Another Day at the Office: Barça – Sevilla

I’m traveling today, so your preview is…a little different…

Scene: The sun shines mightily on Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper. Several men kick a spherical object back and forth.

Pep Guardiola: Okay, chiquitos, it’s time to do some jogging.

Gabriel Milito: What should I do?

Guardiola: Right, sorry: okay, chiquitos and Gabi, it’s time to do some jogging.

Milito: Oh snaps you’re all going to get injured now!

Guardiola: What did we talk about, Gabi?

Milito: [looks at ground ashamed] Only murder opponents…

Xavi: [rolls up in a wheelchair] I’m ready, mister!

Guardiola: No, you can’t practice, we need you for the rest of the season.

Xavi: But I’m as good as new! Just ask Cugat!

Guardiola: Cugat’s official diagnosis is “mauled by a lion.” I think that precludes you from training.

Xavi: We’re still the best player, even with just one leg and no eyes. [does perfect pirouette with his wheelchair]

Guardiola: Wait, we?

Andres Iniesta: Please let us play, mister.

Carles Puyol: Andrecito cries himself to sleep every night when he can’t play with, uh, his other half.

Guardiola: How do you know that?

Puyol: Uh, I’m captain?

Iniesta: Please let us play, mister.

Guardiola: Fine, but you have to be able to run for a while. Keep going until I blow the whistle.

Everyone: You got it, mister!

[The group begins to run around a field.]

Lionel Messi: I hope he doesn’t make us run for too long. I have to fly to Italy to train with Inter.

Bojan: I want to watch an episode of Hannah Montana.

Gerard Piqué: Are you sure you can handle that kind of drama?

Bojan: It doesn’t scare me anymore!

[A whistle sounds and everyone stops running.]

Messi: Wow! That was a lot shorter than I thought!

Bojan: After all that, we only did half a lap?

Guardiola: [from other side of the field] Why did you stop? Keep running!

Bojan: Wait, what?

[Everyone begins to run again]

Jose Manuel Pinto: [laughs] Sorry guys, that was me.

Bojan: Oh come on! I was so ready to change into my PJs and watch Hannah!

Piqué: Don’t forget your blankey.

Bojan: I wouldn’t forget it!

Abidal: Did you know that this October is the first time in like 500 years that there has been a month with 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays in it?

Bojan: It’s an omen!

Abidal: Only if it begins raining on a sunny day. [He points up and Bojan follows his gaze to the cloudless sky]

[There is a terrific thunderclap]

Bojan: We’re all going to die!

Pinto: [laughs] Sorry guys, that was me.

Bojan: Oh come on!

Guardiola: Less talking, more running!

Bojan: Mister, I doodied my shorts again! Can I go change?

Guardiola: Yes, but I better not catch you watching that Hanna-Barbera stuff again.

[Bojan runs off to the locker room holding the back of his shorts]

Messi: What is everyone going to be for Halloween? I’m going as a Lego man.

Sergi Busquets: I’m going as the Technodrome. Bojan is going to be a Ninja Turtle climbing up my side.

Iniesta: We’re going as the Blue Man Group.

Piqué: But you need 3 for that to really work.

Xavi: We play a 3 man midfield together, so it should be easy.

Busi: Yeah but I’m the third midfielder…

Xavi: You play in midfield? We thought you played defense.

Busi: What do you think our formation is?

Xavi: It’s a 5-3-3.

Busi: Ha, you put in an extra player there.

[Bojan comes running back with new shorts on]

Bojan: Ha! You’re still on the same lap as when I left.

Abidal: We’re running in a circle?

Bojan: I knew that.

Piqué: I’m going as Jason from Friday the 13th. It’s going to be mad dope yo.

Puyol: That might be too scary for some of the, uh, niños.

Bojan: I speak Spanish, you know! I understood that!

Piqué: Nah, it’s all good. Sure, it’s a dark movie with murder and death and—

[A chainsaw roars to life]

Bojan: We’re all going to die!

Pinto: [laughs] Sorry guy, that was me.

Bojan: I have to go to the locker room again…

Puyol: I’ll have to talk to your mother about your diet because this amount of excrement simply cannot be healthy.

[Bojan runs to the locker room, crossing paths with Jeffren]

Puyol: I see you’re fully recovered, Jefferson Airplane.

Jeffren: Yeah, it feels great to finally be healthy again.

Piqué: Speaking of injury…Xavi, how’s your ankle feeling?

Xavi: Pretty good. No pain, just some slight swelling around the wound.

Piqué: Yeah, recovering from an Achilles injury can—wait, wound?

Iniesta: Didn’t you hear our diagnosis from Cugat?

Piqué: Yeah, but, I mean, that was just nonsense.

Xavi: The lions are real.

Piqué: And World Cup trophies can play foosball…

[A lion roars from behind the group]

Piqué: Stop it, Pinto Bean.

Pinto: That wasn’t me.

Piqué: Well then who—

[A lion leaps onto Jeffren and bites into his shoulder. Bojan, just coming out of the locker room, turns around and goes back inside. Milito jumps on the lion’s back and bites into its shoulder. The lion roars in pain and tries to buck Milito, but he will not come loose. They fight to the death.]

Pinto: I gotta learn that roar now.

Jeffren: Oh god my shoulder! Will you stop standing around and get me a doctor?

Xavi: Oh buck up, it’s just a flesh wound. I’m doing fine and I got it way worse.

Jeffren: I just got healthy!

Iniesta: Us too.

Jeffren: Life is so cruel!

Messi: Why did you guys stop running? I just lapped you.

Puyol: And this is why Leo is the best in the world!

Jeffren: Help me, I’m getting weak from the loss of blood.

Milito: [wearing the lion’s pelt] Oh come off it, he didn’t hit any arteries. I, on the other hand, hit all of his arteries.

Piqué: I didn’t know things could contain that much blood.

Milito: Quentin Tarrantino asks me for advice on making things realistic.

Piqué: I did hear that Kill Bill was based on your teenage years.

Milito: It’s a biography. Except for how I’m a girl. That part is “artistic license.”

Jeffren: Say goodbye to my mom for me, would you, Pedrito?

Pedro: [kneeling by Jeffren’s side, weeping] You know I will, brother, you know I will.

Piqué: No, I’ll tell her…while I’m doing her aaaawww snap.

Guardiola: [standing on the other side of the field, muttering] I don’t know how we win games.

Tito Vilanova: [standing next to Guardiola] Illa, illa illa, Villa—

Guardiola and Tito: Maravillarato! [they laugh and high five]

END SCENE

Official Prediction: 3-0, goals by Messi (2) and Villa. Villa was too busy training to appear in this scene, so you know he’ll get a goal.

Time: Saturday 10pm local/Barcelona, 4pm EST/NYC, check your local time here.
TV: Here in the US, the game is on ESPN Deportes and ESPN3.com
Weather: 61F (16C), partly cloudy, some wind gusts, 0% chance of rain.

As I’ll be out of town, if you’d like to run the liveblog, please let me know as soon as possible and we’ll get everything set up. If you know the Syracuse, NY area and know of a good soccer bar, please let me know. I’ve heard Chuck’s is good, but it’s right on campus during college football season and could overlap Syracuse at Cincinnati on the televisions.

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.

56 comments

  1. Hehehe…

    Is there going to be anywhere I can catch a recording of the game afterward? I’m going to be out of town tomorrow and I lack DVR (or access to ESPN3, weirdly enough).

  2. Bojan: I want to watch an episode of Hannah Montana.

    Gerard Piqué: Are you sure you can handle that kind of drama?

    that was hillarious

  3. hahaha the best one yet. The Pinto part with the whistle, Santin’d me, and I stopped in my tracks.
    But honestly that got me that was amazing. Great stuff. Fantastic.

  4. great post (I gotta learn that roar)

    I will be in the camp nou again! and palop won’t!! yay

    vamossss nolito

    1. ok,ok. 😀 I don’t own a camera my girlfriend does and she won’t lend it to me to go to the stadium, it’s an expensive one. I’ll take some pics with my lame ass mobile phone, no zoom 🙁

    1. what do you mean authentic home shirts? weren’t they before? wasn’t it the one I bought in the FCB shop? 🙁

    2. I’m confused too 😆
      So all this while we bought a China-made shirt?

      Kev, is that where you buy your football gears?
      Soccerpro?

    3. Jason nails it. Every shirt sold to us civilians is a replica of the real player shirts. Dependent upon the club and shirt maker, the real deal will sometimes have a built-in baselayer. The fabric is also a LOT nicer. Look at the players today during the match, and notice how their shirts have a little bit extra gleam, and the fabric moves better, in a more supple way.

      Every now and again, companies will decide to cater to the true fans by selling actual player shirts. Lyon did it a few years back. Adidas did it with their Authentics line. Frankly, I’m surprised it took Nike this long. It might have been that they didn’t have a team that would make people buy their authentics before. I buy almost all of my stuff from Kitbag. But any shop that sells stuff is selling the same shirt.

      Well they sure do now.

      But yes, the little-known fact about team shirts is that they are downmarket replicas. If Barca wanted to get really cool, they’d sell ’em with authentic badging, as well, so the extra-large sized Liga patch goes on, the whole nine yards. That’s what Lyon did.

      Look at this picture of Villa in the colors. See how shiny the fabric is, and all the extra ripples? It’s a much finer weave. Replica shirts don’t do that. Hopefully, none of this data will diminish the pride with which we all rock the colors, it must also be said.

      shirt

  5. ESPN says the game’s at 5:00 EST..I trust Isaiah, of course, but does anyone have a third source on this so we can be sure?

    1. well, spain isnt changing their clocks until sunday, so since the game is saturday, there should be 6 hours difference between local and eastern time, and the FCB official site says game is at 22:00, which means game here is at 16:00 eastern time, i.e. 4pm. and tahts 1pm pacific, here in seattle. my math could be bad.

      i dunno, im gonna show up early (to the pub) and if i have to wait, so be it.

    2. Official Barca site has it at 10pm here.

      //http://www.fcbarcelona.com/web/english/futbol/temporada_10-11/arxiu_partits/lliga/jornada09/Barcelona_Sevilla/entrades.html

      Which means it’ll be at 2pm in Mountain Time. That’d be 4pm for you East Coasters.

      I think there’s some confusion because the Europe is moving out of Daylight Savings Time this Sunday, but the U.S. is moving out Sunday after that (on Nov. 7th, as opposed to October 31st). So next week’s Champions League will be an hour later for those of us in the U.S.

      And I think it is ESPN’s error. Wouldn’t be the first time they’re wrong on these things.

    3. You guys know that you can use google calendar to keep a track of all the games right? It even converts to your timezone and whatnot. If you didn’t know, this is how you do it:

      1. go to http://calendar.google.com
      2. Top right upside down triangle next to “Settings”, click, and choose “Calendar settings”
      3. In the calendar settings page, click on the “Calendars” tab (next to the “General” tab)
      4. Search the page for a link titled “Browse interesting calendars” — it should be about halfway down the page and in the right hand side.
      5. Go to the Sports tab
      6. Pick “Soccer” from the list
      7. Pick “Spanish Primera Division” (or any other league)
      8. Hit “Subscribe” next to your team
      9. Click “Back to calendar” and all their events should be in your calendar.
      10. ????
      11. Profit

  6. Great post once again.
    Speaking of Milito, I really don’t understand the need to sell him to make space for Fontas. Don’t we need an experienced classy back-up like him? So if Puyol or Pique get’s injured, we’re supposed to put Fontas in? It would be foolish to sell Milito imo.

  7. Awesome post as usual!

    No Super Palop and Intense Eyes Navas?! Sweeeet. And no way Bojan watches Hannah Montana; it’s gotta be Gossip Girl.

  8. Paul The Octopus was asked if Real Madrid will win La Liga this year…He died laughing. Lets go Barcelona!

  9. my lineup for tomorrow

    victor
    dani gerard carles eric
    sergio
    xavi andres
    pedro lionel david

    for realskis

  10. wow! i’m exhausted. that’s the hardest i’ve laughed in a long time. That was definitely your funniest yet, Queen…i mean Isaiah. Thankyou.
    Pinto was my favorite part. then the part with the lion, wow! kill bill. so amazing!

  11. Oh yeah. EMD readers are smarter than the editors!
    In a poll, 61% chose Pastore over Suarez. Although they play in different positions, I agree with the outcome of the vote. Just not feeling Suarez although I was slightly impressed with him during the WC

  12. By the by, Pique is on four yellows. Look for him to pick one up either today or next match against Getafe, to make sure he doesn’t snag one at the wrong time, and have to miss El Clasic.

    1. Excellent. You’ll need to refresh my memory on whether you’ve run one before, and how much setup I need to do.

    2. Actually as it turns out, I’ll be able to run it. My training ride will be cut short due to giant, crazy-ass winds, Pt. II.

      So my loss (ha!) is everyone else’s gain.

    3. Kxevin – you should be listening to classical music at very high volumes while sitting in front of your huge tv while your fans create the experience of the wind on a fas bike ride while you watch the game. All the while ruminating on how much you hate Bojan because he kicked your mom in the ankles that one time.

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