Scene: Early evening, a large home in an upscale neighborhood. A young man sits in the living room playing video games. A low moan emanates from the heat vent and he glances at it, shrugs, and goes back to his game. He hears another moan and gets up to go to the vent.
Moan: Ooooh, I am the ghost of Clásicos future.
Lionel Messi: Wow! A ghost is in my house! What are you doing here, Mr. Ghost?
Moan: Oooooh I’m here to warn you of impending doooooom.
Messi: Like end of the world doom or like post IHOP discomfort doom?
Moan: If you play on Monday you’ll break your leg. Ooooooh.
Messi: Which one?
Moan: What? I don’t know. Your right one?
Messi: Oh that’s a great relief.
Moan: Why do you think…How are you so calm…uh, ooooh.
Messi: I don’t use my right leg. As a ghost I’d expect you to know that.
Moan: But you still won’t be able to play with a broken leg.
Messi: That’s silly. Thanks for the warning, Mr. Ghost.
Moan: No problem oooooh.
Messi: [looks at vent more closely] Are you in my basement?
Moan: I’m…not, uh, in your basement…
Messi: You sure? It sounds like it. Why are we talking through a vent? Just come upstairs and have a cup of hot chocolate. It’s pretty cold. [goes towards basement door]
Moan: Uh, I have, uh, other people to visit. Yeah, other people. I’m not in your basement!
Messi: [opens basement door and sees Jose Mourinho with his face by one of the vents] There you are. Come on up, it’ll be a lot easier to talk.
Jose Mourinho: [walks slowly up stairs, hanging his head]
Messi: So, about that hot chocolate…
Mourinho: That would be nice, thank you.
Messi: Mom! Can you get my ghost friend some hot chocolate? He’s cold.
Mrs. Messi: [from other room] Sure honey, does your invisible friend happen to like mini marshmallows like you too?
Messi: [yelling] Moh-ohm, don’t embarrass me. Of course he does! [switching back to his inside voice] You look really familiar. Have you visited me before?
Mourinho: Um…yes? No?
Messi: You don’t know?
Mourinho: I visit a lot of players…
Messi: Let’s play some video games. PES, obviously.
Mourinho: Err, okay, I suppose.
Messi: I’m going to be Barcelona. I edited the team and added myself to every position.
Mourinho: You can play defense too?
Messi: Of course. The key is to make sure your opponent never gets the ball. I usually get 100% possession.
Mourinho: What about kickoffs?
Messi: I win those too. You probably shouldn’t play as Madrid.
Mourinho: Why not?
Messi: I won’t go easy on you.
Mourinho: I’ll just play a 4-2-3-1 and harass your midfielders.
Messi: Won’t work against my 4-3-4.
Mourinho: You added an extra player?
Messi: Oh, I just took Keeper Messi and put him in the field. Goal.
Mourinho: How come Pepe didn’t get in the way of that?
Messi: He was distracted by Midfielder Messi’s diagonal run. And Sergio Ramos was eating a cheeseburger so there was no cover. Goal.
Mourinho: Wait, how come you kicked off after you scored?
Messi: I told you I was good.
Mrs. Messi: [coming in to room carrying tray of mugs] Oh! Hello, Mr. Mourinho. I didn’t know you were coming over.
Messi: You’ve met? He was in the basement talking into the heating vent.
Mrs. Messi: Oh no! If I’d known you were coming over again, I’d have cleaned up down there. It’s dusty.
Messi: I used to keep my Legos down there, but then we bought the house next door for them. Goal.
Mourinho: Did your keeper just score from 50 yards?
Messi: Yes. Goal. You’re not very good.
Mourinho: I won the triple last year! I have won championships in 43 countries!
Messi: They let ghosts coach?
Mrs. Messi: Ghosts?
Messi: Yeah, he’s the Ghost of Clásicos future. Apparently I’m going to break my leg on Monday if I play. Goal.
Mrs. Messi: Mr. Mourinho, that is very low of you.
Mourinho: I disagree. It is a part of the sport. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen!
Mrs. Messi: I think you should probably leave.
Mourinho: You shall rue the day you turned your back on me!
Mrs. Messi: That doesn’t even make sense. It’s just a random, evil one-liner.
Mourinho: Mark my words, this will be a reckoning!
Messi: Do you think I can break 100 goals against you before half time? I think I can. Mom, does that count as a reckoning?
Mrs. Messi: I think it might.
Mourinho: It’s just a video game. Real life is where you win immortality.
Messi: Is that why you have to visit players as a ghost?
Mourinho: Er…I have to go…[stands and heads to door. He pauses to speak again, but Mrs. Messi pushes him out]