Should YOU Have More Fun?

Hola, B´FooBers, and greetings from sunny Spain!

The transfer market is as hot as a Sevillian sidewalk, pre-season has kicked its first balls and would-be medallists are flying off to Río. Yet all anyone talks about here is The Hair. `El chico dorado´, read the headlines. ´Un top look por un top player´. It´s as if Sport has morphed into People en Español.

sergio ramos blonde

I would shrug this off as a summer thing, a fleeting fling with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide after one too many Estrella Damms. Hey, who hasn´t been there? Good times! But the New Do has become increasingly, disturbingly common. It´s like, wow, that dude´s got blonde hair. Just like … Beckham. Or Ramsey. Or … oh, I can`t go on.

Now, the Earth has not inverted its magnetic poles. Barcelona won its match against Glasgow. Messi played only in the first half, but not because Luis Enrique was too embarrassed to send him out again after halftime. Goals were scored by Turan, Cámara and Munir, but not because Gordon fell off the line in a fit of giggles. No one received a card for teasing, imitating, or bullying anyone with a can of Sun-In in his gym bag.

bieber blondeAnd that´s exactly what I´m afraid of. That fellow football fans, even —gasp!– my dear B´FooBers, will wake up and think, ¨Hey. Maybe it´s not such a bad idea after all. Perhaps I, too, can rock the golden locks.¨ But before you ask your little sister how many boxes of Nice´N´Easy Honey Blonde you need to filch from the chemist, ask yourself the following question: Truly, should I really have more fun? Would it make me more Becks … or Biebs? Let´s find out.

1. People know your name from …

marlenea. ¨Vogue¨ by Madonna.

b. The concert flyer on the dorm bulletin board.

c. The back of your shirt.

2. You spent your formative years …

a. On set, with a tutor.

b. In your mom´s basement, with a bong.

c. In an athletic boarding academy, without your parents.

3. Your preferred body art is …colin ferrell

a. Penciled-in eyebrows.

b. A bandana.

c. Tattoos in a language you don´t understand.

4. You daydream about yourself clutching a little gold …

a. Dude.

b. Disc.

c. Shoe.

5. Your biggest fans are …carole lombard

a. Drag queens.

b. Pre-teens.

c. Senior citizens.

6. When you ¨keep it real¨, you play …

a. A consumptive.

b. Acoustic.

c. A regional competition with your national squad.

7. When you sell out, you make …

adam levinea. A screwball comedy.

b. An appearance on ¨The Voice¨.

c. A Frito-Lays commercial.

8. Everyone you know, it seems, has slept with …

a. John F. Kennedy.

b. Orlando Bloom.

c. Irina Shayk.

james blonde9. You secretly believe that … is overrated.

a. Bette.

b. Blake.

c. James.

10. When you ¨need some rest,¨ you check into …

a. A cabana at the Beverly Hills.

b. Rehab.

c. Yachting.

Analysis. If your answers are mostly …

a. You are a Screen Goddess from Hollywood´s Golden Era. You spend your evenings dancing at the Stork Club and mornings lounging in a feathered peignoir  emotionally abusing your family members. It is perfectly acceptable for your hairdresser to gild your halo, but you require no one´s permission to do what you damn well please.

b. You are a Pop Culture Phenomenon. You spend your evenings trying to get in to whatever club is white-hot before anyone even knows it exists (River @ ViperRoom no, Blondie @ CBGB sí sí) and your mornings selfie-ing your toweled torso in a shaving mirror. I´m going to advise you against the white-hot hair trend. I know, Gwen and Beyoncé and all that but, really. Remember Brad Pitt as Achilles? And he already was blonde!

c. You are a Professional Soccer Player.

No.  the hair

No, really. No.

Nope.

Just … no.

 

 

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Recent Posts

Written by:

SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.

12 Comments

  1. MSN
    August 2, 2016

    Hahahahaha. Funny text 😀

    Personally, I like blonde Messi. Made his beard look better than it was before.

    • G6O
      August 2, 2016

      The picture is priceless too

  2. Jim
    August 2, 2016

    A good read and I’m sure an amusing one, soccer mom but what would your analysis be for someone who can’t answer any of the three categories in any of the questions, doesn’t understand any of the cultural allusions and no longer has the option of dyeing his hair anything ? 🙂

  3. SoccerMom
    August 2, 2016

    I guess like a mom I miss the little funny looking dude with the shaggy hair. Actually, now that I think about it, I miss all the little shaggy soccer dudes. Now everyone is all edgy and stuff.

    Jim, I recommend to you standing over a city sidewalk grate in flowy white dress singing “(I can’t get no) Satisfaction” while wearing a wig. Glad I could clear that up for you!

    See you in the Supercopa, suckas!

    • Jim
      August 2, 2016

      I’m on it ! I suppose twerking would be a touch too far ?

    • dl
      August 2, 2016

      Ha!
      Nearly spit up my camomile tea!

      More from Soccermom. Haven’t seen you around here lately!

  4. ooga aga
    August 2, 2016

    Bravo! Otra vez! Always a good day when soccermom comes around.

  5. Manita2010
    August 2, 2016

    A very crazy thought guys, A move for Balotelli do you think it will work ? can Barca and Lucho tame him? somehow i have the feeling that Balo has learnt his lessons and feeling remorseful and he won’t like to prove himself with the next opportunity that he gets.

    • dl
      August 3, 2016

      As you say, “a very crazy thought”.
      No, I do not think it could work.
      No, neither Barca nor Lucho could tame him.

  6. TITO
    August 3, 2016

    25 millions euros for Jesse!?!?!?!? Really?!??!
    And we cannot sell anyone this season.

    • Messiah10
      August 5, 2016

      To be fair, Jesé has huge upside. I liked him a lot as a player. Even if he did wear white. I think he would’ve progressed more already if he’d been given more playing time and not rode the bench based on someone else’s transfer fee & wages. He moves without the ball extremely well and makes fantastic runs. A decent size target in the box and very intelligent. I would have no problem paying €25 for him.

  7. Miguel
    August 7, 2016

    Every time I see Messi about to take on a defender now I picture him as Zack Morris doing that thing where he freezes time.

    “Hey, Preppy!-….” *aside*

Comments are closed.