Impromptu dance off! (Jasper Juinen/Getty Images Europe)

CL Preview: Milan – Barcelona, 2:45pm ET, Fox Soccer and Fox Deportes

Milan. It’s a city where stuff happens. I’ve previewed it before, so you can read that for all the historic things that have happened there. And yes, I know that’s about Inter, but it’s the same city, so there are parallels. Go ahead, read about Visigoths and whatever other parts I babbled on. It’s back to that city, but this time it’s off to visit the Evil Lair of the East, so to speak.

Don’t get me wrong, I may be politically averse to Berlusconi and the whole Forza Italia movement, but I do love Italy and Italians, though I’ve never been to Milan. Only to the airport, as mentioned in the above link. A lot of Americans are turned off by sport as politics (though obviously not vice versa), all while cheering up a storm whenever their favorite candidate for elected position mentions their local team in a one-off blurb about how great the region is, but I’m kind of into it. Phil Ball went to town on the recent political developments in Spain, so I won’t step on his toes; all I will say is that I get a bit giddy whenever there’s a presidential election anywhere on earth.

As such a fan of the late night voting returns, I have to say I connect the dots sometimes too far. But then again, teams hire former refs to be their liaisons with, well, those guys’ former colleagues who are still working the whistle. There is always something to discuss, after all, even if it’s to point out that Barça only ever wins the Champions League under Socialist prime ministers and Madrid only under Aznar (except, of course, all those other ones). Anyway, the point is that I’m excited to try and put a couple beyond Milan’s keeper, Berlusconi, for the sake of the Italian people’s budgetary concerns. That’s how it works, right?

What is actually true is that I hope the team puts a couple on Milan, wins the group, and gives Tito Vilanova something to smile about. Unless that hurts too much. Barça’s assistant had surgery today on his parotid gland. Not being a doctor, I can’t say what was going on, but a quick trip to Wikipedia showed me that the parotid gland is in your face. Sounds like an important part of the body. As opposed to the useless parts that are everywhere else in your face. Whatever, it was a 5 hour surgery, but apparently he’s doing well. He’ll be out about a month. Anims Tito!

I hope the team takes to the field like a sandstorm to the Sahara. That is, I hope they play very wide and don’t let any goals in within 30 seconds. Let’s last at least a full minute, guys! I didn’t get to see the first leg as I was cavorting around the great wonders of Phnom Penh, Cambodia (which I really liked a lot), so I’m not at all sure what went wrong there, but it seems that Busquets, Mascherano, and Keita weren’t all on the same page. No matter, they don’t have to be tomorrow as they won’t all be playing those same positions thanks to Pique and Puyol being healthy again.

But there are those who are not healthy besides Tito, though his condition is by far the most important and serious. Iniesta and Adriano are out with injuries. The latter’s condition wouldn’t be quite so serious (though obviously still a negative) except Dani Alves is out through yellow card accumulation. That suggests that we’ll start Puyol on the right with Mascherano and Pique in the middle, but it also might mean a return to the 3-4-3 with a midfield of Busquets, Mascherano, Xavi, and Cesc Fabregas. Or some other combination that I can’t even imagine because I’m not the radical departure from common thought that is Pep Guardiola’s mind. Maxwell starting on the left with Abidal and Pique partnering in the middle and Puyol on the right? Jonathan dos Santos being flown in late night to make a surprise appearance as goalie while Valdes is given the striker’s role? Ack, I have no idea.

As for Milan, they have available: Abbiati, Amelia, Abate, Antonini, Bonera, Nesta, Taiwo, Thiago Silva, Zambrotta, Yepes, Ambrosini, Aquilani, Boateng, Emanuelson, Nocerino, Seedorf, Van Bommel, Ibrahimovic, Pato, Robinho.

I’m not at all sure who they’ll start (I’m hardly a Milan expert, having seen approximately 20 minutes of their games combined this season), but I do actually like a large part of their squad. Sure, van Bommel brings back memories of me going “Wait, we signed who? Why? Oh, kick him harder next time!” and then cheering us all the way to the CL title; I also like Boateng a lot; and Robinho, well, he at least did this recently. And Cassano, well, besides being a fun part of this Brian Phillips article, he’s back at Milanello to say hello to everyone and that is fantastic news. Maybe he’s  no saint, but I wish him absolutely the best in his recovery.

Gianfranco over on the AC Milan Offside blog predicts this as their lineup: Abbiati, Abate, Nesta, Silva, Taiwo, Nocerino, Ambrosini, Boateng; Robinho, Pato, Ibra. Whatever that particular writer’s hatred for Barça stems from, he’s at least right that Milan is playing on a slightly uneven field if you believe the media hype. That field, though, is in their own stadium and they’ll likely look to get on top early with some intense pressing. Whether they do or not might be a function of Barça’s width, which both Euler and I discussed in different posts. He is, of course, the winner of that particular duel because he had evidence. I just had fancy words like “duh” and “I’m always right so n’yah”.

But, oh yeah, Ibrahimovic. I wrote something about that the other day, when all of his comments were flying around as hot-off-the-press overreactions were still winging their way from one article to another. Tomorrow isn’t about revenge on Ibra, though it would be somewhat personally satisfactory to see him play and not get more than 2 touches and certainly not score. I thought he played well at FCB and I wanted him to stay and succeed. He obviously had other thoughts concerning his time at the club and he’s entitled to those opinions, but he’s  not particularly mature in pointing out the size of Guardiola’s testicles to the general public. I said he was blame-shifting and I still think that’s true, especially given that some of his criticism could very well be spot on.

Maybe it’s incredibly important for him to point out that Pep is a terrible human being and deserves smacked around in public, yet he seems completely unaware of how that looks next to statements about Barcelona’s on-field superiority. As if Pep has nothing to do with that, as if Pep is somehow engaged against ”the best team in the world” in some whacked out alternate universe in which Xavi, Messi, and company are all winning despite their coach’s best efforts to line them up improperly. Again, there is probably fair criticism in Ibra’s previous statements about Guardiola, but they’re couched in such a way that it draws maximum attention to how little Ibra seems to have understood what he was getting into in joining Barça or what was expected of him in the end. Switch positions to suit the best player in the world who is scoring infinity plus one goals? You must be joking and perhaps he’s having the last laugh in his mansion surrounded by pictures of him and Pique doing totally straight stuff.

Whatever, we can overhype this thing if want and we might as well. We only get a few chances to do this every year, though doing so basically ensures we meet them, Arsenal, and Madrid in the knockout stage. Pistols at dawn, y’all, Ibra talked smack about the Pepster! It’s on like Donkey Kong on steroids!

Predicted lineup: Valdes, Puyol, Pique, Mascherano, Abidal, Busquets, Xavi, Cesc, Villa, Messi, Pedro

So, what will happen? Probably a blood bath in which Ibra “accidentally” punches Pep in the face and then Iniesta somehow comes off the bench/medical table to score the winning goal in the 18th minute of extra time. Really, this one is pretty well up for grabs, except for the possession statistics, which will favor Barcelona 2 to 1.

Official Prediction: 1-2, Barça wins a very entertaining match. Goals by Messi (who else) and Pedro. Unless Fontas starts, in which case the goals are both by him. Boy, I crack me up sometimes.

Wait, is Ibra just some strange mind-controlled minion of El Big Mouth?

Next, I'll have Ibra say Pep is a doodoopants!

"Or maybe I'm just completely insane."

Liga Preview: FC Barcelona – Real Zaragoza, Saturday 2pm ET, GolTV(HD)

I have a confession to make. It’s something I’m alternately proud of and ashamed by. It’s something that no one from los Estados Unidos Mexicanos will ever respect, but it’s something the people from the horrifically named Uncle Sam’s Army can get behind. At least I think so. My confession is this: I love Javier Aguirre.

He is the single greatest thing the Mexican Football Federation ever did for me. His appointment to the el Tri’s bench made my life so much better. I got to watch Jonathan dos Santos relegated to watching the tournament from home and Bofo Bautista taking his place, but failing to score a goal. I watched Guille Franco—Guille Franco!—play for his national team despite not having a contract with a club while Chicharito, hot off his phenomenal start with Manchester United—not some Podunk team, I don’t think—was put on the bench until the 4th game.

Sure, he eliminated South Africa, which was terrible, but we can all hate on Luis Suarez for that if we choose. He absolutely ensured that a solid Mexican team was tactically moronic throughout the cup and was brutally eliminated by an Argentine team that was then shellacked by Germany 4-0 thanks to similar tactical insanity. Further, he was sent off in the 1986 quarterfinal between Mexico and West Germany and, according to my Mexican sources, was the cause of their loss in penalties. That’s debatable given that he was sent off in the 100th minute of a 0-0 game, but I accept it anyway and love him all the more for it.

At South Africa 2010, Aguirre was probably partly the victim of the Mexican footballing setup (the overwhelming power of club owners and television companies that double as owners, for example), but you need look no further than his Round of 16 lineup to understand what was wrong with his approach. His tactics have served him similarly (or perhaps even more) poorly at the Camp Nou. On October 4, 2008, in Guardiola’s 6th league game in charge of the team, Atlético Madrid rolled into town and were smashed 6-1, with Barça going up 3-0 inside 9 minutes and 5-1 after just 28 minutes. Even Gudjohnsen got on the scoresheet.

By the time Atleti hosted FCB in the spring, Aguirre was gone and Abel Resino got a 4-3 victory from Kun Aguero at the Vicente Calderon. But Aguirre returned in 2011 and lost 1-0 in a match with Keita as the only goalscorer. That seems a much tighter game, but Barça had 12 shots on goal to Zaragoza’s 1. And now Zaragoza sit in 16th, just 1 point above relegation and 2 points above last placed Real Sociedad. That doesn’t bode well for him, nor does the team’s lack of defense. They’ve allowed more goals (22) than all but Osasuna, who has been on the receiving end of 8-0 and 7-1 losses. They’re slightly better away, coming in just 12 goals allowed on the road, making them 5th from the bottom behind even Atleti.

They’ve got no wins on the road, having drawn at Villarreal and Rayo and lost to Atleti, Osasuna, and Betis. They lost to Real Madrid 0-6 on opening day in a match I didn’t watch and just 0-1 to Valencia in late October in what I remember as being a fairly crappy game. Reviewing the stats, it was certainly chippy (36 fouls and 7 yellow cards). And that’s somewhat out of character for Zaragoza, given that they’re T-10th in the Fair Play league; Valencia, on the other hand, is T-17th with 35 yellow cards and 3 reds in 11 matches. Espanyol and their 40 and 4 laugh at that while sitting 7th. Barça remains 2nd in that table too, this time behind Málaga, who have just 13 yellows. One of the reasons Barça has so few disciplinary points (demerits, I suppose) is that it’s one of just 2 teams with no reds. The other is, and you’d probably never guess this without having first checked, Atleti. Whoa.

I’ve always thought of Aguirre as one of the managers who instills a butcher’s attitude in his squads: if they get by you, hack them to pieces and sell their carcasses to the highest bidder. But I don’t suppose that’s really true, at least not this year. It’s just that he’s got a serious fight on his hands to keep his team out of the relegation quagmire and he’ll probably attempt to play as much like Sevilla did as possible.

Zaragoza is coming off a 2-2 come-from-behind draw against Sporting Gijon in which Helder Postiga saved their blushes with a 90th minute goal. Postiga is having a good couple of weeks, having bagged 2 against Bosnia for Portugal this past Tuesday, so he’s got to be considered Zaragoza’s danger man. He’s only got 4 goals this league season, but that does make him the team’s top scorer.

Given that I basically crapped on Aguirre’s time with Mexico at the beginning of this post, it might be strange for me to point out that he’s got both Pablo Barrera and Efrain Juarez on his squad. Has he learned how to use Barrera? He’s scored 1 goal, but I don’t really count him as a goal scorer so much as a quick and decisive winger. Then again, most of what I know about Barrera is that he played for UNAM and would sometimes score against me in FIFA when I played as Puebla because 1) Puebla is pretty awful despite their sweet ass franja (artfully pictured here with, uh, right, what?) and 2) I am pretty awful at FIFA. My Mexican friend loves him to death because of the UNAM thing and always starts him even if he’s not as good as the other players available.

But he is fast and his speed on the wing, coming off an international break, might a bit of a problem if there are any fatigue issues in the back line. Postiga’s time with Portugal could help Barça of course for the same reasons, but Messi and Mascherano’s travels to Argentina and Colombia must certainly have worn them down more. Factor in Sánchez’s trip to Uruguay and Chile and the various U-21 kids, Spain’s England and Costa Rica friendlies, and the shorter trips for the other internationals and we have ourselves quite the tired squad.

Guardiola asked the reporters in a press conference this morning if they’d rather not see Messi play. That tells you basically all you need to know about whether the little Argentine will play. Yeah, he can rest when there are no games. Which is approximately never. But he’s got 14 goals in 11 matches, so it’s hard to say he’s not playing well and it’s also hard to argue, given Spain’s false 9 problems, that he isn’t integral to FCB’s system, as you’d suspect from someone a lot of people have referred to as the best player on earth.

I like watching Messi play, of course, but I do understand the question of when he’ll be rested. He plays 90 minutes no matter what and he does it at max exertion. My conclusion about this is logical and completely true: he is not human. Lionel Messi is an alien being brought to us by the Tralfamadorians to see if they could mess with our most prized possession. Their “experiment” went off the rails a little while ago when we fell for the little tyke and made him our king. But I suppose the Tralfamadorians are dutifully recording what’s going on and logging it in their scientific notebooks.

Everyone is back for Barça, though I don’t expect Pedro to get many minutes so fresh off an injury. We’ve got enough attacking firepower on the bench that we shouldn’t need him. But it will extremely tough given the aforementioned travel and also the upcoming midweek Champions League mega fixture in Milan. Fortunately it’s on a Wednesday, so the team should have time to readjust to the whole “we better run or Guardiola is going to [censored for small children in the audience]” thing.

Lineup prediction: Valdes, Alves, Pique, Mascherano, Abidal, Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Cesc, Villa, Messi.

I think this one is going to tougher than one might expect from 2 vs 16 or Guardiola vs Aguirre o Barça vs Zaragoza. Official prediction: 2-1, goals by Messi and Villa. Whatever keeps me in love with Aguirre…

And yeah, before someone mentions it in the comments, I realize that both Piqué and Villa played for Zaragoza back in the day. And that Villa won a Copa del Rey with them. Yippee.

Copa Preview: CE L’Hospitalet – FC Barcelona, Wednesday 4pm, GolTV(HD)

There are two stories. One is of a 13-year old Christian martyr during the persecution of Christians in the reign of emperor Diocletian in the year 303. The other is of a talking badger that meets his destiny while fighting a fox for a boat. Let’s be honest here, the second one is way more interesting, so we’re going to say that it’s that version that led to the founding of CE L’Hospitalet when 3 teams (UD Hospitalet, CD Santa Eulalia, and CF Hércules) were combined into one. That was the same year that the Camp Nou was built.*

So, after the badgers and the Roman demigod came together to form a team, they realized they should probably include the area where their stadium was located rather than themselves. So they did. And they made it to the Segunda in the early 60s, but were relegated in 1966 and have yet to really return from the depths. They were last in the Tercera in 2009-10. I guess they’re not honey badgers or they’d be in Primera.

What they do have, however, is their secret weapon: David Prats. He’s one of Xavi’s best friends from their time together in La Masia, but now Prats is playing forward for L’Hospi and could finally find himself on the same professional field as his much more illustrious friend. It’s very likely to happen since Thiago is gone to U-21 duty alongside Isaac Cuenca and Adriano and Alves are off to Brazil for their World Cup qualifiers.

This L’Hospitalet blog thinks the following squad will be fielded: Moragón, Peque, Moussa, Manel Viale, Lucas Viale, Rubén García, Marc Pedraza, Cirio, Corominas, Pitu, David Prats.

And don’t take them lightly. They may be in Segunda B (Group 3) but they’re in 2nd with 25 points, just 2 below the leaders, Atletic Balears, and are coming off a 3-2 victory this past weekend against Sant Andreu.  Those 2 goals account for a larger percentage of their 9 total allowed in 12 matches. That’s pretty stern defending. And, as the official site admonishes, you should remember Figueres, Novelda, and Gramenet. All of them were Segunda B sides at the time and all of them eliminated Barça from the cup within the last decade (and Gramenet almost did it twice in a row). Yes, they were in one-offs, but starting off with a loss can lead to bad endings, as Real Madrid can probably tell us, even with two legs.

At least travel fatigue won’t be a factor since the Estadi La Feixa Llarga is right around 5 miles from the Camp Nou via the circuitous route. The thing that will be a factor is international break taking a chunk of the squad away from Guardiola.

So who does Barça have available to respond to this local threat?

All the Spanish players plus Keita and Abidal are available, but Messi, Mascherano, Alves, Adriano, Alexis, and the aforementioned Thiago and Cuenca have all been called up to various squads. Jonathan Dos Santos, Deulofeu, Sergi Roberto, Rafinha, Tello, and Miño all trained with the first team squad and seem like necessary additions to the squad for the match.**

Predicted squad: Pinto, Maxwell, Pique, Puyol, Abidal, Busquets, Keita, Xavi, Iniesta, Villa, Tello

I mean, I guess, right? JDS should get a few minutes in there and might even make the start, but I prefer to see him as a sub and to get this game over with as soon as possible–if possible. I know you read these previews, Pep, because you always do something other than what I say and there’s no way that could happen every match if you didn’t read these. So please just start a really good lineup and let’s win this here away leg instead of leaving it for Messi to save us in late December when we’re back from the Club World Cup. Also, HI PEP!

Official Prediction: 1-2. Things happen, goals are scored, Pinto makes a magnificent save and then somehow contrives to let in a perfectly simple stop. Goals by Prats, Xavi, and JDS to win it and your hearts.

And, as a parting shot, because I said badger a bunch of times: here’s this again. And yeah, I kinda like the Copa del Rey. We’ll get into that in a different post later.

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*For those interested, the Camp Nou was officially opened on September 24, 1957, the same day that President Eisenhower sent troops to protect the Little Rock Nine. Wikipedia really is awesome. Orvill Faubus, on the other hand, was not.
**That does mean, of course that with their increased fatigue and combined with the absences of Cuenca, Martín Montoya, Marc Bartra, Marc Muniesa, and Carles Planas on U-21 duty, the B team will have a lot of trouble this weekend with Girona. Fortunately, Girona is in 19th place, 5 points adrift of Barça Babies (that’s what the B stands for, right?), so they might be able to squeak out a draw or something with Juvenil players. But I doubt it; that’s simply too many pieces of the puzzle to lose or make play games so close together.

Liga Preview: Athletic Bilbao – Barcelona, ESPN Deportes/ESPN3.com

Bilbo Baggins was fond of many games and activities. He was especially fond of hiding in semi-obscurity until something important came his way. That important thing is Lionel Messi on a tear, but it’s also Marcelo Bielsa and the possibility of being an attacking side. It may be unfair to turn on Joaquin Caparros and his system that earned a Europa League spot, but people are doing it anyway despite Bielsa’s adoption of the same system.

My brother and I are here to discuss the tactical innovations Bielsa has implemented:

Isaiah: I think he’ll go with a 4-2-3-1. It’s just smarter.

Isaaac: I disagree. They will use the nickle formation. They’ll be better able to play in space.

Isaiah: That’s ridiculous. If they wanted to cover the over-the-top balls, they would obviously deploy–that was not an LSU interception! Are you crazy?

Isaac: He didn’t possess all the way through the play. Obviously that’s a goal.

Isaiah: You mean a touchgoal.

Isaac: Well, when you put a knuckleballer up against a 1-3-1 zone, you’d better expect fireworks.

Isaiah: Do you know what sport we’re talking about?

Isaac: Look, Bilboners are not clay courters. If you want a level playing field, you’d better stop playing these games at the base of the Pyrennes. That place is full of sand traps!

Isaiah: Fernando Llorente is a really good striker, how will Barcelona deal with him?

Isaac: A combination of quick wits and a safety blitz.

Isaiah: Oh, you’re gunning for offsides penalties. That’s pretty brilliant.

Isaac: One time I talked to a soccer coach about tactics for 3 hours. It was incredibly useful to have the One True Ring of Power to escape his blathering unseen. Seriously, a 4-3-2-1? Goddammit, man, those are just descending numbers.

Isaiah: Wow, I’ve never thought about it like that before. It’s a wonder anyone has ever won a World Cup.

Isaac: Well, not really, after 1970 came 1974 and, let’s be honest, the tactical innovation there was obvious.

Isaiah: Getting back to Athletic, what do you think of Basque culture? Does it impact their game play?

Isaac: TAAAPAAAASSSSS.

Isaiah: Well, yeah, but I meant–

Isaac: TAAAPAAAASSSSS.

Isaiah: They are really good, aren’t they?

Isaac: I bought a liter of wine in Pamplona for one euro. Bilbao is in Basque country. I’m assuming they have regional wine prices. And honestly, wine at a sporting event? Yes, please!

Isaiah: What does that have to do with Athletic?

Isaac: They have great fan support. Now you know why.

Isaiah: Okay, it’s obvious you know a lot about this sport. Can we get a final prediction?

Isaac: Ohio State 34 – Athletic Bilbao 17.

Isaiah: You do know there’s not a 3 point line, right?

Isaac: No, I don’t.

Isaiah: And wait, OSU isn’t in this game!

Isaac: BURRA OLÉ!

Isaiah: Neither of those are appropriate right now.

Isaac: CHINGA TU–

Isaiah: Okay, thanks, that’s all we’ll be needing–

Isaac: Visca el Ohio State!

Isaiah: Well…okay, sure. Yes. Visca el Ohio State.

And there you have it, folks, from the greatest sports mind I’ve ever been embarrassed to be related to. I mean, wait, stop hitting me, that’s not fair I’m typing!

CL Preview: Viktoria Plzeň – Barcelona, 3:45pm ET, Fox Deportes

The first game was a 2-0 at the Camp Nou and now matchday 4 arrives and Barça heads to the Czech Republic to play Viktoria Plzeň at their Stadion města Plzně. Synot Tip Arena in Prague.* The Czechs are coming off a 5-0 home win that moved them into 2nd place; who did they play? The, get this, 13th ranked team (Hradec Králové, of course) in the league. Sure, the Czech top flight only has 16 teams instead of La Liga’s 20, but whatever, I’ll take whatever strange coincidence I can get. This also happened in their match:

Hellooo, Mr. Fancypants! You can view the full match highlights here. Milan Petržela, if you remember, was their speedy winger. He was replaced in the 86th minute as their final substitution. They’re obviously capable of scoring goals, though Barça might be better at defending and controlling tempo than Hradec Králové…and maybe they won’t run into each other like on that second goal. Perhaps Barça will get more butts in the seats too. Lots of crowd shots in this video show you just how empty it was, but also how rabid some of the fans can be.

With Barça’s destruction of Mallorca at the hands of a fairly rampaging Messi (though the crazy thin is it wasn’t that great of a game for him–we’re so spoiled!), the happy times appear to have returned to the Internet-based fan group. Hooray, I suppose, because it means there’s a break in the “What is wrong with Messi?” headlines coming out of every footballing newspaper or website with a dog in the Spanish race. What was wrong with Messi was that he was tired. Perhaps there had been some sort of a Lego-building and cupcake-eating competition he participated in and the sugar was just coursing through his veins and he couldn’t sleep properly. I’m sure he won, though.

Or maybe it’s that we have outsized expectations and we’re all a bunch of nitwits. The Sevilla game was an aberration, really, and the Granada game was an aberration of a different sort. They happen and they’ll continue to happen from time to time. In fact, it’s a minor miracle that they don’t happen more often. We should count ourselves lucky to say “we won 5-0″ a single time in a year. Arsenal got destroyed 8-2 by Manchester United and then turned around this past weekend and hung 5 on Chelsea in what looked like an incredibly absurd display of defensive crapitude. Barça hasn’t allowed a goal in 8 full matches. Not since Pablo in the 23rd minute at the Mestalla on September 21.

In that span there have been 3 manitas and a total of 22 goals. The 0-0 draw against Sevilla is the only match Barça failed to score in and they had plenty of opportunities to do so. There was also an 8-0 demolition of Osasuna just prior to the Valencia match. Eight freaking goals. Can you ever speak of crisis or even doldrums when the team is in 3rd and then jumps to 2nd when the top team loses to the team that you beat 8-0? Levante’s loss to Osasuna (down to 10 men for 30 minutes) puts Barça pretty much were every single person guessed they would be around this time: top 2.

In the Champions League, Barça is tied for first in the group. The technicality of who is on top at this point is meaningless to go into because there’s another match against Milan that will end all of the debate anyway. Winning at Viktoria would be a massive step towards qualifying in first place because it would force Milan, who travel to BATE Borisov, to win in order to stay within effective striking distance.

Speaking of which, a quick moment to wish Antonio Cassano the best. I hope he recovers and does so quickly and that this turn of events, which put the sport into perspective, not only doesn’t hurt him and his family more than it already has, but also those around him. According to Gazzetta dello Sport, by the by, it was an ischemic stroke, but my knowledge of medicine is actually worse than my knowledge of Italian, so I won’t even hazard a guess as to what’s going on or how severe that is. Doctors who read this, feel free to explain in the comments.

So, we travel to the Czech Republic and we’re taking Alexis Sánchez with us despite his not being fully fit while Xavi is a serious doubt given his current calf muscle problems. Pedro is still out as well, but Pique and Puyol made successful returns against Mallorca, which was very nice to see.

Predicted lineup: Valdes, Alves, Pique, Puyol, Abidal, Busquets, Iniesta, Thiago, Cesc, Messi, Villa.

Isaac Cuenca has done quite well in the “Pedro role”–should he become Isaac! or should we just keep yelling “feed that boy!” at the screen every time he appears?–but I don’t see him getting the start again given the amount of rest everyone else has had. And Messi doesn’t get rested, so that reduces the options up front. I think a 4-3-3 makes more sense here than a 3-4-3, though any name you give a Pep system doesn’t actually fall into that category for an entire 90 minutes. Alves is constantly in the wrong place for a real 4-3-3 and even a 3-4-3. So, we’re going to be playing um a ?-?-?.

Official Prediction: 1-3. I think we give up a goal on a counter and Valdes’ streak is over.

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[UPDATE, continued]
*There were conflicting reports about where the match would take place, but thanks to alert reader nzm, we have the information that the team will be playing at Synot Tip aka Eden. I vaguely recalled something about that while I was writing the post, but then decided to go with what was being listed on a couple of sites I came across. One said Synot Tip (here) while the official site (as of 11pm ET) says “Struncovy, Plzen“. Yet the official site also says this: “The 21 players that have travelled to the Czech capital have trained normally in the stadium to be used for tomorrow evening’s encounter, the Eden Stadium.” Bollocks to you, confusing websites.

On an another interesting note, Xavi can be seen practicing in the video below the quote and in the image gallery here. He looks fine, really, but I still don’t expect to see him start.

Liga Preview: Barcelona – Mallorca, Saturday 2pmET, ESPN Deportes/ESPN3

Please note: if you’re done reading Kari’s rambunctiously lovely breakdown of Barça B, I suppose you’re allowed to read this here preview. If you haven’t read the piece, go do it now or you’ll be flogged.

Hey Pep, thanks for not mauling me!

Coming off of the midweek match, which I prefer to call a slogfest of crapbutt (so I’m in agree with Kxevin here), Barça returns to the Camp Nou to face off against cross-water rivals Mallorca. It’s not your Laudrupian Mallorca anymore, though, which Miguel Angel Nadal sitting shotgun with him. Laudrup left the club in late September, Nadal took over for a bit, and then Nadal himself left when Joaquin Caparrós, recently out of Neuchâtel Xamax, took over.

The enigma that is Caparrós never ceases to befuddle me. He’s probably most notable for being Athletic’s manager over the last 4 years, perennially achieving just above what you might expect. But he was also the guy who set the table for Sevilla’s magical run in the mid 2000s under Juande Ramos. And he also took Depor towards the brink of relegation as they scored just 32 goals (tied worst) in 2006-07. Yet he also finished 8th with them the year before when they weren’t known for their terrible devotion to not scoring.

With Mallorca, Caparrós hasn’t done a particularly amazing job so far. Perhaps he’s building his team or perhaps he has little to work with. When Josu Urrutia was elected president of Athletic Bilbao in the summer, Caparrós’ contract was not renewed and he was replaced by Marcelo Bielsa and that could be seen as a sign that Athletic was looking to take a step forward and challenge for European spots on a more consistent basis. Which is funny given that they just qualified for the Europea League. Perhaps it was more political than anything, but I am not an Athletic Bilbao backroom expert.

Regardless, Caparrós was off to Switzerland to the new project under Bulat Chagaev, but left after just 5 matches (you can read a sensationalist version of it here, where they bizarrely call him Jose Caparrós) and was therefore available when Mallorca came calling. As I said, though, he hasn’t been a savior. They’ve managed 3 draws and a loss from 4 matches since Caparrós’ appointment, but at least they’ve scored in all them.

It’s the loss, at home to Sporting Gijon, that is probably most disturbing. With 2 consecutive wins, it appears that Sporting Gijon has decided to actually start their season, but it must still rankle the Mallorcan faithful to lose to the last placed team, especially in their own house. Caparrós has signaled his intent to ratchet up the intensity by declaring, “We need to learn from the mistakes, grit our teeth, and prepare for the next match. We played well [against Sporting], with a good intensity, for 25 minutes.”

Yeah…you can’t play for 25 minutes against anyone, much less Barça and hope to come away with points. Yet they haven’t been playing total patsies the whole time. They drew 1-1 with Valencia and 1-1 at Atleti, which isn’t so bad. They’re playing a 4-2-3-1 with goalscorer Tomer Hemed alone up front. The Israeli international has scored 4 times so far in the league and accounts for half of their total goals.

Their squad: Calatayud, Bigas, Joao Victor, Ramis, Zuiverloon, Chico, Pereira, Pep Lluís Martí, Alfaro, Hemed, Castro, Nsue, Aouate, Víctor, Tissone, Cendrós, Crespí, Alvaro.

Without Jonathan de Guzman (now at Villarreal), they’ve lost some of the creative and attacking flair on the wings and are having to rely more on Nsue and Gonzalo Castro for that. Michael Pereira, who got 5 goals last season in 35 appearances, has yet to manage any this season in 2 starts and 3 substitute appearances; probably not incidentally, both of his starts have come under Caparrós. Their main defensive midfielder, Tomás Pina, is missing through yellow card accumulation suspension–after just 9 games! I don’t suppose it should be particularly surprising given that Mallorca has amassed 30 yellow cards as a team (to Barça’s 17). Pina and Chico both have 5 (Chico having served his suspension already) and Ivan Ramis has 4.

I highly suspect that Caparrós will have watched the last 2 Barça matches and maybe he saw how to keep Barça bottled up, but with a leaky defense like the one he’s got (no clean sheets since the opening day win against Espanyol). Perhaps he’ll come out with a double bank of 4 as pretty much everyone has done so far. Raul Caneda (former assistant at Almeria under Juanma Lillo) pointed out on Tuesday (h/t Paradigma Guardiola) that both Sevilla and Granada let Dani Alves run free on the flanks and tucked their other defender in, content to head any crosses out rather than open themselves to the slick passing moves Alves, Xavi, and Messi create on the right wing. With Pedro out of form (and now injured) and Afellay missing, there were no quick darts to the end line and no good crosses anyway.

If Mallorca can defend with extreme discipline, they have a shot, but they don’t have tremendous athletes like Sevilla does (Navas’ speed, Caceres’ endurance, for example)  and they don’t have the homefield advantage (along with terrible turf and rain) that Granada did. All teams go through the doldrums, however, and if Barça is still feeling the malaise that set in over the last fortnight, they’ll struggle through, perhaps on some individual brilliance like Xavi’s freekick. It would be a mistake, however, as Jordi Costa says at the beginning of his defense of defending, to suggest that Barça played badly against Sevilla. On the contrary, Sevilla played extremely well defensively and it took a string of good saves from Javi Varas to earn a single point. Perhaps cules are bored or frustrated with other teams looking to play out 0-0 draws or steal a goal on the counter, but that’s what happens if you beat teams 8-0 when they decide it’s time to do anything other than sit back and absorb pressure. Villarreal, Osasuna, etc would have all gladly taken 0-0, don’t you think?

As it is, Barça may have something to say about all of it anyway. Both Pique and Puyol return with the medical all clear, while Pedro and Alexis Sánchez are out (and of course Afellay).  Messi will start, obviously, but Fontas will not. That’s also obvious, I suppose. The team got Wednesday off to recharge batteries and, no doubt, do awesome modeling shots like Valdes has been doing with his wife. They’re pretty hot.

With both Gerard and Carles back, does that mean Javier starts on the bench? I wouldn’t see that as too bad a thing if they’re match fit given Mascherano’s playing time recently. Instead, though, I suspect we’ll see Mascher + one of those two to start and then a sub in later, especially if the game is going well. That returns Abidal to the left where I think he plays best. The midfield, well, how about the full lineup:

Valdes, Alves, Mascherano, Puyol, Abidal, Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Cesc, Messi, Villa.

With Pedro gone and Sánchez still out, there really isn’t too much the team can do up front without switching to one of those wacko Maxwell-up-front kind of things and I don’t see that as happening despite the looming Tuesday Champions League match, which is, unfortunately for the squad’s tired legs, in the Czech Republic. That means extra travel time, so it’s totally possible that Guardiola plays Adriano, Maxwell, and/or Keita. Dropping points against Mallorca wouldn’t be the end of the world, but doing so against Viktoria Plzeň would definitely not be very good for our CL group chances or, at the very least, would force us to win in Milan in order to top the group.

I think we take this one to Mallorca like they haven’t seen in a while. Official prediction: 3-0, goals by Cesc, Alves, and Messi. A team game that puts us back where all the fans love to be: the winning and winning well seat.

On a somber note, Mallorca has released an official statement in support of the release of kidnapped aid workers Enric Gonyalons (a Mallorcan and ex player), Ainhoa Fernández, and Rosella Urru. It appears that Gonyalons was injured in that attack. May they get home safely.