El Banquillo 3: The Empire Strikes Back

I know that this is late, but there were some technical difficulties in getting it posted. My apologies. -Isaiah

Episode 3: In Which Real Madrid convenes their yearly player meeting to discuss tactical changes, greet new personnel, and do a little math…

FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: This meeting will now come to order!
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Given the current, um, situation, I believe, gentlemen, that there is much work to be done.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Right, so, we’re going to making some tactical changes around here.
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Yes, tactical changes. That’s a good thing. I thought of some tactical changes that should be implemented.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Oh, er…what…are…they…?
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: /grimace
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: We should play a 4-5-4!
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Er…
Raul RaulMadrid: That’s a fabulous idea, sir!
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: It takes genius to see genius, I would imagine.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: I, uh, I don’t know…
Raul RaulMadrid: It’s perfect! A perfect system for a perfect team! I will be captain and we will never lose!
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: This is the kind of attitude we need here, gentlemen.
Dudek DudekWheresMyCar: I know I am but a humble backup, but, sir, if I may, sir, 4+5+4 is more than 11.
Guti GutiHazItAll: /carries the 1
Guti GutiHazItAll: /divides by 0
Guti GutiHazItAll: I think it equals 11.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Er…
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: I have spoken with the Federation and they agree that the 4-5-4 is a positive addition to the game. It will help us compete globally with the EPL.
Robben RobbenHood: That is moronic.
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Enough of your balding! I mean insolence.
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: /gets bank loan
Benzema KarimAbdulJabbar: In da house, muthafuckas.
Higuain PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt: Hey, what the hell is this?
Kaka IBelongToJesus: Florentino told me that I’d be closer to the Camino de Santiago here.
Sneijder SneijderWeisse: But farther from the Vatican! H8 u!
Crynaldo HeyLookItsCR9: Fear not, for I have arrived.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Er…hooray?
Raul RaulMadrid: I command the greatest 4-5-4 in history!
Guti GutiHazItAll: ∑ = (πr^2) ± y(√x*4-5-4)/(y2k) = 11!
Dudek DudekWheresMyCar: Mind doing my taxes this year, Guti?
Robben RobbenHood: /scores preseason goal
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Arjen, you are no longer necessary.
Robben RobbenHood: WTF?

*RobbenHood has left the chatroom
*SneijderWeisse has left the chatroom

Robben RobbenHoood: /scores 2 Munich goals.
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: So what, exactly, is going on?
Benzema KarimAbdulJabbar: /scores preseason goal
Benzema KarimAbdulJabbar: Gooooool!
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Yay! We win the preseason! Booyah!
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: We must focus on the league, it is very important–
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: We will win Europe!
Benzema KarimAbdulJabbar: Gooo-oh wait post.
Kaka IBelongToJesus: /scores goal
Kaka IBelongToJesus: Gooooool!
Valeron DonJuanCarlosDemarco: /scores goal
Valeron DonJuanCarlosDemarco: Gooooool!
Raul RaulMadrid: Hey now…you’re not supposed to be here…
Benzema KarimAbdulJabbar: Gooo-oh wait post again.

*DonJuanCarlosDemarco has left the chatroom*

Crynaldo HeyLookItsCR9: /penalty
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: /cackles
Dudek DudekWheresMyCar: Jesus Christ
Kaka IBelongToJesus: Amen
Crynaldo HeyLookItsCR9: At your service!
LassDiarra LassOfTheMohicans: /scores
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Whaaaaaat?
LassDiarra LassOfTheMohicans: /incredulous
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: THIS TEAM RULES ALL
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Er…
Higuain PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt : So…remember me?
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: /scores
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: YAAAARRRRR
Kaka IBelongToJesus: Yay, well done! Nice shot!
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: I made Espanyol walk the plank!
Kaka IBelongToJesus: Please stop.
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: Aaaarrrr you threatening me?
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Oh dear.
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: We are a perfect machine!
Higuain PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt : Are my posts getting through?
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: Soon we will be masters of the universe!
skeletor HeManSux83: MWAHAHAHAHA
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: YAAAARRRRRRR
Crynaldo HeyLookItsCR9: To Pacha!
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: No, no, we have to discuss some things…
Granero CaptainEstebanSparrow: BOOOOOTYYYYYY
Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: Please, we need–
FloPer TheGreatestFloOnEarth: /cackles

*HeyLookItsCR9 has left the chatroom*
*CaptainEstebanSparrow has left the chatroom*
*KarimAbdulJabbar has left the chatroom*
*RaulMadrid has left the chatroom*
*GutiHazItAll has left the chatroom*
*LassOfTheMohicans has left the chatroom*
*DudekeWheresMyCar has left the chatroom*
*IBelongToJesus has left the chatroom*
*TheGreatestFloOnEarth has left the chatroom*

Pellegrini SparklingSanPellegrini: /sigh

*SparklingSanPellegrini has left the chatroom*

skeletor HeManSux83: Wait, were you guys not serious about this whole masters of the universe thing?
skeletor HeManSux83: Cause I’ve got some yard work I need to do back on Eternia…
Higuain PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt : You know what, screw it, I’m in. Let’s get this He-Man bastard!
skeletor HeManSux83: No one? All right, then, poseurs.

*HeManSux83 has left the chatrooom*

Higuain PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt : God. Damn. It.

*PutThisInYourPipitaAndSmokeIt has left the chatroom*

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.


  1. woah, before i read this, i saw this come up on my newsnow.co.uk feed!! didn’t know you guys were in there

  2. Pretty good! Poor Higuain. Can’t believe he doesn’t get any attention.

    Wait..who is he again? ahhaha

    1. Yeah, couldn’t really think of a good name for him or a good personality in this particular one. I’m sure he’ll make /save in the future.

  3. “DudekWheresMyCar: Jesus Christ
    IBelongToJesus: Amen
    HeyLookItsCR9: At your service!”

    Highlight of this amazing, amazing post.

    And for those really checking, if you hold your cursor over the pictures (like in xkcd), all the players have their actual names… except Isaiah still put in CRon as “Crynaldo”… hahahahahaha.

  4. I’m really happy that my nick name for CR9 stuck. (Crynaldo)

    all i ever see him do is cry…

  5. HeyLookItsCR9: /penalty
    TheGreatestFloOnEarth: /cackles
    DudekWheresMyCar: Jesus Christ
    IBelongToJesus: Amen
    HeyLookItsCR9: At your service!

    Thats the best part hehehe
    “Robbenhood” is brilliant too.Genuis 🙂

    1. Real. I got exclusive rights to the official Liga chatrooms. Guess which team can’t string together enough words to form a coherent sentence? Xerez, of course.

    2. hahaha
      Isaiah when you come back to Barca banquillo make sure iniesta says “the futur is now” 😉

  6. evil, evil, EVIL EMPIRE!!! i think righteous joan “joan” laporta, by divine mandate king of catalunya, should make a cameo and right the wrongs!

  7. haha, this is soooo funny 😀

    For me, it’s been the best Banquillo so far. Brilliant jokes and perfectly matching names. Plus, I think I can laugh more about RM than Barca anyway 😉

    I expect another Banquillo with RM once they have been shot out of the CL knockout stage despite using their brilliant 4-5-4 line-up 😀

  8. I’m waiting for Pellegrini to be fired when he DOESN’T implement the 4-5-4. 😀

    Brilliant, Isaiah, as always!

  9. That was pretty lame. I will happily laugh at myself if it were indeed funny but it wasnt!! Forget comedy… stick to football analysis or flower picking.

Comments are closed.