So I was watching the match with my brother yesterday because he has a 50” plasma and I don’t. Below is a basic transcription of our conversation during the game.
Brother: Man, Argentina are terrible.
Me: [cringes after another defensive ‘play’] Yeah. I know.
Brother: And it’s not like a ‘oh, their defense is sh*t’ terrible; they are collectively crap. And for a team that has Messi on it, that takes some doing.
Me: [cringes after another DiveMaria dive] Yeah. I know.
Brother: This is just like the Germany game, ain’t it? A bunch are attacking, and the rest are sitting back. Messi trying to link them together while also dribbling past x players and trying to score. Argentina ain’t gonna win shiznit if they keep this up.
Me: [cringes at the awfulness of it all] Yeah. I know.
Brother: You seem to know a lot of things. Care to share some of the knowledge? How exactly are Argentina gonna fix…[waves to screen] that?
Me: It’s simple, really. Just a case of the wrong tactics. They need to change their formation to a 1-2-7. [calmly sips drink]
Brother: To a what?
Me: A 1-2-7. Well, a 1-2-X-6 would be ideal, but that might be a bridge too far.
Brother: And how, pray tell, will that work?
Me: Easy. Romero’s in goal because we can’t kidnap Buffon and force him to be a naturalized Argentine, so he will have to do. Also, he cut his hair, so he gets bonus points for that.
Mascherano forms the ‘1’ because really, who needs anyone else? He’ll slide tackle anyone who dares cross the halfway line, get all ball and leave a “sMasch was Here” on their calves to boot. Maybe snarl at them too.
Brother: [holds hand up] Whoa, wait a second. How can he get all ball while also leaving a mark?
Me: That’s the beauty of sMasch, bro. He gets it done. 8)
Banega and Pastore form the ‘2’ in the formation. They feed the seven forwards up top.
Brother: What about Cambiasso? Isn’t he, uh, one of the best DMs in the world? I mean, he does play for Inter and I’ve never really heard of Pastore.
Me: Hlebbed Pastore* takes a seat on the bench. We don’t need defensive midfielders, remember? That’s what sMasch is for. Pastore does whatever Hlebbed Pastore was attempting to do about a million times better.
Moving on to the forwards, Dive Maria will run towards the byline and fall. Lavezzi will hit the ball in front of him, chase after it, fail at whatever crosshot he attempts, and snarl at the referee for doing something to the ball’s trajectory. Tevez will pass to himself, lay an Apache smackdown on all defenders that come near him, before letting out a beastial roar, ripping off his jersey to reveal an “I Love Boca y Argentina” tattoo on his chest.
The crowd goes wild.
Aguero takes on defender after defender mano-a-mano before smoking a que golazo carajo past the helpless keeper. Higuian is there to tap in whatever doesn’t get done by someone else.
Diego Milito is there just because. We have seven forwards, yo. And we can so play them all.
Brother: …Okaaay. What about Messi?
Me: [blank look] Who?
Brother: [raises eyebrow] Err, Lionel Messi. The Messi you’re always fawning over?
Me: [snaps fingers ] Ohhhh. You mean XavIniestaLeo Carles Pique of Dahveed Rodriguez. He plays three positions at the same time but can also help Mascherano defend when needed. When we need width, he’s there. When we need someone to dribble, he’s there. When we need a goal, he’s there. When we need someone to fix something someone else messes up, he’s there.
XavIniestaLeo would have been the X in the 1-2-X-6, because you can’t really label him a number, but I figured Pastore and Banega would struggle a bit if someone was doing everything before them, so he’ll just have to settle being another forward.
Me: Besides, if XavIniestaLeo plays behind the forwards, we wouldn’t need any more players because he’d do everything. I don’t think we’re allowed to field a team of 7 players. Well, eight, because I think I’d play Romero just because.
With this lineup, the Copa America would be Argentina! Argentina! Argentina!‘s.
How could it possibly fail?
*Credit: Ramzi for this wonderful term. Perfectly describes Cambiasso’s weird arse role. I’m calling him that from now on.
For those who want to see it, Messi vs Bolivia by the indomitable allasFCB2: