Hola, B´FooBers, and greetings from sunny Spain!
The transfer market is as hot as a Sevillian sidewalk, pre-season has kicked its first balls and would-be medallists are flying off to Río. Yet all anyone talks about here is The Hair. `El chico dorado´, read the headlines. ´Un top look por un top player´. It´s as if Sport has morphed into People en Español.
I would shrug this off as a summer thing, a fleeting fling with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide after one too many Estrella Damms. Hey, who hasn´t been there? Good times! But the New Do has become increasingly, disturbingly common. It´s like, wow, that dude´s got blonde hair. Just like … Beckham. Or Ramsey. Or … oh, I can`t go on.
Now, the Earth has not inverted its magnetic poles. Barcelona won its match against Glasgow. Messi played only in the first half, but not because Luis Enrique was too embarrassed to send him out again after halftime. Goals were scored by Turan, Cámara and Munir, but not because Gordon fell off the line in a fit of giggles. No one received a card for teasing, imitating, or bullying anyone with a can of Sun-In in his gym bag.
And that´s exactly what I´m afraid of. That fellow football fans, even —gasp!– my dear B´FooBers, will wake up and think, ¨Hey. Maybe it´s not such a bad idea after all. Perhaps I, too, can rock the golden locks.¨ But before you ask your little sister how many boxes of Nice´N´Easy Honey Blonde you need to filch from the chemist, ask yourself the following question: Truly, should I really have more fun? Would it make me more Becks … or Biebs? Let´s find out.
1. People know your name from …
a. ¨Vogue¨ by Madonna.
b. The concert flyer on the dorm bulletin board.
c. The back of your shirt.
2. You spent your formative years …
a. On set, with a tutor.
b. In your mom´s basement, with a bong.
c. In an athletic boarding academy, without your parents.
3. Your preferred body art is …
a. Penciled-in eyebrows.
b. A bandana.
c. Tattoos in a language you don´t understand.
4. You daydream about yourself clutching a little gold …
5. Your biggest fans are …
a. Drag queens.
c. Senior citizens.
6. When you ¨keep it real¨, you play …
a. A consumptive.
c. A regional competition with your national squad.
7. When you sell out, you make …
a. A screwball comedy.
b. An appearance on ¨The Voice¨.
c. A Frito-Lays commercial.
8. Everyone you know, it seems, has slept with …
a. John F. Kennedy.
b. Orlando Bloom.
c. Irina Shayk.
9. You secretly believe that … is overrated.
10. When you ¨need some rest,¨ you check into …
a. A cabana at the Beverly Hills.
Analysis. If your answers are mostly …
a. You are a Screen Goddess from Hollywood´s Golden Era. You spend your evenings dancing at the Stork Club and mornings lounging in a feathered peignoir emotionally abusing your family members. It is perfectly acceptable for your hairdresser to gild your halo, but you require no one´s permission to do what you damn well please.
b. You are a Pop Culture Phenomenon. You spend your evenings trying to get in to whatever club is white-hot before anyone even knows it exists (River @ ViperRoom no, Blondie @ CBGB sí sí) and your mornings selfie-ing your toweled torso in a shaving mirror. I´m going to advise you against the white-hot hair trend. I know, Gwen and Beyoncé and all that but, really. Remember Brad Pitt as Achilles? And he already was blonde!
c. You are a Professional Soccer Player.
No, really. No.
Just … no.