It’s Valentine’s Day in a couple of days and the love of my life still isn’t talking to me. We had a fight a week ago and I can’t seem to get her to meet me so we can talk things out. Your love life seems to be up and running and they call you the Catalan Hitch. Well, I need some advice! Please answer back!!!
— Don’t Know What to Do and Desperate For Help
Dear Desperate For Help,
Thanks for sending your message! My first piece of advice: shorten the pen-name. Now, I’m going to tell you what to do. Do exactly what I say and don’t forget it for a second. It’s imperative you listen to me and listen well. Don’t ask questions either.
Now, the first thing you do is give her a call…
Man: [on the phone] Baby, I know you’re mad at me, but I’m outside your door—
Woman: Excuse me?!
Man: You’re excused…And I just have one thing to say to you. Just one thing. Please hear me out.
Woman: Fine. I’m opening the door.
Woman: *slams door shut*
The next day…
That didn’t help at all!! In fact, I think it made things worse!! This woman means everything to me! I can’t lose her! Please help me out!!
Dear In Despair,
Did you just say “moc, moc”, or did you say “ooohhhhh” before it? If it was the former and not the latter… What the hell, man?! What the hell?! I specifically and emphatically told you to say the “oooooooohhh” before the moc ,moc! You can’t just say one without the other; they come in a pair like Xavi and Iniesta! God, if you can’t follow simple instructions, I see no point in helping you. That woman will probably never talk you again anyway.
Have a nice life,
A couple of days later…
Puyol: Oye, mano! You got pretty offended there. What happened? Ooooooooh, moc, moc!
Pique: He didn’t do it right! It’s all about the execution! Moc, moc isn’t right without the “oooooh”. You can’t just say “I’m missing you”. You’ve got to make it more dramatic, with more longing. Like, “ooooohhhh, I’m missing you”. See? It even feels different!
Puyol: Well, there’s always next year!
Pique: What do you mean “next year”? I’m gonna take a leaf out of Walter Pandiani’s book and become a life coach! I could totally do it! Oooooooh, moc, moc!