Scene: the central square of a small town in Spain. A well-dressed woman stands on a podium erected by a fountain, talking directly the crowd without a microphone. A tall, gangly man sits on a chair behind her, wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket. A short, well-gelled man sits next to him in a sweater vest and fancy jeans.
Eva Menor: As mayor of Badia del Vallès, I welcome you to this wonderful and momentous occasion. We are honored and thrilled to be honoring a son of the town and a success on the international stage. Everyone, please give a round of applause for Sergio Busquets! [points at the tall man, who stands]
Crowd: [Goes freakin’ bonkers. Someone blows a vuvuzela. Someone stabs the guy blowing the vuvuzela. The crowd cheers again.]
Menor: What a wonderful crowd. I hope you remember who gave you this amazing spectacle next time you’re in the voting booth.
Sergio Busquets: Joan Laporta?
Menor: What? No. He was with the Solidaritat Catalana per la Independència. I’m with the Partit dels Socialistes de Catalunya!
Busquets: Oh. Is that the same as the Catalan Socialist Solidarity Party?
Man in Crowd: Popular People’s Front of Catalunya!
Woman in Crowd: People’s Popular Front of Catalunya!
Menor: Ugh, the parties aren’t hard to keep track of at all! But let’s get on with this. We’re here to dedicate the municipal stadium of Badia del Vallès. We’re renaming it and we’re going to have another famous Catalan help us with the honors. Everyone, put your hands together for Xavi!
Crowd: [Goes intercontinental ballistic. Someone takes the vuvuzela and attaches another vuvuzela to the end of it. An old woman faints. A young woman has a baby boy. An old man faints.]
Xavi: You should name that baby Queca and then Puyol will always protect him.
Busquets: I wanted to name my child that, but his mother said no, that would just mean Puyol would come hang out all the time and shear him.
Xavi: That is a side-effect, yes.
Menor: Okay, we should probably name the stadium now.
Xavi: Right. Ladies and gentlemen, before we get started, we will watch a tribute video to our beloved Sergio. It was prepared especially by Gerard Pique.
Busquets: Wait, what? I don’t know if we should watch that…
Menor: How lovely! Let’s make it a permanent part of the stadium facade.
Busquets: …probably kids in the audience…
Xavi: Yes, let’s.
A large screen is projected onto the side of a building and everyone turns to watch:
Busquets: I don’t think that’s what the crowd was hoping for…
Crowd: [blares trumpets, high-fives, tweets]
Xavi: Pique gives the people what they want. Never forget that.
Menor: It will be perfect as the intro video to every CD Badia match.
Busquets: That, this, er, um…no?
Xavi: Perfect. I now pronounce the stadium to be Estadi Sergio Busquets i Peek-a-Boo!
Busquets: This is not okay.
[A contractor who has been waiting patiently with signs by the stadium and immediately carves Estadi Sergio Busquets i Peek-a-Boo into the side.]
Busquets: Isn’t this supposed to be an honor?
Menor: Well, you know the old Catalan saying…
Menor: “Never let Xavi name your children.”
Xavi: It’s true.
Busquets: That’s a terrible adage. Can we just change the name of the stadium to Estadi Sergio Busquets?
Menor and Xavi: No.
Menor: Let’s hear it one final time for our champions!
Crowd: [flares fire into the sky, a lynx is released on a group of teenagers, a young woman has a baby girl]
Busquets: Let Xavi name your baby!
Young woman: Okay!
Xavi: I shall name her after my good friend, futbolín.
Young woman: Why didn’t I listen to grandma when she told me those frightening Catalan campfire tales!? [runs away wailing]
Busquets: Wow, that is a terrible name.
Xavi: And now for international break!