Buenos días, B’Foobers!
It’s been a while, huh? I’ve been busy pursuing an imaginary career in radio broadcasting. It’s something I just do, you know, while I’m on the road. The side of the road. When the road is under construction.
Anyway, there I was, wondering what happened to all the attractive ‘flag ladies’ when I got the strangest call … I swear on Brian Williams it’s the truth!
Me: … and today’s topic is ‘Green is for Going’. Caller, you’re on.
Caller: (sotto voce) Theese are my bestiiiees …
Me: Caller? You there?
Caller: (sotto voce) all the restiiiees … Hello?
Me: Hello, you’re on my radio show …
Caller: You’re welcome! So yesterday my agent calls and says, ‘Hey, they’re talking about you on TV’ and I was like, ‘Me? Omigod, I love me!’
Me: Do you have anything to say about green lights? Like, how they’re for going?
Caller: And it’s Terry Henry or whoever, and he’s saying nice things about me, and I can’t just let someone say nice things about me and not say something, you know, so I thought I’d call and say something nice about me right back at him!
Me: Wait … who is this?
Caller: I know I said I wasn’t going to talk to real people anymore. I prefer to let my actions speak on the pitch, and all that yadda yadda …
Me: I can’t believe it. This is Pulitzer-worthy. Do they even give Pulitzers for radio? Sure they do. My Pulitzer. Eat it, Carl Kassel!
Caller: … like when I point to where I want the Knuckleheads to pass me the damn ball every once in a while.
Me: Go on!
Caller: Well, T-Bird was upset because the little dude, the one who plays for us …
Caller: God bless you. Well, after I made the winning pass against Atleti yesterday, he made this Big Deal falling down on the ground, and Tee-Ree thought that he should have been congratulating me instead. Durr!
Caller: I think, though, that he didn’t mean to be mean. I think he was just imitating me, you know? Like how I fall down whenever I get near those little white lines?
Me: I do.
Caller: They let the white grass grow higher. It’s dangerous. Also it’s dangerous to lay down near the flag, bcause everyone came running to congratulate me, and they started tripping over him and falling down too.
Caller: I myself am generous that way. I’ve instructed my fans to applaud him. When it’s all me, I’ve even commanded them to be quiet.
Me: I remember.
Caller: Stop interrupting. ‘Cause I’m modest like that. Speaking of people who love me, have you seen my ex lately?
Me: Ah, not around, no …
Caller: Well, I saw a picture of her going to some guy Oscar’s party, and dah-yum.
Caller: I mean, when I was with her, she didn’t wear those long dresses. She walked around in her undies. Hey, babe, lay off the celery sticks! No more water for you! Not even the diet kind, am I right?
Me: Um …
Caller: She’s an emotional eater, you know. And she’s all alone. Did you see that? Not even any paparazzi. When you’re famous, there’s paparazzi.
Me: Uh …
Caller: ‘Famous’ is not no paparrazi. Famous is when there’s so much damn paparazzi you can’t push your cart through the luggage claim at Barajas. Famous is when you walk out on the lawn and fifty thousand people boo you. Has that ever happened to you?
Me: Can’t say that it has.
Caller: You’re damn right it hasn’t. And not to Little Miss Missy-Miss, either. But you know what they say: ‘When you’ve loved and lost Cronie, you’ve got a sad corazonie’. You stoked for Juve or what?
Me: Actually …
Caller: (bursts out laughing) Oh, no. No, please. No way. No *&^#@ way.
Me: Well, you know …
Caller: Yeah. I get it (guffaws). No, seriously, it’s cool. So … you got issues with your ex now, too, huh?
Me: Uh, well, he’s not exactly an ex anymore. We’ve, like, moved on, I guess. All that was years ago. We’re fine now. Really.
Caller: Whatever. We’ll take care of him for ya in Berlin. It ain’t no thing.
Me: Um … thanks?
Caller: (sotto voce) the Champeeyooons meeee … You’re welcome!
Me: Tune in next time, I guess, for ‘That Blinking Thingie is Your Turn Signal.’ G’night everyone!