Como un p*to jefe.

Just a little sumthin’ sumthin’ to lighten things up.

Josep Guardiola’s Office, Friday afternoon, 18:15 BCN time

RoSELL minion Performance Officer: Buenos tardes, Pep. It’s been a stressful last couple of weeks, what with all the El Clasicos and all.

Pep Guardiola: [confused] El Clasico? What is that? A boxing match?

Performance Officer: [eyes Pep warily] …Umm, mister? Are you… okay?

Pep: Why, yes. Never felt better! In fact, just a fortnight ago, I was in Manchester…

Tito Vilanova: [turns to shocked minion Officer] Sorry. Pep’s suffering from a rare mental condition called Hyperclasicoitis.

Performance Officer: Hyperclasicoitis?

Tito: [takes out folder titled “Pep’s Many Mental Conditions” by Ramon Cugat] Yes. It is a rare condition where after many high pressure, high morbo Clasicos in quick succession, Pep’s brain can no longer handle the stress and nonsense that comes before, after, and during a Clasico. A hormone called Nomorebullshitamine, NMB for short, was triggered in his brain, causing it to lock itself.

Performance Officer: Is it.. [gulps] fatal?

Pep: …Sir Alex didn’t start his regular line-up it seems. A shame, that. It’s alright, though, I still have DVDs of….

Tito: Fatal? Oh, no. It just means his brain has rejected all nonsensical talk and refuses to process any information deemed worthless.

Performance Officer: [nods slowly] I see. Well, in that case, I’ll just ask him about Real Madrid then.

Pep: …Chicharito seems to sco— Real Madrid? …There is an imposter Madrid? 😮
I mean, I know there is an Atletico Madrid, which is kinda funny because….

Performance Officier: [pauses] No, I mean Real Madrid CF. You know, the team coached by Jose “Por que?! No entiendo por que!” Mourinho?

Pep: [gives Officer a blank look]

Performance Officer: Oh shi

Tito: —Don’t worry. He’ll recover. Eventually. The length of the condition varies per person, but he’ll be good as almost new by August.

Performance Officer: [sits back on chair and takes a deep breath] Well. I need to get a performance review on Pep, but he’s clearly mentally unstable and…

Tito: [glares] Pep is perfectly stable. It’s not like getting this condition was his fault. He didn’t ask to manage 4 Clasicos in 18 days. He didn’t ask for a paranoid sociopath as an opposing manager. He didn’t ask

Performance Officer: [holds up hands] Okay, okay! I get it! [sulks] …But what do you want me to do? He’s the boss of this team, right? I have to ask him what he does on a daily basis and he’s like—

Tito: [interrupts] That’s fine. I’m with him all the time. As his right-hand man, I’ll tell you.

Performance Officer: [brightens] Okay!

Tito: Well, the first thing he does is:

Promote Earth Saving, like a (freakin’) boss.

Oversee training, like a (freakin’) boss:

Try to join in, like a (freakin’) boss:

Settle for giving a struggling striker some pointers, like a (freakin’) boss:

Motivate the best player in the world , like a (freakin’) boss.

Tell Abidal who to kill, like a (freakin’) boss:

Look indifferent to the media, like a (freakin’) boss:

Then gain their sympathy, like a (freakin’) boss:

Smirk at his achievement, like a (freakin’) boss:

B*tch please, like a (freakin’) boss:

Rock his sunglasses while ignoring the media, like a (freakin’) boss:

Spy on rival teams with a lost expression, like a (freakin’) boss:

Take no–

Performance Officer: [interrupts] Wait a second! Hold up! You’re saying Pep does this all in one day?!

Tito: And more.

Performance Officer: Seriously?

Tito: [leans back in chair] You know it, hombre.

Performance Officer: [gapes] …Well, then I guess there’s no need for a — ahem — performance review

Pep: …Fitness in Madrid is apparently — wait, what performance review?

Performance Officer: [stands up] Nothing, mister. [gives Pep admiring look before leaving office]

Pep: What the…?

Tito: [clasps Pep on the shoulder] It’s really nothing. I just told him part of your day. What you do, como un p*to jefe.

Pep: [blinks] Well, whatever.

Tito: So… [looks over Pep’s shoulder] what have you been doing?

Pep: I’m finishing planning the last goal for the Catalan derby. You see, since it’s 4-0 at this point, I think it’s better if we sub in Bojan for Villa, have Iniesta croqueta some defenders, Xavi do a pelopina and split the defense with a through-ball, then have Messi take on the whole defense before dishing it to Alves, who passes to Busi who falls on the floor cluching his face after giving the ball to Pedro! who crosses the ball to Bojan for the tap in. Boom. A manita at home against the Pericos while also giving Bojan some confidence and match fitness. Perfect.

Tito: [pauses] …And how exactly are we going to pull that off?

Pep: [smiles] That’s the challenge and what I’m currently trying to figure out.

Tito: Ah. Well, you can continue that then.

*end scene*

—–

This is based on Like A Boss by thelonelyisland

— I love Iniesta’s swagger in this pic. It’s like he’s saying, “Yeah, this is MY kid and I don’t care who gives me odd looks.”

Iniesta and his daughter Valeria

Thank jordi (who found this at Total Barca):

For those who don’t get the chut de bol jokes, I give you this video:

For fear I might ruin this for you before you watch it, I’ll just say I LOL’d:

Mushrooms Milk was being advertised, by the way.

I won’t be adding more pictures or embedding more videos — this post is done! Don’t worry! Your bandwidth can rest easy. 😀

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Just your neighbourhood Barca fanatic

223 Comments

  1. May 7, 2011

    Did anyone else throw their name in the hat for CL Finals tickets?

    • May 7, 2011

      I’m thinking about it…but I probably won’t because from a calculation I did it will cost me at least 1000 and if you add my husband (also a soci) to that, its gonna cost 1800-2000 for both so it is a considerable amount, especially if you add my country’s (Greece) economical situation in the mix…arghhhh

      But I soooo want to, because -especially if we win- these are once in a lifetime experiences…!!

      *undecided*

  2. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    BS.com reporting that Nuri Sahin transfer to RM will be announced on Monday. Because they really need another midfielder.

    • Ryan
      May 7, 2011

      10 million seems too low for an important player on a league-winning team.

    • Jnice
      May 7, 2011

      He has a ‘secret’ buyout clause. I thought it was around 12 million euros.

    • Eklavya
      May 7, 2011

      This sucks.

    • Xingxian
      May 7, 2011

      As my father is Turkish, I’m happy to see someone playing for the Turkish national team joining a prestigious team like Real Madrid. I always have (maybe always will? I’m new to FCB and you never know) felt more passion for national teams (even those other than my own) than for professional teams.

      That being said holy crap, Sahin’s good and as Bassam said can give Alonso a new outlet. On the club level, I’m unhappy to see this 🙁

  3. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Also from BS.com, Mourinho’s greatest hits:

    Mourinho sensed that Argentine Lucas Castroman was ready to take a quick throw-in for the Italians. With his defence out of position, he rushed from his technical area to thwart Castroman’s attempt to restart the match by tugging on the sleeve of his jersey.

    Wow. I didn’t know about this one. How is this ridiculous man still allowed to be a coach?

    http://www.goal.com/en/news/1717/editorial/2011/05/07/2474573/not-the-first-time-mourinhos-been-banned-here-are-joses-most

  4. May 7, 2011

    Thanks for the info Blitzen!Based on that I searched and found a video that has this incident

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99n6WhiyZ34

    Its just after the minute 7, when a guy asks him how far is he willing to go in order to secure a victory…the guy will stop at NOTHING in order to win..shameless

  5. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Barcelona B line-up (vs Albacete): Oier – Ilie OriolRomeu Ilie Planas – VictorVazquez DosSantos SergiRoberto – Saul Soriano Nolito

    Hercules Racing & Valencia R Sociedad are on at the same time as the B-team as well.

    Poor Man City. Manchurians just left the door open for Tottenham, who also plays right now, to take a Champions League spot ahead of them.

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      But I really want Blackpool to win so they can stay up.

    • Jnice
      May 7, 2011

      Romeu playing center back. Nice to see him back.

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      Pretty crappy video. *sigh*

      Also keeping one eye on Valencia/Real Sociedad.

  6. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    We are pressing really hard. Has the ball even been in Barca’s half yet?

  7. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Can”t Hold His Drinks Gio Dos Santos scored a very pretty headed goal from a cross just now. If this result holds, it could sink Hercules’ chance at playing topflight football for another year. Thank goodness.

    BarcaB link:
    http://www.rojadirecta.es/goto/deportemixtv.tk/

  8. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Love JDS’s work rate. He looks good at DM.

    • Miguel
      May 7, 2011

      Agreed. I like him playing DM if only because I think this should be beneficial in helping him be a more well rounded player. I often thought last year that he never dropped deep enough to try and dictate a game.

      Come on Nolito.

  9. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Valencia scores again to go up 2-0. Unai may get to keep his job after all.

  10. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Kiko scores to tie it up for Hercules. Gio dos Santos scores a second goal, a beautiful chip over the keeper, two seconds later. Nuts.

  11. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    A deflection in the box gives Hercules the tying goal again!

  12. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Really disappointed Barca B hasn’t scored yet. They need to win this to stay in the top five. The first 20 minutes they were playing Albacete off the park, but now they have their game face on.

    Don’t let Lucho down, boys!

    And apparently Iniesta is in the stadium watching the game.

  13. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Valencia absolutely steamrolling Real Sociedad. 3-0 now.

  14. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    You know, I really like Pochettino. He is never less than respectful, and I think he and Guardiola actually have a good relationship.

  15. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Racing must have scored in the beginning of the 2nd half because the game restarted at the 46th minute with the scoreline at 3-2. Weird.

  16. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    WWWhhaaat? Penalty? Romeu was it, that gave it away? Argh.

  17. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Kind of harsh on Romeu. Ball hit his foot and bounced up to his hand. But they shouldn’t have lost the ball in that area. 0-1 Albacete.

  18. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Golgolgolgolgolgolgolgolgolgolgol!

  19. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    They’re stepping it up now. Get another one!

  20. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Valdez sent off for Hercules for allegedly elbowing somebody in the back of the neck. Ha ha.

    • Miguel
      May 7, 2011

      Nnnniiiiice!

  21. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Barça B banging on the door now. A 2nd should come soon.

  22. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    We should have this game sewn up by now. *fret* We are far superior.

  23. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    JdS looking silkys. That pass deserved better.

  24. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Penal and a red card!

  25. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    GOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLL SORIANO!!!!!!!

    Too bad we are losing him. 🙁

    • Miguel
      May 7, 2011

      To whom? I can’t find anything about his switching clubs.

      How’d Edu Oriol just miss that??

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      Well he has been linked with multiple EPL teams, including Fulham, Wigan and West Ham. EMD reported today that Real Sociedad is interested.

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      I mean, he is 25. If he’s not going to be promoted, and he’s not, he can’t stay on the B team forever.

    • Noslehcimretep
      May 7, 2011

      West Ham aren’t going to be EPL for long though…

  26. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Nice comeback from the boys.

  27. Dani_el
    May 7, 2011

    What a play from Soriano I think! I should’ve been goal!

  28. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Wish I had a stream for the Juvenil A Clasico. Really want to see Espinosa & Deulofeu. Fudge.

  29. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Charlie Adam may have just broken Gareth Bale’s leg. More to come.

    • Xingxian
      May 7, 2011

      What.

    • Miguel
      May 7, 2011

      His ankle most likely. It really didn’t look that bad. I think he just rolled it. He did look in a lot of pain, though. 🙁

  30. K_legit
    May 7, 2011

    barcastuff
    Barcelona right back defender Dani Alves is close to signing a sponsor deal with battery brand Duracell. [md]

    hahahahahahahahaha that is so FITTING its unreal!

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      I always saw him more as an Energizer Bunny, though…

  31. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    Talk all the shit you want about Gomes…

    Oh wait. He concedes a penalty right after thwarting one. Fucking loser. 😀

    0-1

    • blitzen
      May 7, 2011

      😆

      Go Blackpool!

    • K_legit
      May 7, 2011

      West Ham goes down then..that makes me sad 🙁

    • K_legit
      May 7, 2011

      What a Chump!

    • K_legit
      May 7, 2011

      Defoe scores a cracker 1-1

  32. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    clubseleccion.tv/es

    Register and you can watch the Juvenil A Clasico.

    • Vj
      May 7, 2011

      What to do after registering?

  33. Jnice
    May 7, 2011

    Golazo de Rafinha! His second of the match. 2-0.

    • Miguel
      May 7, 2011

      I missed most of the first half. 🙁

    • May 7, 2011

      Goooooo Rafa! Visca Juvenil A! Kick those mini-Madridista’s arses! #wishIhadtimetowatch

    • Jnice
      May 7, 2011

      Rafa drew a penalty, but Javi Espinosa put it wide. FUDGE.

  34. K_legit
    May 7, 2011

    Barcastuff says that there is some wheelin’ dealin’ taking place Re; Alexis Sanchez

  35. jordi™
    May 7, 2011

    Rafa ripping them apart again 😀

  36. K_legit
    May 7, 2011

    Rafa’s tearing the EE kids apart

    • K_legit
      May 7, 2011

      Jnice says that Ernesto scored…is he the only guy watching this game? I am watching the Roma Milan game myself

  37. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    Silly season is gonna be sillier this time round. Looks as though its started already..

  38. mega_tajh
    May 7, 2011

    Idk much about Alexis Sanchez but is he any better that what we have in Afellay? Considering the 30Mil asking fee for him I would certainly pass and keep our baby face Ibi.

    • Jnice
      May 7, 2011

      On the wings he’s certainly better than Ibi. Goes past players for fun. Can finish as well.

    • Diego
      May 7, 2011

      Adding to Jnice.

      His dribbling style is better than Ibi, He’s like Thiago and Ronaldinho in the way they push the ball, He has a powerful shot.

    • mega_tajh
      May 7, 2011

      OOOhhh I will look for him more on youtube.

      So what you guys think if we do indeed make an offer for him…Worth it or would you pass and spend elsewhere?

    • Diego
      May 7, 2011

      A good player but he won’t come for cheap, Are we willing to spend 30m of our 50m for one player ?

      I think Rossi would be an option too, depending what Pep wants, a Wing player, a Leftie or a Rightie, etc.

    • mega_tajh
      May 7, 2011

      For some odd reason I think we have the money for both Fabregas(strongly feel he is coming this summer) and another key signing(Rossi,Alexis or similar etc). Oddly enough I also feel CB will be filled by promotions.

  39. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    Meanwhile as the tennis season continues, Pique and Shakira play some tennis of their own. Tongue tennis.

    http://imgur.com/a/JcNGb

  40. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    The Juvenil clasico ended it seems.. We won 3-1!

    • Diego
      May 7, 2011

      Who scored ? How awesome were we ? How many EE players were sent off ?

      Any reviews for Deulofeu and Rafinha ?

  41. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    My feed of the RM/Sevilla match has no commentary. 🙂

  42. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    Is Sanchez a target-man? How good is he in the air?

    • Diego
      May 7, 2011

      He’s shorter than Messi, He’s 1.68 m (5 ft 6 in).

      He’s a wing player, Originall a wing player unlike Villa and Afellay who accommodate.

    • Vj
      May 7, 2011

      Jeez I need to get glasses, I thought he was atleast 6 feet when I saw him on TV a couple of times :S

  43. Diego
    May 7, 2011

    Via Wikipedia :

    Sánchez’s style of play has been compared to Cristiano Ronaldo. With exceptional dribbling ability, sublime ball control, quick pace and pinpoint crossing, it is easy to see why. Also, like Ronaldo, Sánchez often plays as a Winger or Striker.

    You can also see videos of him to help you all understand him better.

  44. May 7, 2011

    Alexi is a player I’ve been following since he caught my attention in the world cup. And he is just amazing. That said, getting him will not answer my concerns regarding center forward (Sanchez plays on the flank).

    If we buy him instead of a Llorente like player, we should at least get Trezegeut or Valdez from Hercules. Now that they are relegating.

    • mega_tajh
      May 7, 2011

      If only the staff thought like you.

  45. mega_tajh
    May 7, 2011

    Blah Madrid scored…studying time

    • Vj
      May 7, 2011

      Sevilla have nothing to play for..

  46. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Sevilla giving out corners like they are candy.

  47. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Madrid is somehow managing to play a very good game of football without fouling everyone in sight. Amazing! 😛

  48. blitzen
    May 7, 2011

    Guardiola:

    Asked about Pinto suspension that will see him miss the final on the 28th, Guardiola just said, “He will have learnt his lesson.”

    Finally, Guardiola quashed Inter Milan’s hope of securing his services for next season when he said, “Inter Milan is a great team but I have a contract with Barca and I will be here for at least another season.”

    Como un puto jefe. 8)

  49. Humphrey Bogart
    May 7, 2011

    Wah, Sevilla are so push-overs. Same as Valencia, do they have no pride in front of their supporters, or is it just against us?

    • Vj
      May 7, 2011

      No, its just that they have nothing to play for, coupled with the fact that they don’t care..

      It was different against us, there actually was a league going on..

Comments are closed.