(Kari isn’t back, but she is. We’ve appropriated her verbiage for a post, because it deserves to live on in permanence, instead of having to sift through hundreds of comments. Yup.)
Here is some unadulterated nonsense to cheer you guys up (or conversely make you all so angry you’ll rage in happiness. Wait, wha-?)
FCB board discuss Alex Song Transfer
[14:10 GMT, Barcelona board room – Secret Location – Barcelona — Spain]
Josep Bartomeu: Alright, so we need to get around to finalizing the transfer of player X-10924323.
Antoni Zubizarreta: [calmly nods] Yes, yes, of course.
Sandro Rosell: [thinking] Oh God I have no idea what they’re talking about what do I do what do I do [nods confidently] Yes, yes, of course.
Bartomeu: Okay, so I need you [turns to Rosell and hands him papers] to sign these. Then, I’ll fly over to London…
Rosell: [takes papers] Gotcha. [thinking] Now I’ll just casually find out who the heck they’re talking about while cooly examining the papers I am a genius [reads first page]
PL X-10924323: Alexandre “Alex” Dimitri Song Billong
Club: La Masia – London Branch
Position: Unnecessary. Other: DM/CB
Preferred Foot: ?
Hair Level: SSJ3
Power Level: 0.123 Raditz / -10,322 Mascherano
[Rosell stops reading]
Bartomeu: …so hopefully I won’t be stoned by angry Arsenal fans, though, to be fair, it’s been a crappy couple of days for them. RVP apparently moved to…
Rosell: [interrupts] Oi! What the hell is this?
[Bartomeu and Zubi turn to face Rosell]
Bartomeu: Is there something wrong?
Rosell: Yes! This profile!
Zubi: [confused] What’s wrong with it? I wrote it myself, after consulting some scouts…
Bartomeu: [nods in agreement] Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with it, really.
Rosell: [stares] There’s clearly a problem with this.
Zubi: And that is…?
Rosell: We’re going after a player named Alexandre “Alex” Dimitri Song Billong.
Zubi: Well, yeah. I thought you knew…?
Rosell: [falters slightly] O-of course I d-do. Did? [recovers] Anyway, the point is: What kind of name is that?
Bartomeu: An awesome one?
Rosell: [slams hands on desk] I will not allow it!
Zubi: Why? We spent so much of our Tapping Up quota to get to this point—
Bartomeu: …though we really aren’t tapping anyone up just so we’re clear…
Rosell: Because we’ll become the laughing stock of Europe with a player with a name like that! Do you know how many puns— how many utterly terrible ones — people will make? I can just see them now: “Barca on Song as They Destroy Real Madrid 5-0” or “Barca’s Song still out of tune”. No! This cannot go on!
Zubi: [considers for a moment] I see your point… but just so we’re clear: you didn’t find anything wrong with the profile itself, did you?
Rosell: Oh, no. It was tight. Good job.
Bartomeu: But we’re too far gone in this transfer to just say no, though…
Rosell: Then we’ll protract this transfer as long as possible so they get offended and pull out! [thinks] I’m a genius I’m a super genius the greatest genius to have geniused since Genius himself!
Bartomeu and Zubi: Alright. That sounds like a plan.
And there you have it. If Song signs, it’s because Arsenal weren’t offended. If he doesn’t, it’s because they were.
Please, be offended, Arsenal!