[There is a lot to take away from Saturday’s match. Leo’s recovery. Mascherano’s quality. Xavi’s absence and Iniesta’s ability. Tiki-taka, shaka-laka. A draw for us and a goleada for Them. But what I loved about Saturday was the opportunity to spend quality time with DooPhil and RayRay, GolTV’s star commentators, who always bring that little extra something … what is it? good-natured idiocy? hyperbolic lunacy? … to my television viewing experience. Their give-and-take is kind of like tiki-taka in Jell-O pudding: a little soft, a little squishy and a little hard not to enjoy in spite of yourself. So here, in honor of our GolGuys, a post. – Ed.]
Phil: Welcome to all of our viewers around the world as we here on GolTV bring you the best in soccer coverage from around the world the world. Today’s match: the Sneezydale Prairie Dogs versus the East Side Katzenjammers.
Ray: It’s gonna be a helluva match, Phil, believe me … these Sneezydogs are salivating to take a beefy bite out of the Katzerjams like a pitbull on a Kardashian! (Can cracks open, slurping noise)
Phil: Well, they don’t travel well, since not all of their moms can make the 2:00 kick-off, but when they do, they do in a big Dodge Caravan thanks to their coach, Pat O’McGillicuddy, former star of the West Towne Mad Daddies.
Ray: A great old club, that’s for sure. You can bet the moldy smell of ancient victory is seeping from unlaundered athletic socks in the back of that Dodge today I tell ya! (Belches)
Phil: And we’re off … Billy kicks it to Jackie, who passes it up to Freddo … and out of bounds for the throw-in by Jackie. Or is that Jamie? What color are the Prairie Dogs wearing? Hold on … (papers ruffling). (Sotto voce) I don’t know if they allow open containers in the grade-school fields, Ray … (normal voice) It’s Jamie!
Ray: (Slurping) That kid’s a star, I tell ya! A seventh-grade supernova who will one day light up our existence brighter than the police sirens flashing in my rearview mirror on the way home from the pub!
Phil: And the first shot by the Prairie Dogs is saved by the goalie’s skinny little white friend, Gerardo Lowenstein.
Ray: Lowenstein, great grandson of the late, great Sean Lowenstein who broke all sorts of records and kneecaps during his tenure with the Lower South Side Kickenballers. Let’s break open this wee tin tubbieman, shall we? (Taps keg)
Phil: You know, watching the give and take of these Dogs, it’s like they’re playing around orange traffic cones instead of Katzenjammers. (Sotto voce) Huh? (Normal voice) Of course, they are using traffic cones to mark the play area, which may be why it looks that way … to me, anyway … but what do I know …
Phil: And a harsh challenge on Billy Smythereens by Rico D’Agostino of the Katzenjammers! Wow, that might be a yellow and a big grounding when he gets home. It looks like little Billy might be out at least until Thanksgiving break.
Ray: Cynical, Phil, a cynical, sardonic, mean-spirited, nihilistic kick to the ankle-sock by D’Agostino, who wears real cleats to the games! (Paper bag crunches open) They’re Big City kids, these Katzenjammers, and they’re used to street games and street fights and ripping out the plumbing in their grandma’s one-room flat in Brooklyn to fight it out on the pitch! (Slurps) They take it ssseriously, man!!
Phil: While we wait for Miss Prisspreem to blow the whistle to start play again, we here at GolTV would like to thank the GolTV Cheerleaders for joining us today, and they send super get-well wishes to their captain Jenni (that’s with an “i”) Pulaski (also, with an “i”) who is home sick with mononucleosis.
Ray: That’s a nasty bug, I tell ya! It’s a virus that snuggles into your tongue and munches on your gums until it works its way down the esophagus and into your bacilli til you puke up your own pus! [Hiccups]
Phil: Yes, it’s also worth noting that Jamie Ingershoffer is also out with mono, that’s a strange coincidence and quite a loss for the Prairie Dogs … oh wait, Jamie’s playing? Who’s out? Who’s in? Who’s on first? Where the hell am I? Hey. Hey! Why do the English-speaking announcers get stuck in BooFoo while the Spanish-speakers get round-trip tickets on Bufana Air? Hey, Alsina! I’m talking to you, you corporate flunkie! (Mutters) Hack. Anyway, Jamie’s sick. I think.
Ray: Ah, he’ll get over it! A proper rock-em-sock-em footballer can go down on the worst of the Jennies and come back up swingin’ pipe he stole from his Brooklyn grandma! (Pounds table) He’ll be back in time for recess tomorrow I tell ya! (Belches)
Phil: Well, all of us who follow football certainly hope so … And it looks like an ambulance is coming for little Billy, who is laying on the field in what appears to be a great deal of pain … Rico D’Agostino, meanwhile, has gotten himself into a shoving match with Jamie Ingerhoffer … Miss Prisspreem is expressing deep disappointment and no post-game sundae at McDonald’s for anyone today …
Ray: (Weeping) I love you, man! (Sniffs) I love you more than Richard and Liz, more than Angie and Brad, more than … more than … Gerard and Piqué, man, I mean it now … give us a hug …
Phil: Um, Pablo? Can you get him … okay, yeah. Well, here’s from all of us at GolTV …
Phil: … wishing you a good weekend. Catch us tomorrow at 7 p.m. Eastern with La Little League-A, here on GolTV.