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So, yeah. Well. *sigh*. It’s just. You know. I don’t know.

Not that it’s all been … of course. That was sorta funny. And that turned out o.k. Yesterday was all right. I guess.

Still, it just feels so. Until. Suddenly. For the first time in. Weeks, maybe. It’s …

Sunday, 4 p.m. EST. “Football for Kids with José Mourinho!” on GolTV.

I know, I know. Typical, right? So culé. Oughta be above, and beyond, and way over, and all that.  Like Dani and Thiago. Coming, Cap’n!

But I can’t help it. The man is Midas to a hack like me. Everything he touches is comedy Goldie Freakin’ Hawn.

C’mon. They’re all up over Cibeles by now anyway. Grab a bag of stale Schadenfreuders and tune in with me.


[Announcer]: Hello, children! Are you all ready for some football or, as it’s normally called, soccer, today?

[Children]: Yea!

[Announcer]: Great! Let’s give a big round of high-fives for today’s coach … José Mourinho!

[Enter Mourinho.]

[Child #1]: He looks mad.

[Child #2]: Uncle Mourinho, are you mad?

[Mourinho]: Who are you? [Squints at child’s t-shirt] Tito? Pito? Pinto? I don’t even know who you are.

[Announcer]: All right, everyone, let’s get ready to play some soccer! Or as Uncle Joe calls it for some reason … football!

[Mourinho (whistles)]: Venga, let’s go, vamos lá

[Enter Cristiano Ronaldo, Fabio Coentrao and Pepe. They stand in a semi-circle in midfield.]

[Child #3]: Who are these clowns? This is a three-on-three league.

[Announcer]: Coach Mourinho, this is the kindergarten bracket. I’m afraid that your players …

[Mourinho]: Eh? Qual é o problema? What you want? You want I go sit on your minivan for the end of the game, huh? You want we talk then? [Pokes Announcer in the eye.]

[Announcer]: Ow. [Retires from field, holding hands over face.]

[Mourinho (turns to Child #3, pokes him in the chest)]: I’ma gonna teach you football. Real futebol, like a mans, not like a little girls. Capice, little girl? [Child #4 nods.]

[Mourinho whistles. Ronaldo scores. Ronaldo runs to sidelines, celebrates.]

[Child #1]: What’s he doing?

[Child #3]: My older brother says it has to do with boo-

[Mourinho]: All right, venchega aí. [To Child #2] I want you go score a gol. Kick hard, yes? Else I bench you for one of my Portuguese nephews.

[Mourinho whistles. Child #2 runs at ball. Pepe tackles Child #2. Pepe kicks dirt at Child #2’s head.]

[Child #1]: Uncle Mourinho, I think Lenny is hurt. His hair is swelling.

[Child #3]: He wants his mommy.

[Mourinho]: Ay, why me, why these players, this Ref, this production crew, all against me. Por qué? Porquê? Perché?

[Announcer (returning with face bandaged)]: Mr. Mourinho, this will be quite enough. I’m showing you a red card, sir!

[Mourinho (steps forward)]: Do you show us a red card, sir?

[Announcer]: Um, I do not show a red card to you, sir, but I do, um, show a red card …

[Mourinho]: Bah! [Waves hand; Christiano, Pepe and Fabio follow.]

[Announcer (turns to camera, weakly)]: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it, kids?

[Children moan softly, scuff toes in dirt, sniffle.]

[Announcer]: Please, families, join us again for “Football for Kids” next week with … Captain John Terry!

[Producer (furiously double-checks clipboard, on “hot mike”)]: Terry? You sure?

[Director (hisses)]: At least he speaks the g%$#@m language. Just put double-shin guards on the kids.

Commercial! Who’s up for burritos as big as your head?






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Written by:

SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. nzm
    April 30, 2012

    It’s a true dilemma: I can’t decide whether I really want whatever SoMa’s drinking/sniffing/taking, or not.


  2. April 30, 2012

    Hahaha. YOU WANT WE TALK THEN? Love the Mou pic to go with it.

    Thanks for the light-hearted post after last week’s heartbreaks.

  3. hansh
    April 30, 2012

    Did that… turn into Romeo and Juliet?

    Lit nerd here, I approve! 😀

  4. mom4
    April 30, 2012

    Sad that there is such a show.

    Didja all feel the earth shake when The Yaya was fouled to the ground.

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