El Banquillo 2: Getting Up to Speed

Episode 2: In which the management gets together to discuss everything that has happened in the offseason.

Laporta PorLaportaGrande Oh man oh man oh man
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: What is it?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I may or may not have told a bunch of reporters that we’re going to win eight titles this year…
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Oh. Yeah, that’s not that big of a deal. Just say you miscounted the number of trophies we’re involved in because, well, there are so many!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: …and that we were going to sign Arsenal.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: You mean…
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yeah, the club. Look, my bad, but you know how I am with microphones.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Hey guys, just got back from vacation. So relaxing. How’s it going here?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: /scrolls up
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Whaaaaaaat?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Now wait, wait, we can fix this! Just a little spin doctoring here, a little voodoo magic there…
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: You’ve got to be kidding me! At least say something like “We’re going to sign Ribery” or whatever. What the hell is wrong with you?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I have a condition.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Here we go…
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I’ve got a severe form of what’s called Macromicroblabbermouthia that gets way worse during hot, humid weather.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: I have never heard of that disease before.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: All true, I swear. Borderline hospital case at times. Tears a man apart inside to know modern medicine hasn’t caught up enough to keep his Micromarcoslathermouthia in check.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Didn’t you just say blabbermouthia? Hey! You’re just making all of that up, aren’t you?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: No…
HlebStuttgart HlebToYourFace: I scored a goal!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Did I take crazy pills!? What is going on?

*HlebToYourFace has been booted by AVeryTxikiGM (admin)*

Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Christ, gotta remember to change the password on this damned chatroom.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Oh yeah, “barcelona” is really hard to figure out. Were you going to change it to “barca”?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /turns red
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Let’s get back to what’s important: me. I was in the park the other day–
Guardiola InMeYouTrust:We need a CB.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Wait, wait, this is a good story. There was this group of kids playing a pickup game and I went over to watch and some of them were really good, so I thought, maybe Txiki and Pep would like to see some raw talent, so I pulled out my camcorder–
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Did you just use the term camcorder?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: –and filmed them for a bit. Here’s the tape. What do you think?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: /sends video file
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: /watches video
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: This is just a tape of an Ajax game.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I know! Turns out I shouldn’t drink that much espresso and have access to a corporate jet. I have this complex called Hypercaffeinatedtopialypemia.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: That’s definitely made up.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Nuh-uh…
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: We bought you Ibrahimovic.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Sweet! Can I get Chygrynskiy as well?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: A what?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Chygrynskiy.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /googles Chyragrinskyiyy
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Hey, I think I have that, too! Is that the one where you tap-dance every time you hear the words “Visca el Barça”?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Oh crap.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: In the beginning, there was darkness. On the seventh day, when he was supposed to be resting, God created the Camp Nou.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Puyi, you really need to settle down.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: The primordial echoes of time rang out across the galaxies: VISCA EL BARÇA!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: /tap dances
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: What in the name of Kubala is happening?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Seriously, Puyi, listen to me, isn’t there something in your cabin you can whittle into a club crest? This is not good for your blood pressure.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Maybe we can talk about your contract renewal, Carles.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Done.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay, so, I was thinking that we could do a 3-year deal worth–
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Mister, when is practice tomorrow?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Wait, we’re talking about your contract…
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We just resolved that.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Uh…don’t you want to hear the terms we’re offering?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Can I still wear overalls while I mow the Camp Nou grass?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /blinks
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Sure, sure, you can do that.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] Don’t we have a grounds crew for that?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] He’s been doing it for them for as long as I’ve been here. Apparently he also occasionally stands guard over the field during the off-season.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay, sure, Carles, you can, uh, continue to do that.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /signs contract
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Wait, you have previously drawn up contracts in which you are allowed to mow the grass in overalls? That’s absurd!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yay! Our captain has renewed! Visca el Barça!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yes! Yes! Visca el Barça!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /runs off into the night, slobbering

*CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca has left the chatroom*

Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Well that was fun!
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Great, now our captain is insane.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: ROFL now I’m not the only one who is mad!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] I thought you changed the password, Txiki!
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] I did!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Hi, Samu!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] Did you change it to, uh, let me just guess here, FCB?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] Well, uh, it’s got to be something Joan can remember.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: So going to score on you in the Champions League! lol!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: lol, indeed, that is so funny!

*EtooBrute? has been booted by AVeryTxikiGM (admin)*

Guardiola InMeYouTrust: I think that just about wraps everything up, right? I’ve got some Coldplay albums to listen to before bed.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay. Joan, try to get some rest. You know, for your, uh, um, hypobadonkadonkitis…?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Will do!

*InMeYouTrust has left the chatroom*
*AVeryTxikiGM has left the chatroom*
*PorLaportaGrande has left the chatroom*

Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Hey guys, I’m here for the next team meeting!
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Guys? Hello?
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: /waits an hour
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Aw man, that’s the last time this happens to me, I’m moving to Girona.

*TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera has left the chatroom*

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Written by:

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.


  1. lovelymofo
    September 2, 2009

    I can totally see Puyi mowing the lawn. In his overalls.

    Nice one.

  2. Hawk
    September 2, 2009

    lol. not as good as the AMAZINGLY funny standards of the 1st one but still fucking birlliant
    props Isaiah! keep em coming!!

  3. jordi
    September 2, 2009

    lol, this was worth being hectorred 😀

  4. txikidracula
    September 2, 2009

    puyi’s blood pressure!!!

  5. yogi
    September 2, 2009

    this was niice…good work isaiah…

  6. Soto
    September 2, 2009

    The sudden appearance of CaptainCatalunya had me on the floor, figuratively. The office mates are giving me furtive looks, but they aren’t sport fans, so they’ll never understand.

    Here’s hoping we have a season’s worth of El Banquillo’s!

  7. Jnice
    September 2, 2009

    Funny, Isaiah.

    Ey, Kevin, about that Milito back injury, that ESPN commentator has no idea what he is talking about. He said Milito is continuously injured, but he fails to realize that it is only his knees, nothing else. If cules like us haven’t heard anything about this new back injury, how would an EPL lover like himself know anything about it? They love to make up stuff.

  8. September 2, 2009

    Isaiah, can you ask them next time to start their webcams while chatting? 😀

    Good work.

  9. OhYes
    September 2, 2009

    “TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Aw man, that’s the last time this happens to me, I’m moving to Girona. ”

    Haha! Hilarious, Keep it up!

  10. Necro Spaaw
    September 2, 2009

    HAHAHAHAA very good work!! 😀

  11. messi_fan
    September 2, 2009

    AVeryTxikiGM: Wait, we’re talking about your contract…
    CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We just resolved that.

    Good stuff 🙂

  12. Tutomate
    September 2, 2009

    Funny. I like Joan’s illnesses.

    And Isaiah you were right about my last post.

  13. txikidracula
    September 2, 2009

    best part is joan’s picture x^D

    i hear keirrison scored for benfica vs celtic in a friendly…any truf to dis?

  14. Alexinho
    September 2, 2009

    Ha! I always thought these last few years we were trying to sign Arsenal.

    I saw that Hleb goal by the way. Too bad he didn’t play his best for us. I don’t think he would’ve scored that against a better team, anyway.

  15. Corrine
    September 2, 2009

    oh my god i just coughed up a lung, this was too good

    i think CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca should type in perma-caps though

  16. ElShowDeJason
    September 2, 2009

    I know losing the kid for an extended amount of time sucks, but on the bright side Maxwell is back to fukk training with the squad. whatever he had came and went, and he isn’t on Brazil’s squad so we have him back.

    Especially with Bojan out, i wanna see Maxwell play LW atleast once.

  17. inNYC
    September 3, 2009

    Way to work the Coldplay thing in there!

  18. ElShowDeJason
    September 3, 2009

    sorry… typo… i meant Full… i missed the “l” on my keyboard. i didn’t catch that… wooops…

  19. ElShowDeJason
    September 3, 2009

    Kxevin or Isaiah, do you want to change/edit that for me? as the way it is written right now can lead to some misinterpretations… hehe…

  20. ElShowDeJason
    September 3, 2009

    As Isaiah has pointed out, The YAYA you see on the field is the size that he allows himself to be, to make it slightly fair for the other teams.

    This is what The Yaya looks like when he trains in the Camp Nou by himself:


  21. jnelson
    September 3, 2009

    anybody see from douchebaggery.com their article about a supposed practice match of Argentina and a local side today in which Messi scored 5 goals???? hmm……

  22. ElShowDeJason
    September 3, 2009

    what do you mean Corrine?

  23. Han
    September 3, 2009

    Jeezes, that almost killed my career. Reading this stuff at work and started laughing and crying that hard that some colleagues noticed.

    Really so so so good, Laporta is legendary, Txiki outstanding, Pep as good as it gets and the incoming players are perfectly switching gears when the boarddissussions are tending to slow down.

    Please, Do this again!!!

  24. Alexis
    September 3, 2009

    I think Puyol should be elected president of Catalunya!! 🙂
    If he renews that quick, I will be happy! We need him. He is the glue that stick the dressing room (team) together. He is the one Catalan people can relate to. He is the one that in order to save Barça he would jump into a spaceship and head directly towards the meteorite which is aiming at the Camp Nou! Errrr…I might have seen too many movies…

  25. Han
    September 3, 2009

    Btw Isaiah did you follow up on my suggestion to use the board as well? if so, can we expect EE characters to pop up as well in the future?

    Dunno for others, but I found this one even better than last one!

  26. fcbfan
    September 3, 2009

    Nice one Isaiah! lol at Laporta’s ilnesses. maybe after the Inter/Barce match, you could do another one, a lot of connection in there 😀

  27. Corrine
    September 3, 2009

    not sure what you’re asking me to clarify, but if it’s about the turf at the BMO stadium – the city doesn’t allow us to use natural grass so we have this awful artificial turf. except somehow real madrid got special treatment the night they came down and we laid out the green carpet for them haha

  28. September 3, 2009

    Han, I originally planned to have things like board meetings, etc, but your suggestion certainly didn’t dissuade me at all…We’ll see where this goes…

  29. September 3, 2009

    If that stands that’s insane. I’m not saying I don’t support it (I neither do nor don’t, actually, because I don’t know enough about the situation), I’m just saying that it’s crazy.

  30. September 3, 2009

    I’ve got no idea how the appeals process works in FIFA rulings assuming there even is one. I can only echo Isaiah right now: that’s nuts!

  31. Corrine
    September 3, 2009

    i posted that comment about keirrison ^ ^ ^ ^ last night

    what happeend? it got placed out of order

  32. September 3, 2009

    Just got released from the spam filter with an updated time, Corrine, so that others would see it. I think that explains your “benfica* whatever” comment, though.

  33. Han
    September 3, 2009

    BTW, a rather very late thanks to everybody for looking into and claryfiyng our debt issue. I sleep alot better these days:-)

    Chelski has done a Mexes, imo that suspension lasted for Roma, at least internationally.

  34. Kxevin
    September 3, 2009

    Chelsea have the option of appealing the ban with the CAS (Switzerland-based), but they might be feeling that they got off easy. Who knows?

    It does seem like a pretty heavy ban, but I’m not that familiar with the case, seeing as how it’s a team that I don’t really give a rat’s ass about.

    Puyol’s agent is talking shit about the signing of Chygnasty, and Marquez coming back, and what that means for Puyol’s renewal from a sporting side, blah, blah, blah, blah. Puyol will renew, and deserves to retire with us.

    Agents should be kneecapped.

  35. JMo
    September 3, 2009

    Are you guys seeing that Puyol’s agent is talking about how Puyi is waiting to see if he plays a lot before he signs a renewal?

    His agent said something about why he didn’t play in the Chelsea matches!? Wasn’t he suspended for the first leg!? I don’t get it. I can’t imagine the club without Puyol.

    I guess Xavi would be captain? I could see him doing it for awhile until Pique takes over. I love how he gets fired up and leads from the back.

    Who would you make as captain after Xavi if Puyol left?

  36. Corrine
    September 3, 2009

    oh alright, that makes sense isaiah

    marquez is nearing 31, i’m sure we’d get rid of him first before offloading our very own captain. the press will make a meal out of this, but i’m not concerned at all. no way would he go to a club like milan anyway, playing in italy is career suicide for any spaniard

    chelsea’s average squad age is 28 right now! with the world cup coming up, everyone will be trying to sign the rising stars and the players of the tournament, except for chelsea. ironic much?

  37. eklavya
    September 3, 2009

    Puyi is 1st captain.
    Xavi vice-captain
    Valdes 3rd and Iniesta 4th


  38. Corrine
    September 3, 2009

    and what about real madrid signing ronaldo? their pursuit of that player was pretty questionable too. very very harsh on chelsea

  39. eklavya
    September 3, 2009

    First there was nothing………..AND THEN THERE WAS CRYUFF!
    Cryuff the almight god created the camp nou with pure will!
    From utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void!>/i>


  40. eklavya
    September 3, 2009

    Oops my italic ending didn’t work.Now everyone knows I know Italic! Damnit!

    the best is:
    “HlebToYourFace: I scored a goal!
    InMeYouTrust: Did I take crazy>/i> pills!? What is going on?”

    Hahaha “crazy” pills…reminds me of someone……hmm….

  41. txikidracula
    September 3, 2009


  42. SC
    September 3, 2009

    HlebToYourFace is the greatest handle ever. I wish I had thought of it. 🙁

    Puyol’s agent is just doing his job to make sure Barca comes back with a decent $ amount for Puyol. He knows our captain would dive head first into a tank of sharks for his shirt (as Ray Ray has said) so he doesn’t exactly have a whole lot to bargain with. Still, he does have the support of the fans and his teammates, and the people of Catalunya. He will be resigned. It’s just a matter of getting a nice piece of change for him and ensuring the contract is long enough for him to retire there.

    Chelsea will no doubt appeal the decision. Seems kind of harsh but I think they want to make an example out of Chelsea and have it serve as a warning for other teams (especially in the EPL) that have been accused of raiding canteras.

  43. txikidracula
    September 3, 2009

    that’s pretty fucking hilarious isaiah.

    i could have sworn i’ve seen one where ballack & tom henning were crunking…i can’t find that shit though 🙁

  44. Helge
    September 3, 2009


    The complete part with Puyi is simply brilliant 😀

    Especially if you combine it with the picture from Mel. In Germany, we also have the term “overall”, but it’s something different.
    The kind of overall you are referring to is called a “Latzhose” in Germany.
    I truely can imagine CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca mowing the lawn in such a “suit” 🙂

  45. Ramzi
    September 3, 2009

    Chelski will appeal. Yet it sounds like the fairness curse of Adrian Mutu! And I like it! Though I doubt it will stand for long. At least they will get a “lighter ” punshment at the end.

    What they did for the guy was absolutly low. What comes around goes around.

  46. Kxevin
    September 3, 2009

    Agreed, Ramzi. Appears to go a far bit beyond “tapping up.”

    Sort of seems like people are cracking down hard on stuff in general. First the UEFA ruling on Eduardo, now this.

  47. ooga aga
    September 3, 2009

    guddy never did his farewell press conference.

  48. ElShowDeJason
    September 3, 2009

    i hate slow days.

    not that the Chelsea thing wasn’t interesting, but almost all cules hate Chelsea, so their is no debate as to whether we support the decision or not…

  49. TheHateYouGave
    September 3, 2009

    Hi! First off, I love this really creative and funny, its my first time here. I just wonder are you(isaiah) the one who plays all the charachters? I doubt it but just wanna be sure. Thank you, its really a fun idea! When´s the next part? 😀

  50. TheHateYouGave
    September 3, 2009

    Btw Chelsea has already appealed, and with abramovitjs money they will most probably lower the punishment (too bad).

  51. September 3, 2009

    TheHateYouGave: are you asking if I write the whole thing alone? Because I do…

    Definitely come back and visit again!

  52. September 4, 2009

    I’m back!.. apparently

    Kevin/Isaiah/Hector, perhaps you should write something pertaining to the impending elections next year. I didn’t really know of the ‘offside’ blog last year when Laporta was almost knocked off his throne. Curious to know whether most of the bloggers here wanted to get rid of him at the time and what their stance is now, including you guys.

  53. TheHateYouGave
    September 4, 2009

    Isaiah: WOW! That must be hard man, to play all the parts. I thought like for every player there was someone who wrote, but i guess I was wrong.

    Yea I will definitly keep visiting this site, looking forward to the next part! 😉

  54. Smermer
    September 5, 2009

    Love it!! =]

    The first one was a little more funnyer, but still- great job!! =)

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