Summer is here, and after years of neglect of the sporting project, transfers are being made, players coming in that people — most notably the folks whose asses are on the line — hope will improve the team. Finally!
Whatevs … not good enough.
For me, the best part of social media is the instant evaluative nature of the beast, in which some player in his mother’s womb is already not good enough to play for Barça. I was trying to think back to the last year in which transfers weren’t greeted with a McKayla-like shrug from this club’s supporters, and I can’t.
Even in the first year of Annus Guardiolus, that happy time when invincible sprites capered hither and yon, “More than 30m for a right back??!!” “Keita was a role player for Sevilla. Is he good enough for us?” Before that, Henry was “an old man who wouldn’t amount to much at Barça,” and Abidal was “good in Ligue 1, but Barça is a whole different level, you know …”
Transfer after transfer, summer after summer, which brings us to this summer and its additions. Let’s have a look at them, one by one:
Marc Andre Ter Stegen
He comes to Barça from Borussia Monchengladbach. He likes sunsets, puppies and learning foreign languages. He dislikes negativity. rain and teams from Munich. Rumor is he came because “Barça” is a lot easier to say than “Monchengladbach.” Easier to spell, too. He is one of the brightest young goalkeeper talents of recent memory, skilled with his feet and tall, with quick reflexes and ability to get up and down with ease. At 12m, many considered him the bargain of the century. McKuler is unimpressed. Not good enough. He should have been Courtois. 12m for a player in the last year of his contract who wanted to leave? My dog could have negotiated better.
He comes to Barça from Sevilla. He likes fireplaces, seeing both sides of an argument, churros (yay!). He dislikes gay teammates (Whoops! Sorry!), brunettes, negativity. Rumor is he came to Barça because the facility of the city’s hairdressers with blonde dye. Rakitic exploded onto the scene last season, continuing an arc that made him pretty much the most valuable player on a Sevilla side that won the Europa League title. Pace, work rate, size and strength are his calling cards. 18m is one heck of a deal for this firecracker-hot player. Still, McKuler is unimpressed. Not good enough. He should have been Gundogan. And why did those big stupids sell Thiago. They suck.
He comes to Barça from Liverpool. He likes arms and shoulders, scoring goals and appeals. He dislikes suspensions, people who don’t understand him and Patrice Evra. Rumor is that he came to Barça to escape the villagers, with their pickaxes and torches. Suarez is considered by many to be the best 9 in the game. He destroyed Premier League defenses last season, laying waste to the “best league in the world” in grand style. We need a 9 and by cracky for 81m, we sure did get one. McKuler is almost impressed, though 81m? What are we, Galacticos?
He comes to Barça from Real Sociedad. He likes strikers who can’t shoot, World Cups and screaming. He dislikes Lionel Messi, chili (It’s CHEE-lay!) and going to the opera (“Why do they keep calling my name?”). Rumor is that he came to Barça because how hard can it be to replace a Pintocalypse? Bravo, the undisputed starter for both Chile and La Real, overcame a couple of serious injuries to become one of the Liga’s best keepers. He’s good with his feet and quick with his hands. He finished 5th in the Zamora race the year his team was relegated. Which is kinda crazy, when you think about it. He came to Barça for 12m, a seeming bargain for a top-class keeper. McKuler desperately wishes he was Keylor Navas. That would be impressive.
He comes to Barça from Valencia. He likes skyscrapers, little people and things in the middle. He dislikes sneaky little people, bottle gingers and life on the wing. Rumor is he came to Barça because of the city’s higher doorjambs. This Goliath of a defender really came into his own as a centerback for Valencia, where he displayed speed, tackling ability and ability to defend set pieces. He also scored two goals against RM last season, over Varane and Ramos. He injects height into the Barça back line as well as bringing some pace to the game. He came to Barça for 20m, taking a pay cut to facilitate his transfer. McKuler can’t even … in the bedroom, screaming “Old and expensive!!!!” into a tear-stained pillow.
The club also brought the “NOT” twins back from loan, Gerard Deulofeu, who is “not” quite ready yet and
Thiago Rafinha Alcantara, who is “not” Thiago … Why did they sell Thiagooooo!!! (Weep! Sniffle!)
In addition, the club has sold Cesc Fabregas, who was awful and took the second halves of seasons off, but should have gone for 60m and Alexis Sanchez, who was an overpriced bottler who turned out kinda sorta alright, who after the World Cup he had, should have sold for 100m. McKuler doesn’t even need to draft the dog. The parakeet can negotiate better.
Forever homes were also found for Isaac Cuenca, who promptly broke while practicing, Jonathan Dos Santos, Cristian Tello and Bojan Krkic. McKuler is unimpressed by the sums gleaned from the Sale of the Inadequates. Those dummies have absolutely no idea how to make money from the sales of academy players. None.
Cruijff cites “nou Galacticos” and predicts damnation. Is there any salvation for this club that, from the sounds of things in the aftermath of this summer of ineptitude, will be lucky to not be relegated next season? Good question.
It’s worth having a gander at the view of the neutral observer, where you find notions that a team fixed many of its problems, getting stronger and faster in midfield with players who will also re-enable a viable press, two top-class keepers who replace Valdes and Pinto, a fast, eraser-type defender who excelled at the CB position and has mistake-fixing pace and range and the best striker on the planet.
McKuler begs to differ. EXcellent players??!! Clearly, they are uninformed, and don’t understand that every last one of those players could have been somebody light years better.