The Ghost of Clásicos Future

Scene: Early evening, a large home in an upscale neighborhood. A young man sits in the living room playing video games. A low moan emanates from the heat vent and he glances at it, shrugs, and goes back to his game. He hears another moan and gets up to go to the vent.

Moan: Ooooh, I am the ghost of Clásicos future.

Lionel Messi: Wow! A ghost is in my house! What are you doing here, Mr. Ghost?

Moan: Oooooh I’m here to warn you of impending doooooom.

Messi: Like end of the world doom or like post IHOP discomfort doom?

Moan: If you play on Monday you’ll break your leg. Ooooooh.

Messi: Which one?

Moan: What? I don’t know. Your right one?

Messi: Oh that’s a great relief.

Moan: Why do you think…How are you so calm…uh, ooooh.

Messi: I don’t use my right leg. As a ghost I’d expect you to know that.

Moan: But you still won’t be able to play with a broken leg.

Messi: That’s silly. Thanks for the warning, Mr. Ghost.

Moan: No problem oooooh.

Messi: [looks at vent more closely] Are you in my basement?

Moan: I’m…not, uh, in your basement…

Messi: You sure? It sounds like it. Why are we talking through a vent? Just come upstairs and have a cup of hot chocolate. It’s pretty cold. [goes towards basement door]

Moan: Uh, I have, uh, other people to visit. Yeah, other people. I’m not in your basement!

Messi: [opens basement door and sees Jose Mourinho with his face by one of the vents] There you are. Come on up, it’ll be a lot easier to talk.

Jose Mourinho: [walks slowly up stairs, hanging his head]

Messi: So, about that hot chocolate…

Mourinho: That would be nice, thank you.

Messi: Mom! Can you get my ghost friend some hot chocolate? He’s cold.

Mrs. Messi: [from other room] Sure honey, does your invisible friend happen to like mini marshmallows like you too?

Messi: [yelling] Moh-ohm, don’t embarrass me. Of course he does! [switching back to his inside voice] You look really familiar. Have you visited me before?

Mourinho: Um…yes? No?

Messi: You don’t know?

Mourinho: I visit a lot of players…

Messi: Let’s play some video games. PES, obviously.

Mourinho: Err, okay, I suppose.

Messi: I’m going to be Barcelona. I edited the team and added myself to every position.

Mourinho: You can play defense too?

Messi: Of course. The key is to make sure your opponent never gets the ball. I usually get 100% possession.

Mourinho: What about kickoffs?

Messi: I win those too. You probably  shouldn’t play as Madrid.

Mourinho: Why not?

Messi: I won’t go easy on you.

Mourinho: I’ll just play a 4-2-3-1 and harass your midfielders.

Messi: Won’t work against my 4-3-4.

Mourinho: You added an extra player?

Messi: Oh, I just took Keeper Messi and put him in the field. Goal.

Mourinho: How come Pepe didn’t get in the way of that?

Messi: He was distracted by Midfielder Messi’s diagonal run. And Sergio Ramos was eating a cheeseburger so there was no cover. Goal.

Mourinho: Wait, how come you kicked off after you scored?

Messi: I told you I was good.

Mrs. Messi: [coming in to room carrying tray of mugs] Oh! Hello, Mr. Mourinho. I didn’t know you were coming over.

Messi: You’ve met? He was in the basement talking into the heating vent.

Mrs. Messi: Oh no! If I’d known you were coming over again, I’d have cleaned up down there. It’s dusty.

Mourinho: Er…

Messi: I used to keep my Legos down there, but then we bought the house next door for them. Goal.

Mourinho: Did your keeper just score from 50 yards?

Messi: Yes. Goal. You’re not very good.

Mourinho: I won the triple last year! I have won championships in 43 countries!

Messi: They let ghosts coach?

Mrs. Messi: Ghosts?

Messi: Yeah, he’s the Ghost of Clásicos future. Apparently I’m going to break my leg on Monday if I play. Goal.

Mrs. Messi: Mr. Mourinho, that is very low of you.

Mourinho: I disagree. It is a part of the sport. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!

Messi: Goal.

Mrs. Messi: I think you should probably leave.

Mourinho: You shall rue the day you turned your back on me!

Mrs. Messi: That doesn’t even make sense. It’s just a random, evil one-liner.

Messi: Goal.

Mourinho: Mark my words, this will be a reckoning!

Messi: Do you think I can break 100 goals against you before half time? I think I can. Mom, does that count as a reckoning?

Mrs. Messi: I think it might.

Mourinho: It’s just a video game. Real life is where you win immortality.

Messi: Is that why you have to visit players as a ghost?

Mourinho: Er…I have to go…[stands and heads to door. He pauses to speak again, but Mrs. Messi pushes him out]

Messi: Goal.

Categorized as Nonsense

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater Philadelphia area.


  1. And this is Casillas’ face after all those goals went past him:

    “F*ck this whole thing! P*ta madre!”


    He will be doing this again after we score six again many goals.


    1. As to Casillas’ language (gif 1), I guess he was reduced to this after he ran out of adjectives to describe Messi, too.

  2. Whoa. The comments on the last post were really colourful. So many introductions and cultural talk.

    Do you guys prefer Pedro to start? I actually don’t. I’d prefer him to come on in the 2nd half to create chaos. We should start carefully as a 4-4-2. sMasch & Busi as DM’s.

    Kxev, you were planning to watch the game at Camp Nou with a friend or wife?

    The website, how come some stars are blinking and some are stable?
    btw, VJ, I thought SAB was greecebarca in disguise. Not you 🙂

    1. For me, Pedro has to play. The width and work rate he will bring to the match will be crucial. And he is starting to show his finishing qualities as well.

      I hate Iniesta on the LW.

    2. I hate it too J. But I’d prefer us start with caution. We need to control possession. They are oh-so dangerous this year especially on the counter.
      It’s either we
      -start with a bang and 2nd half play with 4 in midfield or
      -start with a caution and bring the chaos generator in the 2nd to surprise them when they’re a bit tired.

  3. Off Topic.. But, since it’s the holiday season.. Anyone else ever gotten a customizable Xavineista jersey?

    1. Zamorano, the ex-Inter striker had to change his jersey # to 1+8 when Ronaldo went to Inter. Or was it because of something else because didn’t Ronaldo wore #10 at Inter? Damn. Im confused now!

    2. Hmmm, that’s a good idea too.

      And btw, I just got a reply back from Customer Service. They do not allow “&”, or any other characters, aside from numbers and letters.

  4. I was just thinking to do 68. That sounds a little better though.

    I wonder if they’ll do the “&” sign though.

  5. /

    “Unexplained Net Loss Before Clasico Leaves Madrid In An Uproar”
    – Net missing before Madrid’s final training
    – Real Madrid director Jorge Valdano accuses Barca of picking on team

    Reuters, Sunday 28 November 2010 18.30 GMT

    An inexplicable loss of nets in the Camp Nou stadium in Barcelona has fierce rivals Real Madrid, who FC Barcelona take on in the much anticipated El Clasico tomorrow, claiming a conspiracy and a form of mind games by Barcelona ahead of the Clasico.

    The Nets were seen missing from goal-nets and groundsmen could not find more nets to replace them with. FC Barcelona, who were training just hours before the nets went missing, refused to comment.

    Real Madrid director general Jorge Valdano believes foul play has occurred. He told radio station Cadena Ser: “I once said every team that is good to the ball, is good to the public. It’s still true, but Barcelona have not been good to the public. Because we are Real Madrid CF and we are the richest club in the world. Everyone loves us and we deserve more respect–we’ve earned it.”

    He also claim other teams would be treated differently. “It’s pretty sh*tty of them to do that to us. So sh*tty that they could even put it on a stick and take it all the way to Liverpool. In fact, I bet if Liverpool[FC] were to come back [here to Barcelona], as unlikely as that is seeing how they play nowadays, this wouldn’t happen to them. And they even won here before! As a matter of fact, I believe this sort of thing wouldn’t happen to any other team.”

    Meanwhile, Real Madrid coach Jose Mourinho is up in arms. He told Marca, a Madrid based newspaper: “It’s a disgrace. A f*cking disgrace. When Drogba got sent off I didn’t get surprised. Because it is [a disgrace].

    Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one. Me, and more importantly I, don’t deserve this kind of treatment. If I’m hated in Barcelona, it is their problem not mine.

    This is Mourinho’s first Clasico and Sport, a Barca based newspaper, claims Mourinho is just running scared and cannot handle the pressure of such a big occasion.

    But Mourinho refutes this claim: “Fear is not a word a word in my football dictionary.”

    I am prepared. The more pressure there is, the stronger I am. In Portugal, we say the bigger the ship, the stronger the storm. Fortunately for me, I have always been in big ships. FC Porto was a very big ship in Portugal, Chelsea was also a big ship in England and Inter was a great ship in Italy.

    “I don’t care that “Barca” can also be translated into “ship”. I’m at Real Madrid, which is considered the biggest ship on the planet “.

    The training session was moved to Petit Camp, a small pitch near the famous “Gran Teatre de Liceu” theatre in Barca.

    “It was not the ideal situation, but the players took it with much grace, as expected from players of Real Madrid. The guys here are willing to do anything for the team and that’s what makes me happy.”

    Real Madrid play Barcelona on November 29th, a game which many believe will have a large impact on the title race in Spain.


    1. Whoops, forgot one: /

    2. Nice! What made it all the more enjoyable was that it could very well happen – word for word.

      Kari, I see you weren’t kidding when you said you had a few .gif’s etc in the bag just waiting for the build-up. These should be a fun few days to come.. Thanks for that..

  6. Brilliant, Isaiah. I particularly like “post IHOP discomfort doom”. A special doom just for us Yanks.

    1. An American breakfast diner. The initials stand for International House of Pancakes. Like most American restaurants they serve way more food than is really necessary and given how heavy breakfasts tend to be one is often in danger of food coma or bowel explosion.

      Personally, I would’ve cited Denny’s over IHOP for true post meal discomfort, or Taco Bell if one is not locked into breakfast diners.

  7. Oh, and Isaiah? This may well be the best “dialogue” you have done yet.

    “The key is to make sure your opponent never gets the ball. I usually get 100% possession.”

    😀 😀 😀

  8. “Goal!” Great skit Isaiah!

    By the way a few months back I recall someone suggesting that we could maybe have a chat session where each participant impersonates (becomes) one of our beloved Isaiah-created personas – be it oft-injured Pique, Cuddly Toy, Lion Battling Milito, or the classic ‘footyblonde’ (no offense to blonde’s intended) Messi, etc.

    I personally still think that could be a fun experiment. Any takers?

  9. Damn it, you are as unpredictable as Pep… I thought the Gost of Clásics future was Sergio Ramos (because he officially prefers Messi not to play on Monday). And dare I say, you are also close to matching Pep’s genius!

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