Trouble is brewing in Madrid…
10:20 GMT – Cuidad Real Madrid – Valdebebas, Madrid.
Jose Mourinho: We’ve come back from our world tour with no injures. We’ve comeback from our world tour with no injures (expect Sahin and Sergio Ramos) having inflicted smackdowns on our opponents. This is the year of La Decima, but more importantly, the year of my CL glory. What’s our next game?
Assistant: Against Barcelona, sir.
Mourinho: Well, damn. Give me an update on them, minion.
Assistant: They’ve promoted Thiago and Fontas at the end of last season. Went on tour in the US, after playing some games in Europe. Had a 0 goal difference. Lost to Man Utd and Chivas
Mourinho: Ha! Serves them right. Gimme tapes of those games.
Assistant: Affirmative. The Alcantara boy was their best player of the preseason. There were a lot of experimentation at the back, most notably Jonathan Dos Santas at RB. After getting back to Europe, 8 Barca players were called up to the Italy friendly. At the end of it, Iniesta remained injury-free…
Mourinho: [mumbles] …What are they giving that man?
Assistant: …Pique and Busquets have picked up knocks but are training normally.
Mourinho: Hmm. That’s all very interesting, but what of the transfer front?
Assistant: They’ve signed Alexis Sanchez. And Fabregas, it looks like, sir.
Mourinho: [sits up from throne] What?! They finally signed the kid?! Impossible!
Assistant: Yes. Pique, Puyol and Pau Gasol, to name a few, have confirmed this via Twitter, much to Arsenal’s chagrin. He won’t be featuring against us on Sunday however, as he won’t be presented until Monday.
Mourinho: Those blasted Catalans! Even if we beat them, they’ll still have a backup plan to distract themselves from the loss. Minion, announce the unveiling of Leonel on Monday too. …Wait. Why is he being presented on Monday?
Assistant: So their team isn’t distracted for the match, sir.
Mourinho: Distracted, eh? [strokes chin] Minion, get me a camera, some glasses, and…
Meanwhile in Barcelona…
13:34 BCN Time – Ciudat Esportiva Joan Gamper – Barcelona
*Boombox blaring I’m So Excited by the Pointer Sisters.*
Pique: [jumping up and down] Cesc is coming~! Cesc is coming~! Cesc is coming~!
Puyol: [sings chorus: I’m so excited! And I just can’t hide it!] We should totally go on Twitter and tell everyone!
Pep Guardiola: [shuts off boombox and smacks Pique and Puyol upside the head] You idiots! Is there no end to your stupidity?! On what planet is tweeting the transfer that has spanned over the course of nearly a decade before either club has officially announced it a good idea?! Huh?!
Pique: [rubs head] Is that a rhetorical question? Because on Planet Moc Moc…
Pep: [eyebrow twitches] Did you fall on your head as a baby?
Iniesta: [over Pique’s wailing in the distance] The mister has been pretty irritable lately…
Ramon Cugat: [sighs] The nomorebullshitamine is wearing off, it seems. This is bad.
Tito: The NMB’s wearing off? So wait, he’s recovering from hyperclasico-itis? Isn’t that a good thing?
Cugat: Normally yes. But the intensity of this match, coupled with the lack of preparation due to missing players, means Pep has had to acknowledge the match far earlier than he should have and has spent too much time planning the goals–err, match. He risks as a serious relapse if he doesn’t get his rest.
Tito: Well, guess I’ll have to get him out of here. Adios, guys.
[Tito takes Pep away. Pique breathes sigh of relief before promptly getting hit in the head with a box]
Pique: OW! [rubs sore head] What the FU–
Puyol: —It’s a DVD. Doesn’t have a title, but it says it’s from the Special1TV though.
*DVD is played. Screen slowly focuses in on a man wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses.*
This is Por que, Por que, here to inform you that if you think the SuperCopa’s yours, you gotta another thing coming.
Madrid is back, better, faster, and stronger than ever. More than I can say about our so-called ‘betters.’
Cristano’s back and scoring golazos, looking fitter and dominating all the tabloids. And guess what, Messi? He was Pichichi.
Xavi: What the heck is this supposed to be? A music video?
Pique: This is really bad.
Altintop’s here, mostly to keep Ozil company, but hey, he also needed the change in scenery.
Pepe’s pimpin’ out fouls like you wouldn’t believe. Except wait. You can, and it’s just what we need.
Pique: And yet I can’t stop watching…
Pinto: They got no swag, man. Weak.
Abidal: [nods head in agreement]
Varane’s here because he’s French and cool. Plus with him around, Benezema won’t be such a tool.
With bleach blond hair and a tan to die for, Coentrao defends and attacks till you can take no more.
Iniesta: [covers ears] Dear God, somebody make this stop!
Villa: I think a little part of my soul just died.
Alves: That’s deep, man.
Villa: Oh, wait. That was just my soulpatch losing some hair. Never mind.
Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala Madrid Hala Hala Hala Hala
Fontas: What are they saying? [strains ears] I can’t make it out. Sounds kind of freaky.
Thiago: I think they’re saying, “Hahahahaha” but I’m not really sure.
Puyol: [covers Fontas and Thiago’s ears] You fools! They’re saying ‘Hala’! It’s an attempt at subliminal messaging! Everyone, cover your ears!
Hala Hala Hala Hala Mad—
*Thiago casually turns off TV*
Thiago: …What? It was annoying. And really lame. [shrugs]
Messi: Hey, guys. [points to paper on ground] What’s that?
Puyol: [picks up paper and reads it] Those blasted Madridistas! They’re trying to troll us into submission!
‘Dear 2nd best,
How is life with UEFACEF treating you? Pretty good, I bet. Made a whole bunch of money from your ‘tour’ and signed some poor team’s captain and best player. So classless, but then again you’re UEFAlona, you never had class in the first place.
We have 9 European Cups! You’ll forever be in our shadow, no matter what happens tomorrow.
Also, consider that video just a taste of the pain we will inflict on you – emotionally, physically and mentally.
– Your betters.’
PS. While you’ve been reading this, I’ve taken your boss’s tactics notebook. Victory is ours! HAHAHA MADRID –err, no wait. Damn typos! I mean– HALA HALA MADRID!
Afellay: Oh no they didn’t!
Puyol: [crushes paper] Oh yes they did. Guys, it’s time to show those Madridistas what having Barca DNA really means.
-To be continued-
And there you have it.
At 4:oopmEST* on GolTV (US and Canada) it is on like Tron. There will be a LiveBlog (barring any last minute stuff), so be here 15 or so minutes before. Everyone’s welcome!
Official prediction: chaos, posturing, embellishing/diving, hard/dirty tackles, innocent bystanders crying, ‘somebody make it stop’, goals and a Barca win. YESH.
*Check your time here: http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/fixedtime.html?msg=EE+v+Barca&iso=20110814T22&p1=141
As for the weather: ~28 degrees Celsius (82 degrees Fahrenheit)