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So, yeah. Well. *sigh*. It’s just. You know. I don’t know.

Not that it’s all been … of course. That was sorta funny. And that turned out o.k. Yesterday was all right. I guess.

Still, it just feels so. Until. Suddenly. For the first time in. Weeks, maybe. It’s …

Sunday, 4 p.m. EST. “Football for Kids with José Mourinho!” on GolTV.

I know, I know. Typical, right? So culé. Oughta be above, and beyond, and way over, and all that.  Like Dani and Thiago. Coming, Cap’n!

But I can’t help it. The man is Midas to a hack like me. Everything he touches is comedy Goldie Freakin’ Hawn.

C’mon. They’re all up over Cibeles by now anyway. Grab a bag of stale Schadenfreuders and tune in with me.


[Announcer]: Hello, children! Are you all ready for some football or, as it’s normally called, soccer, today?

[Children]: Yea!

[Announcer]: Great! Let’s give a big round of high-fives for today’s coach … José Mourinho!

[Enter Mourinho.]

[Child #1]: He looks mad.

[Child #2]: Uncle Mourinho, are you mad?

[Mourinho]: Who are you? [Squints at child’s t-shirt] Tito? Pito? Pinto? I don’t even know who you are.

[Announcer]: All right, everyone, let’s get ready to play some soccer! Or as Uncle Joe calls it for some reason … football!

[Mourinho (whistles)]: Venga, let’s go, vamos lá

[Enter Cristiano Ronaldo, Fabio Coentrao and Pepe. They stand in a semi-circle in midfield.]

[Child #3]: Who are these clowns? This is a three-on-three league.

[Announcer]: Coach Mourinho, this is the kindergarten bracket. I’m afraid that your players …

[Mourinho]: Eh? Qual é o problema? What you want? You want I go sit on your minivan for the end of the game, huh? You want we talk then? [Pokes Announcer in the eye.]

[Announcer]: Ow. [Retires from field, holding hands over face.]

[Mourinho (turns to Child #3, pokes him in the chest)]: I’ma gonna teach you football. Real futebol, like a mans, not like a little girls. Capice, little girl? [Child #4 nods.]

[Mourinho whistles. Ronaldo scores. Ronaldo runs to sidelines, celebrates.]

[Child #1]: What’s he doing?

[Child #3]: My older brother says it has to do with boo-

[Mourinho]: All right, venchega aí. [To Child #2] I want you go score a gol. Kick hard, yes? Else I bench you for one of my Portuguese nephews.

[Mourinho whistles. Child #2 runs at ball. Pepe tackles Child #2. Pepe kicks dirt at Child #2’s head.]

[Child #1]: Uncle Mourinho, I think Lenny is hurt. His hair is swelling.

[Child #3]: He wants his mommy.

[Mourinho]: Ay, why me, why these players, this Ref, this production crew, all against me. Por qué? Porquê? Perché?

[Announcer (returning with face bandaged)]: Mr. Mourinho, this will be quite enough. I’m showing you a red card, sir!

[Mourinho (steps forward)]: Do you show us a red card, sir?

[Announcer]: Um, I do not show a red card to you, sir, but I do, um, show a red card …

[Mourinho]: Bah! [Waves hand; Christiano, Pepe and Fabio follow.]

[Announcer (turns to camera, weakly)]: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it, kids?

[Children moan softly, scuff toes in dirt, sniffle.]

[Announcer]: Please, families, join us again for “Football for Kids” next week with … Captain John Terry!

[Producer (furiously double-checks clipboard, on “hot mike”)]: Terry? You sure?

[Director (hisses)]: At least he speaks the g%$#@m language. Just put double-shin guards on the kids.

Commercial! Who’s up for burritos as big as your head?






Categorized as Nonsense

By SoccerMom

SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. It’s a true dilemma: I can’t decide whether I really want whatever SoMa’s drinking/sniffing/taking, or not.


  2. Hahaha. YOU WANT WE TALK THEN? Love the Mou pic to go with it.

    Thanks for the light-hearted post after last week’s heartbreaks.

  3. Sad that there is such a show.

    Didja all feel the earth shake when The Yaya was fouled to the ground.

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