Sure, why not?
In this week’s hot rumor, the Manchester United hitman is rumored to a “priority” for us. Apparently he calls Piquenbauer all the time to talk about what it’s like to play for us (“Dude, they make me polish all the trophies!), and he is purportedly our main summer transfer target.
Last week it was Ribery, the week prior it was Fabregas. This week it’s Rooney.
Not coincidentally, he’s in contract negotiations with United, who are balking at his stratospheric wage demands, numbers that we, apparently, are willing to meet.
Those numbers? Just over 9 million Euros per annum, a tariff that would still put him beneath the fat-ass pay packets of Ibrahimovic and (most importantly) Messi. Oh, and that number is after tax. It would come out to something like 230,000 per week. Rock.
Now, this only slightly more than we’re paying one Thierry Henry, a man that many, many cules would like to see run out of town on le rail.
Now, there are many questions: Do we need him? Where would he play? How likely is he to come?
Do we need him? Define need. It sure would be nice to have him, that’s for sure. He tracks back on defense like a madman, plays all over the pitch and has a work rate that few would argue with. And he scores goals. He has a kick-ass shot from all kinds of angles, and is that kind of blaster from distance that we seem to still (despite all of our shoot! shoot! urgings) be lacking. He’s also fast, physical and in the right match context, can be a difference maker. Imagine a front line of Messi, Ibrahimovic and Rooney, for just a moment.
Where would he play? Aye, there’s the rub. We’ve seen him on the wing, and in the center of the pitch. Where he’d play for us, is right where Henry currently does, on the left wing. And in my opinion, he would raise holy hell out there. He could also drift into the middle, switching with Ibrahimovic. He’s a very good passer (though not as good as Henry), and he has the strength to retain possession.
How likely is he to come? About as likely as your looking out the window and seeing me, painted pink, flying past your window by flapping my little arms, singing “Eeee de, de de de!”
He’s negotiating a new contract with United. Who better to use as a goad to shake more money out of his current club than their international arch-rivals? Rooney is more English than Big Ben. The idea that he would leave United, a club that he said he wants to spend his entire career with. Obviously, players say stuff like that all the time. But Rooney isn’t that kind of a dude. I’m pretty sure that he means it.
Which means what? In my opinion, that Rooney will sign a new deal with United, that will not quite be the number he wanted, but it will be a number that makes him happy, because he already has more money than Croesus. Ferguson will smile, and it will all be great.
But the real reason is a little-known FIFA rule, Article SPF60, which states that no team can have two players who, when they go out into the sun, need the sunscreen equivalent of an asbestos shroud. This is because combined, particularly when both have receding hairlines, they can blind an opposing keeper, if they stand side-by-side at the right time, from the right angle.
And that’s what I know.
Update! This Just In! A BFB Exclusive! We’ve just found a transcript of a conversation between Wayne Rooney and his best chum Gerard Pique. Who would ever have guessed they went anything like this…
Gerard Pique: Bueno?
Wayne Rooney: Oh, uh, hey, uh, hola, buenos dios, um, Gerard Pique s’il vous plait.
GP: Goddammit, man, first off I speak English and secondly, you know this is my cell phone. Who else would be answering?
WR: Oh, sorry, mate.
GP: So what’s up, dogg? I’ve got to meet with the president in a few minutes to discuss my contract renewal.
WR: I was just calling to see how things were in Barcelona…you know, like as friends and stuff.
GP: Wayne, look. No offense or anything cause you’re a good player, but you’re not Barça material.
WR: Why not?
GP: What are triangles for, Wayne?
WR: That’s the shape Coleen cuts my sandwiches into!
GP: And that, mate, is why. Plus, we had this exact conversation yesterday. Don’t you remember? [noise in background] Gotta go, Joan is waiting.
WR: Oh, so you’re all dressed up, that’s cool.
GP: I’m wearing sweatpants and a tight T-shirt with random English words that make no sense.
WR: And I’m the idiot?
[both hang up, shaking their heads]