El Banquillo #1:

[Author’s note: The idea for this was taken from the amazing The Dugout over on Progressive Boink. You should read it and love it, even if you don’t like baseball. However, if I took any of the names from The Dugout, that was entirely unintentional. -Isaiah]

Episode 1: In which the team meets up for the first time after the off season to say goodbye to those who are leaving and hello to some of the new guys.

Messi PulgaMyFinger: Hey everyone!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol hi
Messi PulgaMyFinger: So what are we doing here?
Pique Number1DraftPique: Player meeting!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I’m here.
Messi PulgaMyFinger: That’s the worst screenname ever.
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: What’s wrong with it?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol what’s a Cannibal Corpse?
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I will be right back

*CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: Hey guys
Pique Number1DraftPique: Sheesh, what is with you guys and your crappy screennames?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t know, I couldn’t think of anything.
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lmao
Pique Number1DraftPique: What about ChelseaKillah or MyHaircutsSuck?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: What’s the big deal? I’m just here to listen to the group.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: I knew you were going to say that.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Hey I’m back.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /face palm
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Vice-captain in the house!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Let’s get this meeting started.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Right, first order of business is personnel.
Keita FlyingMyKeita: Puyiiiiii
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, okay, anyway…Looks like Sylvinho is outta here.
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Manchester’s weather is supposed to be really nice, right? Right guys?
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Oh god, what have I done?

*SylvinAllYoProblems leaves chatroom*

Etoo SAMeroon: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Oh, yeah, uh, Samu, yeah. Uh, Inter Milan called…
Etoo SAMeroon: Well goddammit.

*SAMeroon is now known as EtooBrute?*

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: We should build that guy a statue.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: Oh did you guys build me one?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, not yet.

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Xavi ProfessorEquis: And, um, Martin, you and Alex are going off on “loan” 😉
Caceres SuperMartin: Juventus has always been a dream of mine.
HlebFace HlebToYourFace: Stuttgart has always been a dream of mine.

*HlebToYourFace has left the chatroom*
*SuperMartin has left the chatroom*

Busquets PowerSerg: What did Alex’s screenname mean, anyway? What to the what now?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Messi PulgaMyFinger: My mom just read me a Spider-Man comic book. It was pretty good. Doc Ock is all POW! and then Spidey–
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: AHEM! And introducing Maxwell…
Maxwell GetSmart: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: And Zlatan…
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: ROFscared.
Pique Number1DraftPique: What the hell was that?
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Don’t say that, Zlatan, it’ll just provoke him.
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t think he knows any other Spanish.
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Vis–
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Stop!
Alves OhDaniBoy: When’s practice? I just got a full night’s sleep and I’m ready to go.
Pique Number1DraftPique: It’s not quite 10pm…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? I sleep from 9 to 9:30 just like everyone else.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I blacked out there for a second, what happened?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Dani, um…What do you do the rest of the night?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Last night I watched every episode of the Sopranos Season 6 and wrote pi out to 40,000 digits.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: There isn’t even enough time to watch all of that season in one night…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? There are like 20 episodes or something…that’s only like 4 hours on my TVs.
Busquets PowerSerg: TVs? Plural?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Uh, yeah, plural. Don’t tell me you guys don’t watch like 4 channels at once…
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Oh, uh, no, we do that too, Dani.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I don’t own a TV. Just a sheep and a fiddle.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: /face palm
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Wait, how are you online?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I…don’t know…
Pique Number1DraftPique: Where did Bojan and Leo go?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: We’re playing FIFA on XBox Live. So far, Barcelona is beating Real Madrid 45-0 on World Class. I’m being me, Bojan is being Yaya.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: ROFscared
Marquez KaiserRolls: Oh man, I’m so late, sorry, tonight was the episode of Amor en Custodia where Paz’s evil twin comes back.
Busquets PowerSerg: What?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: Sorry, sorry, did I interrupt your workout lifting cars?
TheYaya ToureDeForce: YES.
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Caps lock, please. We don’t need to wake the mister.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: I DON’T HAVE IT ON.
Marquez KaiserRolls: So what are the new tactical innovations we’re going to employ this year? Do I get to attack?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re playing a 4-3-3.
Marquez KaiserRolls: That’s not new.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: But wait, there’s more!
Keita FlyingMyKeita: It comes with a second Shamwow completely free?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re going to occassionally employ two attacking fullbacks.
Maxwell GetSmart: That’s me, right?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: No, wait, we have a lot to discuss here. There’s the young kids we’re thinking of promoting, for one.
Pedro JustWingingIt: Present!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Yeah, I know, I’ve got this list that tells me who is here…
VicSan DirtySánchez: I am here, too!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I know! Just for that, you’re going to Xerez.
VicSan DirtySánchez: I’ll play anywhere, I swear. Left back, right back, water boy, just don’t make me leave. How about goalie! I can’t be worse than Albert!
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: Hey now…I’m just minding my own business over here and you gotta go and say these nasty things… 🙁
Pique Number1DraftPique: See you in a year, little homey.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /pantses DirtySánchez
VicSan DirtySánchez: Motherfucker!

*DirtySánchez has left the chatroom*

Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Hey! It’s after 10pm, lights out everyone!

*PowerSerg has left the chatroom*
*PulgaMyFinger has left the chatroom*
*11B0J@N11 has left the chatroom*
*CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca has left the chatroom*
*FlyingMyKeita has left the chatroom*
*VíctoryIsMine has left the chatroom*
*KaiserRolls has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*GetSmart has left the chatroom*
*JustWingingIt has left the chatroom*
*Number1DraftPique has left the chatroom*
*ZlatTheBallHome has left the chatroom*
*TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera has left the chatroom*
*Professor Equis has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*InMeYouTrust has left the chatroom*

Alves OhDaniBoy: Sigh…mortals.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: TELL ME ABOUT IT.

By Isaiah

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater Philadelphia area.


  1. Andres Iniesta, training with everyone


    🙂 !!!

    i love that he could’nt chose a screen name. so he went with “AndresIniesta” … jejeje

  2. is the Arsenal v. Celtic game tomorrow?

    And from what i hear, this Friday is
    A) The Group Stage Draw
    B)The European Super-Cup
    C) The UCL CL Awards gala.

    is all of that accurate? I’m doubting the group stage draw…

  3. @Tutomate

    My Xbox screen is: KeBoxchinito

    If you have fifa let me know so i can renew my gold membership.

  4. Kevo I’ll send you an invite. I dnt have FIFA 10 yet I just sold 09 to fund the next one. So I’ll let you know when I get it. But just be aware that our very own Jnice ( I think ) is like super good, ranked 3rd I believe.

  5. LOL. I was ranked 3rd in the US (20th in the world) when I was playing regularly, but now I rarely play and am waiting for FIFA 10.

  6. Yes. The group stage draw will even be televised by Fox Soccer Channel. Pretty cool in concept, pretty boring in reality.

    And for you U.S. footy fans, how about Jozy Altidore? Kid is tearing it up over at Hull City.

  7. i read somewhere that ESPN is showing our first game on Monday against Sporting, but the official ESPN schedule says nothing of the kind. is that just in Britain?

    and of course Jozy Altidore is tearing it up in England. he’s got poor close control, is fast with a bullish figure and has no positional sense. exactly the kind of player who thrives in the EPL.

  8. BA, I’ve got it listed as being live on ESPN…

    I actually think Altidore is pretty good. I love watching him knock small MLS-sized defenders down. Obviously never worked in La Liga cause, uh, the defenders are, you know, good.

  9. how about chiggy pop? hmmm? any one…?

    altidore will come good if he’s given the chance. he’s already clicked w/that other forward @ hull city. the triumvirate of altidore, guy i can’t remember & giovanni should be ok to watch against those weak ass bpl defenses.

  10. Hey, we only have to pay chygnasty 1.2 million per season, and then 2 million from the 2013 season.He took a pay cut to come apparently.

  11. ESPN HD says Barca vs Sporting but ESPN says Programming TBD. I’m gonna guess it’ll be on both.

  12. “OhDaniBoy: What? I sleep from 9 to 9:30 just like everyone else.” 😀 Again. best post ever.

  13. Anyway I see there is a “Han” posting on this board I never saw before. To let him know, if he’s the same Han that put up the Txiki evaluation over at Pep’s Place, then Thank you! because I enjoyed it. Don’t know if I agree with all of it though. What was Van Bommel if not quality?

    Its one and the same person. Me and my friends have a somewhat irrational view on Mr. Van Bommel (we hate him;-) , but in now way is he a bad footbalplayer and I’m very glad we sold him with a profit

    Thank you btw.

  14. bojan playing yaya was awesome. my friends and i always joke that bojan eats wheaties everyday so he can grow up to be like yaya.

  15. …definately a post worth getting post-hectorized tfor. I can’t think of any post better…decimal points included. The hardest part was deciding whether to watch Copa Highlights again or read this again..you won Isaiah.

    This season the “mere mortals” will be EE..no doubt

  16. lol
    that was just awesome, great job guys
    I want more of this stuff, lets hope its the shortest

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