Liga Preview: Levante – Barcelona, Wednesday, 2pm GolTV
Barça has a healthy league lead and needs just a single point from a visit to Levante to clinch the title with 2 matches remaining. Sound familiar? It should: May 14, 2005 saw the same situation. That time we did get the point, with Marquez flicking on a corner and Eto’o heading it in to draw level in the 60th minute. You can watch it here.
It’s the club’s 112th year of existence and you’d think people would be used to things repeating themselves now and then. But no, these things have to be made into a big deal by blogger types of the hack variety. Real writers would talk about, I don’t know, Park Ji-Sung or something. But not me. No way, Josep. Because I know the truth: nothing just happens.
It can’t be a coincidence, after all, that six years on (to the month!), Barça are playing the same team for the title. It just can’t be. So let’s break it down:
Fact 1: The city of Valencia hasn’t had that great a run over the last few years, at least in the footballing world.
Fact 2: The Comunitat Valenciana sponsors Levante.
Fact 3: Levante stole Barça’s jersey colors.
Fact 4: UEFACEF sponsors Barcelona.
Fact 5: It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Don’t mess with Catalunya, foo. Your whole economy will get ruined and your stadiums will be unsellable. And here’s something else: each and every time we’ve beaten them for the league title (since 2006), we’ve worn our disgusting away jerseys to rub it in their faces. First the brown ones (which I kinda liked) and now the spearmint doublemint crap (which I don’t like). Take that, Levantonians…Levantites…Levantitos…yeah, them. Not only do you have to be all “Oh Methuselah they beat us again!” but you have to watch Barça do it in hideous colors. Ha.
I know you’re still with me because this is some seriously easy stuff. The harder part comes in a couple of weeks when I figure out why Manchester United must always lose to Barcelona in Champions League finals. Hint: it has to do with skills.
Reasons Barça will defeat Levante: see articles 1 through infinity of this blog.
Reasons Levante will defeat Barça: hahahahaha, right.
And no, you’re not allowed to point out that I probably said something similar before the Real Sociedad match.
We may not have a Samuel Eto’o, but we do have a Gerard Pique who can head things in sometimes and then go be all awkward with his Deuce Deuce celebration. Instead of Eto’o’s totally calm celebrations that were never totally awesomely amazing. Or heroin-addled.
What was I talking about? Midfield triangles? Oh yes, right: Iniesta combines so well with Xavi because they play sort of a pulley system where one…hey, I was not talking about that! I was talking about my favorite Barça #9 of all time (besides Bojan, duuuh) and how he’s totally the man even though he doesn’t play for us anymore.
With 1 point remaining in the league, I feel like I’ve lost my grip on the season and it’s just a mad scramble to amass alliterative articles before deadlines pass and I’m stuck in the muddy, murky morass that is transfer season. Hector Pills are certainly quite effective, but damn, they can knock you out of action literally for years if you OD on them. So maybe I shouldn’t take this whole bottle? You guys would probably knock down my door trying to pull an intervention…right?
We’ve got the Champions League final, but really, the rest is celebratory for the fans because there’s no way we don’t get a point somewhere, though it won’t be from Madrid because the likes of Getafe are folding like paper in an origami factory. 4-0, huh? Thanks, Burger King Team Dubai.
Whatever, they can have their fun little pichichi award (now with 8 penalties! Tune in next year to see if he can get double figures!) and we’ll take the league and maybe the Champions League (and the pichichi in that). Not that I don’t want Messi to be pichichi, of course, but if I were to choose between that and the Zamora, I’d go with the keeper stats all day all night (much, much more on that next week).
Predicted Lineup: Valdes, Alves, Pique, Puyol, Maxwell, Mascherano, Xavi, Iniesta, Villa, Messi, Pedro.
Official Prediction: 0-2, goals by Villa and Alves.
PS. Learned a new word today: animalcule. It means “a minute or microscopic animal, nearly or quite invisible to the naked eye.” Examples are the obvious ones: infusorian or rotifer. Cules are taking over, even the animal kingdom…where we are also starting small!