“It’s not impossible. I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they’re not much bigger than two meters.”
To Leo Messi, who not only improved his penalty taking (not one miss during the whole season) but added free kicks to his arsenal. He can now be considered one of the world’s prime specialists and it is a fine weapon to have in our team.
“Hmmm. Adventure. Hmmpf! Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.”
To Thiago de Alcantara. Right now, I would not be surprised if he chooses to hone his craft elsewhere. He might get more playing time on somebody else’s grass, but is it really greener?
“I’ve just made a deal that will keep the empire out of here forever.”
To Florentino Perez, who said he will not make a bid for Thiago so as not make any hostile moves against Barça. Hmmm…
“…It’s not fair! They promised me they fixed it! It’s not my fault!”
To our capita Carles Puyol, who has spent more time on linen hospital bed sheets than on lush football pitches this year and is probably on first name basis with every doctor and nurse in Catalonia by now. His twenty-four career injuries outnumber his seasons of professional football played and at age 35, we can only wonder how long his body will hold up.
“Travelling through hyperspace ain’t like dusting crops, boy!”
To our Champion’s League campaign. The likes of Bayern Munich, Paris Saint-Germain, AC Milan and Celtic have proven to be significantly stiffer competition than pretty much all of our weekend adverseries except one – the Evil Empire who we were lucky enough to avoid in Europe. We conquered the league this year by beating the hell out of its minnows. Playing against the big boys is not the same thing.
“But how could they be jamming us if they don’t know… that we’re… coming?“
To those opponents mentioned here above who sure organized their defenses in a way to make us look toothless.
“Now, witness the power of this fully operational battle station.”
To our 4-0 dismantling of AC Milan at the Camp Nou. Obliterate rossoneri we had to, and obliterate rossoneri we did. After having lost 2-0 in the first leg at the San Siro, it was the only option available to us. Although we missed intensity throughout most of the season, I don’t know if I have ever seen us press like that. Lionel Messi, Andrés Iniesta and Dani Alves stood out, and our Brazilian fullback in particular was all over opponents in a manner that was close to sexual. One of the best games I have seen Barça play.
“Would somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?!”
Oh, what’s that? Dmytro Chygrynskiy was sold in 2010? Oh, ok… sorry, uhmmm, count this one as done, then.
“I never doubted you. Wonderful!”
To Alexis Sanchez, who I never doubted to eventually escape my scorn and ridicule for all the easy chances he wasted during the first half of the season. Thank you for proving me right during the final stretch.
“Stay on target!”
Again to Alexis Sanchez, hoping that he will continue next season the way he ended this last one. We do not want to see him repeat the three month stinkfest that almost had him shipped back to Italy. And yes, I know he made really nice runs and tracked back a lot during those months. Still, I want to see the Lexus we saw at the end of the season, not the Volkswagen Beetle we saw at the beginning.
“No reward is worth this.”
During the season I said that the biggest prizes we could win this year were Abidal’s and Vilanova’s health and that any “football” prize would be insignificant in comparison. So both survived cancer and we won the league. But did Eric Abidal holding up the Liga trophy looking all awkward and unhappy make you feel all awkward and unhappy, too?
“Laugh it up, fuzzball!”
LOL at Alex Song. Our squad might be famous for making new players feel right at home, but did you really thing our captain called on you to be the first to lift the league trophy in the air? Unintentional comedy is often the best comedy!
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
About Thiago’s pending departure and Zubizaretta resigning out of solidarity with the dismissals of Technical Secretary Narcís Julià and Scouting Coordinator Albert Valentina. About the apparent lack of communication between the board and its staff members and players regarding contract extensions and what not. About the Abidal affair and about how the entorno is split between Laportistas, Cruijfistas, Guardiolistas and Rosellistas. About the lack of criticism from the media and about how Rosell has changed the statutes regarding how many votes it would take to have him removed from office. That’s a lot of bad feelings about a lot of thiseses, a lot of which have to with the board. However I reserve an even worst feeling about another this, namely Leo’s tax problems…
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
To our dear readers whose comments I, by way of exception, plowed through before writing my last Champion’s League review of the season. I usually write first and read later – so as not to get influenced by other people’s opinions – but I found that particular comment thread… instructive. Sentiments ranged from “Sell Messi” to “Burn Tito”. Ok, I lied about one of those. Can you tell which one?
“Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
We conceded goals from six set pieces in the quarter final and semi final rounds of the CL and in the clasicos. Yes, I know, teams with tall players also concede from corners (cough, M*drid, cough), but having Alvin and the Chipmunks guard the likes of Thiago Silva, Mario Gomez and Sergio Ramos does not help.
“You are unwise to lower your defenses.”
So our technical staff laughed in the face of established wisdom for two straight summers by failing to reinforce our back line. Making the same mistake thrice would be akin to sitting on a lightsaber with a faulty safety switch.
“He certainly has courage… -Yeah, but what good is that if he gets himself killed?”
Although I applaud Jonathan Dos Santos’ decision to stay and fight for his place, wouldn’t it have been better for his career if he had taken his coach’s advice and continued his career at another team? Young players are supposed to want to play, not sit in the stands for a living.
“You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.”
Even though his exclamation point has faded as of late (eeeerrr, meaning the last two seasons or so), he did blast us into the CL semis with a wonderfully taken strike against PSG. I would not mind Pedrito having more of these “moments”.
“Ben, I can be a Jedi! Ben, tell him I’m ready!” (Thumps head on ceiling) “Ow!”
To Gerard Deulofeu. In the limited minutes that you get, please stop trying to dribble past three defenders every time you get the ball, and even less so if you can’t get by the first one. Make the simple pass sometimes. Hopefully your moment will come.
“Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.”
Definitely Dani Alves’s crosses. They either reach their target or fly beyond the corner flag, with very little in between.
“What have you done? I’m backwards!”
Do you realize that after three seasons Javier Mascherano is probably the first Barcelona defender to have scored two goals… both in the wrong net? And in this season Gerard Piqué, Dani Alves and Jordi Alba all joined in on the fun. I don’t remember so many own goals.
“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.”
I was very impressed by Neymar for declaring that he has come to Barcelona to help Lionel Messi remain the best player in the world. Whether naturally humble or extremely well drilled, this was exactly what we wanted to hear. The signs are looking good. Let’s hope the Force is strong with this one!
“Bounty hunters! We don’t need this scum.”
To Tito, vowing to make very little changes to our squad after our Champion’s League fiasco.
“These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.”
To SPORT and El Mundo Deportivo. Just cause you say we are this close to buying Silva, Hummels, Reina, Rooney, Gündogan, Matthieu, Ter Stegen, Torres, Mata, or whatever name you come up with, does not make it true.
“Mind tricks won’t work on me, only money.”
Speaking of Thiago Silva, reportedly he won’t come for the salary which we would or could offer him, despite being on record as saying that Barcelona was his favorite team as a boy because of all the Brazilians strutting their footballs in the Camp Nou. Do we still want him to come at all cost, or should we go for a cheaper (and younger) option?
“There was nothing you could have done, Luke, had you been there. You’d have been killed too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire.”
In the end, such was the difference between Bayern and Barça that not even the best football player on the planet would have made much of a difference. Will we do better next season…?
“Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.”
Really, I am just happy to be a culé. We have had an incredible season and I can’t wait for the next one to begin. Let’s enjoy supporting the most beautiful club in the world!