Ri-FI-FA!

On May 20, 2015, US Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch declared charges against fourteen FIFA officials, media managers and marketing executives, while federal and interpol agents swooped down upon organizational hubs from Miami to Zurich. Admist the scandal, Sepp Blatter has resigned as president of the organization, mere days after his re-election.

My fellow Americans, who were anticipating legal action against, oh, I don’t know, police brutality, anti-gay discrimination, warrant-less data searches, etc., etc., were stunned.

seanAfter all, as right-wing über-citizen Sean Hannity put it on his June 1 radio show: “I don’t like soccer. I just don’t” (1). Hannity went on to mispronounce FIFA as ‘fie-fa’. Just to show he don’t know.

The rest of the English-speaking media, meanwhile, rushed à la clusterfoo to the airwaves, desperate to explain why Americans shouldn’t switch the channel from C-SPAN to “CSI: Podunk” in terms we can understand – entertainment!

FAI chief John Delaney has been widely quoted: “it all seems like something out of a Mafia movie” (1). On “The PBS Newshour,” Roger Bennett likened the investigation to the pursuit of drug kingpin Avon Barksdale in HBO’s gritty cop drama, “The Wire” (2). Matt Slater of the BBC acknowledged the “Shakespearean quality” of Lance Armstrong’s doped-up downfall (3), but agreed with The L.A. Times’ Nathan Fenno that the FIFA arrests came as a “global surprise” (4), while the USA Today editorial board decreed that the scandal outright “flattens any old Deflategate” over Super Bowl quarterback Tom Brady’s under-aired footballs  (5).the wire

Now, you may ask: “Which is happening? What channel am I looking at? Are these multi-billionare moguls mere mob mooks, or members of ruthless street gangs stashing bodies in Baltimore vacants? Or is this just yet another ho-hum ‘rich sportsmen cheat’ piece?”

Worry not, Beebfers, because SoMa has sorted it all out for you.

 

Mob flick   FIFA arrest “The Wire”

US sports scandals

Racket Cocaine, political favors euros New Day co-op

Human-growth hormone

Front

Genco Pura olive oil

Worldwide soccer tournaments Copy Cat

Health not-for-profit

Hotel meets

Vegas casino

Baur au Lac Baltimore airport hotels

Hotel Fantanals Golf

Silly quote

“It was an abortion, Michael!”

“Today, we’re issuing FIFA a red card.”

“Sheeeeee …”

“I like a deflated ball.”

Random Greek Apollonia Vitelli

Costas Takkas

“The Greek”

Christos Tzekos

Righteous zealot Prohibition Agent Elliot Ness Attorney General Loretta E. Lynch Detective James McNulty, Homicide ???
Critical attention

Academy Award

Huff-Po headlines Emmy Award

Oprah interview

Bad guy Joe

Pesci (any role)

Blatter Proposition

Shoeless

Innocent victim

Diane Keaton

Chuck Blazer’s homeless cats police informants

rubber-bracelet manufacturers

Leading lady

Glamazon hustler Ginger McKenna

Let the women play in more feminine clothes and we’ll see … State prosecutor, firey redhead Rhonda Pearlman

Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen

Red flag

Michael dons a fedora

Cutter! Qwatar! Ishtar! Qatar! Preposterous serial killer profile

Beats cancer, Schlek Brothers

Legal vulture

Dave Kleinfield

Aaron Davidson

Maurice Levy

Gloria Allred

Grim reality

romantic-holiday massacres living conditions of host-country labor force entrenched inner-city poverty

domestic violence

 

And my unresearched scientific conclusion is …

The FIFA arrests are like nothing seen before in US sports scandals!  Because in the US, sports scandals never result in arrests! However, both share luxury European lodgings, not-for-profit fronts and cringe-inducing puns. FIFA’s Greek is less cute and more crooked than the one in mob films, but mob-movie’s Joe is funnier (just don’t tell him that.) FIFA’s leading ladies are more modest, in spite of Mia Hamm’s propensity to disrobe on-pitch, gloria 2but neither are they kidnapping their own daughter or sleeping with the entire city police force. FIFA’s red flag is more obvious, it’s true, but their critical attention is underwhelming—although we trust we will be spared an Gloria Allred appearance with yet another teary-eyed victim of oppression and poor plastic surgery.

And that’s really all you need to know.

Really!

 

(1) http://www.iheart.com/show/51-The-Sean-Hannity-Show/?episode_id=27251527

(2) http://www.irishtimes.com/sport/soccer/international/fai-chief-john-delaney-suggests-radical-action-following-arrests-1.2228456

(3) http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/re-elected-fifa-president-blatter-faces-corruption-fallout/

(4) http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/32909649

(5) http://www.latimes.com/sports/soccer/la-sp-sports-scandals-20150528-story.html 

(6) http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2015/05/27/fifa-arrests-soccer-corruption-editorials-debates/28022093/

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SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.

4 Comments

  1. Inamess
    June 3, 2015

    Thanks SocMom! I’ve got your righteous zealot: Lance Armstrong’s nemesis Travis Tygart. Cool Name but so is is Kenesaw Mountain Landis for the Chicago Black Sox.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7Rw_QGfEJ8

  2. ooga aga
    June 3, 2015

    Oh my gawwwwddd. So many gut busting gems here! Thank you!

    I want to second Levon ‘s nomination of soccer mom to be FIFA president!!!! And FCB’s in-house comic relief provider!!

  3. June 3, 2015

    From the club’s official Twitter account:

    As UEFA informs us, by request of our Club, Luis Figo will not represent Barça in the Legends match in Berlin.

  4. Miguel
    June 4, 2015

    thank you

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