Let the Trolling Wars…Begin: First Leg of SuperCopa Preview

Trouble is brewing in Madrid…

10:20 GMT – Cuidad Real Madrid – Valdebebas, Madrid.

Jose Mourinho: We’ve come back from our world tour with no injures. We’ve comeback from our world tour with no injures (expect Sahin and Sergio Ramos) having inflicted smackdowns on our opponents. This is the year of La Decima, but more importantly, the year of my CL glory. What’s our next game?

Assistant: Against Barcelona, sir.

Mourinho: Well, damn. Give me an update on them, minion.

Assistant: They’ve promoted Thiago and Fontas at the end of last season. Went on tour in the US, after playing some games in Europe. Had a 0 goal difference. Lost to Man Utd and Chivas

Mourinho: Ha! Serves them right. Gimme tapes of those games.

Assistant: Affirmative. The Alcantara boy was their best player of the preseason. There were a lot of experimentation at the back, most notably Jonathan Dos Santas at RB. After getting back to Europe, 8 Barca players were called up to the Italy friendly. At the end of it, Iniesta remained injury-free…

Mourinho: [mumbles] …What are they giving that man?

Assistant: …Pique and Busquets have picked up knocks but are training normally.

Mourinho: Hmm. That’s all very interesting, but what of the transfer front?

Assistant: They’ve signed Alexis Sanchez. And Fabregas, it looks like, sir.

Mourinho: [sits up from throne] What?! They finally signed the kid?! Impossible!

Assistant: Yes. Pique, Puyol and Pau Gasol, to name a few, have confirmed this via Twitter, much to Arsenal’s chagrin. He won’t be featuring against us on Sunday however, as he won’t be presented until Monday.

Mourinho: Those blasted Catalans! Even if we beat them, they’ll still have a backup plan to distract themselves from the loss. Minion, announce the unveiling of Leonel on Monday too. …Wait. Why is he being presented on Monday?

Assistant: So their team isn’t distracted for the match, sir.

Mourinho: Distracted, eh? [strokes chin] Minion, get me a camera, some glasses, and…

Meanwhile in Barcelona…

13:34 BCN Time – Ciudat Esportiva Joan Gamper – Barcelona

*Boombox blaring I’m So Excited by the Pointer Sisters.*

Pique: [jumping up and down] Cesc is coming~! Cesc is coming~! Cesc is coming~!

Puyol: [sings chorus: I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it!] We should totally go on Twitter and tell everyone!

Pep Guardiola: [shuts off boombox and smacks Pique and Puyol upside the head] You idiots! Is there no end to your stupidity?! On what planet is tweeting the transfer that has spanned over the course of nearly a decade before either club has officially announced it a good idea?! Huh?!

Pique: [rubs head] Is that a rhetorical question? Because on Planet Moc Moc…

Pep: [eyebrow twitches] Did you fall on your head as a baby?

Iniesta: [over Pique’s wailing in the distance] The mister has been pretty irritable lately…

Ramon Cugat: [sighs] The nomorebullshitamine is wearing off, it seems. This is bad.

Tito: The NMB’s wearing off? So wait, he’s recovering from hyperclasico-itis? Isn’t that a good thing?

Cugat: Normally yes. But the intensity of this match, coupled with the lack of preparation due to missing players, means Pep has had to acknowledge the match far earlier than he should have and has spent too much time planning the goals–err, match. He risks as a serious relapse if he doesn’t get his rest.

Tito: Well, guess I’ll have to get him out of here. Adios, guys.

[Tito takes Pep away. Pique breathes sigh of relief before promptly getting hit in the head with a box]

Pique: OW! [rubs sore head] What the FU–

Puyol: —It’s a DVD. Doesn’t have a title, but it says it’s from the Special1TV though.

*DVD is played. Screen slowly focuses in on a man wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses.*

This is Por que, Por que, here to inform you that if you think the SuperCopa’s yours, you gotta another thing coming.

Madrid is back, better, faster, and stronger than ever. More than I can say about our so-called ‘betters.’

Cristano’s back and scoring golazos, looking fitter and dominating all the tabloids. And guess what, Messi? He was Pichichi.

Xavi: What the heck is this supposed to be? A music video?

Pique: This is really bad.

Altintop’s here, mostly to keep Ozil company, but hey, he also needed the change in scenery.

Pepe’s pimpin’ out fouls like you wouldn’t believe. Except wait. You can, and it’s just what we need.

Pique: And yet I can’t stop watching…

Pinto: They got no swag, man. Weak.

Abidal: [nods head in agreement]

Varane’s here because he’s French and cool. Plus with him around, Benezema won’t be such a tool.

With bleach blond hair and a tan to die for, Coentrao defends and attacks till you can take no more.

Iniesta: [covers ears] Dear God, somebody make this stop!

Villa: I think a little part of my soul just died.

Alves: That’s deep, man.

Villa: Oh, wait. That was just my soulpatch losing some hair. Never mind.

Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala

Fontas: What are they saying? [strains ears] I can’t make it out. Sounds kind of freaky.

Thiago: I think they’re saying, “Hahahahaha” but I’m not really sure.

Puyol: [covers Fontas and Thiago’s ears] You fools! They’re saying ‘Hala’! It’s an attempt at subliminal messaging! Everyone, cover your ears!

Hala Hala Hala Hala Mad

*Thiago casually turns off TV*

Thiago: …What? It was annoying. And really lame. [shrugs]

Messi: Hey, guys. [points to paper on ground] What’s that?

Puyol: [picks up paper and reads it] Those blasted Madridistas! They’re trying to troll us into submission!

‘Dear 2nd best,

How is life with UEFACEF treating you? Pretty good, I bet. Made a whole bunch of money from your ‘tour’ and signed some poor team’s captain and best player. So classless, but then again you’re UEFAlona, you never had class in the first place.

We have 9 European Cups! You’ll forever be in our shadow, no matter what happens tomorrow.

Also, consider that video just a taste of the pain we will inflict on you – emotionally, physically and mentally.


– Your betters.’

PS. While you’ve been reading this, I’ve taken your boss’s tactics notebook. Victory is ours! HAHAHA MADRID –err, no wait. Damn typos! I mean– HALA HALA MADRID!

Afellay: Oh no they didn’t!

Puyol: [crushes paper] Oh yes they did. Guys, it’s time to show those Madridistas what having Barca DNA really means.

-To be continued-


And there you have it.

At 4:oopmEST* on GolTV (US and Canada) it is on like Tron. There will be a LiveBlog (barring any last minute stuff), so be here 15 or so minutes before. Everyone’s welcome!

 Official prediction: chaos, posturing, embellishing/diving, hard/dirty tackles, innocent bystanders crying, ‘somebody make it stop’, goals and a Barca win. YESH.

*Check your time here: http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?msg=EE+v+Barca&iso=20110814T22&p1=141

As for the weather: ~28 degrees Celsius (82 degrees Fahrenheit)

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Just your neighbourhood Barca fanatic


  1. Vj
    August 12, 2011


    Why did you have to link to the Borat dance/Choot de bol video because I’m currently in an infinite loop between the two!!

  2. mom4
    August 12, 2011

    Your best yet, Kari! Thanks for the smile!

    Hoping for some moments of entertaining football amidst the “chaos, posturing, embellishing/diving, hard/dirty tackles, innocent bystanders crying, ‘somebody make it stop’, goals and a Barca win” and that our midgets emerge unscathed.

    Dunno if this little gem has been posted yet, but here’s Ramzi looking on the bright side:

  3. August 12, 2011

    ha,ha, ha. About half way through I realized I was seeing Crackòvia versions of the players in my head. That’s means it was both very funny…and I only got about 2/3 of it. Keep it coming!

  4. Judas Pissed
    August 12, 2011

    We are signing one of the best midfielders in the world for half his worth! Barca fokkin ROOL!!

  5. Dani_el
    August 12, 2011

    I kinda like how moumou says “minion”, it seems to remind me Stewie from Family Guy (apologies to him though).
    Thanks Kari!

    I hope we show our best here, with our possibilities (possibly a lot of subs and still on pre season), still whatever happens, this is the least important cup for this semester, I value the European SuperCup and World Club Championship much more.

    Visca el Barça!

  6. August 12, 2011

    No problemo guys. I actually thought this was kind of lame and unfunny, because I rushed a bit on it, so thanks for the positive feedback!

    I see mostly everyone got the Barca dance video. Excellent. Because I actually want to win 0-2 so I can play it again. YES. 8)

  7. BarcaGirl_Indo
    August 12, 2011

    thanks, Kari.. 😆
    I need to laugh..

    because reading the world El Clasico make me go “meeehhh”..

    I’m still not recovering from a chronic hyperclasicoitis.. :roll:

    • jordi™
      August 12, 2011

      Damn.I always thought Barca might do it one year.Imagine Puyi beasting in that. Then again Nike would mess it up with non unified sized stripes.

    • mom4
      August 12, 2011

      nice shirt- but the socks are too much

      • August 12, 2011

        Agreed. There is a knockoff artist on EBay selling a version of the rumored senyera shirt that we were purportedly considering.

        • mom4
          August 13, 2011

          There’s so much meaning and history in those red and blue stripes. I wouldn’t think they’d change (our home kits at least) even for the colors of the Senyera. Good on Valencia, though! Now an away kit, that’s a different matter!

  8. August 12, 2011

    I am, by the by, in full “Don’t give a damn” mode for this SuperCopa. Can’t explain why, but I don’t like any of the “Supers,” for Liga or UEFA. They’re pre-season trophies that usually tell you only how short one team’s vacation time was.

    Yes, this means that I fully expect EE to win this one. The underdog always tries and works harder. We, on the other hand, are taking the long view of this season, and probably won’t get rolling until about mid-September. This is another reason I wouldn’t be too bummed if the Liga strike went on for a couple of weekends. We could use the training time.

    • mom4
      August 12, 2011

      I find myself in the not caring as much as I should camp, too. I’m not sure I want to watch it even (but I will). However, I don’t want EE to have <b.any reason to gloat. I know we’re less prepared then they so part of me wants Pep to start a side like the the starting XI of the Copa Catalunya final in a we’re-not-giving- you-the-satisfaction-middle-finger-pointed-upwards-at-your-insignificant-trophy-that-you’ll-drop-anyway rather than risk demoralizing the starters or risking the midgets against Arbeloa and co.. The other part of me is so hungry to see our big(figuratively) guys play again that I don’t care what the competition is.

      • BarcaGirl_Indo
        August 13, 2011

        agree with Graham Hunter.

        this time we are the underdogs. compare to EE, our preparation was not really good, wasn’t it?

        not saying EE is the better team, but it’s just this time they are more well prepared than us. mentally and physically.

        my feeling strongly says we’re going to lose in Bernabeu.
        and I don’t mind being proved wrong.

        the image of them lift a trophy in Camp Nou making me so sick.

        • mom4
          August 13, 2011

          Ee gads! That’s right, the trophy will be lifted at the Camp Nou. I didn’t think about that. Nobody should lift a trophy at the Camp Nou wearing white! Crap! Now I care more! Thanks, BG_Indo, for ruining my comfortable indifference #forgetfulnesswasbliss!

      • August 13, 2011

        Yep, I agree they are much more ready for this than we’re and this is for me a matter of priorities if we had to be that ready we would be but our priorities are set at the end of the season. They also won the supercopa when we had the treble season much good did it do them. Pep preffered to give our players extra vacation than having them firing in the supercopa and I fully agree with him on that. He did the same last year and the year before that.
        As for the underdogs tag well I’d just say we are no such big favorites this time. For me madrid winning all its friendlies and us struggling is the best mental preparation we could have and it will help us being more focused than if the opposite was happening. So I say bring it on…

        • barca96
          August 13, 2011

          Usually a few days before the match I already start to feel anxious but not for this one, because it’s EE. Too sick of it.

          I want us to actually give EE the chance to make them believe that they have a chance against us in the league when it really matters. I want them to come to the Camp Nou thinking they can beat us like last November and we all know what happened.

          The Spanish FA should make it an exception and let the Supercopa to be played ONCE only on a neutral ground.

  9. Eklavya
    August 13, 2011

    Very entertaining preview, Kari! I lol’d 🙂

  10. Olufestus
    August 13, 2011

    Scared!!!!!! I tell you damn scared more than when i had my law school final exams

  11. Vj
    August 13, 2011

    Weren’t we the underdogs before the 1st clasic?

    I wanna see if Por que un club want to go on an all out attack or if Mou wants a rehash of last season’s strategy in the CL. If they win they’ll say that this would prove that they should’ve gone through to the final.

    Pep has rolled out the full squad but then again most of them are playing their first game after returning. I hope he has something up his sleeve..

    Then again by the time La Liga starts, the squad should be fully fit..

  12. Srini
    August 13, 2011

    Don’t want to jinx us. But before the first clasico, the situation was relatively similar. Barca was not rocking as expected, while EE was dominating every game on the other hand. So I am not so pessimistic about the Super. Different situation since November last year, but I have learned to trust the Blaugrana first squad enough now to suspect anything less than 100% in games like these.

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