“During last night’s broadcast of ‘The Game of Twelve’, the Cope Channel reported Real Madrid CF’s intention to request stricter controls regarding […] anti-doping measures from the Royal Spanish Soccer Federation. In the context of the report, as well as in the program, both Valencia CF and FC Barcelona were mentioned. Our sports division considered the fact that Real Madrid sought to request stricter anti-doping controls to be extremely relevant and wanted our listeners to be the first to hear of this news. We never intended to collaborate in nor cast suspicion upon any Spanish football club.” — Translated from Marca 03/14/2011*
Barcelona left back Dani Alves, who is currently in contract negotiations with his club, sports an earring in each auricular lobe. We would not suggest that Mr Alves obtained said sparklies through a ‘Diamonite’ special on a cable-television home shopping network. We reject any implication that Mr Alves is a cheapskate, and remain satisfied that the studs are likely multi-carat diamonds which Mr Alves purchased from a tax-evading jeweler by means of his already-exorbitant salary. We regret the misunderstanding.
Barcelona fans know that superstar Lionel Messi points upwards upon scoring a goal. It behooves us to state that Mr Messi’s celebration honors his deceased grandmother, whom he loved as we all love our dear grammies. We dismiss any suggestion that Mr Messi is an agent of darkness whose pointy-finger gestures mimic a pair of devilish horns in a wordless threat in the direction of the Heavenly Host. We would never imply that Mr Messi is a member of the unfaithful, nor do we believe that he has exchanged his immortal soul for a pair of supersonic cleats. That would be most irresponsible.
Recently second-string keeper José Manuel Pinto replaced Barcelona starter Víctor Valdés. Mr Pinto was probably nowhere near Mr Valdés at the time of the latter’s misfortune. Surely Mr Pinto would not consider some sort of ‘Tonya Harding’ on his ‘Nancy Kerrigan’. Spanish soccer players probably don’t even know about Ms Harding’s paid-thug attack on her figure-skating rival in order to improve her chances at Olympic gold. Why would (Champions, cough) Mr Pinto (La Liga, cough) ever even consider such a thing? (Ahem.)
(Likewise, Mr Pinto’s abandonment of cornrows in favor of his more-familiar ponytail is likely an entirely personal decision, independent of the widely-circulated rumor that a certain Colombian pop star confided to a certain Barcelona defender that her totally hot and available best friend thought a man with a ponytail was confident in his masculinity, but a man with cornrows spent too much time on his personal appearance. Nope. Didn’t hear it here.)
Barcelona fans everywhere winced when they read that coach Josep Guardiola i Sala retired from a recent training session due to a herniated disk. Guardiola, who is 40 years old, is obviously advanced in age, and this sort of medical issue is common among senior citizens. Why, similar injury can occur while lifting serious plates to attain a ‘full and shredded’ look or simply moving a college buddy’s skeezy sofa into his girlfriend’s apartment. We would never, ever, in a gazillion years, hope, wish or desire to hint, suggest or imply that Mr Guardiola incurred injury while dancing the ‘Limbo’ in the Camp Nou lockerroom following the extension of Barcelona’s La Liga lead to as many as 10 points. No. We would never, ever say that.
Por favor, disculpe las molestias.