Real Madrid and the Ras Al-Kaimah government announced plans for the “Real Madrid Resort Island” set to open in the Arab Emirates in January, 2015. Plans include a theme park, a five-star hotel, 60 stand-alone bungalows with private-beach access, a Real Madrid museum, athletic fields and the first-ever seaside football field with a 10,000 seating capacity. — marca.com (22/03/12)
Oh, for the love of Di Stefano! It’s de plane! Everyone deplane the plane. Now! Get off! And don’t forget to return your earphones to the stewardess.
Ahem. A-hem. Manitas up, please. I’d like to make a toast:
Ladies and gentlemen, I am your host. Welcome to … Real Madrid Paranoid Fantasy Island!
No, no, no. Please, ladies and gentlemen. Smiles, everyone. I said *@%# smiles!
All of us at Real Madrid Paranoid Fantasy Island welcome you to our peninsular pleasure palace. As you may have noticed during your safety-parachute drop, our locale resembles a large palm tree. You Westerners are at a loss to explain how such enormous patterns are made across the planet’s face. Well, no one has said it couldn’t have been pre-historic alien Maya gods in search of precious metals for their shiny time-machine.
We are now in the lobby, where our concierge will relieve you of your serious psychological baggage. Why, weren’t you aware that the First International Congress of Psychology Applied to Football recommends the “talking cure” to — where is the concierge? Oh, well. You wouldn’t want to meet him, anyway. You think he’s there to schedule your good time, but instead of a key-card he gives you a red one and then steals your Louis Vuitton luxury-luggage set. Vaya atraco.
Outdoors, our climate is perfectly controlled, our beaches shine with flecks of gold and the skies are always partly-sunny. Isn’t the Gulf lovely? A dip? No? Just as well. You never know when the press will arrive, with their follow-up questions and their picture-devices and their sensationalist-headlines. Six points, my culo. *%$@# sharks.
Now, as you can see, we also offer athletic fields, sports complexes, and a full-service spa. Who wouldn’t like to spend a pleasant hour or two in the Real Madrid vestuario after some good, old-fashioned gamesmanship? Our very own Norman can adjust your water temperature, close your plastic curtain and offer you a towel of 100% Egyptian cotton. Guests are not allowed to steal the towel. Sólo robar, that’s all you people do.
Now, the suites. In addition to a full-size brass-plate bedframe, each comes with a full city view; upholstered club chairs to entertain personal guests; a maple armoire for your belongings; and a bolt-lock door. Just in case someone is following you all season. You think you’ve gotten away, the silver stowed safely in your suitcase, when — bam! Out of nowhere comes some friend-o. And he’s a better chut than you. So here’s a sawed-off shotgun, courtesy of the Shah. Please return it at the end of your stay, ladrón.
Please, everyone. Smiles!