El Banquillo 2: Getting Up to Speed

Episode 2: In which the management gets together to discuss everything that has happened in the offseason.

Laporta PorLaportaGrande Oh man oh man oh man
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: What is it?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I may or may not have told a bunch of reporters that we’re going to win eight titles this year…
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Oh. Yeah, that’s not that big of a deal. Just say you miscounted the number of trophies we’re involved in because, well, there are so many!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: …and that we were going to sign Arsenal.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: You mean…
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yeah, the club. Look, my bad, but you know how I am with microphones.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Hey guys, just got back from vacation. So relaxing. How’s it going here?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: /scrolls up
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Whaaaaaaat?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Now wait, wait, we can fix this! Just a little spin doctoring here, a little voodoo magic there…
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: You’ve got to be kidding me! At least say something like “We’re going to sign Ribery” or whatever. What the hell is wrong with you?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I have a condition.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Here we go…
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I’ve got a severe form of what’s called Macromicroblabbermouthia that gets way worse during hot, humid weather.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: I have never heard of that disease before.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: All true, I swear. Borderline hospital case at times. Tears a man apart inside to know modern medicine hasn’t caught up enough to keep his Micromarcoslathermouthia in check.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Didn’t you just say blabbermouthia? Hey! You’re just making all of that up, aren’t you?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: No…
HlebStuttgart HlebToYourFace: I scored a goal!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Did I take crazy pills!? What is going on?

*HlebToYourFace has been booted by AVeryTxikiGM (admin)*

Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Christ, gotta remember to change the password on this damned chatroom.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Oh yeah, “barcelona” is really hard to figure out. Were you going to change it to “barca”?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /turns red
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Let’s get back to what’s important: me. I was in the park the other day–
Guardiola InMeYouTrust:We need a CB.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Wait, wait, this is a good story. There was this group of kids playing a pickup game and I went over to watch and some of them were really good, so I thought, maybe Txiki and Pep would like to see some raw talent, so I pulled out my camcorder–
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Did you just use the term camcorder?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: –and filmed them for a bit. Here’s the tape. What do you think?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: /sends video file
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: /watches video
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: This is just a tape of an Ajax game.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: I know! Turns out I shouldn’t drink that much espresso and have access to a corporate jet. I have this complex called Hypercaffeinatedtopialypemia.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: That’s definitely made up.
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Nuh-uh…
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: We bought you Ibrahimovic.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Sweet! Can I get Chygrynskiy as well?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: A what?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Chygrynskiy.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /googles Chyragrinskyiyy
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Hey, I think I have that, too! Is that the one where you tap-dance every time you hear the words “Visca el Barça”?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Oh crap.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: In the beginning, there was darkness. On the seventh day, when he was supposed to be resting, God created the Camp Nou.
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Puyi, you really need to settle down.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: The primordial echoes of time rang out across the galaxies: VISCA EL BARÇA!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: /tap dances
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: What in the name of Kubala is happening?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Seriously, Puyi, listen to me, isn’t there something in your cabin you can whittle into a club crest? This is not good for your blood pressure.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Maybe we can talk about your contract renewal, Carles.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Done.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay, so, I was thinking that we could do a 3-year deal worth–
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Mister, when is practice tomorrow?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Wait, we’re talking about your contract…
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We just resolved that.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Uh…don’t you want to hear the terms we’re offering?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Can I still wear overalls while I mow the Camp Nou grass?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: /blinks
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Sure, sure, you can do that.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] Don’t we have a grounds crew for that?
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] He’s been doing it for them for as long as I’ve been here. Apparently he also occasionally stands guard over the field during the off-season.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay, sure, Carles, you can, uh, continue to do that.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /signs contract
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Wait, you have previously drawn up contracts in which you are allowed to mow the grass in overalls? That’s absurd!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yay! Our captain has renewed! Visca el Barça!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Yes! Yes! Visca el Barça!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: /runs off into the night, slobbering

*CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca has left the chatroom*

Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Well that was fun!
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Great, now our captain is insane.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: ROFL now I’m not the only one who is mad!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] I thought you changed the password, Txiki!
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] I did!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Hi, Samu!
Guardiola InMeYouTrust: [private message to AVeryTxikiGM] Did you change it to, uh, let me just guess here, FCB?
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: [private message to InMeYouTrust] Well, uh, it’s got to be something Joan can remember.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: So going to score on you in the Champions League! lol!
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: lol, indeed, that is so funny!

*EtooBrute? has been booted by AVeryTxikiGM (admin)*

Guardiola InMeYouTrust: I think that just about wraps everything up, right? I’ve got some Coldplay albums to listen to before bed.
Txiki AVeryTxikiGM: Okay. Joan, try to get some rest. You know, for your, uh, um, hypobadonkadonkitis…?
Laporta PorLaportaGrande: Will do!

*InMeYouTrust has left the chatroom*
*AVeryTxikiGM has left the chatroom*
*PorLaportaGrande has left the chatroom*

Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Hey guys, I’m here for the next team meeting!
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Guys? Hello?
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: /waits an hour
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera: Aw man, that’s the last time this happens to me, I’m moving to Girona.

*TheRiddlerAndtheJorquera has left the chatroom*

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater Philadelphia area.


  1. First there was nothing………..AND THEN THERE WAS CRYUFF!
    Cryuff the almight god created the camp nou with pure will!
    From utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void!>/i>


  2. Oops my italic ending didn’t work.Now everyone knows I know Italic! Damnit!

    the best is:
    “HlebToYourFace: I scored a goal!
    InMeYouTrust: Did I take crazy>/i> pills!? What is going on?”

    Hahaha “crazy” pills…reminds me of someone……hmm….

  3. HlebToYourFace is the greatest handle ever. I wish I had thought of it. 🙁

    Puyol’s agent is just doing his job to make sure Barca comes back with a decent $ amount for Puyol. He knows our captain would dive head first into a tank of sharks for his shirt (as Ray Ray has said) so he doesn’t exactly have a whole lot to bargain with. Still, he does have the support of the fans and his teammates, and the people of Catalunya. He will be resigned. It’s just a matter of getting a nice piece of change for him and ensuring the contract is long enough for him to retire there.

    Chelsea will no doubt appeal the decision. Seems kind of harsh but I think they want to make an example out of Chelsea and have it serve as a warning for other teams (especially in the EPL) that have been accused of raiding canteras.

  4. that’s pretty fucking hilarious isaiah.

    i could have sworn i’ve seen one where ballack & tom henning were crunking…i can’t find that shit though 🙁

  5. ROFL

    The complete part with Puyi is simply brilliant 😀

    Especially if you combine it with the picture from Mel. In Germany, we also have the term “overall”, but it’s something different.
    The kind of overall you are referring to is called a “Latzhose” in Germany.
    I truely can imagine CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca mowing the lawn in such a “suit” 🙂

  6. Chelski will appeal. Yet it sounds like the fairness curse of Adrian Mutu! And I like it! Though I doubt it will stand for long. At least they will get a “lighter ” punshment at the end.

    What they did for the guy was absolutly low. What comes around goes around.

  7. Agreed, Ramzi. Appears to go a far bit beyond “tapping up.”

    Sort of seems like people are cracking down hard on stuff in general. First the UEFA ruling on Eduardo, now this.

  8. i hate slow days.

    not that the Chelsea thing wasn’t interesting, but almost all cules hate Chelsea, so their is no debate as to whether we support the decision or not…

  9. Hi! First off, I love this really creative and funny, its my first time here. I just wonder are you(isaiah) the one who plays all the charachters? I doubt it but just wanna be sure. Thank you, its really a fun idea! When´s the next part? 😀

  10. Btw Chelsea has already appealed, and with abramovitjs money they will most probably lower the punishment (too bad).

  11. I’m back!.. apparently

    Kevin/Isaiah/Hector, perhaps you should write something pertaining to the impending elections next year. I didn’t really know of the ‘offside’ blog last year when Laporta was almost knocked off his throne. Curious to know whether most of the bloggers here wanted to get rid of him at the time and what their stance is now, including you guys.

  12. Isaiah: WOW! That must be hard man, to play all the parts. I thought like for every player there was someone who wrote, but i guess I was wrong.

    Yea I will definitly keep visiting this site, looking forward to the next part! 😉

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