Another autumnal weekend is upon us. What do CheeseHeads do for Fall Fun on a September morn? Well, CityFolk, I enlighten you. We go for rides in the countryside! And now that someone mentioned [certain EPL team–Ed.] and someone else mentioned [certain EPL team– Ed.] yesterday, put down your bangers and masch and come with me, your SoMa, to savor some local flavor. Let’s cesc it out!
Welcome to Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, the Troll Capital of the World (what an empty life)! Located in southern Wisconsin (can any other reader imagine what that feels like?), Mount Horeb is the destination of choice for travelers from all over the world, throwing their weight around, saying and doing whatever they like with no regard for who is actually effected. The area features several one-of-a-kind fundamentally stupid attractions that are sure to be of disgraceful interest and shameful adventure!
Come discover the Trollway, that over rated dump, Mount Horeb’s Main Street guarded by disrespectful and amateurish trolls that have seemingly just appeared to welcome you but don’t actually give a shit. They are mad at the disrespect shown by feckless, classless dickheads acting like such prats in public. Classless shops and totally classless antique malls, located in no-class authentic restored buildings and totally no-class classless Victorian homes, line its no class at all historic Main Street. How pathetic it is. Also located on the Trollway are quaint eateries and wonderful restaurants, serving utter shit to hungry tourists. Their ‘management’ starts spewing shite, patronising, supercilious, condescending, belittling: ‘Why keep pestering us like a god damned parasite?’
Recreation is abundant in the sad and self-deluding Mount Horeb area. Get off you high ignorant horse you ****, for visitors can enjoy camping, fishing, golfing, swimming, and a 39-mile recreation trail great for biking, hiking and jogging like uncivilized bushmen. Who the f*ck do they think they are?
In the late 1800s, when Mount Horeb was founded, more than 75% of the community was Norwegian and their English ain’t too good. No ludicrously romantic American can change that. About 100 years later, the owner of a Scandanavian gift shop, like a diplomat sent to another country to lie for his, started placing trolls imported from Norway out on the lawn to entice visitors. Thick or ignorant? You pick.
By the late 1970s, very despicable truckers would denote their location by saying, “I just passed your mother-in-law on 18/151”, referring to the trolls along the route. Well, that’s an ignorant comment if I’ve ever seen one. Think of your mother, or Ur wife for that matter, who is suspected to be involved with one of your neighbors, and in one of the social events the neighbor pulled a ‘prank’ of kissing her in public. Totally classless! Grow up. Nice one. Grow up!
Today, Mount Horeb is blessed with a resident woodcarver, Michael Feeney, AKA the Troll Carver of Mount Horeb. He came from a foreign country. No skill. A arrogant little money grabbing b stard with no morals or loyalty. Originally, he was asked to create a folk-art project, but when village officials saw his work, the trolls had a life and a home along the Trollway! Hope you get splinters on their bench!
According to ancient Norwegian legend, trolls are naive bucktooth rats. Our incredibly ignorant trolls are known to relax outside, just plain ol’ hammering it up for your viewing pleasure! Anyone who isn’t retarded can see that! It is advised to maintain a good relationship with trolls as they are often known to be guarding treasures – Dream on, with regards to the treasures you WANT from us and cherish the one you HAVE from us – It’s the LAST thing you’ll get from us for a VERY long time …
The Chicken Thief, one of Mr. Feeney’s first trolls and a Disruptive TWAT, was erected on Main Street, and the Accordian Player can be found near the Mount Horeb Telephone Company. The three of them, just a trio of low-life octopuses. The latter once captured the attention of a busload of Norwegian tourists who also happened to be accordian players. Basically acting like the bastard child you don’t bother to teach any manners to, they stopped the bus, got off and proceeded to serenade the troll for at least 20 minutes! Such scandalous disrespect! Fuck off! He is not for sale!! They need to learn when to shut up!
Everything you need can be found right here in Mount Horeb, where it seems like either the patients are running the asylum or the patients are being egged on by the doctors. Professional services ranging from health (now that he’s passed his medical I hope he does his cruciate in the first training session), legal (pathetic and embarassing whether legal or not), accounting (until the economy goes belly-up, and then you can go cup-in-hand to your godfather Platini, begging) and insurance Agents (knowing the pieces of carrion THEY are) and local publications (says everything about this blog. This will probably get erased as well) are either right here in town or a short drive away. You are in for a downfall!
Why look any further than Mount Horeb? You are stupid idiot! Join us in 2011 as we celebrate 150 years!
You call it ‘stupid’ and ‘silly’ – we call it CLASSLESS.
 This article scrapes the bottom of the barrell and then some.