El Clasico 2011, Part One Million

So you’re worried about our lineup on Wednesday, are you? You’re all “Who will we play at left back? Puyol? Muniesa? Guardiola?” Well, fear not, cule, for I am here with The Answers. And not multiple Allen Iversons.

Obviously we’ll be lining up in a 2-4-4. That’s just one big “duh.” Because we totally vary our formation all the time and now will not be any different. So that’s how we’re going to combat their 3-man midfield: with 4 men. Math is super simple, y’all. At the front we’ll start Villa, Messi, Pedro, Jeffren, which is pretty much a given since together they’re MVP and you don’t leave your most valuable anything on th bench during a clasico. Even if it’s your most valuable weather rock, you put it out there! If weather rock is bleeding, it’s Pepe outside. And also Jeffren is there too.

In the midfield we’ll go with Alves, Xavi, Busi, Iniesta as we’ll want to outnumber them and really put the screws to them. Obviously Alves is a right back, right winger, and a right forward, but if you take the average of those positions, he’s right on the center  line, making him a midfielder. Once again: math. It defeats all enemies. Except stupidity.

And so the defense. What to do? Easy peasy, folks: Puyol, Pique. Do you really need anything more than those two? We’ll outnumber them up front 8 to 7 and in the back, well, Puyol is worth half a dozen, so we’ll out number them there too, 7 to 3. It is foolproof.

And when Jeffren gets injured in the 37th minute, we can just put on Mascherano in defense and move Pique up front as another striker. We will so win like 4-0. And that is before halftime. And if somehow–somehow–they stay in the game and we need a goal, well, we can just move Mascherano up too because, again, Puyol alone would outnumber half their team. And that would guarantee another goal for us because, uh, Mascherano is some sort of scoring genius. I guess. He played in the EPL? Yeah, that’s it.