So, yeah. Well. *sigh*. It’s just. You know. I don’t know.
Not that it’s all been … of course. That was sorta funny. And that turned out o.k. Yesterday was all right. I guess.
Still, it just feels so. Until. Suddenly. For the first time in. Weeks, maybe. It’s …
Sunday, 4 p.m. EST. “Football for Kids with José Mourinho!” on GolTV.
I know, I know. Typical, right? So culé. Oughta be above, and beyond, and way over, and all that. Like Dani and Thiago. Coming, Cap’n!
But I can’t help it. The man is Midas to a hack like me. Everything he touches is comedy Goldie Freakin’ Hawn.
C’mon. They’re all up over Cibeles by now anyway. Grab a bag of stale Schadenfreuders and tune in with me.
[Announcer]: Great! Let’s give a big round of high-fives for today’s coach … José Mourinho!
[Child #1]: He looks mad.
[Child #2]: Uncle Mourinho, are you mad?
[Mourinho]: Who are you? [Squints at child’s t-shirt] Tito? Pito? Pinto? I don’t even know who you are.
[Announcer]: All right, everyone, let’s get ready to play some soccer! Or as Uncle Joe calls it for some reason … football!
[Mourinho (whistles)]: Venga, let’s go, vamos lá …
[Child #3]: Who are these clowns? This is a three-on-three league.
[Announcer]: Coach Mourinho, this is the kindergarten bracket. I’m afraid that your players …
[Mourinho]: Eh? Qual é o problema? What you want? You want I go sit on your minivan for the end of the game, huh? You want we talk then? [Pokes Announcer in the eye.]
[Announcer]: Ow. [Retires from field, holding hands over face.]
[Mourinho (turns to Child #3, pokes him in the chest)]: I’ma gonna teach you football. Real futebol, like a mans, not like a little girls. Capice, little girl? [Child #4 nods.]
[Mourinho whistles. Ronaldo scores. Ronaldo runs to sidelines, celebrates.]
[Child #1]: What’s he doing?
[Child #3]: My older brother says it has to do with boo-
[Mourinho]: All right, ven, chega aí. [To Child #2] I want you go score a gol. Kick hard, yes? Else I bench you for one of my Portuguese nephews.
[Mourinho whistles. Child #2 runs at ball. Pepe tackles Child #2. Pepe kicks dirt at Child #2’s head.]
[Child #1]: Uncle Mourinho, I think Lenny is hurt. His hair is swelling.
[Child #3]: He wants his mommy.
[Announcer (returning with face bandaged)]: Mr. Mourinho, this will be quite enough. I’m showing you a red card, sir!
[Mourinho (steps forward)]: Do you show us a red card, sir?
[Announcer]: Um, I do not show a red card to you, sir, but I do, um, show a red card …
[Mourinho]: Bah! [Waves hand; Christiano, Pepe and Fabio follow.]
[Announcer (turns to camera, weakly)]: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it, kids?
[Children moan softly, scuff toes in dirt, sniffle.]
[Announcer]: Please, families, join us again for “Football for Kids” next week with … Captain John Terry!
[Producer (furiously double-checks clipboard, on “hot mike”)]: Terry? You sure?
[Director (hisses)]: At least he speaks the g%$#@m language. Just put double-shin guards on the kids.
Commercial! Who’s up for burritos as big as your head?