Never Have Xavi Name Your Children

Scene: the central square of a small town in Spain. A well-dressed woman stands on a podium erected by a fountain, talking directly the crowd without a microphone. A tall, gangly man sits on a chair behind her, wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket. A short, well-gelled man sits next to him in a sweater vest and fancy jeans.

Eva Menor: As mayor of Badia del Vallès, I welcome you to this wonderful and momentous occasion. We are honored and thrilled to be honoring a son of the town and a success on the international stage. Everyone, please give a round of applause for Sergio Busquets! [points at the tall man, who stands]

Crowd: [Goes freakin’ bonkers. Someone blows a vuvuzela. Someone stabs the guy blowing the vuvuzela. The crowd cheers again.]

Menor: What a wonderful crowd. I hope you remember who gave you this amazing spectacle next time you’re in the voting booth.

Sergio Busquets: Joan Laporta?

Menor: What? No. He was with the Solidaritat Catalana per la Independència. I’m with the Partit dels Socialistes de Catalunya!

Busquets: Oh. Is that the same as the Catalan Socialist Solidarity Party?

Man in Crowd: Popular People’s Front of Catalunya!

Woman in Crowd: People’s Popular Front of Catalunya!

Menor: Ugh, the parties aren’t hard to keep track of at all! But let’s get on with this. We’re here to dedicate the municipal stadium of Badia del Vallès. We’re renaming it and we’re going to have another famous Catalan help us with the honors. Everyone, put your hands together for Xavi!

Crowd: [Goes intercontinental ballistic. Someone takes the vuvuzela and attaches another vuvuzela to the end of it. An old woman faints. A young woman has a baby boy. An old man faints.]

Xavi: You should name that baby Queca and then Puyol will always protect him.

Busquets: I wanted to name my child that, but his mother said no, that would just mean Puyol would come hang out all the time and shear him.

Xavi: That is a side-effect, yes.

Menor: Okay, we should probably name the stadium now.

Xavi: Right. Ladies and gentlemen, before we get started, we will watch a tribute video to our beloved Sergio. It was prepared especially by Gerard Pique.

Busquets: Wait, what? I don’t know if we should watch that…

Menor: How lovely! Let’s make it a permanent part of the stadium facade.

Busquets: …probably kids in the audience…

Xavi: Yes, let’s.

A large screen is projected onto the side of a building and everyone turns to watch:

Busquets: I don’t think that’s what the crowd was hoping for…

Crowd: [blares trumpets, high-fives, tweets]

Xavi: Pique gives the people what they want. Never forget that.

Menor: It will be perfect as the intro video to every CD Badia match.

Busquets: That, this, er, um…no?

Xavi: Perfect. I now pronounce the stadium to be Estadi Sergio Busquets i Peek-a-Boo!

Busquets: This is not okay.

Menor: Done!

[A contractor who has been waiting patiently with signs by the stadium and immediately carves Estadi Sergio Busquets i Peek-a-Boo into the side.]

Busquets: Isn’t this supposed to be an honor?

Menor: Well, you know the old Catalan saying…

Busquets: Uh…

Menor: “Never let Xavi name your children.”

Xavi: It’s true.

Busquets: That’s a terrible adage. Can we just change the name of the stadium to Estadi Sergio Busquets?

Menor and Xavi: No.

Menor: Let’s hear it one final time for our champions!

Crowd: [flares fire into the sky, a lynx is released on a group of teenagers, a young woman has a baby girl]

Busquets: Let Xavi name your baby!

Young woman: Okay!

Xavi: I shall name her after my good friend, futbolín.

Young woman: Why didn’t I listen to grandma when she told me those frightening Catalan campfire tales!? [runs away wailing]

Busquets: Wow, that is a terrible name.

Xavi: And now for international break!

Categorized as Nonsense

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.


  1. I’d totally let Xavi name my children. That would be a cool story for my kid to have with him for liiiife. Anyways, thank god for the international break. We needed it, and i hope we can get el capitan back in action for villareal. We’re going to need him. Visca Barca.

  2. a short, well gelled man in a sweater vest? ha! you’ve outdone yourself with this one. f***ing awesome!

    i’m surprised nobody mentioned sergi getting a stadium named after him, earlier.

  3. I take a couple of days break from the blog and come back to this awesomeness?

    Thanks, Isaiah. I needed that.

    1. yeah, where’d you storm off to? 😉

      It was a match that appeared to fit a similar pattern at the Camp Nou of late – Barça creating oodles of chances but missing pretty much all of them. However, swings and roundabouts and all the kings men suggest that this iffy run in front of goal will end sooner rather than later and Barça will be back with the Almería / Real Madrid-style thrashings.

      i can use italics now. 🙂

    2. Good for you. 😛

      I didn’t storm anywhere, I just needed a break. I haven’t really been feeling it lately and I didn’t want to take it out on anyone. I wanted to take a little time to enjoy being a fan of the Best Team in the World, which is having an amazing season, without picking apart every single detail of every single game.

      I’m better now. Just in time for international break! 😀

  4. Lol.
    I swear that earlier today I made a Busi Peek-a-boo reference.
    This moment lives in infamy forever…

  5. Which 22 year old is the;
    -starting DM at possibly a top 3 team ever.
    -World Cup winner
    -Champions League winner
    -has his own frickin’ stadium after his name!!!


    1. But too bad most people especially outside of Spain will remember him more for the peek-a-boo rather than all those aforementioned titles under his belt.

      Man. Im loving those . Just learned it yesterday.
      It’s gonna get abused Im telling you haha

    1. Watching the Bojan disallowed goal against Inter still makes me a combination of sad and furious… ugh…

    2. That was simply unjust…
      Sometimes I find myself smiling when Mou remembers that leg as he had won without any doubt, that game could have go easily for either team, I went nuts seeing live that call…

    3. Thank you, Daniel, for your kind words. We believe we’re also the best Cherokee-language Barça blog.

      o-si-yo a-le wa-do!

    4. The second one isn’t a penalty, Xavi pushes the ball too far. The Ballack handball is great, because Cole raises his hand, as if to say Messi handballed. haha. Yes! The Messi penalty booked for diving is in there, I always reference that. Didn’t know Webb was the ref there.

      I can think of a lot more situations but it’d be fair to do a video of situations that went in our favor too. Really just proves that ref’s are humans too.

      Btw, I still hate how we hound the ref on every decision for or against us.

    1. He spent a year in Barcelona and 5 years in Madrid. He has very kind words for Barca of back then and is full of praise for the Barca of today.

    2. Well to be honest, although he is one of my all time fav’s, he spent more time over at EE and achieved more there.
      I can’t really remember why he left so quickly but all I remember was how devastated I was. If Im not mistaken it was a simple case of Inter offering more money.
      I was just a kid in Holland back then. Imagine how happy I was to see this magical player week in week out joining my fav team in Spain. But only for 1 year.Sigh.
      The love wasn’t meant to be.

  6. Mauricio isla will be nice as a left back,or arsenalz GAEL CLICHY,hez refusing to commit to arsenal or look at bordeaux BENOIT TREMOULINAS

    1. Clichy used to be really good and has pace but recently (past year or so) he has really sucked. If he’s barely good enough for Arsenal and looking over his shoulder at Gibbs, he’s nowhere near good enough for us now. A couple seasons back he was very good though.

  7. If I were to suggest what kind of LB that would suite Barca, Firstly they have to be able to pass the ball, doesn’t matter if they can dribble or defend against Ten foot players. If we can get LBs that can run and combine well with Villa and Iniesta, then we can guarantee they will fit in well. Things like dribbling and crossing well will come over time.

    It doesn’t matter how high profile a player is, eg Coentrao, he might fail in our system.

    We should choose wisely.

    1. I think we should look for a LB that is pacey and defensively solid.

      Adriano is playing now but in our ideal system Abidal is a very defensively solid left-back who also has plenty of speed and can get forward just well enough to provide width in build-up. No need to have skills and dribbling a la Alves/Adriano in our ideal system on the left as well, but that width is very important to our play. Maxwell doesn’t get forward much or have a lot of pace, Adriano isn’t as solid defensively but a good dribbler, our ideal fit is someone defensive enough to keep our backline stable but gets forward enough for us to be able to use the whole width of the pitch.

      How Abidal arrives into the attack way out on the left and Iniesta or the like can pass to him to open up the pitch with Villa staying closer to goal was important in our offensive play earlier in the season, and his solidity, pace and strength were vital at the back. Coentrao is fantastic getting forward but is he also very solid defensively? I hear he is a good defender and he looked solid in the World Cup, but I won’t know cos I hardly ever see him play. If he is defensively very solid, along with his pace and skill I’d be happy. But mostly though one side of the defense needs to be locked down when Alves attacks up the other side and vice versa, without sacrificing the offensive thrust a left-back far up the pitch way out on the left can provide in build-up, Abidal does both very well.

    2. See, I’ll be honest I havent seen Coentrao in club football game, I saw him in the world cup, but not enough to get a full idea of his skills and limits.

      But he did look good going forward and was very effective for portugal. But then again, thats for portugal, Im not much of a tactical wiz but playing LB for Barcelona, I assume the job set for a LB would be different. less dribbling and more horizontal passing then down the line play.

      Also, for Argentina, Heinze performed well in the WC, but that doesn’t mean he was good for RM.

      I don’t want to add fuel to the fire but, can the same argument fall for Eto’o at Inter?, being able to play as a winger more effectively.

  8. I wonder how so many of you guys can monitor so many different players from different teams and different leagues. I wish I had so much time 🙁

    The only time I can rate any other player is when they play against us which 99.9% the player that Im eying on will have a bad match.
    It’s kinda tough to rate a player only when he plays against us.

    One player who always disappoints me is Mata. He doesn’t do anything significant when we play Valencia. But then again, it would be harsh of me to rate him lowly as he is playing against the best team in the world. I’m sure he is good but just can’t do much against us.

    Man..I wish there were 40 hours in a day.

    1. Mata has been great for both Valencia and the NT this season. Don’t rate him poorly just because he wasn’t effective against Barcelona.

    2. Haha I try to know a lot about players, but like you said its really, really hard. JNice does nothing but watch footy.

      He has football blankets too. And sleeps in a football bed.

      To be honest, regarding youngsters, I mostly hear about them first from Football Manager then I look into them. or I hear transfer rumors about them and look up info/vids/etc.

  9. A new meaning has been added to the word ARSENAL,it now meanz :SOMETHING OR SOMEONE YOU CANT RELY UPON OR TRUSTED WHEN ITS EXPECTED TO DELIVER e.g, my phone is an arsenal,itz nt reliable, i have been arsenalized by my trusted girlfriend…synonyms…UNRELIABLE,UNDEPENDABLE,UNTRUSTWORTHY


    Can we start a transfer rumors thread over the break?!
    Anyways regarding LB;
    outerspacedout is totally right, btw Coentrao is a monster in the Portugese league, those players translate very well too. He got eaten up early in the season in the 5-0 loss to Porto but it mostly wasn’t his fault.

    For one on our transfers in, for the sake of the league, I hope we don’t buy anyone from other Spanish teams. That means Nilmar, or Rossi. It would really cheapen things for me.

    At LB thats a tough position to fill in world football. Coentrao stands out as a huge prospect and others like Bale have moved to LW more, or Juan Manuel Vargas. I really can’t think of other LBs that are good enough..

    What sucks most is we don’t have depth there in the youth squad. Atleast at RB we have decent choices in Montoya and (god his name eludes me at the moment)
    At LB we have Dalmau? And I guess Muniesa, but he’s more in the Maxwell mold.

    We could play a right footed LB like Bartra, and have him cut in on the wing as well that’d be an interesting addition to our tactics..

    1. We could play a right footed LB like Bartra, and have him cut in on the wing as well that’d be an interesting addition to our tactics

      If I’m not mistaken, Sergi Barjuan(sp?) was a right footed LB as well.
      I used to liek his over lapping runs. And he’s a coach of one of the youth teams now. Maybe not anymore. But I used to see him quite a number of times on BarcaTV two years ago.

      Is Benfica still in Europa League? Would love to catch their matches to take a closer look at Coentrao. Have been hearing his name for two years but still have never watched him play.
      I thought he was an overhyped Brazilian 😆
      But since you guys rate him so highly, I guess he must be really a gem.

    2. I rate Coentrao astronomically. He even used to be my avatar. I don’t think they’re in the europa anymore but the Liga Sagres is fun to watch. He’s Portugese 😀

      Someone, I think Kari, remembers the bad things about him. He’s a bit of a whiner and goes down to tackles I’ve only seen Alves go down to.

    3. Yeah everybody talks about Coentrao, but like Barca96 I have never seen him play either.

      I feel it is very important for the LB to be left footed. The need for him to keep the pitch wide thunderingly overrules the advantage of cutting to the inside and shooting with the right.

    4. What about a two footed player in Lahm, or one of the da silva twins? I believe Diego Renan might be two footed, but he’s too unproven at this time.


    FC Barceona have reached an agreement with Dani Alves to extend his contract with the club until the 30th of June, 2015 #fcblive

  12. People who are asking about Coentrao, 2 Quick notes :

    1- The 5-0 thrashing received by Porto wasn’t his fault, He was playing as a SMF with David Luiz playing as a LB.

    2- Benfica still in the Europa League and you can see against PSV on 7th of April.

  13. @blaunero – Sorry for the late reply, but I couldn’t resist.

    My recollection might be a bit hazy, but after the summer of ’08 and during ’08/’09 nobody was silly enough to question Eto’o.

    Except Pep perhaps, who said that he didn’t count on him and the likes of Deco, Ronnie etc. And in the ‘business’ end of the season, his form went to the shitters.. Aside form that goal in the CL final, he was missing goals left, right and center. Some might say that we were lucky he set his record straight in the final. And no, he wasn’t perfect for us, not according to Pep..

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