A Form Stealer’s On The Loose

A public service announcement has been issued for the Barcelona region from September 10 – ? .

It will be replayed for the entire month of February.


He’s climbin’ in your windows,
he’s snatching yo’ players up,
tryna Hleb ’em so y’all need to
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
and yo’ Pedros cuz they Hlebbin’ errbody out here.

You don’t have to come and confess,
we lookin’ fo’ you.
We gon’ find you.
We gon’ find you.
So can run and tell that,
run and tell that,
run and tell that, homeboy,
home – home – homeboy.


Anonymous Insider 1:

Well, obviously we have a Hlebber in Estadio Camp Nou.
’bout 5’10”, 5’11”
coffee complexion, hair like a bird’s nest,
Got Barca DNA and some weird elbow tattoos,
with a clean cut, very smooth face.

We got your t-shirt
and you left fingerprints and all,
you are so dumb.
You are really dumb, for real.

Anonymous insider 2:

I was injured by some failure dust through the air vent
(so dumb, so dumb, so dumb, so!)





He’s climbin’ in your windows,
he’s snatching yo’ players up,
tryna Hleb ’em so y’all need to
hide yo’ Abis, hide yo’ Danis,
hide yo’ Abis, hide yo’ Danis,
hide yo’ Abis, hide yo’ Danis,
and yo’ Vilanovas cuz they Hlebbin’ errbody out here.

You don’t have to come and confess,
we lookin’ fo’ you.
We gon’ find you.
We gon’ find you.
So can run and tell that,
run and tell that,
run and tell that, homeboy,
home – home – homeboy.


Anonymous insider: Are you serious, my boy?
I got your t-shirt.
I got your cheque.
I know what shoe-size you wear, my boy
So you can run and hide,
but we’re goin’ to find you


He’s climbin’ in your windows,
he’s snatching yo’ players up,
tryna Hleb ’em so y’all need to
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
hide yo’ Xavis, hide yo’ Leos,
and yo’ Pedros cuz they Hlebbin’ errbody out here.

You don’t have to come and confess,
we lookin’ fo’ you.
We gon’ find you.
We gon’ find you.

So can run and tell that,
run and tell that,
run and tell that, homeboy,
home – home – homeboy.


Source: Bed Intruder by Antoine Dodson ft. Kelly Dodson.

Sorry. The song was stuck in my head. (And sorry Cesc. I needed a perp, and you’re too easy a target right now, what with all the hamstring injuries to our bajitos and everything…)

Considering the above has nothing to do with anything, and there is nothing of real interest about our opponents Osasuna, I figured I’d just quickly blurb about our match tomorrow here:

1) They are Basque.
2) They are physical.
3) They don’t have Walter Pandiani.
4) #3 means they are aren’t awesome*.
5) They will most likely sit back and counter.
6) We will have to break down another bus.
7) Though it is a Basque, non-Athletic bus, not a Milanese airship.
8 ) We are calmly annoyed. This bodes well.
9) Expect more experimenting.
10) Also expect another Barcelona win, despite a couple of hiccups, to the tune of 2-0.

Also, Barca B played Hercules away tomorrow at 3pm EST. I’ll try to hurry home and Liveblog the heck outta that.

*During the Osasuna-EE match last season, where EE went on to lose 1-0, Thong Boy gets ticked at Pandiani and sneers, ‘And how much do you make?’ to which Pandiani comes back, ‘I don’t know, but I win as many titles as you lately’. #owned

By Kari

Just your neighbourhood Barca fanatic


    1. Is this a rhetorical question? …I hate those, cuz I can never tell.

      Anyway, it feels like it’s been around forever, but it only came out last summer.

    1. ….


      Has the term Hleb and its variants finally become… viral? Like, not limited to this blog?

      That. Is. So. Messi.

    2. apparently Hleb/-ed/-ing has become the universal language in cules community.

      we should be proud 😀

    3. I’m pretty sure the author of the post lurks here and picked up the terminology.

      Didn’t I invent “Hlebuary” during a liveblog?

    4. Yes, yes. All the real culés know blitz came up with ‘hlebuary’ first.

      OT: Atleti is my new second team. Officially. Sorry Submarino.

  1. Sorry for the repeat post (can it be considered Hectored if it was a short post?). GolTV U.S. has yet to show a Barca game, not even the epic Villareal clash, while they’ve shown three EE games in a row. Has the contract with Barca or the LFP changed this year? Will I be condemned to watch pixelated live streams, or avoid all news and blogs until I can download and burn a game from FBTZ? Did i miss something here?

    1. I know! What the hell is going on??? I can’t believe none of the english-speaking channels are showing Barca league games! And I miss Ray Hudson!

    2. I remember the Super Copa being broadcast on GotTV. They usually switch off. Maybe skipping the first hornada due to the strike messed everything up?

    3. ESPN D & ESPN 3 have been showing here in LA, so hopefully they picked up the Barca contract which should mean more HD in the future.

    4. That’s the problem. I don’t get ESPN Deportes (that’s a whole separate package). GolTV is also HD.

    5. That’s the problem. I don’t get ESPN Deportes (that’s a whole separate package).

      BTW – GolTV is also HD.

    6. Yeah, my soccer TV package doesn’t provide ESPN D, so I seem to be relegated to ESPN3.com. GolTV is super blurry, but at least Ray Ray is on it!

  2. i think an entire post needs to be done on the guy in the blue suit (last pic of this post)…who is that guy??? he must be an ee person.. when i first saw the still pics of the sideline brawl, i thought–“that’s strange, why would somebody photoshop this strange guy into the pics of the ee brawl”..but when i watched the video-much to my surprise…i saw he was really there!??!

    i think he actually telepathically orchestrated the whole incident..the guy’s looks is way to creepy and disturbing to just be an innocent bystander..:)

    1. no, I forgot his name, but he is the mysterious man of the Camp Nou tunnel.. cmiiw..

      Borat look alike.. 😆

    2. Actually, he’s ours. His name is Francesc Satorra and he makes sure players get out of the tunnel safely and other stuff like that.

    3. Haha I had the same reaction. Now everytime im alone i see that guy starting at me and i have make sure no ones behind me to poke me in the eye.

  3. please why is barcastuff not working as before? does any one have any other link for me to follow?

    1. you could still follow barcastuff on facebook…

      @barcatheoffside @fcblive @culestuff @fcbarcelonafl

      @opinioncule @canalbarca –> spanish

  4. there’s an article on the Barça site referencing the fact that Ranbir Kapoor, who is apparently an Indian movie star, is a huge Barça fan and came to visit the team in training today. which is fantastic, no problem.

    the problem is, and i want to scream it, that IF HE LOVED THE CLUB ENOUGH THAT HE WANTED TO BECOME A MEMBER, HE COULDN’T BECAUSE OF ROSELL’S JINGOISTIC IDIOCY. which should be posted under every article referencing non-Catalan supporters of the club, in gigantic bold letters. what nonsensical, self-defeating BS that decision remains, and we can’t forget it.

    1. See, with all due respect, but when you put a line like this: “Cristiano Ronaldo, rather than believing that people boo him because he is a preening, diving, selfish, egotistical loser” in your article, i just can’t continue to read.

      Every article has to have bias, because essentially, you are a Barca fan writing about your arch rival. But it also has to have some sensibility. In a way, you are pretty much saying: “Those death threats that Ronaldo gets every game, they are justified because 3 years ago, he was a prick”. Guess what, Ronaldo has evolved Soooooo much as a player, that he is no longer the “preening, diving, selfish, egotistical loser” that you claim he is. And saying that is the same as the Madrid fans that claim Messi is not the best in the world.

      The comments Ronaldo made, while arrogant, have a lot of truth to them. And no, it doesn’t mean that the “poor, ugly and bad at their job” will not get booed or verbally abused similarly to him. Believe it or not, Ronaldo cares for the poor. So does Real Madrid. We organize charities, donations and all that. It’s not a Barcelona exclusive thing, you know. For two straight years, he has been getting abuse (not just booing, but also death threats) in most stadiums, and honestly, while i could understood it 3 years ago, i really don’t get it right now. He dives much much much less than Di Maria, Busi and Alves combined. He scores goals for fun and is a huge entertainer. He passes much more (he ended up with 15 assists last season and last week produced an assist that even Xavi would have been proud of) and before this press conference, he has been really decent in the press. He doesn’t go to night clubs and spends all his time with his son. I’m actually surprised, and very happy, with the way he has dealt with the jeering and abuse he has gotten. I know i wouldn’t be able to handle it. So good on him.

      Before i end my rant, maybe i should provide this: http://mediacdn.disqus.com/uploads/mediaembed/images/145/9748/original.jpg

      And btw, this is all coming from a person that really doesn’t rate Ronaldo that much, as many here know.

      /end rant

    2. feeling better now? 😛

      well, this is just me, but if I see a RM fan write an article about how Xavi is an arrogant bastard, I can defend him and ranting about how he actually a very nice and humble man, a family man, an amazing player, he loves mushroom hunting, he avoid celebrity lifestyle, etc, etc, etc.

      but will EEistas care and change their view on Xavi? no, he’s still an arrogant bastard.

    3. I wasn’t really trying to change the above posters view. It was more of a venting, so yes, I feel much better now.

      At first, because i was centered in a Real Madrid circle, i started reading a lot of articles about how Barcelona suck and the conspiracy theories and what not. I used to think: Damn our fans can be thick headed pricks and can’t see that Barcelona are just better these days. But when i read articles like the one above, i remember that it comes from both sides.

    4. “And btw, this is all coming from a person that really doesn’t rate Ronaldo that much, as many here know. ”

      wait, what? I didn’t know this.

      how can you not rate Ronaldo he’s fucking fantastic?

    5. In terms of talent, there are many players waaaaay ahead of Ronaldo. But in terms of hard work and effort, he is ahead of almost everyone.

    6. Saith the guy who posts a pic. of UEFA as Barca’s logo. What sense did that make?

      Really? Thong Boy has evolved? Your blog did not share the same sentiment after the 2nd leg.

      I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation.

      Do you really believe that this statement doesn’t come off as egotistical? Rich, handsome? Wow, what a tool!

      Want more quotes? What about the famous gauntlet that he threw against us – ‘Lets see if (Barca) they can score 8 against us?’

      And that press conference in China, in which he instantly pissed off their press. In short, take your EEista glasses off, he really comes off as an arrogant, diving, self-centered loser with those comments.

      BTW, I don’t rate him much either..

    7. The picture if posted was an obvious joke and is much different from me saying: Xavi is an arrogant prick, his passes are negative and is high overrated. Because what you are saying is the equivalent of that (and btw, a lot of [stupid] RM fans believe that about Xavi).

      My Real Madrid sunglasses are off, but are your Barcelona sun glasses off? Someone doesn’t like the joke about UEFA logo and Barcelona together, yet uses EE and expects people to be ok with it? hmmmm

    8. It’s only a personal opinion ( and I still don’t like the guy) but I’ve found it harder to dislike him intensely since he and Iniesta stood chatting, not getting involved in the fracas of the eye poking Classico.

    9. Haha I gotta say it doesn’t seem defensive of CR7 at all. I’m pretty sure you get

      I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like CR7 at all if either Portugal or Real Madrid was more successful. In that case, I think I’d love to hate him. He’s almost the perfect villain. Almost, because internationally Portugal is not the dominant power, and Real Madrid hasn’t been able to win, much less dominate, La Liga under his tenure. To me it makes his narrative tragic in some ways.

      By appearances Messi doesn’t seem to care too much about where he is individually ranked, but desires fame for Argentina and FC Barcelona. And yet more and more the court of general opinion seems (to me, at least, and no, not just on FCB boards) to indicate that Messi is #1 whereas CR7 is #2. The one who wants it more doesn’t get it. I hope he is telling the honest truth when he says it doesn’t bother him when he is compared to Messi and Messi is rated above him (and that any ambitions to be the best and/or rank as the best in history). Because if he isn’t, it’d be sad to watch someone so talented and hardworking be denied what he wants by someone who doesn’t even want it, even if he (CR7) is very, very impressed with himself. Frankly I think that makes it all the more painful to me.

      All this empathy from me will vanish of course as soon as Portugal and/or Real Madrid (or whatever team he may transfer to) has a moment or era of major glory that can reasonably be attributed to him. And I can’t see myself ever cheering for him in the foreseeable future, empathy or no.

  5. I have a question regarding season ticket holding at FC Barcelona..you have to be a club member for doing so yes?

    1. Yes, and then you get put on a waiting list numbering in the tens of thousands. Forget about it. Even if you are already a soci, you’ll never get one.

  6. and i see our b boys play hercules later…that should be interesting..it looks like all the big name of hercules have left…

  7. So everyone’s top 5 players of all time always include names like

    Maradona, Pele, Cruyff, Best, Messi, Ronaldo, Zizou, Zico, etc.

    Is it weird that, besides Best, NONE played in the Premier League? I mean for a league with such storied history, such pride, such talent, such money… none of the bests played in it?

    1. I realized that a long time ago and it’s my response to every ignorant EPL fan (read: Messi hater) who thinks Messi needs to prove himself there.

  8. Rosell’s slightly racist membership policy does baffle me. I was a member for 1 year back when I could afford it – but now I can afford it again I cannot become a member unless I was (a) a member for 2 years previously or (b) related to a member. I can become an ‘affiliate’ for 3 years & pay the same dues with no benefits whatsoever – but to do this I have to apply AT THE GROUND! Does Rosell not want new members..?

    1. I just did that commitment card 2 weeks ago and now I have to renew it at the club’s offices every year for the next 3 years. It sucks and I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up with it but thought I’d still give it a try!

  9. So glad Espinosa trained with the first team today. Hopefully he’ll get a few minutes on the pitch on Saturday.

  10. Nice writing job, Ahsan. I do hope I’m the only one who didn’t think that Thong Boy was being sarcastic when he uttered those now-famous quotes. While he has many qualities that don’t spark admiration, he isn’t the delusional egotist that many make him out to be.

    I do think that your point was well-written and argued. Nice blog, too. Thanks for sharing.

    1. You hope you ARE or AREN’T the only one?

      I don’t know the man (or any of these players) personally so I don’t put too much stock in my assumptions/judgments but if CR7 was being serious, I will say in his defense that I believe that the level of hate for him isn’t because of his lack of a humble public image, but his lack of humility COMBINED with his wealth/appearance/soccerCapability. People tend to dislike arrogance but loathe arrogance when it is backed by actual ability (even if, or especially if, said ability doesn’t match up to the self-belief present).

    2. I believe that Cristiano Ronaldo was thoroughly p.o.’d when he made that remark. He had just been hacked at the ankle, and although it was Pepe-esque, there was no card given. That would put me in a pout, even as beautiful and wealthy as I am.

      There are a lot of people in this world who truly believe that other people envy them because they are rich and beautiful and talented, and so they wind up feeling victimized. One is Cristiano. Another is Cristiano’s coach. Even Cristiano’s captain has sounded a bit sulky lately. If no one tells you you are anything but special, and even super-special, and you believe it, and something bad or unfair happens to you, it is very natural to believe that this happens because you are so super-special.

      Like Xingxian, I do think that Cristiano is disliked because of his ability and arrogance, but maybe not because he is able and arrogant. It is because in spite of his ability and even given his arrogance he also plays a victim. He dives. He fakes penalties. He throws his hands in the air every time someone gives him a little tug on his jersey as if it were some Major World Injustice. When he scores, he waits for everyone to come love on him, and when he assists, he … waits for everyone to come love on him.

      Now, is this entirely fair to Cristiano? I don’t think that many players suffer from an inferiority complex. Even Messi has been reported to be a little … “temperamental”. But look at him. Go scroll back up to Kari’s pic there. Awwww. Look at him with that teddy. Who’s gonna hate on him? Who’s gonna say one little meanie thing to our sweetie little cutest little Leo guy? So Paris Hilton won’t consider lounging poolside for an “Enquirer” photo op with him. He’s adorable!

      What I felt when I heard Cristiano say that people jeer him because he is handsome, rich and a great football player is … sad. Not just because it’s crass to brag about being wealthy when the entire world, practically, is in a depression. Not just because a lot of little kids who idolize him can’t find their left foot from their right, let alone be genetically encoded with his kind of talent. But because he is not going to be CR7 forever. He is going to age out of the game. He is going to age out of his boyish good looks. He will be wealthy, but he will be old and look old and young boys in Portugal will forget about him. And the way he said what he said to that reporter, with almost a crack in his voice, made me wonder how he will be with that.

      Because what he isn’t — and what he’s never pretended to be — is smart. He’s not articulate enough to become a star commentator. He’s doesn’t have the people skills to manage a team, and he doesn’t have the vision to coach. He’s not a Guardiola, who could parlay his career into a killer new job which probably suits him better than his previous one, or a Cruyff, who could influence his way into Hoary Old Wise Man status at a world-renown club. He’s not going to finagle his way into coaching Real Madrid like his similarly-afflicted míster (who, I think, is close to losing his marbles. Poke in the eye! What’s next? Whoopie cushions along the visitor’s bench at the Bernabeu Clásico?) He doesn’t even enjoy such an intense love from his own people that he could become a national figure, like Maradona (if anyone would like to grow up to be Maradona). I don’t know — it would take a lot of managing and good p.r. people, and I don’t think his mom (like a lot of soccer-star parents we could name ahem Sr. Dos Santos ahem) is a good p.r. person — to do charitable work as some kind of ambassador.

      So, he’s a jerk. We don’t like him. He’s stuck-up and pouty and mean. Besides, he’s the star of the EE. Cristiano could be as adorable as a little boy Bojan, as sweet as Miniesta and as noble as Eric le Roi, and we still wouldn’t like him. It’s fun to boo him when he goes on t.v. and says silly stuff. But I don’t envy him.

    3. I read an article by Graham Hunter’s a few weeks ago claiming that Ronaldo and his p.r. people are embarking on an image cleanup in hopes of gathering more sympathy when it’s time for awards season. So not sure how journalists gonna personally react to this comment. I do feel bad for him though; people were taunting him with Messi chant and i don’t think he deserves that. At the moment, it seems he can’t escape messi’s shadow and if messi and barca keep on winning, professional opinions of Ronaldo won’t change. And speaking of “handsome,” he’s on the cover of T-Mag Men’s Fall fashion edition to commemorate SAF’s 25th anniversary. He looks ok, def not a model though (I would put Vidic on the cover, he looks more model material).

    4. The words of a wise mom!
      I could imagine my mom saying the same thing if I ever do a cristiano…
      Humility is highly valued at home…and really, one could never know how long we could hold on to things we cannot keep..

    5. Really great comment. One other thing I would add about Ronaldo’s inability to parlay himself into something else is that even as a player, he doesn’t have much room for evolution. Because his game relies so heavily on pace and power, the minute his physical gifts start eroding, I see his production going down very quickly.

      To be fair, he does work VERY hard on his physical fitness, so maybe he can delay the inevitable. But a comparison to Messi is instructive in that Messi once he becomes slower will simply drop back and become a traditional number 10 or maybe even deeper and just play a controlling, pivote type role. Ronaldo is incapable of any such developments.

Comments are closed.