Como un p*to jefe.

Just a little sumthin’ sumthin’ to lighten things up.

Josep Guardiola’s Office, Friday afternoon, 18:15 BCN time

RoSELL minion Performance Officer: Buenos tardes, Pep. It’s been a stressful last couple of weeks, what with all the El Clasicos and all.

Pep Guardiola: [confused] El Clasico? What is that? A boxing match?

Performance Officer: [eyes Pep warily] …Umm, mister? Are you… okay?

Pep: Why, yes. Never felt better! In fact, just a fortnight ago, I was in Manchester…

Tito Vilanova: [turns to shocked minion Officer] Sorry. Pep’s suffering from a rare mental condition called Hyperclasicoitis.

Performance Officer: Hyperclasicoitis?

Tito: [takes out folder titled “Pep’s Many Mental Conditions” by Ramon Cugat] Yes. It is a rare condition where after many high pressure, high morbo Clasicos in quick succession, Pep’s brain can no longer handle the stress and nonsense that comes before, after, and during a Clasico. A hormone called Nomorebullshitamine, NMB for short, was triggered in his brain, causing it to lock itself.

Performance Officer: Is it.. [gulps] fatal?

Pep: …Sir Alex didn’t start his regular line-up it seems. A shame, that. It’s alright, though, I still have DVDs of….

Tito: Fatal? Oh, no. It just means his brain has rejected all nonsensical talk and refuses to process any information deemed worthless.

Performance Officer: [nods slowly] I see. Well, in that case, I’ll just ask him about Real Madrid then.

Pep: …Chicharito seems to sco— Real Madrid? …There is an imposter Madrid? 😮
I mean, I know there is an Atletico Madrid, which is kinda funny because….

Performance Officier: [pauses] No, I mean Real Madrid CF. You know, the team coached by Jose “Por que?! No entiendo por que!” Mourinho?

Pep: [gives Officer a blank look]

Performance Officer: Oh shi

Tito: —Don’t worry. He’ll recover. Eventually. The length of the condition varies per person, but he’ll be good as almost new by August.

Performance Officer: [sits back on chair and takes a deep breath] Well. I need to get a performance review on Pep, but he’s clearly mentally unstable and…

Tito: [glares] Pep is perfectly stable. It’s not like getting this condition was his fault. He didn’t ask to manage 4 Clasicos in 18 days. He didn’t ask for a paranoid sociopath as an opposing manager. He didn’t ask

Performance Officer: [holds up hands] Okay, okay! I get it! [sulks] …But what do you want me to do? He’s the boss of this team, right? I have to ask him what he does on a daily basis and he’s like—

Tito: [interrupts] That’s fine. I’m with him all the time. As his right-hand man, I’ll tell you.

Performance Officer: [brightens] Okay!

Tito: Well, the first thing he does is:

Promote Earth Saving, like a (freakin’) boss.

Oversee training, like a (freakin’) boss:

Try to join in, like a (freakin’) boss:

Settle for giving a struggling striker some pointers, like a (freakin’) boss:

Motivate the best player in the world , like a (freakin’) boss.

Tell Abidal who to kill, like a (freakin’) boss:

Look indifferent to the media, like a (freakin’) boss:

Then gain their sympathy, like a (freakin’) boss:

Smirk at his achievement, like a (freakin’) boss:

B*tch please, like a (freakin’) boss:

Rock his sunglasses while ignoring the media, like a (freakin’) boss:

Spy on rival teams with a lost expression, like a (freakin’) boss:

Take no–

Performance Officer: [interrupts] Wait a second! Hold up! You’re saying Pep does this all in one day?!

Tito: And more.

Performance Officer: Seriously?

Tito: [leans back in chair] You know it, hombre.

Performance Officer: [gapes] …Well, then I guess there’s no need for a — ahem — performance review

Pep: …Fitness in Madrid is apparently — wait, what performance review?

Performance Officer: [stands up] Nothing, mister. [gives Pep admiring look before leaving office]

Pep: What the…?

Tito: [clasps Pep on the shoulder] It’s really nothing. I just told him part of your day. What you do, como un p*to jefe.

Pep: [blinks] Well, whatever.

Tito: So… [looks over Pep’s shoulder] what have you been doing?

Pep: I’m finishing planning the last goal for the Catalan derby. You see, since it’s 4-0 at this point, I think it’s better if we sub in Bojan for Villa, have Iniesta croqueta some defenders, Xavi do a pelopina and split the defense with a through-ball, then have Messi take on the whole defense before dishing it to Alves, who passes to Busi who falls on the floor cluching his face after giving the ball to Pedro! who crosses the ball to Bojan for the tap in. Boom. A manita at home against the Pericos while also giving Bojan some confidence and match fitness. Perfect.

Tito: [pauses] …And how exactly are we going to pull that off?

Pep: [smiles] That’s the challenge and what I’m currently trying to figure out.

Tito: Ah. Well, you can continue that then.

*end scene*

—–

This is based on Like A Boss by thelonelyisland

— I love Iniesta’s swagger in this pic. It’s like he’s saying, “Yeah, this is MY kid and I don’t care who gives me odd looks.”

Iniesta and his daughter Valeria

Thank jordi (who found this at Total Barca):

For those who don’t get the chut de bol jokes, I give you this video:

For fear I might ruin this for you before you watch it, I’ll just say I LOL’d:

Mushrooms Milk was being advertised, by the way.

I won’t be adding more pictures or embedding more videos — this post is done! Don’t worry! Your bandwidth can rest easy. 😀

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223 Comments

  1. mega_tajh
    May 7, 2011

    How is it Sevilla got nothing to play for? Don’t they have to fight for a place in Europe which is still not certain or a given.

  2. Miguel
    May 7, 2011

    I blame Real’s result on the ball girls from Sevilla:

    That’s because the club’s ball boys have been removed from duties after apparently taking their own initiative through no instruction from their bosses whatsoever to lob extra balls onto the pitch a couple of weeks ago to stop any chance of a Villarreal comeback in a 3-2 win for Sevilla.
    Sevilla’s president José María Del Nido has admitted that naughtiness was afoot and has promised that such scenes won’t be repeated – by using ball girls for Saturday’s clash. “We want the change to be clear and we choose the feminine option,” revealed Del Nido.
    If the club are looking for more girls with basic athletic abilities, then LLL can recommend Fernando Gago to help out, as the midfielder is at an injured loose end these days.

    http://fourfourtwo.com/blogs/laligaloca/archive/2011/05/06/the-bad-acting-ball-girl-debuting-weekend-predictions.aspx

    😛

    • May 7, 2011

      Have pity on the poor student who procrastinated so much during El Clasico weeks that she has boat loads of work to do, with an infection to rub it in! I am not your servant — I have hopes and dreams like everyone else!

      It’s edited.

      • Miguel
        May 7, 2011

        *smooch*

      • Vj
        May 7, 2011

        Get a room.

  3. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    Now Thong Boy has gotten ahead of Messi. Hop this is the motivation needed to obliterate those parakeets..

  4. May 7, 2011

    I dont get it. How can these teams play so well against us and then be so damn pathetic vs Madrid. It is absolutely ridiculous. I dont care if they have nothing to play for. Play for pride. These are supposed to be professional football players. Disgraceful.

    Worst part is Ronaldo scored 4 goals. That puts him ahead of Messi.

    • Helge
      May 7, 2011

      A win would have taken Sevilla to a Europa League spot…

      I don’t care about Pichichi, it’s spoiled by Marca anyway. CR will win it.

      But we better win against Espanyol tomorrow, because EE won’t drop any points. Villarreal probably will also roll over against them.

      We have to away matches left, at UD Levante who have been in terrific form over the 2nd half of the season and at Malaga, who might still be battling relegation on the last playday. A win tomorrow is essential, also to reduce the maybe now upcoming optimism in Madrid.

      • Helge
        May 7, 2011

        *two

      • Jnice
        May 7, 2011

        Lol are you suggesting we somehow won’t win the league?

  5. Vj
    May 7, 2011

    I don’t really care when other teams roll over against EE when EE themselves roll over against us..

  6. Nav
    May 7, 2011

    Who cares about Ronaldo’s goal count — he can’t perform when his team needs him most.

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