In another stunning BFB coup, we’ve contrived to get our hands on the notes Martin Ferguson, chief European scout for Manchester United, was making during his visit to the Camp Nou for the Catalan derby. Because he’s Scottish, we’ve translated the originals for you here:
0′ – This is the worst prawn sandwich I’ve ever had.
0′ – I’ve been told its a bocadillo.
1′ – The lineup is interesting. Apparently Barcelona have 11 players. Who is this Pedro character? And since when does David Villa play for them? I thought it was just Messi and some ball boys. Hmm.
2′ – A foul was given against Barcelona and there’s grumbling that the ref will be fined after the game for unsportsmanlike conduct.
3′ – This Espanyol side doesn’t look to shabby. No wonder they won the world cup.
4′ – Barcelona have taken control of the ball and are refusing to give it back. They’re big meanies, aren’t they?
5′ – I’ve been told that Espanyol is not the national team. I’m very confused now.
7′ – The ball…so mesmerizing…triangles…triangles…
13′ – Just woke up. More triangles.
27′ – Enough with the triangles already!
28′ – Goal! Apparently these triangles create space for the see through fellow.
29′ – Sigh, back to the triangles. What, exactly, are all the other shapes we invented for?
30′ – Does Espanyol have a midfielder out there? I can’t tell.
35′ – Wait, I think I found one!
36′ – Nope, that was a defender out of position.
38′ – Fontas is a bit slow, could be a weak link. Or he’s scared of the Slim Jim guy, which is fair cause he’s pretty creepy.
45′ – Halftime. First half thoughts: triangles are pretty. Barça’s best player: triangles.
46′ – Here we go. Espanyol have made some changes, I think, but I can’t tell.
47′ – Goal! Pique heads it in from a corner. Poor marking, but a terrific cross from Xavi. I know both of those names! Exciting stuff. The lady next to Zubizaretta is cheering lustily. Perhaps she is dating Pique?
48′ – I’m informed Pique is dating Shakira, who is some sort of hottie, as best as I can tell from the blubbering responses. Must investigate further.
50′ – This Fontas guy is definitely not having a good game. Must remember to run at him. Chicharito will turn him inside out and Rooney will run him over.
51′ – Pique caught out. Definitely a weak link here, this left back, stranding fellow players. An evil laugh would probably properly express my feelings.
52′ – It did.
61′ – Cards! There were cards issued here. I didn’t know they had those in Spain, but there was no vicious tackle, no time to scream get up ya wanker or any of the good stuff. Just some guys jawing at each other. We’re not in Kansashire anymore, Alex.
64′ – Espanyol really piling it on now, but can’t seem to get anything past Javier Mascherano. Liverpool is doing well here, even without Stevie G, which is surprising. Kuyt having a good game. Very industrious.
70′ – There is cheering, is it for the triangles? It must be. Maybe Ciudad Condal translates to City of Triangles?
71′ – Fontas off, finally. What a dreadful game, but now we’ll see that famous Barcelona squad depth problem. Another evil laugh feels proper…just a moment longer and we’ll see his replacement…
72′ – Oh my. The missus shouldn’t see this. Evil laugh quelled.
80′ – Espanyol’s right sided attack has been completely shut down. All is lost.
81′ – Hey there’s Messi. He’s adorable.
82′ – Just looked at pictures of Shakira on phone–
90′ – Final whistle. I….stuff? Thoughts? Waka waka? How does this man play football if he goes home to that? Tactics? Sure, wait until she laughs at your jokes before asking for her number.
90′ – We’re doomed, aren’t we?
If you’d like to read more, check out my review on Soccernet.