I’ve been watching the miners emerge from underground and celebrating their survival. It would be hard for me to avoid it and it would be impossible for me to not feel happy about it. It’s one of those universal things: get trapped underground and everyone will root for your survival. The latest survivor, Omar Reygadas, clutched a Colo Colo flag immediately after being rescued. This sport of ours is big, eh?
Scene: Medical offices, Camp Nou. A man sits on a bed while another man sits facing him on a stool.
Dr. Ramon Cugat: Your Achilles is crocked, man.
Xavi: Oh. I wanted to train today.
Cugat: Definitely not! You can’t. Your Achilles has been torn in half. It looks like a lion had a nice, long go at it.
Xavi: So I can’t train today?
Cugat: I’m not sure you heard me. It’s like a weightlifter having no arms. It’s probably time to take a break.
Xavi: Wouldn’t the weightlifter just use his feet?
Cugat: No, no, I’m talking about you.
Xavi: You want me to use my hands? That’s against the rules, doctor.
Cugat: What? No. I’m saying–nevermind. Okay. Here’s the deal. Your Achilles is kaput. You can’t run on it for a while.
Xavi: Okay. Training today will be hard.
Cugat: You can’t train.
Xavi: Okay. I’ll go jogging instead.
Cugat: No! You can’t run!
Xavi: I…I don’t understand.
Cugat: Your Achilles is in the back of your ankle and you know how when you walk or run it hurts?
Cugat: That is bad. Got it?
Xavi: Yes. That is bad.
Cugat: So we’re agreed.
Cugat: Great! [He stands and opens the door] We’ll see you tomorrow to evaluate your progress. How does 9am work for you?
Xavi: I have training.
Cugat: Goddammit. [Begins to shut door, but a man steps into the doorway]
David Villa: Que tal, Doctor. Hello, Cugat.
Xavi: He says I can’t train.
Villa: That’s too bad, what’s wrong?
Xavi: He says my ack-ill-ease is hurting.
Cugat: Your ankle really does hurt!
Villa: Does my ankle hurt?
Cugat: How am I suppose to know–
Xavi: Dad always said to run it off.
Cugat: That doesn’t really work–
Xavi: But then Cugat here told me a little secret.
Villa: [eyes lighting up] He did!?
Cugat: I did?
Xavi: When a weightlifter has no arms, he uses his legs.
Xavi: I know, right?
Cugat: I’m not sure you under–
Villa: Training should go much better today now that we know that.
Xavi: Absolutely. Also, I have to keep lions from biting my ankles.
Cugat: That part, at least, you should be able to handle.
Xavi and Villa: Not with Puyol around!
Cugat: Sigh. Okay, just promise me you won’t train today.
Xavi: Why not?
Cugat: Nevermind. Enjoy training.
Xavi and Villa: Seeya, Cugat. [they leave the room together]
Cugat: What did I do to deserve this?
Xavi: [peeks into room] Oh, hey, I almost forgot: what am I supposed to do about this pain in my ankle?