Curiosport reports that French journalist Besma Lahouri may have uncovered the motive which led former Real Madrid player and French national Zinedine Zidane to head-butt Italy’s Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final. According to Lahouri, the Gallic soccer star had argued with his wife earlier that morning and spent the day quite upset. “In fact,” he reports, “Zidane wasn’t even wearing his wedding ring during the game, as he usually does.” (yahoo.es 10/15/2010)
The 2010 Final featured another incident of soccer violence, when Holland’s Nigel de Jong kicked Xabi Alonso of Spain in the chest. Although de Jong was not reprimanded by game officials, the Terrier’s kung-fu kai-ia sullied the team’s long-standing reputation for clean games beautifully played. Following Lahouri’s shocking report, de Jong’s agent came forward with an explanation for his star’ misbehavior:
“He had just returned from visiting his family and was in a horrible mood,” the agent disclosed. “Apparently some neighbors stopped by to congratulate the family on the Netherland’s semifinal victory and his mother greeted them with ‘Well, we always dreamed Nigel would become a doctor, but the World Cup is fine with us, too’. That made my client very angry.”
“Why does she always say that to people?” the agent added. “First Aunt Gretchen, now the Pommdersloots. Plus she says it like she’s all happy, but you can tell she’s really pissed. Look, Mrs. de Jong, Nigel’s sorry, okay? He failed elementary biology – he’s not going to be a doctor. God. Why can’t she just love him for who he is?”
Alonso’s La Liga is no place for old, weak or otherwise infirm men, however. Aficionados recall Alonso’s teammate Gabriel Heinze and his nasty nuts-kick to Kun Agüero in the 2009 Madrid derby. At the time, the incident was written off as the result of the game’s emotional charge. But now the true reason for Heinze’s cleat clamp on his fellow Argentine has been revealed. According to his secretary, Heinze was simply blowing off steam after a frustrating day at Madrid’s premiere department store, El Corte Inglés.
“El Corte Inglés promises everything,” the spokesperson said. “Outstanding merchandise, a gourmet market, a full-service travel agency and extended hours even through siesta … Well,” she continued, “have you ever tried to buy anything there? No one’s working the registers, because they’re all outside chatting or smoking or having a cafecito, so you have to go up two flights to the only open cashier, and when it’s finally your turn, she tells you that this is Men’s Accessories and in order to buy that Loewe scarf you need to go back to Outerwear. No wonder this economy is in shambles! Gabi should’ve just stolen that cashmere muffler, that’s what he should’ve done.”
One of the most infamous dirty tricks in soccer history is surely Birmingham City’s Martin Taylor and his horrific whack to Arsenal’s Eduardo da Silva in 2008, causing the latter a shattered shinbone and Martin the loss of several lucrative endorsements. Throughout the world, fans shook their heads in disbelief and/or winced in empathetic pain. But this midfield mystery seems to finally have been solved by an unlikely source: the Stadium super.
“I was downstairs moppin’ up all on me tod,” he reports. “And fast, ’cause I like to take a butcher at the field with me mates before the half. And there in the hall was Mr Taylor … poundin’ on the vendin’ machine. ‘Mr Taylor’, I says, ‘can I ‘elp you? ‘Cause he looked to be in a right two and eight. ‘D’ya see this?’ he says, and drags me by me sleeve. Made me drop the broom, he did. ‘Those bloody crisps won’t come out,’ he says. ‘Well, Mr Taylor,’ I says, ‘I can spot you the change.’ And he gets all upset like. He grabs me by me collar, like he’s makin’ to beat me head into the window! ‘Listen here ya peon,’ he says, ‘I makes twice the money that you do. If I wanted to buy a whole truckload a crisps I could!’ And then he storms upstairs without a peep. When I saws what he did I cou’dn’t Adam ‘n’ Eve it!’
The rising popularity of soccer among young girls has increased the competitive nature among female professionals as well. Elizabeth Lambert of New Mexico’s Lobos has gained notoriety for undue aggression on the field. Given the latest trend of ne’er-do-wellers acknowledging the real reason for their wrongdoing, a Los Alamos reporter confronted Lambert at a recent press conference with a photo of her appearing to attack an unsuspecting opponent. Ms Lambert preferred to respond personally:
“Who is that?” she demanded, causing representatives from several local news and sports media outlets to instinctively duck. “Who are you? I don’t even know who you are. Yeah, that’s me. So [expletive] what? Whaddya think, I’m scared of you? I don’t even know who that [expletive] is. Who is that [expletive]? What a loser! You can tell she is a total loser! She lost! She lost and now she’s all saaaad. Boo [expletive] hoo, byotch!”
At which point Ms Lambert pushed aside the microphone and stood up on the folding table, demanding to know if that [expletive] Mia Hamm was present, since she “hates that [expletive] Hamm byotch” and was willing to “slap that byotch” in order to demonstrate her complete indifference to public opinion on the matter.