Close to Away (as a matter of Clasico, pt III)

This is not a preview, it’s a meview. If you want to read something that makes sense, I suggest you click here for Kxevin’s thoughts on the game.

camp-nou-3

(TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!)

Zzzzzzzz

(TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!)

Zzzzzzzz

(TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING!)

Huh!?! What?!? Huhyaaaaaawn…

Yo man, you up?

Wh-wh-wh-huh? What? Who is this?

It’s me man, me, that’s who!

Maaaan what the… (yawn) It’s three in the fu… (yawn) You know what time it is, you f—–g prick?

It’s CLASICO TIME!

(a loud crashing sound ensues, which is either indicative of the end of the world or of a culer falling out of his bed and generally making a mess of what once upon a time looked like a bedroom)

Still there?

What? Where? When? Clásico? Here? Now?

No, not now. Take it easy. Keep that heart attack at arm’s length from your chest. Breathe in, breathe out. The game is tomorrow.

Tomorrow? So why you calling me at three o’clock in the morning?

I can’t sleep.

Why not?

Tomorrow’s the Clasico.

Oh. Right. Why don’t you watch tv or something, get your mind off things? And let me sleep! Jeeez…

I tried that but they talk about the game on every channel.

Oh, right… Uhmmm… Hold on… Why is there a picture of the Camp Nou above this article? The game is at the Burn-the-Eeew.

Man, you’re slow!

Yeah, so? What does that got to do with it?

It’s got everything to do with it.

You’re a jerk. What do you think of the game?

Well, do you want my BFB-contributing, sangria-drinking, happy-go-lucky, rallying-the-troops and stand-behind-my-team opinion or do you want my honest opinion?

What do you really think?

Color me culer but I think we’re gonna lose. M*drid is playing like a monster right now. What do you think?

Man, you’re one pessimistic son of a bee. We’re gonna kick some whitey butt. We’re gonna run rings around Pepe until he bites his own —hole. We’re gonna make D-Lo wish that he’s Iker and Iker wish that he’s Sara sitting at home and breastfeeding the baby. We’re gonna make Ronaldo cry piss from his eyes, only they don’t call it piss they call it CR7. We’re gonna rip Bale’s nuts off and feed them to Tomás Roncero. We’re gonna fill their diapers with blaugrana doo-doo and snap the neck off of any Ancellady that tries to change ‘em.

Dude, forget I even asked. I forgot how weird you are. And Tomás Roncero would probably love to eat Bale’s private parts. Or at least nibble on ’em just a little bit.

Man, he’d gobble ’em up. And who you calling weird? Look at you, man, I mean, man, just look at you!

My point exactly. But I wish I shared your confidence. I’m also worried that Martino might have lost the team.

Lost the team? Martino? Not the Pope of the Pampas, no Sir. Gerardo knows what he’s doing. They don’t call him Tata for nothing.

Huh?

Ta-Taaaa, Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-Taaaaaaaa! Ta-ta-ta-ta-Taaaaaaaaa!

Oh, I get it. Yeah, blazing trumpets. Cute. Some say he’s not Catalan enough for this team.

Sheeeeit, by the time he’s done they will hand him the keys of the city. He’ll be trainer, mayor ‘n president and all at the same time. Every other sentence heard on the streets of Barcelona will be “Who the f— is Pep?” They will change the country’s name to Tatalunya!

Enough with the madness already. You’re making my head spin. Why can’t you be more normal, like me? I thought you’d be more chilled out half-asleep. You’re still a crazy bastard.

I am chilled out, man. What the f—.

Yeah, I guess you are not as bad as usual. Wish you wouldn’t cuss as much, though.

Awwww be honest, you love me the way I am. Show me some love, man, let’s do it!

Hey, kids might read this, man, that’s nasty.

Here we go again (sigh). Always with the kids, huh. No kidding, man, but you’re boring! Anyway where we gonna watch the game, bro?

See, I don’t know. I don’t wanna go to La Rambla cause there’s just way too many tourists out there.

Shit now who’s crazy? The Rambla. Ha! Very funny! You act as if you’re in motherf—–g Barcelona or something.

Eh, du-uh! Where have you been?

Inside your head.

Yeah, and have you ever bothered to look out of my eyeballs?

I see a computer screen. An orange wall. A fan. And three mirrors. What you got three mirrors for? Wanna be three times as ugly?

Look to the left.

Ok.

Out the window.

Uh-huh…

(waaaait for iiit…)

WHOAH!!! Oooh shit! We’re in (breathe), we’re in (breathe), we’re in (breathe), we’re in…WE’RE IN BARCELONA!!!

You mean I. In the eyes of our beholders there is no we, ’cause we are I. One person, not two. You should know that by now. This ain’t the first Clàssic preview signed by yours trulies. I, that’s who!

Yeah, whatevs b—ch. We live and direct from the city that never creeps: Mother…F—–g… Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar – Ceeeeeeeeeeeee – LONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! BARCELONA! BARCELONA! BARÇA! VISCA EL BARÇA! BARCELONA! OMG. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! WE’RE IN BARCELONA. BARCELONA! BARCELONA! BARCELONA. OH MY MOTHERF—–G GOD! I CAN’T BREATHE. I CAN’T (breathe), I CAN’T (breathe), I CA– I CA– I CA– AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH! BAAARCELONAAAA! BARCE—

Calm down, calm down. Calm down. I know how you feel, boss. Please, just trust me and calm down. Maintain focus. Stay sharp. Concentrate. Waaait for it. And inform our readers in a cool and collected manner that we will now write our articles for the best football blog in the world from the best football city in the world. The Camp Nou better be ready for us, and by the way, I really hope you’re not gonna get me banned. Enjoy el Clàssic, y’all! Visca el Barça i visca Catalunya. Over and out.

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Written by:

Culé since way before football boots were of the neon yellow and lizard green variety, Levon is a deep thinker with increasingly shallow thoughts. He lives in Barcelona with his gorgeous wife and daughter. The lucky bastard...

139 Comments

  1. Jim
    March 23, 2014

    Yesssssss

  2. Valdemar II
    March 23, 2014

    MESSI HATTTRICK I CAN DIE THIS SECOND LARGER DOMINANCE THAN THE MANITA F HELL THIS SHOULD Be 7-0 GOD IS REEAL

  3. Messiah10
    March 23, 2014

    Kiss that badge Lionel!!!!

  4. Ryan
    March 23, 2014

    What a great finish for Messi’s penalty.

    • Messiah10
      March 23, 2014

      Incredible. I mean that kick means all the marbles and most if not all players would kick it low in either corner and he has the calmness and coolness to put it top right shelf. Unbelievable.

      • barca96
        March 23, 2014

        Balls of steel.

  5. Messiah10
    March 23, 2014

    Wow. Ghostface just pulling out all the stops!

  6. Valdemar II
    March 23, 2014

    Not a -single- doubt about it, we are now favorites to win the champions league. Swan song? We’re unlucky to not have 4 titles in a row.

    • bhed
      March 23, 2014

      Not with Masch as our starting CB.

  7. Messiah10
    March 23, 2014

    GLORY! Glorious Messi, Iniesta, Xavi, Busi, Pique, Alba in the 2nd half. Wow. I love this team.

  8. Laurentiu88
    March 23, 2014

    i have grown old 5 years during this game!! couldn’t watch messi’s second penalty…. pff what a second half!!

  9. Ryan
    March 23, 2014

    Whew, that was a crazy game! Really proud of our team in how they fought back from Benzema’s quick double.

  10. BA
    March 23, 2014

    what an absolutely brilliant (read: insane) game. who would have predicted 4-3 with 3 penalties?!

  11. georgjorge
    March 23, 2014

    THEY DID IT !

  12. Valdemar II
    March 23, 2014

    WORSE DOMINANCE THAN THE MANITA. BENZEMA USUALLY MISSES – WE SHOULD HAVE HAD 3 PENALTIES, MESSI ALONE WITH GK… 0-7 SHOULD HAVE BEEN. BEST TEAM EVER

  13. xavi_purrnandez
    March 23, 2014

    aah, what a rollercoaster ride and what a joy to watch. Visca Barça!

  14. Peter
    March 23, 2014

    I have no fingernails left. Same with cuticles.
    Gone jogging at 10 pm local time. This is my celebration.

    /happytears

    • barca96
      March 23, 2014

      You have a choice of 24 colors;

      m.dhgate.com/product/the-manicure-set-24-color-nail-polish-plastic/143824075.html#pd-018

  15. raj
    March 23, 2014

    Iniesta was the difference. I mean we couldn’t have won with anyone else in his place. MAN of the match, with due respect to Messi.

  16. georgjorge
    March 23, 2014

    I hope all those who harp on about how Barca can only pass the ball sidewards and not score goals anymore (including the commentators on my German stream) can now finally shut up after seeing them score four when the opponent does NOT sit back with ten men all the time.

    Besides Messi (involved in all four goals), Iniesta stood out on the offense – one goal, one penalty drawn, always available as an outlet. Xavi majestic as always, Busquets always where he needed to be. Alba with crucial defensive runs, Pique solid in the air…gotta love this team (and would’ve even had they lost).

  17. G6O
    March 23, 2014

    This is literally the stuff the legends are made from 🙂

    Also, this is what a real classico looks like without a certain special factor present.

  18. TITO
    March 23, 2014

    Unbelievable game. This is what makes us Champions. But those last 10 minutes when we scored the third was great seeing Messi all the way back to our back line to defend. He wanted it so badly.

  19. barca96
    March 23, 2014

    What a rollercoaster of a game.

    Didn’t look like winning before another Ramos red card though. We were fairly even.

    Benzema seriously doesn’t look like a football player at times. Comedic misses, looking lethargic buy great control on his thigh for the 2nd goal though.

    • G6O
      March 23, 2014

      No question we got lucky somewhat. But with proper defenders, it does not go to 1-2 so easily. And if Messi and Neymar had converted the 1-on-1 chances they had when we were up 1-0, it’s 2-0 or 3-0 and they play a very different game and most likely do not score 3. Lots of if’s. But we got the three points and we had the character and spirit expected of one of the greatest teams ever to come back twice.

      • barca96
        March 23, 2014

        Yeah with a proper 2nd CB, we wouldn’t have conceded 2. We were killing it in the early stages. Great stuff. Too bad they couldn’t converted. Messi would’ve buried that on a normal day. It could’ve been too much for Madrid to come back.

  20. PrinceYuvi
    March 23, 2014

    My face is inflammed with all the scratching.
    My mouth is bitter with Bile.
    My heartbeats woke up the whole neighbourhood.
    But the taste of barca winning a classico is sweet.
    I’ll take it.

  21. lala10
    March 23, 2014

    as always messi was the difference and they wer as tyt to him like a flea.

    Even if we drop off a bit as long as we have him we have a fighting chance.

    Visca Barca

  22. March 23, 2014

    God i love this team. That is all.

  23. scribblez
    March 23, 2014

    What a match! Had to cover my eyes during the penalties. Most exciting match in a long long time. So proud of our team. Visca Barca!!

    • barca96
      March 23, 2014

      When Messi is taking it, you don’t have to cover your eyes :’) (wink)

      • scribblez
        March 23, 2014

        Haha! You’re right. Though the penalties almost killed me today.

    • Peter
      March 23, 2014

      I covered my eyes and ears… and prayed…

  24. barca96
    March 23, 2014

    When Messi is taking it, you don’t have to cover your eyes :’) (wink)

  25. chillipod
    March 23, 2014

    We are seriously running out of time to clone Xavi! Iniesta and Messi were magnificent.
    Tata belatedly resolved the Neymar issue and Pedro sealed the deal.
    Messi celebrations and team hug at the end were real scrapbook moments.
    Oh, and Xabi, you’ve had that coming for about 5 years!!!
    Visca Barca

    • barca96
      March 23, 2014

      A red card is what still awaits him.

  26. ciaran
    March 23, 2014

    Just to anger myself I read goal.com’s ratings after the match maybe because I’m stupid or maybe because I wanted to make myself go crazy but Madrid’s average score was 3.29 and Barca’s 3.08 suggesting that Madrid played better individually.
    Ronaldo got 4, Bale got 3.5 and Neymar and Alves got 2 each.

    Retarded

    • Laurentiu88
      March 23, 2014

      🙂 that site really sucks!

    • PrinceYuvi
      March 23, 2014

      Goal.com is beyond crap.

    • Ryan
      March 23, 2014

      It’s so bad that we used to call it BS.com around here. 🙂

  27. Laurentiu88
    March 23, 2014

    yes, i second that Xabi had this coming!!!

    hahaha real never beat us at football!!!

    and now they travel to sevilla without ramos and dimaria.

    in the real players were so tired. i knew we were better physically.

  28. y2k156
    March 23, 2014

    fantastic game. am happy as bunny. even bought couple of beers jut to celebrate! love this feeling.

    as the match goes, well, it was lucky. the penalties, all three of them were soft. messi and iniesta were fantastic. neymar was not that good.

    been almost two years since most people realize that we need tall defenders and we suffer because we do not have tall defenders. same today. am afraid i dont think this team will win a lot with current lot. i hope they prove me wrong but we are too vulnerable against high balls.

    who cares, happy to have beat EE. Penalties were ice cold. Wohoo.

  29. March 23, 2014

    “But for this,” “but for that.” This team pulled off a hell of an accomplishment today, that should be celebrated. So much doubt, and this team came through. It has beaten RM home and away, and still has yet to lose a big match. I am so happy I could spit.

    Scream, dance, celebrate and honor your team.

    • March 23, 2014

      Hear, hear!

  30. ciaran
    March 23, 2014

    What a match… I’ve finally calmed down after that emotional rollercoaster.
    We were immense. Most of our players played out of their skin and really showed the world that it certainly isn’t the end of a cycle.

    Valdes was disappointed with the Benzema header but made some vital stops. He was also unlucky with the penalty.
    Alves was solid and kept a very tight eye on Ronaldo. He was unlucky to give away a penalty when the contact was outside the box but he did stick a leg out.
    Masch was terrible unfortunately. You can’t make him taller and in games when 1 goal can be all important he gave away 2 of them because of his aerial ability. He needs to be 3rd choice in games like this.
    Pique was very good. Calm on the ball, confident in the air and wasn’t beaten all night.
    Alba was fantastic, Bale ran at him time and time again and had no joy. He was obviously holding back on the offensive side but defensively was great.

    Busquets made the right decisions all night as usual. Moved the ball well and made interceptions at the right times.
    Xavi was good on the ball all night and showed how important he is to our team and our system.
    Cesc was good with the ball at times and ran himself into the ground. I wish he had more pace but he has a good brain and could’ve had a few assists with better finishing.

    Iniesta was magic on the ball and that goal was fantastic. He has gotten his shooting boots on the past couple of league matches. The way he glides past players is great to watch.
    Neymar gave the ball away too easily at times but was still involved in 2 goals and got Ramos sent off so without him we wouldn’t have won the game. Another decent performance in a big match.
    Messi – what else can you say about the best player in history. Goals & assists when it matters the most and he is always decisive.

    Tata picked the team that he has trusted in all of the biggest matches and Alexis & Pedro are unlucky not to be in those but they have been very important to our season.

    Once again, a phenomenal match in which we outplayed one of the top 3 teams in the world in their backyard in a match where they were favourites. What more can you ask of this team?

  31. andrecito
    March 23, 2014

    wow…what a great feeling..worth getting down to the bar at 5am to watch. some things i wasnt happy with but youre right kxevin, no need to complain..our guys were huge..

    iniestazo! what a way to start a match..i love watching dani vs. ronaldo..is it just me, or does he seem to own him..forever? the moment i saw pepe getting into some trash talking with messi..i knew things were going to go our way…yeah, good idea pepe-rile up the guy who has scored the most goals against your team-EVER! (not sure if that is accurate, but must be close).

  32. ooga aga
    March 23, 2014

    So proud. Watched at a bar in Seattle, bedlam. The folks watching the sounders playing away at Montreal were confined to a small corner, because yes Seattle knows its football. Well, there were some ronaldo fanboys there, but most were for the good guys.

    Now where are those barca fans who were in here saying we would pull an arsenal?

  33. Serena Andre
    March 23, 2014

    What a match. I am so proud of this team. No matter if we win a treble or nothing, this has been one hell of a season. So many ups and downs, I can hardly keep up with my emotions. But matches like this make it all worth while. I’m going to watch this a minimum of 10 times, I can guarantee it.

  34. PrinceYuvi
    March 23, 2014

    So, this season we’ve rocked all the big matches.
    I don’t know what to say.
    Some performance.
    It’s wondrous.

  35. psalmuel
    March 23, 2014

    Thong boy is crying about the ref! Conspiracy theories etc

    • Víctor
      March 23, 2014

      “the referee this, the referee that, referee is barcelona’s best player, if it wasn’t for the refs, blah blah blah”

      Strangely enough, when the refs make mistakes against barcelona nobody talks about it…

      and, on this particular game, the ref made mistakes against both sides…

    • bhed
      March 23, 2014

      That was the same game I watched. And with Hunter seconding my opinion on Masch, I rest my case.

    • stefan2k
      March 24, 2014

      What a crazy game and a great review. Agree on all points except maybe Masche. He was very strong against City and various other big opponents.

      Iniesta was #magic all night and what a player Xavi is … I felt we had a chance at 3:2 down when he tracked back, stole the ball and had this intent on his face.

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