Confidential English FC Barcelona Pricing Guide Released

Because we know how loyal you, our awesome readers are, we sent Isaiah out to do some top secret undercover spy work in and around London. After many days without communication, and having to sleep with countless bucktoothed English winches (and lords, mind you), his search has borne fruit. We have been given the official English Media Pricing Guide for FC Barcelona first team players. The quotes provided are from English managers and press members themselves. So without further adieu, we present it to you, in all its glory.

1. Victor Valdes – $4M
“He screws up all the time and always makes gaffes. Besides, it’s a lot harder to be a keeper in England where there are less shots, uglier games, less speed, and less passing. He’s no Almunia.”

2. Dani Alves – $13 and an order of fish and chips at the pub
“A right back moving up and passing well? Who does he think he is, Bizarro Ashley Cole? He wishes. Needs to stay in the back where he belongs.”

3. Gerard Pique – $45M
“Would be more if his surname were Vidic. A man’s man.”

4. Cesc Fabregas – All the tea in China
“His Barça DNA sent him home. But since he was an EPL player, he is obviously the best midfielder they have now.”

5. Carles Puyol – $10M
“His mane is far too uncouth.”

6. Xavi – $5M
“Pssh, he’s not Steven Gerrard.”

7. David Villa – $25M
“Good player, but not worth nearly as much as Andy Carroll.”

8. Andres Iniesta – $75M
“What can we say, everyone likes this kid.”

9. Bojan – $51M
“A skinnier Wayne Rooney.”

10. Lionel Messi – $25M
“Sure he scores against Villareal, but could he play against Bolton in February? I highly doubt. Also, women suck.” – Andy Gray
“He’s no Joe Cole.”

14. Javier Mascherano – $2M
“Wishes he were as good that old stand-in Xabi Alonso.”

16. Busquets – $4M
“He’s no Ramires, that’s for sure.”

17. Pedro – $0

20. Ibi Afellay – $35M
“He’s got the look of a young, tan David Beckham. Sign him up!”

22. Eric Abidal – $100
“He’s French, so what does he know about defense, plus, he’s no Ashley Cole.”

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  1. soccermomof4
    January 31, 2011

    Awesome, Luke! And I needed a laugh because I just saw a picture of Nando on Soccernet holding a blue jersey. Some things are just plain wrong!

    17. Pedro – $0
    our secret weapons: P!!, Busi, and King Eric. Keep it secret, keep it safe!

    • outerspacedout
      January 31, 2011

      Yeah, I don’t even like Liverpool (though I like Chelsea far less) but that just feels wrong. Not to mention his little- or not so little- dig at Liverpool saying ‘every top player wants to play for a top club, and now I can’ or something. To quote Arsenal fans, ‘classless’, considering how Liverpool fans treated him like a legend up to now even when he was awful.

      • blitzen
        January 31, 2011

        Now be fair, Torres was never “awful”. Just injured, or recovering from injury, or about to be injured… 😀

        (Actually I like Torres and wish him luck, but I still hate Chelsea SO much.)

        • soccermomof4
          January 31, 2011

          Y’all know my second team (distant second) is Arsenal, but Liverpool fans introduced us to this obsession so I have a little soft spot in my heart for Liverpool because of it. They also advised us to watch Barca because they had this amazing kid named Messi. Ofcourse as an Arsenal fan, anything that makes Chelsea potentially stronger is frowned upon by me.

        • outerspacedout
          January 31, 2011

          I liked Torres too. As in I was a huge fan. Rate him as the best player in the EPL when fit and on form, and a lethal centre-forward with an elegant but ruthless style of play. He also seemed to be genuinely into Liverpool before.

          I’m disappointed really.

          • Luke
            January 31, 2011

            Torres getting out of ‘Pool is awesome for him. He can return to past form with better teammates and more stability with Chelsea. He’s still got talent to spare.

  2. Cesc Pistol
    January 31, 2011

    Posting from last thread as there are tons of aspects not yet discussed:

    1) How many people actually attend the game? The season ticket holders I guess go for no more than 30% of the matches. How can these be better turned around? Better attendances for away matches? Does the club try to work on that?

    2) As someone suggested: BarcaTV. How many of us watch it? The quality of shows is poor, they are poorly translated and are shown at awkward timings. Broadcast it with the Liga rights and online. How much revenue can be generated from this? Let alone the quality of fan experience that can be enhanced.

    3) Foreign membership was closed due to Xenophobic ideas while we get Qatar and a foreign language on our shirts. Does membership not raise fan engagement? Does it not generate revenue? And how many foreigners even come to vote?

    4) Now that a league TV deal seems on the cards, why not try to push for better scheduling of matches, say atleast a month beforehand? Why not try to have match timings that suit both Spainish(less matches at midnight) and Asian viewers better (into absurd hours in the morning)?

    5) A saner, more conservative buying policy seems to be on the cards so atleast thats good but what about selling better?

    6) I won’t even begin to talk about targeting both player and staff wages. Quality comes at a price. Full stop. The board members and staff deal with as much pressure as a Fortune 500 company. All that is needed is transparency on the issue.

    We should stop thinking in the way most newbie finance guys think ie quarterly results and focus on the long term perspective. We should think of making the club more successful and efficient rather than temporary cost cutting measures.

    (PS I would suggest taking a look at how many of the German clubs are run for a better perspective on how additional revenues might be gained rather than just increasing ticket sales)

    (One final point: I really dislike how that pic of Laporta celebrating is shown, it seems to me as if it implies something malicious. Laporta had his faults but leaving aside the sporting success he brought a great deal of financial and brand success to Barca as well)

    • Soto
      January 31, 2011

      I was treating the last post as still alive and well, so I have some comments about attendance in response to your comments over there.

      I like the list of issues that you have here. Especially #5. We need to sell better. Tom Johnson pointed out some good issues with players that are just sitting on the books in loan deals. It’s time to move those guys on at the maximum value that we can extract for them.

  3. blitzen
    January 31, 2011

    Lionel Messi is no Joe Cole! Imma get some t-shirts made with this on it, who wants one? 😀

    Thanks for this, Luke, I needed a laugh today.

    (And I really hope you meant that Isaiah was forced to sleep with wenches, not winches, or I fear he may not make it back alive.)

    • soccermomof4
      January 31, 2011

      Best. T-shirt. Idea. Ever.
      Oh my gosh, that would be so funny, but 99.9% of the people I see regularly wouldn’t know who I was talking about and half of the people who did wouldn’t recognize the sarcasm.

  4. mei
    January 31, 2011

    I really laughed out loud on the abidal part.( after noticing there wasnt a million following his price 😀 )

    • Helge
      February 1, 2011

      haha, I also missed the missing ‘m’ at first instance 😀

    • soccermomof4
      January 31, 2011

      OK, that was pretty funny, but the Escape from Liverpool picture was a bit wierd. Don’t tell Kari about the new peanuts pic, peanutty dream of the girls. It will either upset her protective towards Cuddly sensibilities or she’ll never get off that site for staring at it.

  5. outerspacedout
    January 31, 2011

    I kinda feel bad for Andy Caroll, overpriced as he is.

    Apparently when Liverpool tabled a huge bid, Newcastle made it public that they rejected it, then suddenly they say that ‘Andy Caroll has submitted a transfer request’ and then release a statement saying ‘Newcastle have reluctantly accepted a record transfer fee by Liverpool for Andy Caroll who submitted a transfer request’ or something like that. Caroll had apparently signed a five year deal with Newcastle earlier in the season and repeatedly said he wanted to stay at Newcastle, and judging from the past history of Newcastle owner Mike Ashley and all things, both most Newcastle fans and all the Soccernet editors seem to be convinced that Ashley forced Caroll to submit a transfer request so he could make the deal without causing the kind of mass uproar that would have happened if they’d just sold him. Newcastle fans are also convinced that most of the 40 mil will go into Ashley’s pocket and not be spent for strengthening, since apparently he’s done that before (not using much of transfer fees to strengthen) and also has previously been found out many times for lying to their fans.

    Caroll apparently sent a message to some Newcastle journalists as well, sometime after this discussion had happened, saying that he was made to submit a transfer request and that he hated leaving home.

    If that is true, it’s pretty messed up, and I find it very likely actually.

  6. outerspacedout
    January 31, 2011

    Also as regarding Torres, reposting the song ‘Pool fans made up:

    His armband said he was a red Torres Torres
    But Roman came and turned his head Torres Torres
    He went to a club that gives out flags
    And where the captain shags the slags
    Fernando Torres keep an eye on ya bird!

    I don’t know the real tune, but in my head it goes to the tune of ‘Kleiner Hai’, with ‘Torres Torres’ corresponding to ‘ba-dum ba-dum’, here *
    Which if you haven’t seen before you really should watch, by the way, that Kleiner Hai song. It’s priceless.

  7. Víctor
    January 31, 2011

    I know that this is a joke, but Pedro is so underrated. I don’t understand why. OK, I can see that he is not yet a Wayne Rooney or a Samuel Eto’o, but really… which team wouldn’t like to have him on their roster?

  8. cliveee
    January 31, 2011

    laughed out loud at the skinnier wayne rooney bit. hahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

  9. January 31, 2011

    Luke’s back with a bang! 😀

    This is awesome. Much better than the stuff I’ve been coming up with! 😛

  10. BarcaGirl_Indo
    January 31, 2011

    I was like, “wow, why Abidal is the most expensive one???”

    then I realize no “M” there… hahahaha…

    and LOL for Pedro… 😀

    English players is sooooo overprice and overpaid… *sigh*

    great article, Luke!

  11. January 31, 2011

    Love the Iniesta one but if Torres is 58M, I’d say Iniesta at 75M would be a bargain.. no wait.. a Gift !! technically free these days.

  12. xavi
    February 1, 2011

    If there’s one thing about yesterday’s overpriced transfers… It’s that Rosell & Zubi would maintain distance with Arsenal/Cesc and instead concentrate on strengthening the squad where it is more needed. Thank you Liverpool FC & Chelsea FC, we owe a lot to you guys 🙂

  13. xavi
    February 1, 2011

    If there’s one positive thing about yesterday’s overpriced transfers… It’s that Rosell & Zubi would maintain distance with Arsenal/Cesc and instead concentrate on strengthening the squad where it is more needed. Thank you Liverpool FC & Chelsea FC, we owe a lot to you guys 🙂

  14. Blow-Grenade
    February 2, 2011

    That is one awesome post!!!

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