To Tell the Truth

Curiosport reports that French journalist Besma Lahouri may have uncovered the motive which led former Real Madrid player and French national Zinedine Zidane to head-butt Italy’s Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final. According to Lahouri, the Gallic soccer star had argued with his wife earlier that morning and spent the day quite upset. “In fact,” he reports, “Zidane wasn’t even wearing his wedding ring during the game, as he usually does.” (yahoo.es 10/15/2010)

The 2010 Final featured another incident of soccer violence, when Holland’s Nigel de Jong kicked Xabi Alonso of Spain in the chest. Although de Jong was not reprimanded by game officials, the Terrier’s kung-fu kai-ia sullied the team’s long-standing reputation for clean games beautifully played. Following Lahouri’s shocking report, de Jong’s agent came forward with an explanation for his star’ misbehavior:

“He had just returned from visiting his family and was in a horrible mood,” the agent disclosed. “Apparently some neighbors stopped by to congratulate the family on the Netherland’s semifinal victory and his mother greeted them with ‘Well, we always dreamed Nigel would become a doctor, but the World Cup is fine with us, too’. That made my client very angry.”

“Why does she always say that to people?” the agent added. “First Aunt Gretchen, now the Pommdersloots. Plus she says it like she’s all happy, but you can tell she’s really pissed. Look, Mrs. de Jong, Nigel’s sorry, okay? He failed elementary biology – he’s not going to be a doctor. God. Why can’t she just love him for who he is?”

Alonso’s La Liga is no place for old, weak or otherwise infirm men, however. Aficionados recall Alonso’s teammate Gabriel Heinze and his nasty nuts-kick to Kun Agüero in the 2009 Madrid derby. At the time, the incident was written off as the result of the game’s emotional charge. But now the true reason for Heinze’s cleat clamp on his fellow Argentine has been revealed. According to his secretary, Heinze was simply blowing off steam after a frustrating day at Madrid’s premiere department store, El Corte Inglés.

“El Corte Inglés promises everything,” the spokesperson said. “Outstanding merchandise, a gourmet market, a full-service travel agency and extended hours even through siesta … Well,” she continued, “have you ever tried to buy anything there? No one’s working the registers, because they’re all outside chatting or smoking or having a cafecito, so you have to go up two flights to the only open cashier, and when it’s finally your turn, she tells you that this is Men’s Accessories and in order to buy that Loewe scarf you need to go back to Outerwear. No wonder this economy is in shambles! Gabi should’ve just stolen that cashmere muffler, that’s what he should’ve done.”

One of the most infamous dirty tricks in soccer history is surely Birmingham City’s Martin Taylor and his horrific whack to Arsenal’s Eduardo da Silva in 2008, causing the latter a shattered shinbone and Martin the loss of several lucrative endorsements. Throughout the world, fans shook their heads in disbelief and/or winced in empathetic  pain. But this midfield mystery seems to finally have been solved by an unlikely source: the Stadium super.

“I was downstairs moppin’ up all on me tod,” he reports. “And fast, ’cause I like to take a butcher at the field with me mates before the half. And there in the hall was Mr Taylor … poundin’ on the vendin’ machine. ‘Mr Taylor’, I says, ‘can I ‘elp you? ‘Cause he looked to be in a right two and eight. ‘D’ya see this?’ he says, and drags me by me sleeve. Made me drop the broom, he did. ‘Those bloody crisps won’t come out,’ he says. ‘Well, Mr Taylor,’ I says, ‘I can spot you the change.’ And he gets all upset like. He grabs me by me collar, like he’s makin’ to beat me head into the window! ‘Listen here ya peon,’ he says, ‘I makes twice the money that you do. If I wanted to buy a whole truckload a crisps I could!’ And then he storms upstairs without a peep. When I saws what he did I cou’dn’t Adam ‘n’ Eve it!’

The rising popularity of soccer among young girls has increased the competitive nature among female professionals as well. Elizabeth Lambert of New Mexico’s Lobos has gained notoriety for undue aggression on the field. Given the latest trend of ne’er-do-wellers acknowledging the real reason for their wrongdoing, a Los Alamos reporter confronted Lambert at a recent press conference with a photo of her appearing to attack an unsuspecting opponent. Ms Lambert preferred to respond personally:

“Who is that?” she demanded, causing representatives from several local news and sports media outlets to instinctively duck. “Who are you? I don’t even know who you are. Yeah, that’s me. So [expletive] what? Whaddya think, I’m scared of you? I don’t even know who that [expletive] is. Who is that [expletive]? What a loser! You can tell she is a total loser! She lost! She lost and now she’s all saaaad. Boo [expletive] hoo, byotch!”

At which point Ms Lambert pushed aside the microphone and stood up on the folding table, demanding to know if that [expletive] Mia Hamm was present, since she “hates that [expletive] Hamm byotch” and was willing to “slap that byotch” in order to demonstrate her complete indifference to public opinion on the matter.

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SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.

33 Comments

  1. Vj
    October 18, 2010

    Epic!

    BTW, I know why Women’s Soccer in the US of A is so violent.. Its no wonder the girls lose their temper easily especially after seeing 9 others wearing the same ‘dress’..

    • Jose
      October 18, 2010

      Holy crap! I just noticed that your avatar is also the letter “A” with two dots on it!

  2. Kxevin
    October 18, 2010

    SoMa has forced me into retirement. Good Lord, that was brilliant, and laugh-out-loud wonderful.

  3. Jim
    October 18, 2010

    Yeah, good read. Mind you, you could post that on 9 out of 10 blogs and people would take it literally 🙂

  4. GREECE BARCA
    October 18, 2010

    is that truth that wayne rooney told united that he ll go in winter transfers??this is a big chance to take him!i can.t imagine him go to E.E.NO WAY.

    • Bill
      October 18, 2010

      Rooney could work in barca down the middle, since Villa likes the left soo much.

  5. blitzen
    October 18, 2010

    Nigel de Jong would be the scariest doctor ever!

    • Kxevin
      October 18, 2010

      Post coming later on Rosell’s Nuremberg Rall….I mean Assembly.

    • blitzen
      October 18, 2010

      I’d have to go with “both” on this one. Clearly there were financial irregularities in Laporta’s regime, but the viciousness with which Rosell is going after him make it pretty obvious that the motivation is personal.

  6. blitzen
    October 18, 2010

    Anyone want to make a prediction on the Villareal-Hercules game later today? If Villareal wins they will be top of the league.

    I’m predicting a 1-1 draw. Villareal is on a hot streak but they are without a couple of key players and may be due for a shock, and Hercules has been punching way above their weight class.

  7. blitzen
    October 18, 2010

    Oh, just shut up already, Zlatan!

    *http://www.goal.com/en/news/1716/champions-league/2010/10/18/2171752/milan-striker-zlatan-ibrahimovic-slams-barcelona-coach-pep

    “Guardiola is a great coach but he lacks the experience to deal with 22 different stars and their personalities. Barcelona as a club is not difficult to manage; they won six titles in a year, but with all those talented stars in the team who would not have achieved that?

    “Publicly he wants to be perfect. But Tiger Woods wanted to be perfect. And no one is ”

    I’ll take this with a grain of salt, though, considering the source. The article on BS.com refers to La Gazzetta dello Sport, but I couldn’t find this article on either the English or Italian versions of their website.

    • Helge
      October 18, 2010

      If Ibra fires Milan to two consecutive wins against Real Madrid this week and on the next CL playday, I’m fine… 🙂

      And now, Go Villarreal, retain first spot!!!

    • blitzen
      October 18, 2010

      Some more quotes from the Ibra interview (via ONTD from El Pais):

      Q: It seemed like you didn’t quite fit in in that particular way of playing (ie. Barca-style). You look more comfortable playing calcio.

      A: They’re different. Here we’re not all part of the dynamic of a game. Italian clubs always depend on those three or four players that make a difference. The others are just on the sidelines, doing the dirty work. At Barça, every game, all eleven players on the pitch are active. They all actively participate in the game. You play and you try not to lose the ball, you attack, but always with seven players, not three (like they do in Italy A/N).

      ***

      Q: Were things different in Barcelona?

      A: Barça players were not as mature as the ones who play here.

      ***

      Q: You mean Pep isn’t (perfect)?

      A: I mean that at Barça, anyone can be manager. Anyone can manage a club with those 22 players. I could do it, even, it wouldn’t be that hard. They say he won six cups, but who WOULDN’T; with those players? Barça is not a good school, if we’re talking about a team. Now, Ajax was one. It didn’t matter if you did something wrong once, or if you had a fight with a teammate. At Barça, everyone shows up at training an nobody says anything… At Inter, at Milan, at Chelsea, at Manchester it’s different, because there’s 22 players and each of them thinks he’s the best. At Barça they must think the same, too, but nobody says anything. They were all quiet and ‘kept a low profile’. Managing a team with 22 players who have a strong personality isn’t easy, and Guardiola clearly doesn’t know how to do it. Mourinho, on the other hand, can.

      Link to original article: *http://www.elpais.com/articulo/deportes/Guardiola/sabe/gestionar/22/estrellas/Mourinho/elpepidep/20101018elpepidep_19/Tes

      • Kxevin
        October 18, 2010

        In other words, “I’m not the man!”

        • Spiro
          October 18, 2010

          I really doubt anyone can coach our team. Besides if that was possible, we should have won the triplet in 07/08 with roughly the exact same players as we had in the following season.

          • ooga aga
            October 18, 2010

            ibra doesnt sound very bright, does he…

      • jordi(TM)
        October 18, 2010

        Pray tell what the hell he knows about Manchester or Chelsea?Down boy, you didnt worm your way there yet.All in good time though, Mino never rests.

  8. blitzen
    October 18, 2010

    Is anyone actually watching the Hercules-Villareal game? I just checked the halftime score and it sounds like a corker! Worth downloading?

    • Kari
      October 18, 2010

      According to livescore.com, David Trezeguet got a straight red and then a yellow right after.

      /http://www.livescore.com/default.dll/game?comp=spain1&game=438864

      Looks like an entertaining game.

      • blitzen
        October 18, 2010

        How do you get a red and *then* a yellow?

      • Miguel
        October 18, 2010

        he got a red card for talking shit to the ref after one of his team mates got tackled hard by borja valero. the villarreal player was the one that got the yellow card. horrible referee.

        *http://www.fullsportshd.com/fschannel2.htm

        tied 2-2 now

      • Miguel
        October 18, 2010

        ha! now borja valero gets sent off.

        oh shit! and musacchio, too. villarreal down to 9 men in 3 minutes.

  9. Vj
    October 18, 2010

    Looks like a cracker! Villarreal equalise 2-2..

  10. Luna
    October 18, 2010

    thanks for the piece. I needed something humorous to lighten the mood 🙂

  11. stowe
    October 18, 2010

    Rosell makes me worried. how long do we have to deal with him?

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