Archive | El Banquillo

Banquillo 8: Intro Music

Episode 8: In which the season begins under Tito, theme music is discussed, and a “surprise” visitor flees in terror.

Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: Welcome to a new year, everyone!
Tiiitoooo FreshPrinceofBellcaire: Hey, boss. I’m excited to get this project underway.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: And with that in mind, I’d like to introduce the new members of our squad.
Jordi AlbaAndTheChipmunks: Moc moc!
Pique Number1DraftPique: That’s my line!
Pique Number1DraftPique: /punches OneHoteChile
Alexis OneHoteChile: /falls down
Alexis OneHoteChile: /holds face/td>
Busi PowerSerg: That’s my line!
A Song UneChanson: Bonjour mes amis!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Bienvenus!
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I don’t know what language you’re speaking, but it sounds like trophies to me!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: We’re speaking French. Alex is from Cameroon. I’m trying to make his integration with the squad easier by communicating in his native language.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: It was a joke, I meant it as a—nevermind. How about this one: I got a great deal on an excellent player. Eat your heart out, Laporta!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Joan Laporta was president when we spent €10 million on Yaya.
YAYA ToureDeForce: HELLO.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: I just pooped myself.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: Twice.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: Jesus, I forgot how big you are, Yaya.
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: What, did he just apparate next to you in your office? LOL.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: Yes.
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Okay then.
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Settle down, everyone, we need to be more direct in our approach to these chats.
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Less chit-chat, more CRUSHING.
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: Yay!
Pique Number1DraftPique: I bet Isaac has a crush on a girl!
Cuenca BeLikeIke: /blushes
Cuenca BeLikeIke: I do not!
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: No, the other kind of crushing. That you do to people’s souls with your foot.
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: Yay!
Cuenca BeLikeIke: I do! It’s so cute and then I cuddle with them and—
Cuenca BeLikeIke: /sobs
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: Glorious.
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: The season is about to start, you know.
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /scores
Sanro AlexandreTheGreat: I totally saw that coming!
Messi PulgaMyFinger: /scores
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I totally saw–
Messi PulgaMyFinger: /scores
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I totally saw–
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Yeah, we all did. Every single human on earth saw that coming.
Pedro! JustWingingIt: Whicka whicka duh-duh boom
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: What? What are you doing?
Pedro! JustWingingIt: I thought because no one can tell us apart even in HD, I should come up with some nifty intro music whenever I appear onscreen—we can call them Beats by Pedro!
Pinto WahinMakinaciones: They forgot about Pedro!
Cuenca BeLikeIke: Why would anyone forget about Pedro? He’s an integral—
Pedro! JustWingingIt: Ya’ll know me, still the same ol’ P!
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: No, no intro music.
Messi PulgaMyFinger: Not even if it’s Oasis?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: oh, also /scores
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Not even if it’s Oasis or Coldplay or whatever it is that I like.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: /sobs
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Cannibal Corpse!
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: No.
Pinto WahinMakinaciones: Me!
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Tempting.
Pinto WahinMakinaciones: Really?
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Absolutely not.
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: Archangelo Corelli.
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: What?
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Archangelo Corelli was a 17th and 18th century Italian violinist and composer of Baroque music.
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: I…actually knew that, but I was wondering why Javier thought that would be good intro music…you know what? I don’t want to know.
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: It’s better that way.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: /shivers
Messi PulgaMyFinger: /scores
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: We have a series of big games coming up that we have to prepare for. Madrid, Valencia, PSG—
Pique Number1DraftPique: Uh, mister, we don’t have any games scheduled against PSG…
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: The Champions League draw is soon. Our group will contain PSG.
PIque Number1DraftPique: Well, I mean, maybe—
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: It is known.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: Creeeepyyyy!
Cuenca BeLikeIke: /shivers
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Oh great, now Isaac thinks there are ghosts in the Champions League pots.
Cuenca BeLikeIke: I can’t stay up that late to watch anyway. Maybe when I’m older! But it would be scary.
Pique Number1DraftPique: It happens at 2pm?
Cuenca BeLikeIke: I know!
Messi PulgaMyFinger: Can we play some more football now?
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Yes, please.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I am going to try to sign more amazing players for my amazing squad! Our branding will be unstoppable!
Cuenca BeLikeIke: Yay! Wait, branding?
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Branding means—
Messi PulgaMyFinger: /nutmeg
Pique Number1DraftPique: Olé!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Oh no he just didn’t. Game. Freaking. On.
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: It is war!
Masche JavierCakeAndEatItToo: Yay!
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: Shouldn’t Messi wear red like quarterbacks in NFL practices?
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: That would be a disaster. Puyi would smash him like a bull into a novice matador, Masche would basically just go insane with bloodlust and probably snap several innocent bystanders in twain, and Busi would think something had happened to him and fall over clutching his face, Isaac would faint, and while Messi would still score somehow, the consequences could be fatal to thousands.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I see…has this been found out through some sort of theoretical lab test or…?
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Eyjafjallajökull: direct result.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: Wait, how can you–
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: There were a series of tests run throughout the week after on where Puyi had rampaged and the results were highly conclusive that geothermal energy plus the permafrost in Siberia combined—
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: –pronounce that word?
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: Eyjafjallajökull?
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: I knew you were the man for this job.
Tito PrinceofBellcaire: I am going to go plan strategy now.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: You do that. I will stay here and man the fort.
YAYA ToureDeForce: HELLO.
Sandro AlexandreTheGreat: On second thought, I hear that the boardroom needs…dusting…
Lolthisguy TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: What’s up everybooodyyyy! I’m all about this retirement thing. I can drop by practice and—
Lolthisguy TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: Oh, thanks a lot. I like it too. I got it on sale at—wait, red shirt? This isn’t red. This is, uh, uh, oh crap.
Lolthisguy TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: /runs
Puyi CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /stampedes

Posted in El Banquillo61 Comments

Cinematic London

[I wrote a preview of sorts here, that you can read when you’re done with this little bit of fun/nonsense.]

Scene: Overcast London in the rain. The team is wandering around the sights.

Pep Guardiola: I’m not sure this makes sense. How can it really be overcast if it’s also raining?

Tito Vilanova: We’ll have to possess the ball more to understand it.

Pep: It is the only way.

Isaac Cuenca: Boy, hurr, this town is the bee’s knees, chaps!

Xavi: Please be quiet, you’re making us all look bad.

Cuenca: I sure am sorry, Mr. Xavi, it’s just that I’m quite pipped to maybe be playing in Stamford Bridge.

Lionel Messi: What’s that?

Cuenca: Pipped means to be all rambunctious in the gourd…chap!

Xavi: No, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

Messi: I meant the other part.

Cuenca: Stamford Bridge?

Messi: Yeah. Is that where the queen lives?

Cuenca: Uh, no, I—it’s where we’re playing tomorrow?

Messi: Oh. Never heard of it.

Cuenca: But you’ve played there before.

Messi: Doubt it. Don’t recall it. Strumford Widget, you called it?

Sergio Busquets: Strumford Widget! Hey everyone, Messi just called it Strumford Widget!

Cuenca: Stamford Bridge. You’ve played there 3 times. It’s where Iniesta scored the goal in 2009 to get the team to the final. Asier del Horno up-ended you there and Mourinho called you a diver.

Messi: I just texted my mom, she says she’s never heard of it either.

Cuenca: I’m simply bemuddlefudded, chaps. Mr. Xavi, what’s going on?

Xavi: He hasn’t scored there, so he can’t remember it.

Cuenca: Oh.

Messi: Are we talking about Wembley? That’s in London. Wembley is a nice place. It’s got this goal on one end that I remember well. It was all thwap and stuff. That was nice. Good game.

Pep: Okay, gang, listen up! We have a big game tomorrow, so tonight we’re going to get to sleep early. Isaac, you can stay with Leo and Andres while they watch the Muppets instead of the grownup movie everyone else is going to watch.

Cuenca: Yay!

Puyol: What’s the movie you’ve chosen for the rest of us? I hope it’s the Queca documentary March of the Sheep.

Pedro: No! Let’s watch Goodfellas with Al Pacino, that is my favorite movie.

Wahin Makinaciones: Whoa, that is just plain wrong, little homey. Also, yo, take this awesomesauce sticker.

Javier Mascherano: Mister, might I recommend El Amor y el Espanto?

Pedro: What about Evita? Do you like that, too?

Mascherano: I will punch in the throat. While you sleep.

Wahin Makinaciones: Man, you are just all over the map wack, today, P! Take these swag sunglasses.

Dani Alves: There are some topical movies we could watch.

Pique: The Jerky Boys?

Cesc: Wenger used to make us watch Jean Cocteau films. They were decent, I guess.

Busquets: Let’s watch a movie about Strumford Widget! Haaaaaa.

Tito: I really identify with the seagulls in Finding Nemo. Only about soccer balls and not fish.

Pep: Sigh, all right, we’re going to watch Valdes doing more impressions of you guys.

Abidal: Hey guys, can I come?

Everyone: Abiiiiii!!!!!

Valdes: LOL, that was just me doing an impersonation.

Mascherano: Definitely going to punch you in the throat.

Pep: Great, I’ll see you in the viewing room at 8. Anyone else have anything to say?

Puyol: I ride unicorns!

Wahin Makinaciones: Get it, son!

Tito: More possession!

Pep: I’m leaving.

Pedro: Oh, maybe we should watch Mary Poppins, that takes place in England. And it’s a documentary like Xavi likes!

Posted in Champions League, El Banquillo27 Comments

El Banquillo 7: Don’t Count Your Goals Before They Hatch

You guys have been amazing, what with the donation drive (more on that very shortly) and the lack of posts over the last few days. So, obviously, you deserve a Banquillo. Hopefully it lives up to its reputation. It’s as timely as all the other ones were, at least.

Episode 7: In which the darkness is repelled by the light. And goals. Lots of goals.
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El Banquillo 6: Back to Work, Chicos

Episode 6: And so the team returns to training after a summer of success…
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El Banquillo 5: Mission Emirates

Episode 5: In which the dastardly plans of Barcelona come to light…
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El Banquillo 4: The FIFA virus

[Sorry this is so late; obviously it’s about the previous international break]

In which the team returns from international break… Continue Reading

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El Banquillo 3: The Empire Strikes Back

I know that this is late, but there were some technical difficulties in getting it posted. My apologies. -Isaiah

Episode 3: In Which Real Madrid convenes their yearly player meeting to discuss tactical changes, greet new personnel, and do a little math…

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El Banquillo 2: Getting Up to Speed

Episode 2: In which the management gets together to discuss everything that has happened in the offseason.
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El Banquillo #1:

[Author’s note: The idea for this was taken from the amazing The Dugout over on Progressive Boink. You should read it and love it, even if you don’t like baseball. However, if I took any of the names from The Dugout, that was entirely unintentional. -Isaiah]

Episode 1: In which the team meets up for the first time after the off season to say goodbye to those who are leaving and hello to some of the new guys.
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