Calling all stars …

Buenos días, B’Foobers!

It’s been a while, huh? I’ve been busy pursuing an imaginary career in radio broadcasting. It’s something I just do, you know, while I’m on the road. The side of the road. When the road is under construction.

Anyway, there I was, wondering what happened to all the attractive ‘flag ladies’ when I got the strangest call … I swear on Brian Williams it’s the truth!

Me:  … and today’s topic is ‘Green is for Going’. Caller, you’re on.

downloadCaller:  (sotto voce) Theese are my bestiiiees

Me:  Caller? You there?

Caller:  (sotto voce) all the restiiiees … Hello?

Me:  Hello, you’re on my radio show …

Caller:  You’re welcome! So yesterday my agent calls and says, ‘Hey, they’re talking about you on TV’ and I was like, ‘Me? Omigod, I love me!’

Me: Do you have anything to say about green lights? Like, how they’re for going?

Caller:  And it’s Terry Henry or whoever, and he’s saying nice things about me, and I can’t just let someone say nice things about me and not say something, you know, so I thought I’d call and say something nice about me right back at him!

Me:  Wait … who is this?

Caller:  I know I said I wasn’t going to talk to real people anymore. I prefer to let my actions speak on the pitch, and all that yadda yadda …

Me:  I can’t believe it. This is Pulitzer-worthy. Do they even give Pulitzers for radio? Sure they do. My Pulitzer. Eat it, Carl Kassel!

Caller: … like when I point to where I want the Knuckleheads to pass me the damn ball every once in a while.

Me:  Go on!

Caller:  Well, T-Bird was upset because the little dude, the one who plays for us …

Me:  Chicharito.

Caller:  God bless you. Well, after I made the winning pass against Atleti yesterday, he made this Big Deal falling down on the ground, and Tee-Ree thought that he should have been congratulating me instead. Durr!cronie

Me:  Yeah.

Caller:  I think, though, that he didn’t mean to be mean. I think he was just imitating me, you know? Like how I fall down whenever I get near those little white lines?

Me: I do.

Caller:  They let the white grass grow higher. It’s dangerous. Also it’s dangerous to lay down near the flag, bcause everyone came running to congratulate me, and they started tripping over him and falling down too.

Me:  Uh-huh.

Caller:  I myself am generous that way. I’ve instructed my fans to applaud him. When it’s all me, I’ve even commanded them to be quiet.

Me:  I remember.

Caller:  Stop interrupting. ‘Cause I’m modest like that. Speaking of people who love me, have you seen my ex lately?

Me:  Ah, not around, no …

ririCaller:  Well, I saw a picture of her going to some guy Oscar’s party, and dah-yum.

Me:  Yeah.

Caller:  I mean, when I was with her, she didn’t wear those long dresses. She walked around in her undies. Hey, babe, lay off the celery sticks! No more water for you! Not even the diet kind, am I right?

Me:  Um …

Caller:  She’s an emotional eater, you know. And she’s all alone. Did you see that? Not even any paparazzi. When you’re famous, there’s paparazzi.

Me:  Uh …

Caller:   ‘Famous’ is not no paparrazi. Famous is when there’s so much damn paparazzi you can’t push your cart through the luggage claim at Barajas. Famous is when you walk out on the lawn and fifty thousand people boo you. Has that ever happened to you?

Me:  Can’t say that it has.

Caller: You’re damn right it hasn’t. And not to Little Miss Missy-Miss, either. But you know what they say: ‘When you’ve loved and lost Cronie, you’ve got a sad corazonie’. You stoked for Juve or what?

Me:  Actually …

Caller:  (bursts out laughing) Oh, no. No, please. No way. No *&^#@ way.

Me:  Well, you know …

Caller:  Yeah. I get it (guffaws). No, seriously, it’s cool. So … you got issues with your ex now, too, huh?

Me:  Uh, well, he’s not exactly an ex anymore. We’ve, like, moved on, I guess. All that was years ago. We’re fine now. Really.

Caller:  Whatever. We’ll take care of him for ya in Berlin. It ain’t no thing.

Me:  Um … thanks?

Caller:  (sotto vocethe Champeeyooons meeee … You’re welcome!

(click)

Me: Tune in next time, I guess, for ‘That Blinking Thingie is Your Turn Signal.’ G’night everyone!

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SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.

19 Comments

  1. georgjorge
    April 25, 2015

    I can honestly say that I have no idea what this is about. Might have to read up a bit on pop culture and other things…

    In other news, Bartra didn’t even make the squad today. He might be ignored on purpose or might be doing horrible things in training, but whatever the reason, if he can’t make the squad against Espanyol during a time when rotation is key and Pique is tired and has played far too many games recently then it probably would be better for him (if not necessarily for the club) to move on.

    • Ryan
      April 25, 2015

      It’s not really pop culture – Thierry Henry criticized Javier Hernandez for celebrating his winning goal vs. Atleti rather than thank Ronaldo for the assist. So this is a bit of fun imagining how Ronaldo would agree with Henry.

      As for our game, here’s hoping our tired legs don’t show too much. Espanyol beat Villarreal 3-0, so they’ve got a bit of form to match ours.

  2. ooga aga
    April 25, 2015

    so ma has returned, all bow down! you made my morning! to the new folks, click on Soccermom’s name and you will see all of her brilliant posts. a book should be made.

  3. Ryan
    April 25, 2015

    What a team we have – 82% possession, 2 masterful goals, and we’ve still got another half to go!

    • georgjorge
      April 25, 2015

      True, these goals were masterpieces. The telepathic connection between our forwards might be approaching Xavi-Iniesta levels over the next seasons. And Espanyol managed about one shot on goal in the first half.

  4. G6O
    April 25, 2015

    A masterpiece of a first half, hopefully it’s more of the same in the second.

  5. ooga aga
    April 25, 2015

    fantastic first 30 minutes from our boys in the derby, then we eased off the pedal, which is fine. Got two goals from great team play and now off to half time.

  6. Gekko64
    April 25, 2015

    what kind of red card is that? disgraceful refereeing

  7. Jamal103
    April 25, 2015

    Contrast Alba’s petulance with Ronaldo’s gestures at Lahoz during the classico and you’ll find there is something very, very wrong with the state of refereeing in Spain.

    • G6O
      April 25, 2015

      Alba certainly said something red card-worthy, but if that’s a red card, then what about what Cristiano did? They could have banned him for a game or two based on video evidence – the whole world saw it – but, of course, there were no consequences.

    • Jamal103
      April 25, 2015

      According to early reports Alba said “Always the same”. The sending off should serve as a lesson to Jordi as this isn’t the first time he’s retorted back childishly. Nevertheless, it’s disconcerting Lahoz basically condoned all of Espanyol’s hacking at Messi, Neymar et al. but sent off someone for a few words.

    • barca96
      April 25, 2015

      Duarte said something back to the ref too in the 1st half which made Lahoz sprint towards him but it was just a warning.

      In the 2nd half Duarte pushed Messi, the latter stood firm and dribbled further and then was hacked from behind. No yellow.

      Later on one of the CB’s barged Messi from the back. Nothing.

      Duarte again barged Messi. Nothing.

      Iniesta was blatantly pulled back. Nothing but later on when Busi pulled someone back it was yellow. It is a deserved yellow but why the double standard?

      La Liga referees and the whole association really need to have a revamp.

      Btw, I’m still waiting for UEFA to act on Carjaval’s bite and slap on Mandzukic.

  8. barca96
    April 25, 2015

    Now Messi definitely needs to come off to protect him from injury. With the way things are going on now I wouldn’t be surprised.

    It seems that Espanyol players can get away with murder.

  9. ooga aga
    April 25, 2015

    man espanyols coach certainly has bulked up since his playing days as espanyol’s midfielder. he was a good little player.

    great victory from our boys. i feel like we manage (protect) our leads better now than we used to. no injuries and 3 pts in the away derby which is always a banana peel.

    and THAT goal….25 passes before messi-alba-(suarez dummy)-neymar. woof.

    • ooga aga
      April 25, 2015

      espn stats show that despite alba’s red in the 55th minute, we had 71% possession and held espanyol to only 2 shots on goals. wow.

  10. Inamess
    April 25, 2015

    Love Alba as a player but the guy has some serious anger management issues on the pitch. Red card could have cost us our season. Maybe Suarez, who so far has been a model citizen, needs to give Jordi some lessons about how to keep his cool.

  11. Inamess
    April 25, 2015

    Forgot to add: great post SoccerMom.

  12. barca96
    April 25, 2015

    Sad to see Xavi getting booed. On the other hand it is nice that they still applaud Iniesta. But it looked so ugly when they suddenly turned on Xavi.

    • hansh
      April 25, 2015

      I think it would have happened to whoever happened to sub on for Iniesta. It creates more of a contrast that way – they will happily applaud Iniesta, but it has to switch quickly to boos to remind us that they still hate us!

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