It was, of course, brilliant.
At 0-3, the Burras, as we collectively refer to my match watching group, began to celebrate exuberantly. Obviously we’d cheered the first 2 goals and we’d even declared the game “done and dusted” after Pedro slotted home, but until Messi had scored the team’s third, we were left with the nagging suspicion that maybe Borisov could get back in it. At 0-3, we were positive enough that we finished the beer and started in on the liquor.
The more astute of you are currently scratching your heads and thinking to yourselves that you were sure the third goal went in on the 39th minute. And you’re not wrong, but we drank too quickly and the movement from Six Point lagers to Manhattans was swift and total and, because the match was completely out of hand, we encountered no resistance.
Basically, what we noticed was that Borisov cared little for aggressive pressure and just hoped that we couldn’t deliver accurate balls in behind the defense. As if they hadn’t seen the match against Atleti. As if they hadn’t realized that there were a host of recently returned BFB commentators predicting their demise (yeah right). As if they’d seen the Valencia match and thought “we can do that, but without the pressing”.
It was, of course, self-Hlebbian.
By the 3rd goal, they’d obviously burned their bridges (ahem) and by the 4th goal, they were just asking for the team in blaugrana to score a fifth. After the first goal, the cule world was awaiting that which was inevitable. We, of course, had no idea what scoring records were on hand, because, well, we were drinking Manhattans and screaming random obscenities at the screen. When the commentator mentioned that Kubala’s record was for the taking, we wondered what crack he was smoking. Messi is 24, you moron, he didn’t equal Kubala. The unstoppable Hungarian was a monster for 11 years and Messi has only been around for 6. But, of course, he did equal him. 194 goals in all competitions and they’re all tied up; Messi’s 39 goals in the CL is immense and amazing.
With Milan winning 2-0 against Viktoria Plzeň, the goal differential keeps Barça on top and looking to move forward. But what I’m most interested in is that we also ran out of bourbon and now I have to find something else to drink while Mrs. The Lady gets her haircut and avoids my friends. Who are totally upstanding citizens. What kind of self-respecting drunkard runs out of bourbon in the middle of a Champions League match!? The answer, ladies and gentleman, is one whose wife hides his goddamned liquor and tells him he ran out. I hate married life.
But I love watching Messi run rampant. I mean, who doesn’t? Oh: