History Became Legend: El Clásico, Book I

Deep in the bowels of Morbor, the wicked sorcerer Mouron peers at a small black-and-white television set hooked up with frayed and smoldering cables to an ancient video-recording device, rewinding the squeaking bobbins and reviewing a tape. “It is a strange fate that we suffer so much fear over so small a thing,” he mutters, wringing his hands. “Such a little Leo thing.”

A large defender, great as an orc and carrying an enormous silver goblet, stumbles past. He pauses to nudge the cave troll standing at the doorway. “What’s he on about, then, Cap’n?” asks the orc. “More re-runs of last year’s … you know what?”

The cave troll shakes his head sadly. “That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it the rest of his life.”

The wicked Mouron spins in his three-legged stool. “What do you want?” He peers at the orc. “And a little more caution from you. That is a Supercopa; it is no trinket you carry.”

Startled, the orc drops the goblet. “I carry nothing,” he stammers. “ … Oops.”

As the orc bends to gather the pieces of the broken goblet, the cave troll nods towards the television set. “Hobbits really are amazing creatures,” he ventures. “You can learn all about their ways in a month, and yet season after season they still surprise you.”

The wicked one rises, trembling in a barely-controlled fury. “You do not seriously think that a hobbit can contend with the will of Mouron!” He leans toward the cave troll, who recedes. “There are none that can!”

The cave troll bows low. “I have dwelt in the White City since long ago.” He rises, his chest swelling with pride. “I swear to you I will not let it fall, nor our people fail.”

The orc stands up, his arms full of shattered silver. The wicked Mouron catches his reflection in a shard. He reaches out and strokes it, gently. “My own, my love … my preciousss …”

“Anyway,” continues the cave troll. “You need people of intelligence on this sort of … match … league … thing …”

“Well, that leaves you out,” the wicked Mouron snaps at the clumsy orc. “Orcs!” he calls. “Gather hither.”

“I know my duty, míster,” the clumsy orc pleads. “I am to mark the maravilla.”

The wicked Mouron raises an eyebrow. “Which maravilla?”

“Um, the Guaje.”

Buzz.” The wicked Mouron snaps.

“Then, the Niño?”

Buzz! Buzz!” The cave troll rolls his eyes upwards.

“Well, which is it?” the clumsy orc cries. “The niño maravilla or the guaje villa or the villa maravilla niño?”

The wicked Mouron grabs the clumsy orc by the collar. “Listen to me,” he hisses. “You find a maravilla, and you mark him todo el rato. Understood? Maravilla, todo el rato, Maravilla, todo el rato …”

The clumsy orc repeats dumbly: “Maravilla rato maravilla rato villa rato villa rato …”

More orcs lumber past. Ash Coentraorc. Ash Cristanorc. Ash Marcelorc. Ash Pepe. The wicked Mouron places his hand on each bowed head, then turns back to the cave troll and the clumsy orc. “I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”

The cave troll places a gloved hand on his badge. “Against the power of Morbor there will be no victory, my liege.”

The wicked Mouron raises a fist to the heavens. “I will be dead before I see another Copa in the hands of one of those blue and red … elves! Never trust an elf!” He whirls back to the television set.

The clumsy orc looks at the cave troll. “I’m hungry,” he says. “What about elevenses? Lunch?” The cave troll shakes his head, frowning. “Afternoon tea?”

“The hour is later than you think,” the cave troll says gravely. “We must to the bridge of Khedira-Doom.” He walks away, leaving the orc in the tunnel.

“Dinner?” the orc calls weakly. “Supper?”

End of Book I

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SoccerMom obsesses over FCB and this blog instead of grading papers, burning dinner and/or raising her small children. She blames a Spanish husband and easy access to Hispanic-targeted cable sports channels for her football addiction and consequent failure as a professor, housekeeper and mother.


  1. December 7, 2011

    Thank you thank you thank you
    Book II coming soon I hope, with a rousing pre-battle Pep speech at the gates of Morbor

    • mom4
      December 7, 2011

      Do not meddle in the affairs of SoMa for you are crunchy and good with ketchup for she is busy with kids and will get to more SoMa goodness in due time.

    • SoccerMom
      December 7, 2011

      The saga is, I believe, a trilogy.

  2. Miguel
    December 7, 2011

    What the %#@*’s an orc? SoccerMom’s a sell out.

    • SoccerMom
      December 7, 2011

      Yeah yeah yeah and next you’ll be telling me that Mih-lan isn’t full of eye-talians.

    • Miguel
      December 8, 2011

      And, yes, I still haven’t seen The Godfather. It played recently at one of the crappy revival theatres here and I missed it again. And then I noticed that over Thanksgiving it was on tv and I started to watch it at the part where a guy wakes up next to a horse head, a scene I’ve seen parodied a million times before, and then shortly thereafter it cuts to commercials. I was like, “%#@* this noise.”

    • SoccerMom
      December 8, 2011

      That’s the worst scene in the movie and it’s the one everyone knows. Argh! Really, there are only 3 clips to understand the whole mob mentality: 1. The undertaker’s plea at the wedding; 2. The restaurant with the police captain; 3. The godfather’s plea to the undertaker.

      Oh, and if it’s in the video game, it’s in the SoMa Trilogy.

  3. mom4
    December 7, 2011

    In the place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen!

    Yeah, and we call her SoMa.

    • BarcaGirl_Indo
      December 7, 2011

      hey, mom4! are you already feeling better? 🙂

    • mom4
      December 7, 2011

      I feel like crap(like the left side of my head will explode from sinus pressure), BG_Indo, but soccermom’s post made me happier. Thanks for asking.

    • BarcaGirl_Indo
      December 7, 2011

      hope you get well soon.

      glad you’re not mad anymore at Chiu, I’m sure he/she? didnt mean to offend you. 😉

    • Chiu
      December 7, 2011

      Get well soon mom4. Take a lot of sleep would help.

      I’m so sorry about my joke on last thread. I’m say it again here. I’ll never talked about it anymore. Just a youngun tried to throw joke to grownup. Cheers. Truce 🙂

    • mom4
      December 7, 2011

      Thanks! 🙂

  4. BarcaGirl_Indo
    December 7, 2011

    oh, SoMa… thank you…
    “The niño maravilla or the guaje villa or the villa maravilla niño?” 😆

  5. Dani_el
    December 7, 2011

    Thank you for writing even though you have a migraña.
    This part was great: Ash Coentraorc. Ash Cristanorc. Ash Marcelorc.

    Feel better .)

  6. December 7, 2011

    Off the Topic: Last time Manchester United got kicked out in Group stage was in 2005-06 season. We all know who won. Hope this time also that charm works perfectly.

    • December 7, 2011

      Ok, that’s not all. That year they got eliminated on the 7th of December. What was yesterday’s date? I am all beaming now.

    • Dani_el
      December 7, 2011

      Good info!
      It was surprising, to say the least, seeing both ManCity and ManUtd off Champions League. I was hoping for one of them to send out EE in quarter finals. .(
      At least we might see some extra-tough competition on Europa League.

    • December 8, 2011

      Same here…. Now it looks like we ourselves have to do that…. Surprising fact is that there is three Italian team now it Last 16.

    • swamidigital
      December 8, 2011

      Also too last year EE beat Ajax 4-0 (this year 3-0) before we dropped manita on them.

    • Chiu
      December 8, 2011

      Haha I don’t trust such coincidence actually. But as long as the outcome is favourable for us, let it be the supporting factors to our success this season 🙂

  7. December 7, 2011

    Oooh I think this alone might fill the ‘at least five Lord of the Rings references’ quota heh heh heh. Thanks SoMa.

  8. Megster
    December 8, 2011

    While reading the “I am to mark the maravilla”, I have a feeling it will end up to ““Maravilla rato maravilla rato … villa rato villa rato …” I imagine the Crackovia Roncero shouting these words…

    Nice one soccermom! Indeed, laughter is the best medicine from all clasico-nitis that we’re starting to feel right now.

  9. ooga aga
    December 8, 2011

    cant wait for the draw on Dec 16th, thats next friday.

    1st place teams: munich, inter, benfica, madrid, chelsea, arsenal, apoel nicosia, barcelona

    2nd place teams: napoli, cska moscow, basel, lyon, bayer leverkusen, marseille, zenit st petersburg, ac milan

    –> i would love to avoid a trip to russia. other than that not too concerned about who we will play. marseille would be interesting.

    • Chiu
      December 8, 2011

      Two russian team went through. Besides the long trip, game against east europe team usually tricky one. With respect to all runner up, I’m confident whoever we get, we can beat them.

      So there will be no big matches between top european team, except one of elites from group winner get ac milan.

  10. barca96
    December 8, 2011

    OT but thought that I should post this from Graham Hunter’s interview;

    Iniesta back and on decent form meant that there was a whole new vibe to a team which has been prone to giving the ball away, hasn’t pressed well and is looking slack instead of slick.

    Exactly what I’ve been saying for the past few weeks. And I’m still not confident about el Clasico. I purposely didn’t want to mention those things again this week because I want to give space for discussion to the CL match instead.

    Even though we won 2 matches in row (league), the pressing and the inability to maintain possession over a long period of time is worrying when we play against Madrid. They will punish the mistakes. They will enjoy the longer than usual ball possession that they will get because of the longer time it takes for Barca to recover due to the lack of pressure.

    As we all know, they are quick on the counter and because of the extra time given to them, they will more likely punish us.

    • Chiu
      December 8, 2011

      Yup, I sense the same. Lack of intensity on pressing. I hv seen this discussion as well in a last few threads.

      Have no clue what’s the reason.I believe pep recognise this and make correction

      somebody here hv assume that its because pep apply intense physical training to get us peak at Dec. Hopefully that’s true and our best performance will be seen on the classic and club world cup

  11. Gogah
    December 8, 2011

    Real Mordor is a great alternative to EE.
    also Mouron..lol 😀
    why does he pick on others’ eyes when there is a magnificent eye of mouron

  12. Dani_el
    December 8, 2011

    Sergi Roberto = Lampard + Cesc. NOT a 4.
    Martí Perarnau dixit.

    Agree 100%.

    Bartra + Fontas = our future centerdefenders?

    Bartra or Muniesa, one of them might replace Maxwell for next year?

    Keita, I believe, will renew his contract year to year. But Dos Santos might need minutes as our back-up back-up holding midfielder, can a 1.72m – 20 – year – old kid can be our back-up DMF? or Romeu will still come back? Romeu would cost 10M in July, 2012. He would cost 15M in July, 2013. Those 5M might be worthwile if they give him more EPL experience.

    In 60 hours exactly we will know our line-up for el clasico. Vamos!

    • Gogah
      December 8, 2011

      its funny, all this while i have been contemplating 3-4-3, 3-5-2 and other formations with cesc, masch, alexis, cuenca et al.
      now i am thinking, perhaps the best thing would be to field our good old 4-3-3 with last years starting 11.


    • December 8, 2011

      I think Fontas will probably leave the club eventually, with Bartra getting promoted. I wouldn’t mind my Valencia buying him, even. I prefer Bartra, personally, I think he’s better.

      Romeu has been playing some big games and getting a lot of minutes lately. Including the do-or-die CL game against Valencia where he started (while Lampard was on the bench, and Mikel too though I dunno if Mikel is injured or just benched). I think we’re fine in midfield for now so I’d rather we let him get that crucial EPL and CL experience in a physical side then invoke the buy-back clause in 2013.

      Also, might as well let him become a crucial cog in Chelsea before getting him back to leave a gaping hole in their side, heh heh heh *evil smile*

  13. December 8, 2011

    So I’m not the only one here who’s sick, Somofour? I hope the illnesses of all the members of this blog will be eased at least 24 hours before the game.

    • BarcaGirl_Indo
      December 8, 2011

      I was sick too last night, but feeling much better this morning.

      hopefully we all fit for El Clasico 🙂

  14. BarcaGirl_Indo
    December 8, 2011

    The Crossfire: El Clasico edition

    EE is represented by one of RMFB writer, and Barcelona by Jan, a writer from hayliga.pl.

    I read the article and “oh, nice crossfire. Respectful but with some banter. I know that EE guy, he seems cool and knowledgeable”

    then I read the comment section, and TB admin found out he (EE guy) posted a comment “hala madrid” on that site. totally not cool.

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