El Banquillo #1:

[Author’s note: The idea for this was taken from the amazing The Dugout over on Progressive Boink. You should read it and love it, even if you don’t like baseball. However, if I took any of the names from The Dugout, that was entirely unintentional. -Isaiah]

Episode 1: In which the team meets up for the first time after the off season to say goodbye to those who are leaving and hello to some of the new guys.

Messi PulgaMyFinger: Hey everyone!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol hi
Messi PulgaMyFinger: So what are we doing here?
Pique Number1DraftPique: Player meeting!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I’m here.
Messi PulgaMyFinger: That’s the worst screenname ever.
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: What’s wrong with it?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol what’s a Cannibal Corpse?
Puyol CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB: Okay, I will be right back

*CannibalCorpseDeathMetalHellYesHeadBangerFCB has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: Hey guys
Pique Number1DraftPique: Sheesh, what is with you guys and your crappy screennames?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t know, I couldn’t think of anything.
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lmao
Pique Number1DraftPique: What about ChelseaKillah or MyHaircutsSuck?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: What’s the big deal? I’m just here to listen to the group.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: I knew you were going to say that.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Hey I’m back.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /face palm
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Vice-captain in the house!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Let’s get this meeting started.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Right, first order of business is personnel.
Keita FlyingMyKeita: Puyiiiiii
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, okay, anyway…Looks like Sylvinho is outta here.
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Manchester’s weather is supposed to be really nice, right? Right guys?
Sylvinho SylvinAllYoProblems: Oh god, what have I done?

*SylvinAllYoProblems leaves chatroom*

Etoo SAMeroon: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Oh, yeah, uh, Samu, yeah. Uh, Inter Milan called…
Etoo SAMeroon: Well goddammit.

*SAMeroon is now known as EtooBrute?*

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Iniesta AndresIniesta: We should build that guy a statue.
SamuInter EtooBrute?: Oh did you guys build me one?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, not yet.

*EtooBrute? has left the chatroom*

Xavi ProfessorEquis: And, um, Martin, you and Alex are going off on “loan” 😉
Caceres SuperMartin: Juventus has always been a dream of mine.
HlebFace HlebToYourFace: Stuttgart has always been a dream of mine.

*HlebToYourFace has left the chatroom*
*SuperMartin has left the chatroom*

Busquets PowerSerg: What did Alex’s screenname mean, anyway? What to the what now?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Messi PulgaMyFinger: My mom just read me a Spider-Man comic book. It was pretty good. Doc Ock is all POW! and then Spidey–
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: AHEM! And introducing Maxwell…
Maxwell GetSmart: Hey guys!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: And Zlatan…
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Bojan 11B0J@N11: ROFscared.
Pique Number1DraftPique: What the hell was that?
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Visca Barça!
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Don’t say that, Zlatan, it’ll just provoke him.
Iniesta AndresIniesta: I don’t think he knows any other Spanish.
Ibra ZlatTheBallHome: Yo! /kisses club crest Vis–
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Stop!
Alves OhDaniBoy: When’s practice? I just got a full night’s sleep and I’m ready to go.
Pique Number1DraftPique: It’s not quite 10pm…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? I sleep from 9 to 9:30 just like everyone else.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I blacked out there for a second, what happened?
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Dani, um…What do you do the rest of the night?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Last night I watched every episode of the Sopranos Season 6 and wrote pi out to 40,000 digits.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: There isn’t even enough time to watch all of that season in one night…
Alves OhDaniBoy: What? There are like 20 episodes or something…that’s only like 4 hours on my TVs.
Busquets PowerSerg: TVs? Plural?
Alves OhDaniBoy: Uh, yeah, plural. Don’t tell me you guys don’t watch like 4 channels at once…
Xavi ProfessorEquis: Oh, uh, no, we do that too, Dani.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I don’t own a TV. Just a sheep and a fiddle.
Xavi ProfessorEquis: /face palm
Iniesta AndresIniesta: Wait, how are you online?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I…don’t know…
Pique Number1DraftPique: Where did Bojan and Leo go?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: We’re playing FIFA on XBox Live. So far, Barcelona is beating Real Madrid 45-0 on World Class. I’m being me, Bojan is being Yaya.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: ROFscared
Marquez KaiserRolls: Oh man, I’m so late, sorry, tonight was the episode of Amor en Custodia where Paz’s evil twin comes back.
Busquets PowerSerg: What?
Messi PulgaMyFinger: Sorry, sorry, did I interrupt your workout lifting cars?
TheYaya ToureDeForce: YES.
Valdes VíctoryIsMine: Caps lock, please. We don’t need to wake the mister.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: I DON’T HAVE IT ON.
Marquez KaiserRolls: So what are the new tactical innovations we’re going to employ this year? Do I get to attack?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re playing a 4-3-3.
Marquez KaiserRolls: That’s not new.
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: But wait, there’s more!
Keita FlyingMyKeita: It comes with a second Shamwow completely free?
Bojan 11B0J@N11: lol
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: We’re going to occassionally employ two attacking fullbacks.
Maxwell GetSmart: That’s me, right?
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: No, wait, we have a lot to discuss here. There’s the young kids we’re thinking of promoting, for one.
Pedro JustWingingIt: Present!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Yeah, I know, I’ve got this list that tells me who is here…
VicSan DirtySánchez: I am here, too!
Puyol CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I know! Just for that, you’re going to Xerez.
VicSan DirtySánchez: I’ll play anywhere, I swear. Left back, right back, water boy, just don’t make me leave. How about goalie! I can’t be worse than Albert!
Jorquera TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera: Hey now…I’m just minding my own business over here and you gotta go and say these nasty things… 🙁
Pique Number1DraftPique: See you in a year, little homey.
Pique Number1DraftPique: /pantses DirtySánchez
VicSan DirtySánchez: Motherfucker!

*DirtySánchez has left the chatroom*

Guardiola InMeYouTrust: Hey! It’s after 10pm, lights out everyone!

*PowerSerg has left the chatroom*
*PulgaMyFinger has left the chatroom*
*11B0J@N11 has left the chatroom*
*CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca has left the chatroom*
*FlyingMyKeita has left the chatroom*
*VíctoryIsMine has left the chatroom*
*KaiserRolls has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*GetSmart has left the chatroom*
*JustWingingIt has left the chatroom*
*Number1DraftPique has left the chatroom*
*ZlatTheBallHome has left the chatroom*
*TheRiddlerAndTheJorquera has left the chatroom*
*Professor Equis has left the chatroom*
*AndresIniesta has left the chatroom*
*InMeYouTrust has left the chatroom*

Alves OhDaniBoy: Sigh…mortals.
TheYaya ToureDeForce: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
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Written by:

Isaiah is a co-founder and lead writer for Barcelona Football Blog. He currently lives in Germany with his wife and daughter.


  1. poipoi
    August 25, 2009

    wtf was that?

    btw Isaiah…. I’m re-watching Thiago’s game vs citeh and I think he and JDS can bring something new to the team this year. The so-called change pep talked about. I see him as a Ronnie-Mazinho-Xavi hybrid… I love Thiago and his game!!!!!!!

  2. Helge
    August 25, 2009

    LOL, I’ve never seen something like this before.

    Need some time to digest it.

    I hope Yaya keeps Messi alive 🙂

  3. Cesc Pistol
    August 25, 2009

    LOL got hectored. here’s what I said:

    @Han: here is our historical transfer spending as disclosed by Barca itself.


    I found this while researching our finances and analysing them. These are how the deals were officially valued. Hope it helps. You can see the price for players you missed out like Belletti.

    Also sorry for no posts these days. Really very busy. I was dying to comment on Hector’s superb anaysis (over analysed? 😛 ) but between work and the gf just can’t find the time. 🙁

    And I hope you accept this post/link soon, I know you’re online guys so don’t be evil 😀

    What hurts the most in that transfer list I posted is cesc for 1 Mil. Oh, how we regret that. 🙁

    PS: Otros means others.”

  4. Cesc Pistol
    August 25, 2009

    Oh and superb post Isaiah. That was just


    I died laughing. This is most ghost typing. Pressing keys as a spirit is really hard!

    BTW This kind of “if they were in the chat world…” stuff was originally inspired from an internet legend:

    “How WWII leaders would be like if they were playing Warcraft 3.” 😀

    (or some other RTS, not sure was many years ago)

  5. Alexis
    August 25, 2009

    Great STUFF Isaiah!!
    My belly is hurting now because of the laughter!

  6. JMo
    August 25, 2009

    This was absolutely hilarious! How did you come up with something like this. So creative, it’s like our midfield! haha

    Great work. I had to shush myself cuz I was about to bust out laughing while at the office.

  7. txikidracula
    August 25, 2009

    what was wrong with puyol’s first screen name?

    bojan’s contribution to the conversation was definitely the best.

  8. August 25, 2009

    AndresIniesta: What’s the big deal? I’m just here to listen to the group.

    ProfessorEquis: I knew you were going to say that.

    I LMAO’d.

  9. eklavya
    August 25, 2009


    LOL ISAIAH!!!! you gotta do somemore of these! and the longer the better!!! 😀
    I like bojan always using MSN language….ROLF

  10. August 25, 2009

    eklavya, el banquillo means “the bench” as in the substitute’s bench.

  11. ElShowDeJason
    August 25, 2009


    “el banquillo” literally translates to “the Bench”

  12. Mat
    August 25, 2009

    absolutely epic post Isaiah!
    ..the rub is that I can’t share it with just anyone.. you have to be a fan and be following Barca to get every small detail! very nice work

  13. August 25, 2009

    Mat, my fear was that it would be too esoteric…but I’m glad all of you like it! There will definitely be more, with more teams and more players, don’t worry about that.

  14. yogi
    August 25, 2009

    excellent stuff…lol…we hope this is one of the short ones…

  15. jordi
    August 25, 2009

    Anyone see Sneider skipped the plane to milan? I guess L’Affaire d’eto’o wasnt so bad after all.

  16. OhYes
    August 25, 2009

    epic indeed! great post. very funny 🙂

    hey Isaiah did you get my email?


    its hilarious whats going on with Sneider 😀 i guess this is how everyone else saw the eto’o opus.

  17. Kxevin
    August 25, 2009

    I did, jordi. That’s a mess. Robben refused to leave, Sneijder is refusing to leave. Van Nistelrooy was on the block, but is probably staying. Then there’s the Raul issue, and what about Guti, etc, etc? Yikes.

    Sport also reports that Jorquera terminated his contract, by mutual agreement with the club. And they say that Cygnasty is sitting to prevent any freak injury messing up the deal.

  18. OhYes
    August 25, 2009

    Aw damn we can’t call him Are-You-Still-Here anymore. 🙁

  19. khairallah
    August 25, 2009

    Excellent 🙂 Bojan just laughs at anything 😛

  20. Maximus
    August 25, 2009

    Bojan’s incessant lolling was awesome, ^_^

  21. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    What does esoteric mean?

  22. eklavya
    August 25, 2009

    “SylvinAllYoProblems: Oh god, what have I done?”

    That sounds like Kxevin 😀

  23. SC
    August 25, 2009

    LMAO this was awesome, Isaiah! I loved when Captain Caveman blacked out with rage towards Real… I bet he totally does sometimes!!

  24. messi_fan
    August 25, 2009


    VíctoryIsMine: Caps lock, please. We don’t need to wake the mister.

    ToureDeForce: I DON’T HAVE IT ON.

    I loves it 🙂

  25. Ciaran
    August 25, 2009

    Awesome Isaiah. It kinda reminded me of the Halo pisstake.
    I love the screen names

  26. Steven
    August 25, 2009

    “I don’t own a TV. Just a sheep and a fiddle.”

    Funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

  27. Han
    August 25, 2009

    Extremely Funny, only got about half of the jokes reading it here the first time. Nice idea, good stuff. The charachterbuilding is very well done, I can only imagine how hilarious some odd board members or characters from the EE would be like.

  28. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    I’m GOING to read this and then remark on the hilarity. I scrolled down specifically to comment but as I did so, my excitement began to build.

    But. I saw those Chygnasty (great nick, whoever came up with it) videos Hector put up two posts ago finally.

    I think he looks good, of course it’s been pointed out he played against a much lesser team. His long passing looks more Marquez-like than Pique-like…that is exquisite through the air rather than on the ground…and his defense was very precise. I think my biggest complaint is that he holds the ball too long. Thinking what to do, maybe. He didn’t have pressure but if he did could he do the job?

    Anyway I see there is a “Han” posting on this board I never saw before. To let him know, if he’s the same Han that put up the Txiki evaluation over at Pep’s Place, then Thank you! because I enjoyed it. Don’t know if I agree with all of it though. What was Van Bommel if not quality?

  29. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    My favourite was:

    AndresIniesta: Wait, how are you online?
    CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: I…don’t know…

  30. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Anyone want to share their PSN Id or Xbox live name with me so we can play when FIFA 10 comes out?

    PSN: Tomatutomate
    Xbox: Tutomate

  31. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    Excellent. Great screen names. Bojan sounded like such a little girl.

    So much for mourning the Offside. First Hector dedicates himself to tactical-analysis posts, and now Isaiah is doing a Twitter thing. Brilliant!

  32. Alexinho
    August 25, 2009

    But you did snub BOTH Frenchmen on the team…

  33. iBlau
    August 25, 2009

    “CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Right, first order of business is personnel.

    FlyingMyKeita: Puyiiiiii

    CaptainCatalunyaViscaelBarca: Uh, okay, anyway…Looks like Sylvinho is outta here. ”


  34. Jnice
    August 25, 2009

    Oops, forgot to add that is for Xbox.

  35. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Thanks guys/gals I sent you invites.

  36. ballbeav
    August 25, 2009

    //holy shit! theriddlerandthejorquera is gona!

    to girona!


  37. fcbfan
    August 25, 2009

    Awesome Isaiah. I died laughing reading this! more please 😀

  38. ElShowDeJason
    August 25, 2009

    Andres Iniesta, training with everyone


    🙂 !!!

    i love that he could’nt chose a screen name. so he went with “AndresIniesta” … jejeje

  39. Basem
    August 25, 2009


    I especially loved the Alves and Puyol comments.

  40. Anna
    August 25, 2009

    Lol! I think Bojan’s contribution to the convo was epic.

  41. ElShowDeJason
    August 25, 2009

    is the Arsenal v. Celtic game tomorrow?

    And from what i hear, this Friday is
    A) The Group Stage Draw
    B)The European Super-Cup
    C) The UCL CL Awards gala.

    is all of that accurate? I’m doubting the group stage draw…

  42. Kevo
    August 25, 2009


    My Xbox screen is: KeBoxchinito

    If you have fifa let me know so i can renew my gold membership.

  43. Tutomate
    August 25, 2009

    Kevo I’ll send you an invite. I dnt have FIFA 10 yet I just sold 09 to fund the next one. So I’ll let you know when I get it. But just be aware that our very own Jnice ( I think ) is like super good, ranked 3rd I believe.

  44. Jnice
    August 25, 2009

    LOL. I was ranked 3rd in the US (20th in the world) when I was playing regularly, but now I rarely play and am waiting for FIFA 10.

  45. Kxevin
    August 25, 2009

    Yes. The group stage draw will even be televised by Fox Soccer Channel. Pretty cool in concept, pretty boring in reality.

    And for you U.S. footy fans, how about Jozy Altidore? Kid is tearing it up over at Hull City.

  46. BA
    August 25, 2009

    i read somewhere that ESPN is showing our first game on Monday against Sporting, but the official ESPN schedule says nothing of the kind. is that just in Britain?

    and of course Jozy Altidore is tearing it up in England. he’s got poor close control, is fast with a bullish figure and has no positional sense. exactly the kind of player who thrives in the EPL.

  47. Jose
    August 25, 2009

    Hahahahaha, that was a lot funnier than I expected 😀

  48. August 25, 2009

    BA, I’ve got it listed as being live on ESPN…

    I actually think Altidore is pretty good. I love watching him knock small MLS-sized defenders down. Obviously never worked in La Liga cause, uh, the defenders are, you know, good.

  49. txikidracula
    August 25, 2009

    how about chiggy pop? hmmm? any one…?

    altidore will come good if he’s given the chance. he’s already clicked w/that other forward @ hull city. the triumvirate of altidore, guy i can’t remember & giovanni should be ok to watch against those weak ass bpl defenses.

  50. jordi
    August 25, 2009

    Hey, we only have to pay chygnasty 1.2 million per season, and then 2 million from the 2013 season.He took a pay cut to come apparently.

  51. Anna
    August 25, 2009

    ESPN HD says Barca vs Sporting but ESPN says Programming TBD. I’m gonna guess it’ll be on both.

  52. jordi
    August 25, 2009

    “OhDaniBoy: What? I sleep from 9 to 9:30 just like everyone else.” 😀 Again. best post ever.

  53. Han
    August 26, 2009

    Anyway I see there is a “Han” posting on this board I never saw before. To let him know, if he’s the same Han that put up the Txiki evaluation over at Pep’s Place, then Thank you! because I enjoyed it. Don’t know if I agree with all of it though. What was Van Bommel if not quality?

    Its one and the same person. Me and my friends have a somewhat irrational view on Mr. Van Bommel (we hate him;-) , but in now way is he a bad footbalplayer and I’m very glad we sold him with a profit

    Thank you btw.

  54. Han
    August 26, 2009

    but in “no way” (was what I was trying to type)

  55. Mast
    August 26, 2009

    I know there’s another post up but I just had to say this:
    AWESOME! 🙂

  56. larm
    August 26, 2009

    bojan playing yaya was awesome. my friends and i always joke that bojan eats wheaties everyday so he can grow up to be like yaya.

  57. tom
    August 27, 2009

    that was awesome. Made me laugh so much, i almost fell down of the chair.

  58. August 27, 2009

    …definately a post worth getting post-hectorized tfor. I can’t think of any post better…decimal points included. The hardest part was deciding whether to watch Copa Highlights again or read this again..you won Isaiah.

    This season the “mere mortals” will be EE..no doubt

  59. Blek
    August 28, 2009

    *Applauding Isiah*

    I cannot help but loving this. Great!

  60. Smermer
    August 30, 2009

    *Super like*!!! =]

    So funny! Awsome! LOL… =P

  61. Taraneh
    August 31, 2009

    that was just awesome, great job guys
    I want more of this stuff, lets hope its the shortest

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