El Banquillo #1:

[Author’s note: The idea for this was taken from the amazing The Dugout over on Progressive Boink. You should read it and love it, even if you don’t like baseball. However, if I took any of the names from The Dugout, that was entirely unintentional. -Isaiah]

Episode 1: In which the team meets up for the first time after the off season to say goodbye to those who are leaving and hello to some of the new guys.

Messi PulgaMyFinger: Hey everyone!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol hi
Messi PulgaMyFinger: So what are we doing here?
Pique Number1DraftPique: Player meeting!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I’m here.
Messi PulgaMyFinger: That’s the worst screenname ever.
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: What’s wrong with it?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol what’s a Cannibal Corpse?
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I will be right back

*CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: Hey guys
Pique Number1DraftPique: Sheesh, what is with you guys and your crappy screennames?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t know, I couldn’t think of anything.
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lmao
Pique Number1DraftPique: What about ChelseaKillah or MyHaircutsSuck?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: What’s the big deal? I’m just here to listen to the group.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: I knew you were going to say that.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Hey I’m back.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /face palm
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Vice-captain in the house!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Let’s get this meeting started.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Right, first order of business is personnel.
Keita FlyingMyKeita: Puyiiiiii
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, okay, anyway…Looks like Sylvinho is outta here.
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Manchester’s weather is supposed to be really nice, right? Right guys?
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Oh god, what have I done?

*SylvinAllYoProblems leaves chatroom*

Etoo SAMeroon: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Oh, yeah, uh, Samu, yeah. Uh, Inter Milan called…
Etoo SAMeroon: Well goddammit.

*SAMeroon is now known as EtooBrute?*

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: We should build that guy a statue.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: Oh did you guys build me one?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, not yet.

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Xavi ProfessorEquis: And, um, Martin, you and Alex are going off on “loan” 😉
Caceres SuperMartin: Juventus has always been a dream of mine.
HlebFace HlebToYourFace: Stuttgart has always been a dream of mine.

*HlebToYourFace has left the chatroom*
*SuperMartin has left the chatroom*

Busquets PowerSerg: What did Alex’s screenname mean, anyway? What to the what now?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Messi PulgaMyFinger: My mom just read me a Spider-Man comic book. It was pretty good. Doc Ock is all POW! and then Spidey–
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: AHEM! And introducing Maxwell…
Maxwell GetSmart: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: And Zlatan…
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: HELL MOTHERFUCKING YES THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: ROFscared.
Pique Number1DraftPique: What the hell was that?
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: HOLY HELL I WANT TO KICK SOME ASS RIGHT NOW. LEMME AT EM WHERE THE MADRIKITIS AT???
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Don’t say that, Zlatan, it’ll just provoke him.
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t think he knows any other Spanish.
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Vis–
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Stop!
Alves OhDaniBoy: When’s practice? I just got a full night’s sleep and I’m ready to go.
Pique Number1DraftPique: It’s not quite 10pm…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? I sleep from 9 to 9:30 just like everyone else.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I blacked out there for a second, what happened?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Dani, um…What do you do the rest of the night?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Last night I watched every episode of the Sopranos Season 6 and wrote pi out to 40,000 digits.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: There isn’t even enough time to watch all of that season in one night…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? There are like 20 episodes or something…that’s only like 4 hours on my TVs.
Busquets PowerSerg: TVs? Plural?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Uh, yeah, plural. Don’t tell me you guys don’t watch like 4 channels at once…
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Oh, uh, no, we do that too, Dani.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I don’t own a TV. Just a sheep and a fiddle.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: /face palm
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Wait, how are you online?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I…don’t know…
Pique Number1DraftPique: Where did Bojan and Leo go?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: We’re playing FIFA on XBox Live. So far, Barcelona is beating Real Madrid 45-0 on World Class. I’m being me, Bojan is being Yaya.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: DID SOMEONE SUMMON ME?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: ROFscared
Marquez KaiserRolls: Oh man, I’m so late, sorry, tonight was the episode of Amor en Custodia where Paz’s evil twin comes back.
Busquets PowerSerg: What?
TheYaya ToureDeForce: DID SOMEONE SUMMON ME?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: Sorry, sorry, did I interrupt your workout lifting cars?
TheYaya ToureDeForce: YES.
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Caps lock, please. We don’t need to wake the mister.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: I DON’T HAVE IT ON.
Marquez KaiserRolls: So what are the new tactical innovations we’re going to employ this year? Do I get to attack?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re playing a 4-3-3.
Marquez KaiserRolls: That’s not new.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: But wait, there’s more!
Keita FlyingMyKeita: It comes with a second Shamwow completely free?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re going to occassionally employ two attacking fullbacks.
Maxwell GetSmart: That’s me, right?
TheYaya ToureDeForce: CAN I GO BACK TO LIFTING CARS?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: No, wait, we have a lot to discuss here. There’s the young kids we’re thinking of promoting, for one.
Pedro JustWingingIt: Present!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Yeah, I know, I’ve got this list that tells me who is here…
VicSan DirtySánchez: I am here, too!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I know! Just for that, you’re going to Xerez.
VicSan DirtySánchez: I’ll play anywhere, I swear. Left back, right back, water boy, just don’t make me leave. How about goalie! I can’t be worse than Albert!
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: Hey now…I’m just minding my own business over here and you gotta go and say these nasty things… 🙁
Pique Number1DraftPique: See you in a year, little homey.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /pantses DirtySánchez
VicSan DirtySánchez: Motherfucker!

*DirtySánchez has left the chatroom*

Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Hey! It’s after 10pm, lights out everyone!

*PowerSerg has left the chatroom*
*PulgaMyFinger has left the chatroom*
*11B0J@N11 has left the chatroom*
*CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca has left the chatroom*
*FlyingMyKeita has left the chatroom*
*VíctoryIsMine has left the chatroom*
*KaiserRolls has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*GetSmart has left the chatroom*
*JustWingingIt has left the chatroom*
*Number1DraftPique has left the chatroom*
*ZlatTheBallHome has left the chatroom*
*TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera has left the chatroom*
*Professor Equis has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*InMeYouTrust has left the chatroom*

Alves OhDaniBoy: Sigh…mortals.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: WANT TO LIFT SOME CARS?
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Written by:

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in the greater New York City area with his wife and daughter.

80 Comments

  1. August 25, 2009

    PS this is the longest one that you’ll ever see.

  2. poipoi
    August 25, 2009

    wtf was that?

    btw Isaiah…. I’m re-watching Thiago’s game vs citeh and I think he and JDS can bring something new to the team this year. The so-called change pep talked about. I see him as a Ronnie-Mazinho-Xavi hybrid… I love Thiago and his game!!!!!!!

  3. Helge
    August 25, 2009

    LOL, I’ve never seen something like this before.

    Need some time to digest it.

    I hope Yaya keeps Messi alive 🙂

  4. Cesc Pistol
    August 25, 2009

    LOL got hectored. here’s what I said:

    @Han: here is our historical transfer spending as disclosed by Barca itself.

    //http://i32.tinypic.com/dg3nz8.jpg

    I found this while researching our finances and analysing them. These are how the deals were officially valued. Hope it helps. You can see the price for players you missed out like Belletti.

    Also sorry for no posts these days. Really very busy. I was dying to comment on Hector’s superb anaysis (over analysed? 😛 ) but between work and the gf just can’t find the time. 🙁

    And I hope you accept this post/link soon, I know you’re online guys so don’t be evil 😀

    What hurts the most in that transfer list I posted is cesc for 1 Mil. Oh, how we regret that. 🙁

    PS: Otros means others.”

  5. Cesc Pistol
    August 25, 2009

    Oh and superb post Isaiah. That was just

    OMGWTFHAXBBQ ROFLMAO

    I died laughing. This is most ghost typing. Pressing keys as a spirit is really hard!

    BTW This kind of “if they were in the chat world…” stuff was originally inspired from an internet legend:

    “How WWII leaders would be like if they were playing Warcraft 3.” 😀

    (or some other RTS, not sure was many years ago)

  6. Alexis
    August 25, 2009

    Great STUFF Isaiah!!
    My belly is hurting now because of the laughter!

  7. JMo
    August 25, 2009

    This was absolutely hilarious! How did you come up with something like this. So creative, it’s like our midfield! haha

    Great work. I had to shush myself cuz I was about to bust out laughing while at the office.

  8. Vj
    August 25, 2009

    LMAO.. Great stuff Isaiah..

  9. txikidracula
    August 25, 2009

    what was wrong with puyol’s first screen name?

    bojan’s contribution to the conversation was definitely the best.

  10. August 25, 2009

    AndresIniesta: What’s the big deal? I’m just here to listen to the group.

    ProfessorEquis: I knew you were going to say that.

    I LMAO’d.

  11. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    BAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

    LOL ISAIAH!!!! you gotta do somemore of these! and the longer the better!!! 😀
    I like bojan always using MSN language….ROLF

  12. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    what does El Banquillo mean?

  13. jordi
    August 25, 2009

    Best. Post. Ever

  14. August 25, 2009

    eklavya, el banquillo means “the bench” as in the substitute’s bench.

  15. ElShowDeJason
    August 25, 2009

    @eklavya

    “el banquillo” literally translates to “the Bench”

  16. Mat
    August 25, 2009

    absolutely epic post Isaiah!
    ..the rub is that I can’t share it with just anyone.. you have to be a fan and be following Barca to get every small detail! very nice work

  17. August 25, 2009

    Mat, my fear was that it would be too esoteric…but I’m glad all of you like it! There will definitely be more, with more teams and more players, don’t worry about that.

  18. yogi
    August 25, 2009

    excellent stuff…lol…we hope this is one of the short ones…

  19. jordi
    August 25, 2009

    Anyone see Sneider skipped the plane to milan? I guess L’Affaire d’eto’o wasnt so bad after all.

  20. OhYes
    August 25, 2009

    epic indeed! great post. very funny 🙂

    hey Isaiah did you get my email?

    ———————

    its hilarious whats going on with Sneider 😀 i guess this is how everyone else saw the eto’o opus.

  21. Kxevin
    August 25, 2009

    I did, jordi. That’s a mess. Robben refused to leave, Sneijder is refusing to leave. Van Nistelrooy was on the block, but is probably staying. Then there’s the Raul issue, and what about Guti, etc, etc? Yikes.

    Sport also reports that Jorquera terminated his contract, by mutual agreement with the club. And they say that Cygnasty is sitting to prevent any freak injury messing up the deal.

  22. OhYes
    August 25, 2009

    Aw damn we can’t call him Are-You-Still-Here anymore. 🙁

  23. khairallah
    August 25, 2009

    Excellent 🙂 Bojan just laughs at anything 😛

  24. Maximus
    August 25, 2009

    Bojan’s incessant lolling was awesome, ^_^

  25. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    What does esoteric mean?
    😕
    haha

  26. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    “SylvinAllYoProblems: Oh god, what have I done?”

    That sounds like Kxevin 😀

  27. SC
    August 25, 2009

    LMAO this was awesome, Isaiah! I loved when Captain Caveman blacked out with rage towards Real… I bet he totally does sometimes!!

  28. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Brilliant simply brilliant.

  29. messi_fan
    August 25, 2009

    That
    Was
    BRILLIANT!

    VíctoryIsMine: Caps lock, please. We don’t need to wake the mister.

    ToureDeForce: I DON’T HAVE IT ON.

    I loves it 🙂

  30. Ciaran
    August 25, 2009

    Awesome Isaiah. It kinda reminded me of the Halo pisstake.
    I love the screen names

  31. Hawk
    August 25, 2009

    This was fucking awesome.

  32. Hawk
    August 25, 2009

    Eto’o’ nickname is genius

  33. Corrine
    August 25, 2009

    lmfao oh dear

  34. Steven
    August 25, 2009

    “I don’t own a TV. Just a sheep and a fiddle.”

    Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

  35. john
    August 25, 2009

    That was awesome!

  36. Han
    August 25, 2009

    Extremely Funny, only got about half of the jokes reading it here the first time. Nice idea, good stuff. The charachterbuilding is very well done, I can only imagine how hilarious some odd board members or characters from the EE would be like.

  37. 11B0J@N11
    August 25, 2009

    lol

  38. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    I’m GOING to read this and then remark on the hilarity. I scrolled down specifically to comment but as I did so, my excitement began to build.

    But. I saw those Chygnasty (great nick, whoever came up with it) videos Hector put up two posts ago finally.

    I think he looks good, of course it’s been pointed out he played against a much lesser team. His long passing looks more Marquez-like than Pique-like…that is exquisite through the air rather than on the ground…and his defense was very precise. I think my biggest complaint is that he holds the ball too long. Thinking what to do, maybe. He didn’t have pressure but if he did could he do the job?

    Anyway I see there is a “Han” posting on this board I never saw before. To let him know, if he’s the same Han that put up the Txiki evaluation over at Pep’s Place, then Thank you! because I enjoyed it. Don’t know if I agree with all of it though. What was Van Bommel if not quality?

  39. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    My favourite was:

    AndresIniesta: Wait, how are you online?
    CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I…don’t know…

  40. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Anyone want to share their PSN Id or Xbox live name with me so we can play when FIFA 10 comes out?

    PSN: Tomatutomate
    Xbox: Tutomate

  41. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    Excellent. Great screen names. Bojan sounded like such a little girl.

    So much for mourning the Offside. First Hector dedicates himself to tactical-analysis posts, and now Isaiah is doing a Twitter thing. Brilliant!

  42. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    But you did snub BOTH Frenchmen on the team…

  43. iBlau
    August 25, 2009

    “CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Right, first order of business is personnel.

    FlyingMyKeita: Puyiiiiii

    CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, okay, anyway…Looks like Sylvinho is outta here. ”

    LOL

  44. Jnice
    August 25, 2009

    Tutomate,

    Jnice17

  45. Jnice
    August 25, 2009

    Oops, forgot to add that is for Xbox.

  46. iBlau
    August 25, 2009

    PSN: FCBlaugrana

  47. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Thanks guys/gals I sent you invites.

  48. ballbeav
    August 25, 2009

    //holy shit! theriddlerandthejorquera is gona!

    to girona!

    //http://www.fcbarcelona.cat/web/castellano/noticies/futbol/temporada09-10/08/n090825106364.html//

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