Scene: Offices of Barcelona, the lights of the Camp Nou shining in the background. Two men sit facing each other.
Pep Guardiola: Look, I know you sold Chygrynskiy out from under me because you thought he was actually Chewbacca, but for the last time, Crackovia is not a documentary of the team.
Sandro Rosell: But they have scenes in the locker rooms.
Pep: What? Every locker room scene is the same locker room, just with different club crests pasted everywhere!
Sandro: TV tricks!
Pep: They’re not even tricks. They’re just…jokes.
Sandro: But they interview Puyol and he talks about sheep and whittling and all the other stuff he talks about for real.
Pep: Yeah, they do a really good Puyol. But come on, they’ve only got one black guy and he plays all the black players.
Sandro: We have more than one black player?
Pep: Abidal and Keita?
Sandro: Those are different people? I thought it was like a nickname or something. Like Seydou Keita Abidal.
Pep: You watch too much Phil Schoen.
Sandro: Well that’s true.
Pep: Still, you sold Chygrynskiy. And then you sold Ibra and you told me that we couldn’t buy anyone else and then you offered like €50m and a golden calf to Arsenal for Cesc.
Sandro: And they rejected it, I might remind you.
Pep: The point is you said we couldn’t afford anyone.
Sandro: We can’t.
Pep: And then you went and made it impossible for my friend Chris Martin from Coldplay to become a member. He had just saved up enough cash to do it and you were all “Nope, sorry.”
Sandro: That was a good one wasn’t it?
Sandro: Oh. So how can I make it up to you?
Pep: Buy me the greatest player in the world.
Sandro: We already have Messi. And Xaviniesta. Did you know they only collect one paycheck? It’s pretty great. The banks around here all honor the checks too even though there’s no way they have a driver’s license that says “Xaviniesta”.
Pep: Don’t be so sure about that. But that’s not who I’m talking about. I’m talking about a workhorse. A man who will never stop until his heart does.
Sandro: Dani Alves? Did you know he once threatened me that if I got near his woman he would debone me? I don’t even know who his woman is, so I’m just staying away from all women, including my wife. Can’t risk it.
Pep: Again, not surprising, but no. We’re talking about a man mountain of epic proportions. He can block out the sun if he stands next to you.
Pep: No, but that’s a thought too.
Sandro: Who? Just tell me who.
Pep: His name is great, but fear not, he is capable.
Sandro: God, just tell me. I have to go to bed. I sleep one hour a night, 5 minutes at a time because of Alves. I saw a woman on the street the other day and I nearly pissed myself. I ran into a street sign because I closed my eyes to make sure I wasn’t looking at–
Pep: Gareth Bale.
Sandro: He looks like a gorilla. With a lot of hair product.
Pep: I know. That part is unfortunate. But otherwise: crack.
Sandro: I’ll see what I can do…
Pep: And I’ll see what I can do about not telling Dani Alves where you keep the pictures of his wife I’ve put somewhere in your house.
Sandro: I found €50m in transfer fees again!
[Ed note: you’re welcome for that, Luke.]