One last post before it all comes together in those 90 minutes of madness:

All that’s left to say, the only thing worth saying is this:

Visca el Barça!

Things you might want to read while you’re, you know, totally not thinking about El Clásico or at least after you’re done laughing at this:

And you thought only Busi dove or exaggerated…

Zonal Marking: Real Madrid v Barcelona – El Clasico tactical preview

Sid Lowe: Barcelona-Real clash likely to be decisive in this year’s title race

Graham Hunter: El Clasico: Real Madrid vs FC Barcelona: Q&A with Graham Hunter

In a couple of hours, SoccerMom will have Part 3 of her epic novel published for you, so then you can read that too.

Ladies and Gentleman, Cules and Culettes, besides the extremely hard night of not really sleeping because you’re dreaming about it, El Clásico is upon us. It is here, once again, to break you in half over it’s massive Earl Campbell sized thigh. Yeah, it does that sort of thing. Beware the dark lord and all that.

Typically I’m not a big fan of overly hyped games. If you’re from the US and not from “Geaux Tiger” country, you might remind yourself of the 700 or so hours of pre LSU-Alabama media slobbering prior to a 9-6 overtime slumberfest that would have been out-excited by a Bob Ross marathon. I try not to tune into these hyperbolic cliches more than 1 minute before kickoff or tip off or whatever other starting mechanism they have; it’s just a way of protecting myself from the barrage of montages set to horrific music. For El Clásico, though? I’m down.

I know I’ve kvetched rather incessantly about the last bundle of clásicos: they stole my soul, they crushed my will to live, etc. I know I’ve basically compared to myself to a cartoon character running out over a cliff and continuing going despite the lack of ground beneath him. Soon, I’ll look down and hold up a Wile E. Coyote sign that says “Goodbye!” and down I’ll plunge. Yet here I am, twitching slightly and forgoing all my real life obligations. In the end, the match will be sweet relieve from the building tension, from the questions of who starts where, of formations and tactics, and especially from the endless predictions of one team’s demise and the other’s triumphant crushing of the opposition.

And so, the first thing I did this morning was watch this. And then this. And, for a bit of levity, this. My favorite part of that second link is the part where David Villa slides along the ground after scoring his second and the team’s 4th. There’s a little flash of something written, some hidden message in the midst of the frames. Sherlock Holmes like, I tracked it down, decrypted it, and screen capped it:

It’s funny. I imagine that Isabel is a small child, perhaps the animator’s 6 year old daughter. I see her sitting at her father’s desk painstakingly coloring in the lines that he shows her, adding colors in the right spots, the dash of green on his feet, giggling about the blue fingertips, and in a moment of pure rebellion the bright blue period at the end of her sentence. Then again, if she drew that picture herself, she’s a fantastically better artist than I am, no matter her age.

Whatever, she’s 6 and she’s my favorite artist of all time.

El Clásico can rarely be discussed in terms of stats or current form. Yes, I discuss both of those things a lot, including in the first link of this post, but in the end, the matches rarely make sense when accompanied by their surroundings. They are stand alone matches, yet surrounded by all the peripheral nonsense you could possibly imagine. And some you probably can’t. I didn’t know who Andrea Huisgen was until a few minutes ago and now I’ve seen her in a variety of different outfits and poses. My favorite is obviously the Messi jersey. The things you learn pre-clásico, eh?

And that’s pretty much the point: every few seconds, the mind veers away from the solid thoughts about 3-5-2 vs 3-4-3 vs 4-3-3 and settles rather nicely on the mental equivalent of keyboard mashing: dln&86327!!!7,ns64@. Hey, that’s my email password….

I did, however, record a fairly coherent podcast yesterday morning. Or at least fairly coherent for me at 8am. It’s all relative, folks. Kari’s podcast is here, mine is embedded below:

If you just listened to that, you know my prediction is not necessarily totally positive for Barça’s league chances: a 2-2 away draw. Again. Yes, I know. I know all about that sigh you just let out, the one that says “He’s joking, he’ll say manita later and I’ll run whooping into the street.” I know. I just did the same thing, actually. And so did my brain last night when it conjured up about a thousand scenarios while I tried to fall asleep. 7th minute penalty and Iker is sent off for denying a clear goal scoring opportunity. Adan has to come in and is summarily besieged by the blaugrana in his own stadium. Even Mourinho can’t play down a man for 83 minutes, especially not without Casillas between the sticks to pull his magic tricks.

But that’s just pipe dreams. That’s just me wanting to see an explosion of goals for Barça like every biased individual. Gut instinct goes with the draw, with the league getting all the harder to win (though certainly not impossible), and the Madrid-based tabloids going to town on their statistics (x points equals such and such a percentage of winning the league), much like the Barça-based tabloids have been able to do for the last several years.

And yet.

"I want you to score a wondergoal from right there."

I’m the guy who wears his Barça gear throughout southeast Asia and gets shoutouts on the street. “Barça!” they say and I smile. “Messi!” they say and give me a thumbs up. “Xavi!” I respond and get a blank look in return. Ah well. Messi it is, then, and, really, his goals are exquisite paeans to the football gods, yet he is backed up by [deep breath]: Xavi, Iniesta, Pique, Puyol, Villa, Keita, Pedro, Abidal, Alves, Isaiah, Valdes, Mascherano, Busquets, Adriano, Pinto, Sanchez, Thiago, Maxwell, Fabregas, Fontas, and a host of Barça babies. Ibi is currently injured, or he’d be in that list too. That’s a stunning list of talent. It behooves the fans to have faith in them and to enjoy their time. This is, after all, el clásico and the team has only lost once to Madrid since May 2008 and that took an extra time header and a string of brilliant Iker Casillas saves.

Okay, you know you want a bit of actual perspective on the match.

Predicted lineup: Valdés, Alves, Piqué, Puyol, Abidal, Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Cesc, Messi, Sánchez.

I mean, that’s as good a guess as any, right? Mascherano has been beastly, so it’s hard to think of the squad without him, but Puyol will, until the day his legs fall off, be the heart and soul of the defense. Piqué, when healthy and ready, is simply a class defender that should always start. He can also pull the Piquenbauer thing. Speed on the wings through Alexis will help to alleviate some of the defensive pressure as well as take advantage of whoever gets put in Sergio Ramos’ position. If it’s Coentrao, I’m not completely convinced he’s disciplined enough to hold the wing for 90 minutes after playing a full match in midweek. The slightest bit of fatigue will get taken advantage of immediately.

If we play 3-5-2, I’d start Villa in a second over Cesc. That would put a lot of defensive onus on Alves, but that is how it goes and, really, how it should be. He’s the best right back in the world and as such, he’s got to play a superb game to keep those counterattacks to a minimum. Then again, Cesc provides a crucial link in midfield as well as a strange aerial presence and another goalscoring threat through the middle. Still, if we’re going to shuttle between 3-4-3 and 3-5-2, I say Villa should start. But if we’re sticking with 4-3-3 that shifts to a 4-5-1/4-6-0, then Cesc is going to be more capable.

Whatever. If we lose this one, I fear that we’ll see Pep ascending to the heavens while he leaves a cryptic message saying “So long and thanks for all the trophies” etched on Messi’s Lego collection. But I don’t think that will happen simply because I don’t think anyone in blaugrana will let it happen. Wondergoals seem to abound in these meetings and I think that is simply because the teams are up for it. And I hate that kind of pseudo psychological rubbish. But yeah, they are, they’re f-ing up for it and how can they not be?

As for the other team…they’ve got everyone except Carvalho in their squad list. Thing is, others in the squad aren’t 100% healthy and Karanka has said in the press conference this morning that they’ll play a 4-3-3 with their attack consisting of di Maria, Cristiano, and one of either Benzema or Higuain. Whether you trust Karanka or not is up to you, but I suppose that’s as good of an indication as any that 1) Mourinho thinks he can win this while telling everyone what he’s going to do, much like the end around sweep in Madden 95 that was simply unstoppable or the automatic goal scoring move in NHL 95 and 2) that their most dangerous player, Mesut Ozil, will be a second half substitute and alleviate a lot of early pressure on Barça’s back line. Perhaps I’m foolish, but I don’t see a midfield of Khedira, Xabi Alonso, and Lassana Diarra as the pinnacle of creativity. Yes, they launch counterattacks based on their defensive solidity and front line speed, but Barça’s pressing is of a different sort than, say, Osasuna’s.

But we’ll see. 4-3-3 vs 4-3-3? That’s asking for a 1-0 game where defensive mistakes are what lead to goals. And I put my money on Messi causing a mistake in their back line. But Pep will probably line up in a 1-7-2 with Cuenca and Fontas as those front 2. What do I know?

Match Details

Time: 10pm local, 4pm US east coast. Check out your local time here.
Where: Skullcrusher Mountain, Lair of Evil, 10th Circle of Hell.
Who: Us vs. Them. But please tell me you knew that…
Why: Because someone has to fight the forces evil.
How: Lightsabers? Wands? The BFG? The other (totally better!) BFG? Shaolin?

TV: Here in the US the match will be on GolTV, ESPN Deportes, and ESPN3. Please post what channel it will be on in your country in the comments.

For those of you wondering, I’ll be at Woodwork in Brooklyn for this match. Feel free to stop by and say hi. You’ll know who we are the instant you walk in. If you show up first and take my seat, though, I will bust out Puyol Rage on you. And you don’t want that.

Final thought:

Visca el Barça!

Oh, tis fabulous the Internet, when it wants to be. And right now, it wants to be. Somethin’ fierce. Major hat tips to daninimo and our very own Kari (via pablitasan) for resisting the urge to troll my request for animated gifs and actually send me Things of Value™.

I was just out minding my own business when, lo and behold, there were these magical moving pictures I simply had to share with the crowd. Enjoy and don’t bust a gasket screaming in happiness.

Lovely, but wouldn’t you want to see that from a different angle? Sure you would.

There were some other pretty good ones in that Super Copa, though…

Thing is, it’s pretty good with commentary too.

And that’s just the Super Copa. There’s so much more in this treasure trove. Remember Ibi Afellay? I do:

But, as with all of these amazing Lionel Messi goals, there always seems to be one that was just a little bit better than the last one you saw. And so:

It’s not all goals and celebrations, though. There are softer moments, moments that make you sniff at the sheer grace of these wonderful kids playing on their little green field with a ball someone gifted them for Christmas:

Heeeeee.

And defense? Sure, defense is pretty cool too:

And there are simply so many more good ones. But then, of course, the simple yet sublime:

And, of course, to finish it off, my absolute all-time favorite Cristiano Ronaldo gif:

Fontas: forever walking Chewbacca

We’re posting thick and fast now, so here are links to the last 3 things that we put up prior to this: Kari’s Clasico Podcast, Tito’s Return, and Soccermom’s Part 1 of the greatest book ever conceived. Read those!

Yesterday afternoon I watched the Basel-Manchester United Champions League match that ended with [Spoiler Alert!] Alex Ferguson’s team dropping to the Europa League for the first time in I don’t know how long. Some long amount of time. Part of what was so interesting about the match was how Basel played right through much of United’s midfield. Shaqiri was impressive, if also selfish at times, and he did a good job of simply taking the space given him and using it well. The same can be said of, say, Rafinha, in the match against BATE.

Kevin tweeted this before, but it’s worth reiterating: the players may be young, but the system is purring like a cat in the sun. That’s not necessarily a statement about the overall quality of the players, though they are certainly extremely talented, but it is a statement about the overall quality of the system put in place over the last two decades by a team always looking forward. Guardiola played it perfectly and the team responded in kind, perhaps against a weak opponent, but one that drew 1-1 with Milan.

Marti Riverola made his competitive debut, Rafinha and Thiago played together for the first time, and Sergi Roberto and Martin Montoya scored their debut first team goals. Pedro finished the match with 50 goals to his name in 140 appearances. Guardiola got his 150th win in 208 attempts (!).

Everyone line up and celebrate!

Beyond that, it was probably Pinto’s last European game between the sticks and I think Maxwell becomes the first outfield player to ever be older than the combined ages of everyone else other than his goalie. But I suppose when everyone else is in the single digits, that’s not so crazy. Bartra is 4 and Cuenca is 5, after all. All around, a solid day.

There were some fluffed lines that could have resulted in goals for BATE, but they were never really up for it and from the get-go it was always going Barça’s way. The stats are the usual stats: 75% possession, 9 shots on goal to 0, 6 fouls to 16. You’d imagine that Xaviniesta were controlling the midfield and not Thiafinantos. Yeah, that one didn’t really work out, did it? Jonafinhiago? Dammit. Dos Alcantara just seems like cheating. Jonathiago works well enough, I guess, but leaves out Rafinha. Ah well.

My major thought about this match is that it calms the nerves of various cules prior to The Big Game. The matches against Rayo and Levante were also therapeutic and should really help the squad go into the match on Saturday with a big grin and some backhands to the jowls to give away like candy on Halloween. It won’t be easy, but these matches, ones where the team gets its swagger back, even if vicariously, are massive. Real Madrid will know they were lucky to get away with an easy win in Amsterdam–2 goals ruled out by a Portuguese ref, let the nonsensical conspiracy theories abound!–even if it was a relatively weakened side. Fábio Coentrão and Pedro both played 90 minutes, which suggests they won’t get starts on Saturday, but anything can happen. Benzema and Higuain also played large parts in the RM match, so the advantage of resting up goes to Barça by a smidge. The advantage of being at the top of the league and this not being a must win goes to RM.

The future is bright, folks, though we’ll need to find a new defender. That’s not based on any lack of quality in either Bartra or Fontas, it’s just that, well, what’s with the lack of hair, boys? With those purty little haircuts that make you seem like nice young men, how can you ever compete with this:

And now I’m hyped. Get ready. It’s here.

He won’t be making the trip to Japan with the team next week, but Tito Vilanova was back with the team and should make the trip to the Bernabeu. Such fantastic news! Hopefully Mourinho doesn’t look up what a parotid gland is and then try to poke him in that.

Some pictures:

"Human Potential achieved, captain."

I might just get this tattooed to my face I love it so much.

Awww x infinity plus Guardiola kicking the ball like a small child and going "shucks"

Injuries are bad, but illness is terrible and Tito’s recovery is fantastic on a lot of levels. Obviously the team needs him, though they’ve turned in some stellar performances without him, so his return is good for the squad. More importantly, it’s good for Tito (and his family) that he’s healthy and able to get back to work.

And what work there is to do. El Clásico awaiteth, after all.

[All pictures via the official site, by Miguel Ruiz]