The Most Definitive Champions League Preview Ever

You may not realize it yet, but this is the beginning of something special. I don’t mean there’s some budding bromance within the squad or that Crackovia has finally found a way to really make fun of Arda Turan that doesn’t involve throwing shoes. It’s the Champions League group stage! And I’m here with a rundown of all of Barcelona’s opponents, because that is basically the entirety of my job description here.

Bayer Leverkusen:

If you’re looking for a worse case of the trophy yips, you’ll be hard pressed to find one than “Neverkusen,” something that you may or may not want to bring up if you’re ever in mouthful of a German state known as North Rhine-Westphalia. Or standing in front of Michael Ballack in your (first) triplete shirt. Also, there’s Stefan Kießling, their Gumby-sized and shaped forward who seems like he’s been around forever even though he’s really only 31. You may remember him from being de-Jong-ed by Thiago Alcantara last season. Or you may remember him being a kind of gigantic hobbit. There’s even a regular podcast about them called Neverkusen; at least they’ve accepted themselves.

Roma:

Did you know that ROMA spelled backwards is AMOR? It is! It’s true. It’s all true. Some guy named Luis Enrique managed them a few years ago. They had Bojan. Also this happened one time.

BATE Borisov:

HLEBBEDAGAIN

 

 

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Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.

3 Comments

  1. Davour
    August 27, 2015

    The incestous notion of the professional football carousel always guarantees there will be some kind of clash, homecoming or revenge… The opportunity of a lifetime for ol’ Hleb!

  2. Tata2
    August 28, 2015

    off topic… I watched the uefa awards ceremony and from the way messi was acting, it felt like he could actually understand English. Is this suspicion true and can he speak English?

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