Rumors have been rampant about our transfer targets for the coming summer. Who will we sign? How much are we willing to spend? Will cules be suckered into voting for a particular presidential candidate based on who he promises to bring to the club? Well, it’s been narrowed down a bit, so here we go, let’s compare the two major players currently in the Barcelona orbit to see who is the better fit.
|Cesc Fàbregras||Chad Ochocinco||Advantage?|
|Wants to come?||Maaaaaybe (wink wink)||Fuck yeah!|
|Capable of playing soccer?||Yes and YES.||Maaaaaybe|
|Opens new market to FCB?||No, Vilassar del Mar is FCB country||USA! USA! USA!|
|Speaks Spanish?||Yes, natively.||“Ochocinco”||TIE!|
|Funtastic celebrations?||Dancing’ fool||Uh, kinda definitely.|
|Shirt number available?||Taken!||Open!|
|Plays defense?||Sometimes.||No, but could tackle the crap out of Crynaldo||Tie!|
So, then, let’s see what our total is:
Final verdict: Chad Ochocinco is clearly the way forward for Barça. Not only would marketing increase dramatically within the US, but our goal celebrations would skyrocket in quality and the fan’s connection to the club via Twitter would be unparalleled.
Update! Reader Cesc Blanc has created a Facebook group! JOIN THIS GROUP OR BE LAME FOREVER.