Travellin’ Down the Trollway [1]

Another autumnal weekend is upon us. What do CheeseHeads do for Fall Fun on a September morn? Well, CityFolk, I enlighten you. We go for rides in the countryside! And now that someone mentioned [certain EPL team–Ed.] and someone else mentioned [certain EPL team– Ed.] yesterday, put down your bangers and masch and come with me, your SoMa, to savor some local flavor. Let’s cesc it out!

Welcome to Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, the Troll Capital of the World (what an empty life)! Located in southern Wisconsin (can any other reader imagine what that feels like?), Mount Horeb is the destination of choice for travelers from all over the world, throwing their weight around, saying and doing whatever they like with no regard for who is actually effected. The area features several one-of-a-kind fundamentally stupid attractions that are sure to be of disgraceful interest and shameful adventure!

Come discover the Trollway, that over rated dump, Mount Horeb’s Main Street guarded by disrespectful and amateurish trolls that have seemingly just appeared to welcome you but don’t actually give a shit. They are mad at the disrespect shown by feckless, classless dickheads acting like such prats in public. Classless shops and totally classless antique malls, located in no-class authentic restored buildings and totally no-class classless Victorian homes, line its no class at all historic Main Street. How pathetic it is. Also located on the Trollway are quaint eateries and wonderful restaurants, serving utter shit to hungry tourists. Their ‘management’ starts spewing shite, patronising, supercilious, condescending, belittling: ‘Why keep pestering us like a god damned parasite?’

Recreation is abundant in the sad and self-deluding Mount Horeb area. Get off you high ignorant horse you ****, for visitors can enjoy camping, fishing, golfing, swimming, and a 39-mile recreation trail great for biking, hiking and jogging like uncivilized bushmen. Who the f*ck do they think they are?

In the late 1800s, when Mount Horeb was founded,  more than 75% of the  community was Norwegian and their English ain’t too good. No ludicrously romantic American can change that. About 100 years later, the owner of a Scandanavian gift shop, like a diplomat sent to another country to lie for his, started placing trolls imported from Norway out on the lawn to entice visitors. Thick or ignorant? You pick.

By the late 1970s, very despicable truckers would denote their location by saying, “I just passed your mother-in-law on 18/151”, referring to the trolls along the route. Well, that’s an ignorant comment if I’ve ever seen one. Think of your mother, or Ur wife for that matter, who is suspected to be involved with one of your neighbors, and in one of the social events the neighbor pulled a ‘prank’ of kissing her in public. Totally classless! Grow up. Nice one. Grow up!

Today, Mount Horeb is blessed with a resident woodcarver, Michael Feeney, AKA the Troll Carver of Mount Horeb. He came from a foreign country. No skill. A  arrogant little money grabbing b stard with no morals or loyalty. Originally, he was asked to create a folk-art project, but when village officials saw his work, the trolls had a life and a home along the Trollway! Hope you get splinters on their bench!

According to ancient Norwegian legend, trolls are naive bucktooth rats. Our incredibly ignorant trolls are known to relax outside, just plain ol’ hammering it up for your viewing pleasure! Anyone who isn’t retarded can see that! It is advised to maintain a good relationship with trolls as they are often known to be guarding treasures – Dream on, with regards to the treasures you WANT from us and cherish the one you HAVE from us – It’s the LAST thing you’ll get from us for a VERY long time

The Chicken Thief, one of Mr. Feeney’s first trolls and a Disruptive TWAT, was erected on Main Street, and the Accordian Player can be found near the Mount Horeb Telephone Company. The three of themjust a trio of low-life octopuses. The latter once captured the attention of a busload of Norwegian tourists who also happened to be accordian players. Basically acting like the bastard child you don’t bother to teach any manners to, they stopped the bus, got off and proceeded to serenade the troll for at least 20 minutes! Such scandalous disrespect! Fuck off! He is not for sale!! They need to learn when to shut up!

Everything you need can be found right here in Mount Horeb, where it seems like either the patients are running the asylum or the patients are being egged on by the doctors. Professional services ranging from health (now that he’s passed his medical I hope he does his cruciate in the first training session), legal (pathetic and embarassing whether legal or not), accounting (until the economy goes belly-up, and then you can go cup-in-hand to your godfather Platini, begging) and insurance Agents (knowing the pieces of carrion THEY are) and local publications (says everything about this blog. This will probably get erased as well) are either right here in town or a short drive away. You are in for a downfall!

Why look any further than Mount Horeb? You are stupid idiot! Join us in 2011 as we celebrate 150 years!

You call it ‘stupid’ and ‘silly’ – we call it CLASSLESS.

[1] This article scrapes the bottom of the barrell and then some.

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Written by:

SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. Diego S.
    September 16, 2010

    Mark My Words SoMa !!! One Day, I’ll understand what you’re saying.

    • ElShowDeJason
      September 16, 2010

      Think of a nice article describing a town, or, um… a Football club.

      Now, imagine if some random visitors walked through, and started chaning the words on the discription to something a little less flattering. (and maybe those words are italicized. This post is that article.)

      (SoMa, is this anywere close to correct?)

  2. blitzen
    September 16, 2010

    SoMa. I think I love you. 😀

  3. Dave
    September 16, 2010

    Tip of my tongue this post 🙂

    Metaphors and analogies abound. I’m guessing Mount Horeb is A)a certain English club or b)this blog for attracting trolls

    A mighty fine post-

  4. Bill
    September 16, 2010

    Ever been in a situation where people are talking in another language, and you don’t understand what they are saying but you think you are being insulted? I feel like I’m being insulted here, did you say something about my Mama SoMa? 🙂 🙂 🙂

  5. Lev
    September 16, 2010

    lol the poor people of Mount Horeb, WI (all 5860 of ’em) will never know what hit ’em. I hold Arsenal fans responsible for this terrific post, SoMa!

    • Lev
      September 16, 2010

      btw what’s scary about this post is that she called it traveling down the trollway pt. 1 LOL

  6. Eklavya
    September 16, 2010

    You’re reading something. Something that you think you understand, but you can’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter…because IT’S STILL FREAKIN’ AWESOME!!! 😀 😀

  7. Josep
    September 16, 2010

    haha oh Wisconsin, only Ohio is a worse state than you.

    • Lev
      September 16, 2010

      I’ll raise you an Iowa (actually quite like Ohio, can think of at least 10 states I like less)

    • BlaugranaDOOM
      September 16, 2010

      Really? Wisconsin doesn’t even make the bottom 30. Just a random, off the top of my head list:

      1. Texas
      2. Oklahoma
      3. Mississippi
      4. Alabama
      5. S. Dakota
      6. Kentucky

      This would really take too long. Suffice to say, I disagree.

  8. Helge
    September 16, 2010

    Sounds like you had a lot of fun in this commercialized paradise for trolls 😉
    Stop the abuse of cultural assets!!! (is that supposed to be the meaning of this publication?)

  9. Kari
    September 16, 2010

    I have a man crush on SoMa

    That is all.

  10. Kxevin
    September 16, 2010

    Holy crap. And here I was, thinking the philosophers post was the ne plus ultra. I’m wrong again.

    The work that went into this post is staggering. For those who aren’t yet with the troll-gram, the italicized quotes are from trollers who visited this space, ranting about various things Fabregasian, or fiscal, or whatever.

    I am absolutely floored.

    • Lev
      September 16, 2010

      Yeah I was wondering whether she was quoting our very own trolls lol.

    • Helge
      September 16, 2010

      ah… now I start to understand 🙂

  11. blitzen
    September 16, 2010

    I keep coming back to read this again. My co-workers are staring at me because I can’t stop laughing!

  12. ElShowDeJason
    September 16, 2010

    Awesome read.
    thank you!

  13. Kari
    September 16, 2010 is joining in the Hate Campaign by twisting and insinuating things.

    According to them, Messi is “frustrated” about Fabregas staying at Arsenal “every year”.

    However, Arsenal remained steadfast in their refusal to sell their skipper and Messi appeared frustrated that a deal failed to materialize.

    “I don’t know. Every year it is the same, it looks like he is joining us and then he stays with Arsenal,” Messi told Sky Sports News.

    But here’s the thing. I went directly to the source and this is what he actually said to Sky Sports:

    “Messi, who starred in Barcelona’s 5-1 defeat of Panathinaikos on Tuesday, was remaining tight-lipped on his club’s pursuit of the brilliant Spaniard.

    “I don’t know. Every year it looks as though he will go to Barcelona but for the moment he stays at Arsenal,”,19528,11827_6378848,00.html

    I can’t believe this. This is really going too far. I know this is, but what the f***.

    • vincent
      September 16, 2010

      yeah, and i saw some foreign newspaper reporting the same thing. it really destroys the club’s image.

      on other news, patetico lost 1-0 in their uefa league match. reserving key players for the weekend?

      • Vj
        September 16, 2010

        Na, just plain and simple Pathetico..

  14. Vj
    September 16, 2010

    Simply Awesome! Just one question, which one of the trolls is ye ol’ Queenie?

    • September 16, 2010

      Damn. Might have to burn my Giuly Barca shirt (still the only player shirt that I have).

  15. September 16, 2010

    wow, seldom hear rants from SoMa. But this has to be the strongest ever rant I have ever seen here. It involves your mother, your wife, their affair with other people, some dickheads, woodcarver, chicken thief, Norwegian tourists and more… How I wish to understand every metaphor. 🙂

  16. Helge
    September 16, 2010

    by the by, am I the only one who can see a similarity between Mount Horeb and Mount Hleb? 😀

    • Eklavya
      September 16, 2010

      Nope. I “felt” that straight away, too…

  17. September 16, 2010

    Soccerma you are batting way above your average on this blog lol, their are readers that will come back to this 10 times and still have no idea whats going on, I am glad I am on the 6 year college plan, I only had to read it twice, think about it, and read it again before I could crack an awe inspired smile at your amazing piece.

    • blitzen
      September 16, 2010

      Hell, I got it the first time through, but I’ve been back at least 10 times just to revisit the brilliance. I have seriously been giggling over this all day.

      SoMa, you Disruptive TWAT! This is a disgrace! 😀

  18. vicsoc8
    September 16, 2010

    I said the trolling going on here was a complete waste of time.

    I was wrong.

  19. jose89
    September 16, 2010

    brilliant post. was it that hard to understand though? “certain epl team” at the beginning of the post, “lets cesc it out,” etc

    i’m glad i also guessed that those are in fact REAL troller comments… some of them are pretty harsh!

    • Vj
      September 16, 2010

      I was clueless till the end, but this kind of gave it away – “until the economy goes belly-up, and then you can go cup-in-hand to your godfather Platini, begging”

      Epic compilation of tosh handed out to us!

  20. barcapanda
    September 16, 2010

    This is the coolest post ever! I used to live not too far from Mount Horeb (for realz) and the synthesis of Wisconsin lore and making fun of certain EPL trolls is practically my personal definition of awesome (other than Xavi, of course). Thanks, SoMa!!

    • ooga aga
      September 16, 2010

      your name backwards is “ad nap a crab”

  21. ElShowDeJason
    September 16, 2010

    wow… The Barca offside really hasn’t recovered. I think this post has more comments than the offside has has in the last month.

    • Kxevin
      September 16, 2010

      It is unfortunate. There should be room for everyone, as long as they acknowledge that we freakin’ RULE! 😀

      And I’m only partly kidding. I think that our combination of coverage of important news, previews, reviews, analysis and entertainment, from Isaiah’s Banquillos to SoMa’s genius visitations, coupled with the commentary that raises the bar for the authors and guests, makes this space nonpareil, in my opinion.

      • jose89
        September 16, 2010

        barca @ theoffside was good when you guys were writing over there, haha.

        although i think at this point, the overall quality of this blog (writers, regulars, guests, community, etc) has surpassed that of the pre-bfb offside days.

        great work everybody

  22. Miguel
    September 16, 2010

    captured the chaos & confusion when this blog entertains company beautifully, somama.

    fear not for me barca maniacs:

    “On or after September 30, 2010 the following services will be added […] Big Ten Network HD, channel 393; Fox Soccer Channel HD, channel 394; Fox Soccer Plus HD, channel 395; Gol TV HD, channel 396; Galavision HD, channel 397; HBO Latino HD, channel 398”


    “According to ABC’s press release, the new deal includes:
    * The addition of ESPN Deportes HD to Time Warner Cable’s larger footprint; the launch of ESPN 3D to Time Warner Cable and Bright House Networks’ systems; a Time Warner Cable/ESPN Deportes co-branded, Spanish language sports website in Los Angeles.”

    now i just gotta clear some space on my dvr.

    • Larm
      September 16, 2010

      so i have verizon does that mean i will be getting those channels in hd? i already have the hd sports package.

  23. SoccerMom
    September 16, 2010

    Aw shucks y’all I can’t take the credit for this post.
    I didn’t write a word of it.

    • ooga aga
      September 16, 2010

      i guessed that. i could tell you spliced a news article/town promo piece with troller quotes.

      yet your synthesis is original and artful. this type of juxtaposition is art. like a hip hop DJ splicing samples from old R&B/funk tracks.

      • September 16, 2010

        Exactly. Greg Gillis (aka Girl Talk) is huge because of how he mixes the work of others to create amazing new blends. As a riding partner says, “Humility is for the untalented.” 😀

        • vicsoc8
          September 16, 2010

          A Girl Talk concert in Nashville was one of the most insane nights I’ve ever had. Suffice to say so many people got on stage that we broke the waterline directly under the stage and were forced to evacuate after only an hour and a half. The owner of the venue swore he would never invite Gillis back.

    • mei
      September 16, 2010

      Their paths look similar , dont they.
      But they are also very different.
      While their goal ratio , both , has been remarkably high , especially at top level football. messi does much more than hitting the back of the net.
      Things like tracking back , passing more and more accurately/creatively , assisting , creating space for his teammates.Things that a pure 9 like ronaldo very rarely , if ever did.
      Also , messi has already had his fair share of “freak” injuries while being intergrated into the first team. While their duration comparing to ronaldo’s is lower , he might just have learnt how to take his body seriously and deal with it .

    • vicsoc8
      September 16, 2010

      I hate that Messi went to England for this nonsense publicity stunt today, it really is annoying.

      That said, Messi has something that Ronaldo didn’t have at this point in his career: stability. Not only that, but he is surrounded by people who are invested in him not just professionally but also personally. I’m sure his teammates, Pep, and other Barcelona personnel are making sure that he doesn’t overextend himself, and more importantly that he is still enjoying his football.

      We often forget how much a players’ happiness can impact on their performance. It’s why I always cringed when Messi went to play for Argentina under Maradona. It’s also why Cristiano hasn’t been as effective for Portugal or Madrid lately – no doubt he is a great player, but without Ferguson there to keep his attitude in check and keep him happy he just hasn’t been performing as well.

      Messi is incredibly driven, but I also think he is grounded enough, and in a good enough situation that burnout isn’t a terrible danger.

    September 16, 2010

    ronaldo was a striker!how can anyone compare him with leo?i am watching 20years football and leo is the best player i have see.before i don.t know,i never see pele,croyf,d stefano e.t.c..but people will say the same:if he will not win A W.C he will not be pele or maradona..but i don.t care.i just thank leo who is here and that generation has the opportunity to watch him.and is not a brazilian to go down like ronaldo,ronaldinio.

    • Kxevin
      September 16, 2010

      Read the piece again. The author is talking about the extra-football things that can burn out a player as surely as playing too many matches. Everybody wants a piece of the mega-watt superstar, from organizers of friendlies that link fees paid to Messi appearances, to personal sponsors. The challenge will be balancing all of those demands with his day job, so to speak.

      • blitzen
        September 16, 2010

        Well we already saw Leo being *forced* to play in Korea even though he was jet-lagged and not match-fit after his post-WC vacation. Pep tried to refuse to play him and almost caused an international incident. Messi being Messi, he was happy to play and gave a good show, but Pep was caught between protecting the health of his player (and how that would affect the whole team) and meeting obligations imposed by financial considerations.

        Sports these days are so commercialized it is impossible to get away from, but there has to be a point at which the needs of the individual player and the team they play for takes precedence over marketing concerns, or why bother in the first place?

        • Helge
          September 17, 2010

          There’s really a huge similarity between Messi and Ronaldo’s development, at least in the advertizing world. Messi is doing LOTS of commercials, and I really wonder why he accepts more and more of those and some stupid PR deals. He doesn’t seem to be the guy looking for advertence off the pitch, he is the complete opposite of Crynaldo (I know this is about Ronaldo, just want to make clear that it’s easier to understand CRs appearances in the commercials and PR stunts). Neither is he living a luxurious way of life; those of you who have seen the France Football reporters entering his house for the Ballon d’Or handover will agree that he’s not living in a “MTV Cribs”-like Villa.

          So… is he in the same situation as Ronaldo was? That is, has he made a long-term contract with several PR partners and companies that now forces him to do all this shit?
          You mentioned the match in South Korea, although the Ronaldo story isn’t resolved yet, I think that he also had to play matches with injury under the pressure of Nike. The danger for Messi to be worn out by all these PR events does exist. Let’s just hope that Messi can take it.

          Maybe his character is more stabilized and he is a more responsible and mature person than Ronaldo has been, I mean has Ronaldo been so much into charity at the age of 23? And how was his private life, I’m too young to have followed off the pitch behaviour from R9. Was he a party beast???

    September 16, 2010

    and i watch the pathetico game..this team is shit.i don.t care if they don.t had aguero and some changes and what.their perfomance was a shame for spanish football.against a team with players good for thelta,xerez.e.t.c.the scorer was xavito a player from our academy!24y now!haha!

    September 16, 2010

    and something last!douglas costa is a fucking great prospect!good job clueless jhon i think you named him days ago!

    September 16, 2010

    something last too(haha i am sorry)!in 96-97 season ronaldo was amazing but some problems between the board and his agents make him go..if he stayed i am sure barca had won more C.L those years..luck was.n.t with us!

  28. blitzen
    September 16, 2010

    I just have to share that tonight I preordered one of the red warm-up shirts with the Catalan armband. I needed that shirt in my life. They will be available in early October. Can’t wait!

    Off to bed, so I leave you with a nice link to a Thierry Henry video, highlights of his time with Barca and Arsenal, and a very catchy song to boot:

    • blitzen
      September 17, 2010

      Why is my comment awaiting moderation? Did I do something wrong?

  29. IS
    September 17, 2010

    ONE QUESTION: When are we gonna be compiling all of SoMa’s posts into a book?

  30. September 17, 2010

    So bestimmt.. Meine Ex-Frau ist gerade in Long Island, in meinem Ex-Haus mit meinem Ex-Hund.

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