Ask Geri: A Valentine’s Day Special 3 Days Early



Dear Geri,

It’s Valentine’s Day in a couple of days and the love of my life still isn’t talking to me. We had a fight a week ago and I can’t seem to get her to meet me so we can talk things out. Your love life seems to be up and running and they call you the Catalan Hitch. Well, I need some advice! Please answer back!!!

From,

— Don’t Know What to Do and Desperate For Help

Dear Desperate For Help,

Thanks for sending your message! My first piece of advice: shorten the pen-name. Now, I’m going to tell you what to do. Do exactly what I say and don’t forget it for a second. It’s imperative you listen to me and listen well.  Don’t ask questions either.

Now, the first thing you do is  give her a call…

Valentine’s Day

Man: [on the phone] Baby, I know you’re mad at me, but I’m outside your door—

Woman: Excuse me?!

Man: You’re excused…And I just have one thing to say to you. Just one thing. Please hear me out.

Woman: Fine. I’m opening the door.

Man: Baby…

Woman:  *slams door shut*

The next day…

Dear Geri,

That didn’t help at all!! In fact, I think it made things worse!! This woman means everything to me! I can’t lose her! Please help me out!!

From,

In Despair

Dear In Despair,

Did you just say “moc, moc”, or did you say “ooohhhhh” before it? If it was the former and not the latter… What the hell, man?! What the hell?! I specifically and emphatically told you to say the “oooooooohhh” before the moc ,moc! You can’t just say one without the other; they come in a pair like Xavi and Iniesta! God, if you can’t follow simple instructions, I see no point in helping you. That woman will probably never talk you again anyway.

Have a nice life,

Geri

A couple of days later…

Puyol: Oye, mano! You got pretty offended there. What happened? Ooooooooh, moc, moc!

Pique:  He didn’t do it right! It’s all about the execution! Moc, moc isn’t right without the “oooooh”. You can’t just say “I’m missing you”. You’ve got to make it more dramatic, with more longing. Like, “ooooohhhh, I’m missing you”. See? It even feels different!

Puyol: Well, there’s always next year!

Pique: What do you mean “next year”? I’m gonna take a leaf out of Walter Pandiani’s book and become a life coach! I could totally do it! Oooooooh, moc, moc!

By Kari

Just your neighbourhood Barca fanatic

77 comments

  1. LOL funny post but I was expecting there to be day 2, day 3, etc.

    Are there supposed to be sequels?

    1. Why? Would you like there to be? 🙂

      I don’t have anything planned at the moment. Maaaaaaybe if I get some kind of inspiration there may be an on-going series, but don’t hold your breath.

      I had thought of making it longer, but then decided against it; short and sweet is better.

    2. I had to do it. I tried to resist the temptation to write respond immediately after seeing Eklavya’s response, but my willpower just wasn’t strong enough to last forever.

  2. Kinda off topic, but I just found out that you can subscribe to barca’s match schedules via google calendar, both in la liga or in the Champion’s league. It’ll list the schedules and convert the time to your local time.

    Kinda neat!

    1. Just go to google calendar and login with your google account. On the left tootlebar, under ‘other calendar’, click ‘add’, then ‘browse interesting calendars’. select sports, then football.

      I just synced the calendar to my phone and added notifications. Now, I can’t miss any games!

      😀

    2. The Google Calendar is awesome! I’ve had it in there for a year or two. They even carry match schedules and results from less popular leagues.

      The Winter Baseball Leagues for one 😛

  3. off topic

    Guardiola on how long he will remain head coach at Barça (taken from http://www.fcbarcelona.com)

    “When you have been here for four years [which is how long he will have been in the post in June 2012], then you are nearer to the end than the start.”

  4. Barcastuff posted a group picture of villa from his days at sporting but i couldnt pick him out.
    Kari nice imaginative post. I guess soccermom has rubbed some of her genius off you

  5. Does this mean that on valentine’s Day we have to end every post with Oooooooh moc moc? I’m threatening to go back to that Sakira avatar…..

    1. Did you just Ibra me? Didja? Do you want a repeat of gravatar wars? I could find a nuch better Shakira if you insist…

  6. Everyone should post their Twitter or Tumblr or something. I’d post mine but a lot of my posts aren’t football related at all. Regardless, whats up everyone its Friday!

    1. I haven’t the foggiest idea how to tweet. I think I’m too old to tweet. Thank Goodness It’s Friday!!!!

    2. Your tweets go like this:

      F***! ROSE IS THE BEST PLAYER IN NBA HISTORY!

      I LOVE ALISON BRIE SHE’S SEXY

      I ATE A BURITO AT WORK TODAY

      I LOVE FABIO COENTRAO

      I HATE YOU JNICE

  7. Programming note for US–2:00 PM EST-Sporting Gijón vs. Barcelona on ESPN3 (Dang, no Ray Hudson)

    1. Statutory Notice: Anyone with a Hleb gravatar is flipping the bird at you.. Just so all the n00bs and lurkers know..

    2. Blitzen had a Puyi avatar literally flipping the bird at everyone ( oops, sorry, just at me).

  8. Hey! I demand a repeat of the gravatar war that happened last thread.. I’d ask Jnice but I don’t think fbtz would store highlights.. So I want a recap of who used what pic against whom!!

    1. You snooze, you lose, VJ! Obviously you should be monitoring this site 24-7 if you want to catch all the highlights! 😀

    2. Considering that people have already woken up from sleep and I haven’t gone to bed yet, you’re on! Now for some fireworks – let the war begi*snore* *snore*

    3. You thought I didn’t notice when you Hlebbed me in the last thread, but I did. I did.

      For now I’m biding my time. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

  9. Anyone else nervous about this match in the Molinón? Sporting’s fans always produce a great atmosphere plus they are fighting for their lives in the league. Also, we are coming off an international break and we only beat them 1-0 at home (albeit without Messi).

    Maybe it’s my natural tendency to be nervous before every match, but I really feel like this will be a touch one.

    I’m also interested to see whether Pep will have an eye towards the Arsenal match and rest a few players or whether he’ll put out a full strength side.

    BTW… Kari, just yesterday you told me you would be my valentine, but all of a sudden you’re vicsoc’s valentine? I’m hurt and ashamed. 🙁

    http://thevinylvillage.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/broken-heart.jpg

    1. I’m right with you. I see a confluence of factors in this match that could result in dropped points…

    2. i’m think two full strength sides…may may maybe milito against sporting & a tag team of masch & busi vs arsenal, but otherwise no pussyfooting. definitely busi in the backline for the arsenal match, though.

    3. about Sporting—As much as I hate to say it I want to go full strength, witness the power of this fully operational Death Star, mother-of -all lineups on them. Best available 11. I thought maybe Gaby in the back but I’m getting more nervous ( and darn it, I should have more faith in Milito). Mascherano resting Busi shouldn’t be a problem for this game but we really need Busi in there at DM for Arsenal. I think we need to go Alves, Pique, Abidal, Maxwell for Arsenal and that makes me nervous because of Walcott’s speed. Arsenal have their own problems at the back right now and we should have a field day in their third but they could get on the scoreboard as well (and I like my clean sheets).

    4. About Kari and velentines, her heart belongs to CT….or was that Leo……or was that Ibi?

    1. changing his avatar.

      it’s funny(well not really) that all those protests were about food prices-well, amongst other things. egypt’s currency took a plummit after all the demonstrations, so much that it’s central bank had to buy a bunch of egyptian pounds. a falling currency only drives up the price of food. :o/

  10. Milito has to get some time here, because since Puyol has been ruled out, I’m envisioning a back line v Arsenal of Alves/Pique/Milito/Abidal, who has to be on the wing to control him some Walcott.

    On another note, I just re-watched the second half of the home Copa semi-final leg against Almeria, and remain even more convinced about not wanting or needed Fabregas anytime soon. What a display that dude put on, and it boggles my tiny little brain to imagine that he is only going to improve.

    I just hope we don’t do anything stupid, like using him as a makeweight in some deal or something.

  11. With regards to suggestions that Milito or Busi will play in the backline against Arsenal, I say no way. No way as in Pep sees Abidal as his 3rd center back, which means if either Puyol or Pique is out, Abi steps in. I think we will see Alves/Pique/Abidal/Maxwell against Arsenal for sure. Abidal will be on Maxwell’s side, and I’m sure he’ll be under orders to stay a little deeper and cover for Maxwell in case he gets burned. He’s good at that, anyway.

    1. I think you’re right. I just can’t help imagining Maxwell being nicknamed Toast after the match. Possession is going to be crucial.

    2. Possession is crucial which is why we need Busi as a DM. He needs to cancel out Cesc much the same as he did Ozil in the clasico and Sneidjer in the WC.

  12. OMG!!! I just did a test run of the manita and it worked perfectly the first time! I am holding a beautifully layered blaugrana drink in my hand right now. Not sending a pic yet because I don’t have the garnish, but I promise it will be perfected by tomorrow.

    I rock. 😀

  13. ‘I have been negotiating with @Carles5puyol to be incorporated into my computer but the supply of #eldeloscuadros is much better for it! Moc moc!’ from 3gerardpique

    Negotiating with Puyol to be incorporated into Pique’s computer?

    1. if that’s a translation it might be “team” or “side” instead of “computer”. Translation engines often get those confused.

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