As a matter of Clasico, pt II

So about a year ago, I interviewed this guy about a certain football match that was about to take place. Now you will never guess who I ran into this morning. Or, actually, and uhhh, truth be told, quite unfortunately, he ran into me…



Hey you! Yeah, you, come here!

(eyes widen) …Uhhh, dude, uhmmm, errrr, I’m just about to uhhhh, yeah mmm to go to work, the bus errrr you know I’m starting early this morning and the bus will leave any minu…

Hey, hey, chill man, chill. I’ve been taking my meds, you know I have, it’s okay, we can talk.

(inhales sharply) yeah but…

Go on, ask me questions about the Clasico, man, come on!

The Clasico? Are you sure you want me to do that? Do you promise me you’ll be okay?

Does the sun rise in the morning?

Mmm… yeah.

And the moon comes out at night?

So you’re cool?

Cool like a rapping turtle.

That’s not…

Like an eskimo on a jetski!

You mean Inuit. I don’t know about this, man.

Ok, ok, wait, wait, wait… Like Dani Alves in a porn flick, no, no, no, I meant fashion parade, don’t print that, fashion parade, fashion parade!!!

What the hell is wrong with you?

I’m cool like an ice cube down the small of your back!

Whatever, I guess I got some time. It’s not like anybody’s posting anything anyway. So what do you think about tomorrow’s match?

(starts frothing at the mouth)

I thought you were coo…

– Hey, don’t pressure me, motherf*cker. Tomorrow’s match is important, all right? It’s really friggin’ important.

Ok… And why is it so important? It is only the tenth match of the season, right?

Why is it so important? Why is it so important? Why is it… duuude have you been paying attention to me at all during this here life? Do you have any… idea… whatsoever what is going through my mind during Clasico weeks? Do you even care how I feel?

Of course I care. How you feel affects me too, right?

All right, man. At least you care. It’s important, ok? I don’t know why you wanna ask these dumbass questions anyway… (with a mocking voice) And why is it important? (return to normal voice) Why is it freakin’ important… That’s a stupid question to ask a cule. Why don’t you ask real questions, man, you fake motherfu…

Whooooooah! Okay, enough with the profanity already, jeez…

Hey, what comes out of my mouth, comes out of your mouth too!

Fu…Uhm, I mean, God, this is going nowhere… Dude…. Behave… Pleeeease… For our readers?

I always behave. Just don’t agitate me like that no more.

Right. So, for our readers, and yes, I know that tomorrow’s match is really, really, really important, and you know that I know that you and I both know that we know how important important is, youknow, but could you please explain why?

See, now you’re making sense. Tomorrow’s match is really important because it is a Clasico.

Thank you. And what will be key to our success?

Success? We must annihilate them. Break their will and bash them into submission. Extinguish the flame of hope that lives in the soul of every merengue on earth. Forever. Humiliate them so badly they can’t go back to M*drid after the game. We must bring them to their knees and defecate in their faces. I love the sight of Cristiano Ronaldo crying in his big white diapers. It looks like… Victory.

Yeah, uhmmm, but I meant tactic wise?

The first rule of tactics is we don’t talk about tactics.

Hey, don’t go all Tyler Durden on me now, we are supposed to be friends you and I and me and you.

Yeah well, just remember who’s in charge.

Oh yeah? Why don’t you ask the questions then, since you seem to know it all anyway?

Now we’re talking! Ok, imagine, if you performed a stretched-leg studs-up career-ending six-month-long agonizing pain inducing tackle on someone, would your preferred target be CR7 or Gareth Bale?

What kind of question is that? What’s wrong with you? You maniac!

(takes a long, hard stare into the mirror) Just. Answer. The question!

(without missing a beat) Oil Can.

(slaps himself on the cheek) Wrong answer!

Ouch, that hurt! Bale?

(slaps himself on the other cheek) Of course not! Ancelotti, you idiot!

Double-ouch! Why would I want to do such a thing? What has Ancelotti ever done to us?

(shivers) Brrrrrrr, I just can’t stand that Chelsea-loving, Özil-underappreciating, Droopy wannabe with his “I’m more Italian than thou” attitude. Oh what I would do to him on an early Saturday afternoon in the Camp Nou. It’s a good thing that Sandro banned children from the stadium.

Yeah, but… (sighs) never mind. Next question, please.

Ok. If you were to commit a bone-pulverizing, ligament-snapping, skin off the leg-burning foul on anybody in a white shirt, what would be the name of your chosen victim?

Man, why does anything always have to about violence with you? Why don’t you ask about tiki taka?

Mmmmmm, I’ll tiki taka with Iker’s girlf…

Heeeeeeeeey! Our own girlfriend is reading this! Remember, the soon to be mother of your child? Man, you’re gonna get us into trouble! Let’s talk about our new verticality.

Hey man, we can do it vertically, horizontally, whatever way she wa…

Okay, shut up. Just, please shut up, please. Before we get banned from BFB. Really,do you want to get banned?

(gulps) … You’re just saying that. Not banned. Not from Barcelona Football Blog? You’re mean!

Well, jeez, what do you think? You’re just talking crazy. About violence and, you know, that other stuff, I don’t even wanna go there. People could be offended. Toddlers might be reading this. Think about the children!

(puts on a sad face) …

That’s right. You haven’t thought about that, have you? You never do.

Toddlers can’t read.

Oh come on, don’t sulk.  The smart ones can. There are some bright motherf***ing toddlers out there, man. You gotta think like a role model now. You’re gonna be a father soon.

(reluctantly) Okay…

Okay. And what do fathers say?

Visca Barça!

That’s right. Visca Barça!








Categorized as Barcelona

By Levon

Culé since way before football boots were of the neon yellow and lizard green variety, Levon is a deep thinker with increasingly shallow thoughts. He lives in Barcelona with his gorgeous wife and daughter. The lucky bastard...


  1. For some reason this reminds me of a question: “If you lock yourself in the bathroom, how many persons are there in the bathroom?” 😛

    On the other hand, I have to ask something: Is it bad luck to talk about tactical schemes before the match? I’m holding a post and waiting for professional opinion.

    Oh, and

    Visca Barça!


    This is one of the best videos out there, on a match covered beautifully without the awful music and other embellishments youtube videos usually have.

    And if this doesn’t fire you up, well…

    I Like your friend Levon.
    But no, on a more serious note, this match gives me the sense that its going to be pretty even as we haven’t really annihilated a big team in a while.. but still, one can hope and believe.

  3. This is Hemingway-esque: “See, now you’re making sense. Tomorrow’s match is important because it is a Clasico.”

    **** (wavy lines on your screen) ****

    “Christ, Jake,” she said. “What is so important about tomorrow’s match anyway?”

    Tomorrow’s match is important,” I said. “It is important because it is a Clásico.” I ordered a carafe of Manitas for the table.

    “See, Jake, now you’re making sense,” said Ned. “Manitas all ’round.”

    Tomorrow’s match is a Clásico and a Clásico is important. It is important to all of those with true afición and all of those who have some afición and some of those who have very little afición at all but who have no access to the remote control on the day of a Clásico.

    It is hard to understand why tomorrow’s match is important if you are not a madridista, or a culé. It is hard to understand because you have no morbo, and without morbo you are neither madrisita or culé. You may be happy but you have no morbo. I was a culé and I had morbo. Ned was neither culé nor madridista but he had morbo as long as someone was buying Manitas.

    She was neither madridista or culé. She had no morbo but she had afición. She had afición for Iker, she had afición for Víctor, she had afición for the players who were tall and strong and muscled like the toros in San Fermín. But she had no afición for the true players, the ones who were short and fast and funny-looking. She was beautiful and she had afición but she was a bitch that way, too.

    Ned looked at her hard. “Tomorrow’s match is a Clásico,” he said, pounding the table. “That is why it is important.”

    “Christ, Ned, you’re tight.” We were all tight. We were tight and we would go to bed, and when we woke up there would be a Clásico.

    — Inspired by Levon.

  4. hehe, i’m supposed to put on a geeky face and read away in library – but here i’m, giggling like a schoolgirl.
    Thanks lev.

  5. From the Tata presser, sounds like is acutely aware of their counter capabilities. Stessed danger of losing the ball. I’d say that probably means the high ball retention lineup of Xavi, Iniesta and Busquets.

    Without question, Fabregas is in better form, but Iniesta can keep the ball in a hurricane.

    Martino also said two very interesting things: he had the lineup decided even before the Milan match, and that Pique is fit and included in the squad.

    Probably means Alves, Pique, Puyol, Adriano at the back.

    Is it tomorrow yet?

    1. Personally I’d say that ball retention is not the same as countering the counter threat. The ball will be lost. Whether it’s a successful challenge, a foul that the ref doesn’t call, or an intercepted pass, the ball will be lost.

      What Barcelona does after the loss of the ball and where the ball is lost is what defines whether it’s successful in its task of preventing the counters. For this reason this layman thinks that Fabregas or even Song(oh well, one could dream) will be better than Iniesta – because while Fabregas may lose the ball, he would lose it in more forward positions or lose it by having a key pass intercepted(which one would reason would be done by the defence of Real. Song for obvious reasons, but I think Tata won’t go as far as two pivotes at Camp Nou.
      In any case Tata put as the greatest danger losing possession at the moment of “elaboracion”, which the way I read it means preventing the loss of the ball in the third quarter of the pitch, exactly where Iniesta and Xavi would operate. In other words it’s not that dangerous if the ball is lost in the opponent box, but if it’s lost in the center of the pitch when there are just two-three playes behind the ball, then there could be trouble.

      I’m trying to find all the Real Clasico goals since La Manita, will comment later.

    2. It’s already tomorrow in Barcelona. 🙂

      What I’ve seen so far from Ronaldo’s goals vs Barcelona is that selling Ozil might turn out to be one of the greatest mistakes for Real Madrid and that maybe the greatest challenge for Barcelona would be to suffocate Di Maria.

      The goals from counter-attacks seem to come from the defence not marking Ronaldo properly. They leave him too much space, they don’t close immediately and let him control the ball. Then he sprints away and I don’t think there’s a Barcelona player that’s as fast as him.

  6. Barcelona have today trained with: Valdes – Alves Pique Mascherano Adriano – Xavi Busquets Iniesta – Messi Cesc Neymar #fcblive [rac1]

    1. Interesting. Having Neymar and Messi on the wings would force Bale/Di Maria and Ronaldo to track back. The fullbacks will get skinned alive if they don’t get support against these two. Although I’m not too sure about Cesc as a false 9…

    2. Interesting. This may leave Messi a second or two and a bit more space in which to control and accelerate. Real’s DM would have to drift to his left in order to help prevent that, but this would leave space for Cesc, who can then serve as advanced passing node between to Messi, Neymar, Xavi, Iniesta and even Adriano and Alves if they cut inside.

      Wasn’t this used already? Fabregas-Neymar-Messi vs Sevilla?


    3. Makes sense

      Also, it’s worth noting that against Milan, Messi moved to the right wing for the last 15-20 minutes.

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