Get Your Ta Tas Out, Vol. I: The Man in the Pistachio Polo

While BFB readers are the most informed, insightful, and (surely) attractive in the whole World Wide Web, Gerardo Martino’s appointment as FCB’s new coach this August took many of us by surprise. However, your humble SoMa, who successfully led the Cheeseburg Lil’ Kickers to a 1-5 season this Fall (ba-bam!), is uniquely qualified to appraise Martino’s managerial virtues. In weeks to come, I will provide the occasional commentary on our new coach and why he gotta be all like that.

ta daFirst, we must address the dress. Unless its blinding shade has blurred your vision, you will have noticed that Martino wears the same exact shirt to every Liga match. Its unusual color inspired a manner of halftime sport in casa SoMa: Name That Crayola. Serious contenders included: key lime pie; mint chocolate chip ice cream; and flourescent puke (which garnered the most votes.)

The color has been definitively identified as “pistachio.” [1]

Now, I am not only a community-center trained soccer coach; I am also a married community-center trained soccer coach. And when I first laid eyes on the Wrinkled Green Monster, I turned to my husband, Earl.

“Earl,” says I. “I endeavor to enlighten. And please do not use my commemorative Lionel Messi tile as a coaster.”

“Yep,” says Earl, taking a swig of his Estrella Damm.

“There are only two kinds of men in this world who would wear a pistachio polo to a soccer match.” I deftly remove the sweating bottle from the ceramic ware.

“Yep,” says Earl, reaching deep into a bag of stale Doritos.messi_tile_coaster

“The first kind of man,” I says. “Is Daniel Alves. You are getting Cheddar Blast dust all over my Frank Rijkaard collectible figurine.”

“You ever seen Daniel Alves in a flourescent puke T-shirt?” yawns Earl, draining the bag of its crumbs.

“No, I have not,” I confess. “But a man who sports square diamond studs in each ear is not reticent to don a certain brilliance of hue. Let’s move on to the second kind of man.”

“If’n you don’t mind,” replies Earl, shaking the withered bag.

“The second kind of man,” I continue, dust-bustering the spouse. “Is a married man.”

“How you figure?” Now he done woke up!

“A married man wears a pistachio polo because his wife bought it for him,” I pronounce with an air of triumph. “His wife, to whom he promised before Lord and family to cleave forever and yon, and whom he loves more’n life itself.”

“Meh,” observes Earl.

kit“And so he would never take said gift and hide it in the back of his closet behind his bowling shoes, in hopes she would not discover that the 2012-2013 away-kit he received as an anniversary present has yet to be worn.”

“And if said kit,” says Earl. “Was to make a man resemble more than anything a traffic barrel?”

“A traffic barrel who has won his twenty-second Liga title,” says I.

“Woman,” sighs Earl. “I tell you what.”

“Hm,” says I, spit-polishing my Thierry Henry bobble-head bobble.

“A married man who wears a pistachio polo,” says Earl, feeling rather loquacious all of a sudden. “Is done tired of hearing, ‘Why don’t you ever wear that pistachio polo I got you?’”

“That may be,” concedes I.images

“And just how,” presses Earl, tossing a copy of Der Spiegel on the brocade blaugrana table runner. “Do you fix on explaining this?”

“Husband,” says I. “My gift is prescience. Not omniscience.”


Next installment of Get Your Ta Tas Out: Vol. 2, The Unbearable Lightness of Being Normal.

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SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. October 24, 2013

    But will Tata still wear the Avocado Abomination after the draw against Osasuna? Is it still his “lucky shirt”? We’ll have to wait until our next away game to find out!

    And that picture of Pep in Lederhosen really deserves to be bigger… 😆

    • Peter
      October 24, 2013

      SoccerMom, I bow down before your eloquence.

      “And that picture of Pep in Lederhosen really deserves to be bigger…”
      It really doesn’t. I still value my eyesight.

      P.S. That’s not Avocado Abomination. Avocado Abomination is darker, even though it has distinctive pink vertigo-inducing notes. This is Pistachio.

  2. 86ed
    October 24, 2013

    I ran a few Classico stats before the match on Saturday.
    There have been I think nine games in all competitions vs Real since 2012.

    2-1, 2-2, Copa
    1-2, League
    3-2, 1-2, Supercup
    2-2, 1-2, League
    1-1, 1-3, Copa

    By my count, we have 2 Ws, 4 Ls, and 3 Ds, 13 GF, and 17 GA. We have let in two goals or more in the last 5 times Real has paid us a visit.
    The stats say that they’ve been slightly supperior over the last couple of season. Let’s bring normalcy back with a victory on Saturday.

  3. IamXavi6
    October 24, 2013

    gave me chuckles on my way to work this morning! love the portrayal of Earl; great work

    • October 24, 2013

      Yes, it made me laugh as well. And I really needed that, this morning, too… Thanks, SoMa, brilliant stuff!

  4. KEVINO17
    October 24, 2013

    Am looking forward to this Classico because finally (it seems) Barca is going to sit back and play defensively for the first 20 – 25 minutes while RM huff and puff. Plenty of numbers behind the ball, hoofing the ball forward when necessary, counter-attacking. Perfect strategy. Then, when RM starts to tire, flood forward and put them to the sword.

    • Jim
      October 25, 2013

      Finally, we have achieved our goal- to play like Stoke on a Winter’s night 🙂

      Seriously, is there source that makes you think we’re likely to play like that ? You seem quite definite. Or is it just a feeling from Tata’s more pragmatic approach?

      • KEVINO17
        October 25, 2013

        Well, Tata hasn’t called me back. But he is pragmatic, Barca has been experimenting with dropping deep, Valdes now has a license to punt the ball when in danger and the way Barca gives up easy goals to RM’s stormtroopers in the first twenty minutes is is just nuts. So I can’t see Barca playing any other way. We wonderful if we scored a counter-attacking goal.

    • Jim
      October 25, 2013

      Yeah, it takes a bit to get me laughing at these but that is good. Waiting for CR7s reply. As an English teacher before moving into management that would have been a great creative writing task for my fourth year boys.

    • DianaKristinne
      October 25, 2013

      Thank you for that! I had a good laugh and it made me forget about the Clásico for 5 minutes.

  5. Miguel
    October 25, 2013

    awww soma’s back! :’)

    i can’t get over how sweet tata is wearing that horrid shirt matchday in and matchday out just to show his wife he loves her. that is so cute. i’ll never be able to look at my closet again without thinking “i shoulda just worn that dang shirt.”

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