September 25, 2009 / / Team News
Um, the foot bone's connected to the....
Um, the foot bone's connected to the....

Hey, whoa, that was fast. After training normally with the squad yesterday, Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been given the green light to play against Malaga, and is named in the squad list. I reckon it wasn’t that bad, after all. Good news.

Dmytro Txigrinski is expected to start against Malaga, as the Ukranian hair man makes his way into becoming a more regular fixture in our lineup. Um, and by the by …. Captain Caveman and Kaiser, we have some contracts for you both to sign. We’re just saying. No pressure or anything, though. Nope. ­čśÇ
Read MoreIt’s the Friday news, in brief: BANGS is back!

September 24, 2009 / / El Banquillo

I know that this is late, but there were some technical difficulties in getting it posted. My apologies. -Isaiah

Episode 3: In Which Real Madrid convenes their yearly player meeting to discuss tactical changes, greet new personnel, and do a little math…

Read MoreEl Banquillo 3: The Empire Strikes Back

September 24, 2009 / / Team News

spy-vs-spyAll right, you caught me, I admit it. I hired a private detective agency to make sure that Hector, Kevin, and Tarun weren’t up to no good during their free time. It was well worth it, of course, and totally above board. Except I didn’t tell anyone and I had the detectives comb through their garbage and open their mail in order to find out that 1) Hector spends his evenings punching a voodoo doll of Maradona in the face, 2) Kevin can outride my poor detectives on his bike, and 3) Tarun plays soccer in the evenings with, er, me.

Seriously, though, I didn’t do that. I wouldn’t have. Because that is just crazy.

Bar├ža’s General Director Joan Oliver would like to point out that it isn’t at all crazy. It’s a natural and accepted part of figuring out who should stand for president in the next election. Here’s all that I’ve gleaned: In March or April one of the many vice presidents, Joan Franquesa that Bar├ža has thought that he was being followed by someone. Creepy, right? So Oliver assigned a detective agency to find out what was going on…and also assigned that agency to follow 3 other VPs whose only crimes were the ability to stand for president in the upcoming election cycle. Read MoreNews I Found By Looking Through Your Garbage and Mail

September 22, 2009 / / Injuries
Did we kill them, or what? Who's next?
Did we kill them, or what? Who's next?

It was a perfect match, played perfectly with a full team effort, and everybody doing what they were supposed to, then Rafa Marquez had to go and screw it up.

So, imagine this: Both clubs wind up tied at the end of the season, in the league and head-to-head, and it comes down to goal differential. We’ve given up 3 goals in two matches, none of which were supposed to be. Pardon my sounding like Guardiola after the 5-2 win vs Atletico Madrid, but this can’t happen.

“Oh, we’re still up by 3” is not a viable consideration, to my worldview. Read MoreRacing 1, Barca 4, a.k.a. “Almost there. Almost.”

September 22, 2009 / / La Liga
September 22, 2009 / / Team News
September 22, 2009 / / La Liga
September 21, 2009 / / La Liga

There’s no way he can…not a chance…oh. my. god.

Racing Santander – Barcelona: Tuesday 4pmEST

Here’s how you suck at life: show a repeat of Vitoria vs Internacional from the Brasileirao on Saturday or show an also not-live “Jorge Ramos y su Banda” for 3 hours. If you chose the first option, you’re GolTV. If you chose the second option, you’re ESPN Deportes. Seriously? You choose to show those instead of live Barcelona action? Jerkoffs.

No, seriously, you’re a bunch of jerkoffs.

Of course I’m pissed off by that fact, even though it shouldn’t be particularly surprising. I’m still going to DVR both of those shows in order to see if they weren’t just messing with me because ESPN Deportes is showing “Futbol Espa├▒ol” from 2-4pm and might just change their programming if they can get the rights. No doubt Jorge Ramos and his frickin’ Banda will draw more viewers…It’s possible that it’s actually RFEF’s fault because they’re constantly messing with times and dates and don’t have a collective bargaining agreement, but whatever, I’m going to fault the TV stations right now cause I want to. Read MoreYour Equinox Be Damned: Racing – Bar├ža

September 19, 2009 / / La Liga
Gaze ye in wonder! Ibracadabra, beeyotches!
Gaze ye in wonder! Ibracadabra, beeyotches!

Dammit, I can’t make this picture any bigger! So it will just have to do. We all know the moment, just after one of the most sublime goals I have seen was struck, by one Zlatan “That was way too much money, we’re stupid for having done it” Ibrahimovic. His price seems like more of a bargain with every bit of magic, doesn’t it?

And I will tell you right now, that I am calling nonsense on the Phil Schoen nattering about that being a goal that Eto’o could never have scored, because they are very different strikers. Eto’o also scores goals that Ibrahimovic could never score.

Now that that is out of the way, great galloping Jesus, what a golazo! Read MoreBarca 5, Atletico Madrid 2, a.k.a. “Turd in the punch bowl.”

September 19, 2009 / / La Liga
September 19, 2009 / / Team News


Cha-ching! Lionel Messi has warmed hearts and minds by saying that “I want to spend all my career here, in Barcelona.” Which, admittedly, is the right thing to say after a club has just decided to give you something around 12m per annum for kicking a football around better than anyone else on the planet. We’ve all applauded the new deal, and it would be the height of churlishness to even question whether it’s deserved right? Read MoreThe News, Saturday edition, a.k.a. “All about the Benjamins?”