1. Lionel Messi will win his fourth consecutive ballon d’or and Don Andrés will come in second. To the glee of viewers worldwide a certain no.7, expected to smile for the camera and shake the winner’s hand, will not manage to do so. Instead he’ll throw a hissy fit, throw a chair at the camera and storm off the set with tears streaming down his cheeks, crying “this is not justice”, and “eu sou o milhor”. Simon Cowell will purchase the production rights for the 2014 edition.
2. After we are forced to buy back Bojan Krkic for 13 million euros, Milan will loan him for the next five seasons, paying 50% of his salary over ten years. Milan’s coach will be happy with that deal, saying Bojan is so good he is ‘unplayable’. We will be happy too, because Bojan is unplayable.
3. Atlético will be in 2nd place until the last game of the season, on which they will have the epic meltdown usually reserved for their seventh game of the season in which Falcao roars his way to a hat trick before their nerves get the best of them and they concede four second half goals. The Tiger’s sold to the London Zoo where his new trainer will make constant remarks to the press that Messi is too tame to be considered the best player in the world.
4. In an effort to please the Catalan independence movement Rosell will banish Spanish as a second language at the Camp Nou. In order to consolodate his Qatari dependence movement he will replace it with Arabic.
5. Injury will get Puyolled, as our fearless captain is found running laps around the Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper a mere two days after breaking his left leg. He then kills training ground visitor Chuck Norris with a round house kick to the face. The judge gives himself life without parole, just for thinking about sentencing Carles Puyol.
6. Sport and El Mundo Deportivo will honor Xavi for having broken the all-time record for passes completed in a calendar year. AS will start a campaign placing doubt upon the validity of such record while Marca will claim only passes to players in white shirts should count as completed.
7. Jonathan Dos Santos will sign a new contract that will have him at the club for five more years. In a statement released to the press he reiterates his desire to retire at Barcelona: “I will never give up on my dream. I believe I have the quality to sit in the stands of the Camp Nou for the remainder of my career.”
8. Pedro will score another goal.
9. We will play eight clásicos in 2013. Everybody will be fed up after the second one, which won’t stop anyone from frantically anticipating the next six games. Valdes will make a howler in at least one of them, and Mascherano in another. Jordi Alba will continue the fine tradition of Barcelona players scoring against Madrid in their debut season. Ronaldo’s streak of gesturing to orgasmic admirers to calm down will finally come to an end.
10. Tito and Abidal will shine again for F.C. Barcelona, both for many years to come.
I wish you all a New Year filled with health, love and Barça golazos!