Dismissed! (And This Time, We Mean It)

As an American, I love television. When abroad, I consider it my patriotic duty to tune in and see what’s going down in the foreign street. I don’t mean Al-Jazeera or BBC. I mean tee-vee, the idiot box. And Spanish TV is as satisfying as a seven-layer SuperBowl salad: game shows, soap operas, even hip late-nite fare.

But something’s missing. It’s what makes America great and leaves TVE half-rate. There’s no televised arena for Truth, Justice and the SoMerican Way. No “People’s Court”! Now, as a good American, in addition to television, truth and justice, I also adore undeserved profits and unmerited fame. So I am off to pitch “La corte del pueblo” to Televisión Española. Hear ye all, and rise! Court is in session, and the Honorable SoMa presides!

Bailiff: Your Honor, this is Pérez versus Busquets …

Pérez: It is not! We never filed this suit! We only heard about it on TV, just like everyone else! They’re lying! Lying, diving cheats!

SoMa: Sit down, Mr. Pérez. I find you contemptible and your team out of order. (Slams gavel.) That was fun. (Slams again.) First witness!

Anonymous: Well, Your Honor, it’s clear from this video evidence …

(Bailiff wheels in a tall cart with a 20″ Zenith and 1998 VCR, presses “Play”.)

SoMa: What the *&%$# is that? Why is all that snow on my screen?

Bailiff: The machine was not set to Channel 03, Ma’am. The program was not recorded.

SoMa: Oh never mind who cares about evidence I want ratings. You know that Judy byotch beat me by 10 points in Nielsens last month? Old battleax.

(Off-camera, someone moans.)

SoMa: Bailiff! Who the *&^$ is making all that ruckus?

(Moaning:  Por qué … pooooor queeeeee …)

Bailiff: It’s the Ghost of Clásicos Past, Ma’am. He refuses to enter chambers.

SoMa: Well, he can spend the entire proceedings in his hotel room for all I care. So who’s the plaintiff? This is a twenty-minute spot, people. I’ve got a hard break coming up for a Seat ad.

Aitor: Your Honor, my name is Aitor Karanka and I’ll be speaking on behalf of the plaintiff.

(Papers rustle. A woman stands up from a small table before the bench and leaves the room.)

SoMa: Who dat?

Bailiff: The court reporter, Ma’am. She refuses to record the statements of Mr. Karanka and has exited chambers.

Ramos: Your Honor, if you please, everyone knows what went on in that video.

SoMa: What went on in that video?

Ramos: Only Busquets and Marcelo know what went on in that video, Ma’am.

SoMa: Is anyone going to tell me what the #$@% is going on here?

Xavi: If I may, Ma’am.

SoMa: Who you? Wait, where you? Come out from behind that table so I can see your face. All right. Are you Busquets?

Xavi: No, Ma’am. I’m second captain of our squad, and I would like to testify as a character witness on Sergio’s behalf.

Sergio: (Tugs on Xavi’s sleeve, cups hand over mouth, whispers:) Thank you.

Xavi: (Shuffling papers) Your Honor, I have sworn affadavits here from Josep Guardiola and Vicente del Bosque. They say that our Busi here is a “buen chico” and “racista qué va”. We all believe in him.

Sergio: (Wipes tear from his eye.) Hombre.

Xavi: Ma’am, Sergio has something special. At first you might see him and say, “This guy’s worthless. He doesn’t even have style.”

SoMa: I’ll say.

Xavi: But he sees the play before anybody else. He’s so tall, all hunched over, but always with his head up. He needs to see the field, see where we are, and then he decides. And he always decides well.

SoMa: Go on.

Xavi: But besides all that, he’s a cabrón, a real bastard.

Sergio: (Murmurs) Uh, you’ve done more than enough for me, man.

Xavi: He sticks a leg out, he goes for the crash. Boom!

Sergio: (Hissing) Xavi baby, really. It’s cool.

Xavi: He’s a whore, you know? A puta. And he’s del barrrio, too, a townie, like.

Sergio: (Crosses arms on table, lays head over arms.) Send me a postcard from Wembley, jerk.

Xavi: This kind of trickery, you’ve either got it or you don’t. I, for one, don’t.

SoMa: (Points gavel at plaintiff’s stand). Do they have it?

Xavi: Oh, sure. Ramos does, and Pepe … They know when to fall over, to stop play. (Turns to public, raises arms to ceiling.) This guy is la hostia! Everybody now! Buu-see! Buuu-see!

Sergio: (Swipes leg under table, takes out Xavi at the knee.)

Xavi: Oof.

SoMa: That’s it. I’m done. Case dismissed and clear the court everyone, I’m sick of the lot of ya!

(Public rises to its feet, begins throwing red peppers at one another. Chaos ensues.)

For graphic:


For Xavi’s remarks:


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Written by:

SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. blitzen
    May 17, 2011

    Nope. Not feeling this one. Too soon.

  2. jaymin
    May 17, 2011

    :: doffs cap, sneezes, bows & leaves ::

  3. Barcaleya
    May 17, 2011

    Hahaha! I thought it was funny. Xavi is funny. I imagine him saying all these.

  4. vaderspacedout
    May 17, 2011

    I like the black ones. Still not digging the home ones. Tiny little narrow stripes.

  5. May 17, 2011

    I likes 🙂

    By the by, official: Japan not playing at the Copa America. Costa Rica will replace them. Both have been confirmed by their respective federations and CONMEBOL.

  6. lovelymofo
    May 17, 2011

    Hee. That was awesome. Also, I love that article! I love that Xavi describes Busi asla puta del barrio. They should just give Xavi a show where he makes comments about footy. A weekly 30 minute show. It would be fantastic.

  7. Miguel
    May 17, 2011

    Is this on before Amar en Tiempos Revueltos?

    Awesome! This is too cute. SoMa has a potty mouth on her.

  8. chardo
    May 17, 2011

    Made a while back.

    Scene: Around noon at the Camp Nou. A group of men and a boy stretch in a circle.

    Bojan: how come we stretch and warm up so much? I think it’s too much.

    Puyol: when I was your age I could touch my toes! Now I can barely play 2 matches in a row.

    Messi: If pep let me I would play in every game. Even the segunda division.

    Bojan: me too Leo! But I really don’t like stretching… I’m gonna ask mom why it helps when I get home.

    Pique: I’ll ask her later tonight… did anyone see ibra’s goal for Milan yesterday? Man I hope he comes back and plays for barca again.

    Messi: yeah me too. You and him were really good friends right? Like you guys were really close.

    Puyi: yeah…reallllyy close.

    Pique: were best friends. Ibra’s my boy.

    Bojan: messi’s my boy! Right Leo??

    Messi: yeah! Did pep leave us the rocket pops for today? I really want one now.

    Bojan: I’ll run over and check by the touchline mini fridge. [runs over and opens the mini fridge] Gabis lion heart, villas hair product, puyi’s wilderbeast leg….NO ROCKET POPS!


    Pep: [rolls onto the field with jeffren pushing his wheelchair] what is it now Leo?

    Bojan and Messi: [teary eyed] you forgot our rocket pops.

    Pep: I just got back from the hospital I didn’t have time to get them. My back is killing me I can barely move.

    Pique: [chuckles] thats what she said!

    Bojan: who?

    Pique: nevermind.



  9. yonono
    May 17, 2011

    Apparently jeta (as in “el Madrid tiene mucha jeta”) is a synonym for morro–as in tienes “mucho morro.”

    So my question is, how clever is Xavi?

  10. Okay, I’ve been wondering about this for a while:

    WTF is up with these Pastore rumours?!

    Every story you read about Pastore has “Zamparini” “30/40/50M” “Barcelona” “Messi” “But Happy at Palermo”, or other such words. WTF?!

    • LOL I’m following Zamparini with utmost interest because I’m convinced he has Multiple Personality Disorder. First he said Pastore would never leavecoz he’ll be worth more than Messi in 2 years, then he claimed he was shopping for a Pastore replacement, then it was “Pastore wants to stay”, followed by “I will encourage big clubs to start making crazy bids for Pastore”. Last I heard, it was “I’ll be crazy to sell Pastore! He’s staying!”. That’s the gist of it.

      • beeeef
        May 18, 2011

        Zamparini is just buttering up Pastore for when he eventually leaves (one more season me thinks).

        I’m also a Palermo fan, and I can tell you that this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Zamparini. A real egomaniac and nutcase through and through, these days he does a lot more bad than good for the team. Rosell ain’t nothing compared to this guy.

  11. May 17, 2011

    ok so the question is, if they were the same price who do we want Pastore or Cesc?

    The Argie dynamic would be amazing to watch grow together, and Pastore is one of the only players in the world (non-masia) that can come in and play Tiki-Taka right away. Cesc on the other hand is our golden boy, Blaugrana blood. Fits like a glove….straight killer ya know. Great friends with so many players. Also Will Messi’s influence, does Gabi get another year? Maybe a spot on the coaching staff if he is ready to hang em’ up?

    For me, save 25 million euros and nab Douglas Costa.

    Finally, if Man City bring in a ton of big name guys, could we get Adam Johnson at a cut rate price?

    • Pastore.

      Cesc has been EPL tainted and frankly, no, i don’t think he’d settle back in as easily as everyone else thinks.

      • barca96
        May 17, 2011

        Cesc has been EPL tainted

        Do you mean his injuries and future injuries to to the physical nature of the EPL?

        If yes, I think our physio can bring him back to normal. Remember, out physio team can make miracles.

        That said, I love Pastore but not sure where he would play. Is he a winger? From what I’ve seen on Arg NT, he plays in the middle. If he plays in the wing, he might be like Iniesta.
        And and I think he will take over Affelay’s place. Actually 3M could become a permanent winger. I prefer him there.

        • i meant he has the EPL mentality now, he became ‘one of them’ and is no loner suitable for reinsertion.

    • BarcaGirl_Indo
      May 17, 2011

      Cesc or Pastore?

      Cesc FTW…
      Because his ex La Masia and a Catalan…
      and I like the boy

  12. BarcaGirl_Indo
    May 17, 2011

    I like it…

    the Xavi is so… Xavi-esque…
    I can imagine he’s saying all of those… 😛

  13. yelèna
    May 17, 2011

    oooh SoMa, this is so funny. hahaha…
    and interviews w/ Xavi are always such a fun read, always witty.

  14. ElJefe
    May 18, 2011

    I thought nothing could shake my commitment to the club, not losing, not infighting, not Mourinho or Sir Alex, or any hill we had to climb. But these new home jerseys may have me finding another team to follow next year.

    Seriously though, WTF?

    • vaderspacedout
      May 18, 2011

      LMAO it’s that ugly innit hahahahahahahahahahahaa

  15. vaderspacedout
    May 18, 2011

    LMAO Wikipedia on Sid Lowe:

    ‘He also recently revealed that he is a massive Bu Tan Klan fan, and had posters of Casper the Ghost and Dirty Old Man on his wall as a young boy. Each night, Lowe would earnestly look up at the posters, dreaming of a career as Sid the Flow that would never be as he is entirely incapable of producing borderline acceptable hip-hop music. He also harbours royalist ambitions working as a part-time butler for Queen Sofia of Spain. He is well known on the football circuit for turning up at matches in “alternative” clothing, which often consists of a pair of cowboy chaps and a leather waistcoat.’


  16. K_legit
    May 18, 2011

    Thanks again Jnice for the Revista links..can’t wait for the season review..
    Just a question..you have any clue where I could get the season review for the 08-09 season por favor?

      • Jnice
        May 18, 2011

        Just checked- I couldn’t find it, and if I remember correctly, no one ever uploaded that one back in May 2009.

        • K_legit
          May 18, 2011

          ahh that’s to bad..it would have been epic that one

  17. Vj
    May 18, 2011

    Awesome as always!

    Mundo Deportivo having some sense? Unbelievable!

    Because of the transfer fee of 45-50M, the transfer of Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas is at the moment not an option for this summer. [md]

    via Pep @ Barcastuff..

    • Helge
      May 18, 2011


      He deserves another year at Arsenal without winning a title. Because Arsenal will not win a title next year 🙂

      I mean, they’ve been dreaming of a quadruple in february, and in the end, they lost the Carling Cup in the most disappointing and stupid manner and even dropped out of the CL-securing top 3…
      And they’ve been talking about a new mentality, that they’ve matured, bla bla bla. That’s nonsense, nothing has changed, they still fail in big matches and after every step forward (e.g. beating ManUtd in the league), they take more than one step backwards (losing to Stoke City)! And that is always the same with Arsenal, after beating a title contender or closing the gap to the first-placed team, they fail hard in the next match, mostly against lesser opponents. This team is an incredible joke, I respected them a lot during the times of Bergkamp and Henry, but nowadays I don’t even have pity on their desperate situation.

      Sorry for this rant^^

      • Jnice
        May 18, 2011

        On Revista yesterday, Guillem says Cesc is Pep’s number one target. He says our first offer will be around 30 million, but we don’t want to spend much more than that.

        Take that with a pinch of salt.

        He also says what all the papers have been saying; we want Rossi or Sanchez or a striker that can play on the wing and score goals. Villarreal want 30m for Rossi.

      • Vj
        May 18, 2011

        Usually I’d laugh and agree, but this time Arsen(e)al have their backs against the wall, morale amongst the Gooners lower than anytime what with the 6% hike and all..

        But they aren’t a bad team. They’ve beaten us, Utd and Chelsea which they’ve never done in recent memory. Plus, there’s no distraction this summer. If they play their cards right this silly season, have some luck wrt to injuries, and keep their focus solely on the prize, I’m gonna back them to win the League..

  18. Nik
    May 18, 2011

    I so hope we don’t get Cesc this summer. It’ll force Pep to stay for another season. 🙂

  19. Lev
    May 18, 2011

    i just read on football365 that thiago’s contract is running out this summer. I thought we had extended his contract during the last contract window with the promise he would be promoted to the 1st team next season?

    • mei
      May 18, 2011

      reportedly there’s a clause in his contract for an automatic 1 year extension as soon as he gets promoted to the first team.
      The club has announced it, but it is expected to officially happen when the 2011-2012 gets registered.

        • Jnice
          May 18, 2011

          I’m sure we will next season. Sometime later this year, I bet.

    • May 18, 2011

      That is a great video compilation, and one that makes me happy that he’s playing for us, rather than against us.

      • Barcaleya
        May 18, 2011

        Yes, wow! I’m so very, very happy too that we have him.

        Love, love Messi!!!!

  20. May 18, 2011

    Valencia has made an offer for Krkic? That’s the buzz via @barcastuff. T’would be a loan, contingent upon player approval. He’d be crazy not to take it, particularly if we’re serious about laying in another attacker. He gets to develop with a top-four side, and much more regular playing time. No down side.

    –How’d you like to have been one of the folks who scoffed at the scalper outside the Camp Nou who was offering CL Final tix for EUR10. Turns out they were real, part of a promotion for Opel Cars. Hy-larious!

    –Rafa Alcantara has a driver’s license? Whoa.

    –The geniuses at EMD say that we will be looking to strengthen in the areas of attack, central defense and the midfield. Really? Get outta town!

    –Finally, we were offered Patrice Evra for EUR6,000 a number of years ago, and turned it down. Premiership folks are shocked. Don’t they realize that we already have the best left and right back in the world right now?

    • Lev
      May 18, 2011

      Krkic on loan to Valencia? That would be great, actually. I wonder if he would be a regular starter, but he should get a lot more playing time than we do, and possibly play some big CL games, too.

      It does make our need for a new forward even more desperate, though. Heck, we might need two new forwards if Krkic spends the next season dressed in white ( 😮 )

      • Lev
        May 18, 2011

        uhhh…than we do? i meant than he is getting right now at Barça of course. Brain fart no.1 of the day. Probably won’t be my last…

      • Lev
        May 18, 2011

        Hell, if he was offered for 6000 euros I’d be shocked if we have turned it down. 60.000 euros I’d be shocked. Add another zero and I’d still be shocked.

    • Jnice
      May 18, 2011

      If we were to sign Rossi, I would prefer if Bojan went to Villarreal. He would have a better chance of playing and their style isn’t too dissimilar to ours.

      And if Emery stays on as manager of Valencia, it means that there will be rotations every week. Bojan would find himself on the bench a lot regardless of form.

    • Blow-Grenade
      May 18, 2011

      Bojan should totally go for Valencia. He wont get this chance again.

  21. Vj
    May 18, 2011

    Hmm, Carazo is barking about it but the Valencian dailies are mum. I’m gonna go ahead and call BS about the Bojan loan stories..

  22. dennise
    May 18, 2011

    President Rosell has asked his Madrid counter-part Perez for support regarding the creation of a European Superleague, away from UEFA

    from Barcastuff


    • May 18, 2011

      Money. Simple as that. And if you get the big teams from each league to form a European superleague, then it’s similar to that G20 thing that was floating around for a while. As a colleague just said, it also means never having to go to Russia in February. You can even see the teams:

      Us, Them, Bayern, United, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool, Inter, Milan, Porto, Ajax, Valencia, Sevilla, etc, etc. Just think the current big 2-3 from every major domestic league, and off you go.

      Bigger prize pool for everyone without the gouging hands of UEFA. If you’re a money-loving club president, what’s not to like? And just like we struck our own TV deal, there’s no reason that someone wouldn’t sign on in about 5 seconds for that kind of European SuperLiga.

      • Eklavya
        May 18, 2011

        It would also mean a lot more time spent on travel.

    • Lev
      May 18, 2011

      I hated the idea 15 years ago and I hate the idea now.

  23. dennise
    May 18, 2011

    …and if it were true, this statement proves that there is no “special ties ” between barca and UEFA

  24. May 18, 2011

    There’s a strong argument to be made for loaning Bojan out.

    However, if they do so Barca really needs to bring in two new forwards this summer – not just one. Agree with Lev on that point. Bojan goes and they need two forwards – and I just don’t see the club doing that (or at least it would surprise me).

    If they do bring in a Rossi or Sanchez type and Bojan goes out then they should also bring in an older central striker player e.g. Kanoute.

    Valencia makes sense – Bojan would not only get experience in La Liga but in the CL as well. That said – from a development stand point I’m with Jnice – I would prefer that he goes to Villareal – especially if Rossi leaves.

    • Eklavya
      May 18, 2011

      Personally, I think Bojan will not break into any team as of now, be it Valencia or Villareal.

      • Vj
        May 18, 2011

        So, while the coup d’etat is going on, you anger one of the belligerents? Watch out for Kari.

  25. May 18, 2011

    Abidal sold all his cars??!!

    (Having cancer showed him the value of what is/isn’t important. Hell of a press conference.)

    • Humphrey Bogart
      May 18, 2011

      He is just THE king, in every sense of the word.

  26. Josep
    May 18, 2011

    We complain about a thin squad but suggest Bojan loaned out with no replacement?

    Sakho, Sanchez, Kanoute. Maybe another CB?
    No one? Milito or Maxwell.

    Cesc shouldn’t come back. I stand by this unless its on a free in 2015. He left us during tough times, never said he wanted to come back, then Pep becomes coach, we win a treble, more trophies, etc. Then all the rumors start? Meanwhile his club is going through a dry spell?

    He has almost no loyalty it would seem.

    and if you haven’t yet, watch revista de la liga. If you never have, this week is worth it. Graham Hunter spits some great truth on the busi situation.

    • May 18, 2011

      Can you distill it, for those of us with neither the time nor inclination to deal with downloading/watching/etc?

      • Lev
        May 18, 2011

        yeah that would be great. i hate downloading it especially now that my laptop is screwed 🙁

    • Blow-Grenade
      May 18, 2011

      Would be nice to have a summary.

    • Barcaleya
      May 18, 2011

      Yes, please! I can’t download it 🙁

    • K_legit
      May 18, 2011

      The gist of his talk was the fact that:
      In playing in a crowded stadium it is often very diffiuclt to hear what people are saying on the pitch. Was Marcelo a 100% sure what Busquets was saying?
      Real Madrid came up with this accusation without having sufficient proof to back it up. And if indeed they believed that Busquets had uttered a racist remark then they should have:
      a. Included this in the first complaint that they made to UEFA and
      b. Should have made a bigger deal of it when the complaint was rejected
      Instead they chose to spend their time, trying (and failing to) unobtrusively wash their hands off the matter.
      Basically, the way they acted was incompetent and the way they handled the situation was inept.
      In addition, Hunter claimed to have spoken with a black former Barcelona player who said that things like this would not be tolerated at FC Barcelona.
      Also, Balague and Hunter said point regarding the fact that Spain’s general public have not been educated enough in terms of racial incidents insofar as what and which constitutes a racist incident a-la the Aragones incident amongst others.

      • K_legit
        May 18, 2011

        by things like this I mean, if a Barcelona player was found guilty of racism he would be punished most severly

      • Para
        May 18, 2011

        K_legit wins at the summary game. 🙂

        If you would like a much less concise and rather rambling account of what they talked about, I’ve put it on the new post.

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