Highly placed sources tell me a confidential agreement has been negotiated between Arsenal and Barcelona for the transfer of Cesc Fabregas. These sources, speaking on condition of anonymity because this is an ongoing negotiation and “is Super Top Secret stuff”, confirmed that the Arsenal captain’s transfer will take place “in the future maybe” and will include an amount of money “larger or smaller than expected.”
In order to maintain the confidentiality of the agreement, the contract was drawn up in invisible ink. In fact, the details of this agreement are so secret that, in order to maintain the veil drawn across the negotiations, even the parties involved are not sure of them. A further failsafe was put in place when the document was written in code and only those with the proper rings will be able to decipher it. Even then, they’ll have to immerse the contract in a special liquid capable of showing the invisible ink, the recipe for which is found only in a locked vault in an undisclosed location presumed to be the inner sanctum of the Knights Templar. This process will be undertaken at the appropriate date, which was also written in invisible ink, tied to a brick, and dropped in the Thames so as to be completely impossible to find and publish in Spanish sports dailies.
One source, speaking confidentially (and whispering in order to make it more chilling), mentioned that Sport and El Mundo Deportivo are getting too close to the truth and they must be stopped at all costs. “The truth is that Wenger stands at his sink all day washing his hands and muttering, ‘Out, out, damned rumors,’ while Rosell and Sepp Blatter cackle madly together in the belfry of the highest tower of La Sagrada Familia. Shit, don’t print that, okay? They’d kill me if they knew I’d said anything.” He then looked around furtively, pulled on the hood of his cloak, and slunk off into the murky darkness of the deserted alleyway in Bangkok where we had agreed to meet.